V

No Pete here either, Carl noted as he walked into his third pub tonight. They’d both been back in London for 2 weeks and neither had contacted the other. Carl thought running into each other would ease the awkwardness of the conversation. Didz’s arm was around him when they walked in. They were meeting people here. Didz had been drunk when Carl had picked him up from Anthony’s who was going out tonight with a bunch of girls Carl had never heard mention of, or perhaps hadn’t been listening when Anthony had brought them up. Didz had bought a round at each pub since. He thought the arm around his shoulder was not so much a gesture of love but extra support. Once a good 3 meters into the pub he let go and stumbled to a table of people shouting hello’s at an excited volume. Carl followed behind smiling as genuinely as he could and taking one last scope in case Pete had somehow stuffed his lanky body into a corner. He’d missed him in rooms before, scrunched up between the sofa and the wall, head between his knees, dribbling whiskey down his chin.

            “Carl” Didz demanded pointing to a set of chairs. He refused to sit before Carl did, so Carl obliged. “Aww Carl, you’re such a good mate” he said snuggling his head into Carl’s shoulder.

            “Didz had a few before we left” he said to the table in explanation. Didz smiled innocently.

            “First rounds on me then?” Didz asked like somehow he owed it to Carl.

            “If you insist” Didz hopped up without asking anyone what they wanted shouting back over his shoulder

            “Surprises all around!” everyone groaned “I fucking heard that”

            “He’s going to get me some pretentious drink with more ice than alcohol in it”

            “I think he knows you better than that darling” Annalisa swung her arm around him and kissed his cheek. “I’ve not seen you for days you mysterious man” she grinned folding herself into his lap. It was true. He’d been staying with Anthony while they’d been in the middle of a furious whirlwind of gigs and rehearsals. He’d forgotten how much he loved curling up next to her and the smell of her light perfume fading into the sheets. “Coming back tonight I hope?”

            “Of course” he kissed her. The table was in a mess of conversations about several different things. There was a band taking the stage as Didz returned.

            “I didn’t see you until I was on my way back” he told her frustrated “so you’ll forgive me if I couldn’t personalize it” he said handing her a gin and tonic. She smiled mouthing a bit of a patronizing thank you, Carl thought. He was sure it was just because Didz was wobbling on the spot explaining everyone’s drinks to them. She then got up off his lap and grabbed one of her girlfriends.

            “If you feel like dancing, come find me” she winked at him and was off into the crowd.

            “Carl!” Didz said angrily. The band crashed in as Didz’s mouth began moving explaining the triple whiskey and coke he’d just handed him. Carl didn’t need to hear it, he was satisfied. The band was rubbish. Carl scoffed to himself but he soon heard an excited yell behind him. His name, followed by clawing hands. Tim, he knew before he turned around.

            “Up!” he demanded. Carl drained his drink, and took Didz's and drained his too.

            “You fucking sod!” Carl threw a few notes on the table

            “Next one on me, sorry Didz” he shrugged making his way through the crowd with Tim leading the way. Tim never looked back. He was always confident whoever he’d asked along was following him, and usually, at least in Carl’s case, he was. Tim had found his way right to Annalisa and when Carl came through the sea of people they were dancing in a very silly fashion. Carl feeling the drinks suddenly joined in, eventually swinging Annalisa away from Tim and holding her close. Closer and closer until they were kissing.

            “Carl” she laughed

            “I haven’t seen you in days” he said smiling

            “Lush” he ignored her and kissed her again.

            “Cut it out” Tim said pulling them apart “we have to take this party over”

            “Do we?”

            “Christ Carl listen to yourself! This band sucks if we don’t step in these people are going to start throwing their drinks!”

            “Tim” Annalisa laughed “you can’t go raining on their gig”

            “I’m helping them!” he insisted pushing his sunglasses off his head and onto his nose. He then jumped up on the stage and grabbed the microphone. The band stopped a moment but he urged them back on with his hands and began singing over the awful combination of instruments. Carl followed suit a minute later hoisting himself on stage.

            “Didz Hammond get your arse up here” he mumbled into the microphone heading towards the guitarist. “Do you mind?”

            “Man this is our gig”

            “Your gig’s over” Tim said turning around “this is Carl Barât!”

            “Sorry mate” the guy said now handing his guitar more eagerly “I thought, but I didn’t think you’d be in this dive”

            “Dive” Tim scoffed “you’re shitty music is making it so. This place is-” Tim stopped as Didz had taken over the bass player’s position.

            “Right then, so we fake it?” Carl asked. Tim nodded and they were off.

 

No Carl here either, Pete thought sadly. Second set tonight. Not that Carl would come to one of his shows if he’d even known about it. He liked being able to look over everyone from the stage but without anyone to look out for he found his eyes mostly on his fingers. He finished his song and smiled to applause.

            “Ta” he began to play ‘Music When the Light Go Out’ but the notes kept sticking and becoming misplaced. He had to have played it a thousand times, he thought, but nothing could make him remember how it went. He saw an image of himself smashing the damn thing and telling the audience to stick it in their Potty Pete scrap-books, but instead started on with something less familiar, but easier to remember. Once a few more songs spilled out over the crowd he decided to leave. The alley behind the venue always made him forget the gig. The backstage area could be full of just as much debauchery but it always felt like he’d just finished playing, not like he was about to spend the money he’d just made on something that would be ingested in less time than the set itself. It broke his heart and yet it was always where he turned when he had a broken heart. It wasn’t just Carl not being there. That had been what he’d wanted so he could easily tell his dealers, or friends as they preferred, no. The real reason he was hurting was the tabloid frenzy surrounding him and Kate. It felt like years they’d been apart now but reality kept reminding him how few weeks ago he’d held her.

            “Peter!” he heard sharp and stern from behind him. He turned very quickly to see Drew; lips pressed tight together waiting for explanation, perhaps. “Are you coming for the encore?” Drew was always around when Pete least wanted him to be. Tonight it had been for – what was it again? Oh, right ‘moral support’.

            “Can I…Could you…I’m a bit…” Drew stepped out into the street a little more letting the door swing shut behind him leaving no hope of re-entry. Pete was alone now. His friends had left just before Drew came out which Pete was quite sure made him feel worse.

            “C’mon mate, you’re going to have them thinking-”

            “I don’t care what they’re left thinking. I’m not in a right place to be playing, yeah?”

            “We can go to mine” Drew suggested trying to sympathize now and still keep him from taking anything more. “Get some take-away, yeah?”

            “’M not hungry”

            “Well I’m starved” Drew said eyeing Pete’s thin frame.

            “Honestly Drew. I’ll fix you something at your flat then, I don’t want to walk through…anywhere”

            “Alright” he agreed putting his arm around Pete “let’s go then.”

 

                                                            ***

 

            “Pete! Pete! Bilo! Peter!” he heard screaming down through the flat, rushing down the hall, hauling on the door knob which sometimes locked itself. A violent shove with his shoulder and Carl appeared. Pete’s eyes couldn’t open wide enough to take in any detail in his appearance.

            “What?” Pete said realizing he’d not been reading for close to 20 minutes now. He must have dozed off mid page as the book was still in his hand. He set it aside and pulled the blankets back offering Carl a space to lie.

            “I was out”

            “Really?” Pete asked smiling

            “No, shut up!” he instructed taking his boots and jacket off and climbing in next to him. “I was out, drinking”

            “No need to tell me Biggles” he said waving his hand to direct Carl’s whiskey breath elsewhere.

            “And” he continued without realizing Pete had spoken “I thought of something”

            “And what did you think of?”

            “I thought of you” he said surprised Pete hadn’t caught on “I thought of you sitting here all alone with my drugs in the house and her not here” he said referring to the girlfriend Pete had just broken up with. “I wanted to see you were alright”

            “Carl I’m fine. I wouldn’t take your drugs” he laughed “I was reading poetry”

            “The fuck Pete” Carl said taking the book and throwing it across the room “you should be upset, not reading pleasantly. Who are you going to shag now?”

            “Shag?” Pete laughed “Carl would that be your first thought?”

            “No, but that was all you two did!” he mumbled “I just wanted to comfort you. Can’t even do that right” he sighed getting up.

            “Carlos” Pete pulled back on his shoulders. He toppled backwards, his head landing hard in Pete’s chest and his spine crumpling to accommodate him. Pete moved back to allow him to straighten. “Don’t leave. You do comfort me” he leaned down and kissed him “always.”

 

                                                            ***

At Drew’s he sat in the living room while Drew made dinner. Pete had made it to the refrigerator and managed only to find the beer. He sat in a chair much too small for anyone to be comfortable. He had his legs in his chest and his head on his knees.

            “Pete, have some pasta?”

            “No Drew, I told you” he pushed away the plate. Drew stopped trying and sat on the sofa digging into his own.

            “Drew, can I use your loo?” Drew brought his eyebrows into a look of confusion

            “You don’t have to ask Peter” Pete got up in a second and locked the door. He pressed his palms hard into his temples and massaged the headache away. He pulled out his mobile and dialled a familiar number, though maybe not the ideal one.

            “Peter?” a voice sounded out his name quietly “…where are you?” a gulp that’s following question symbolized ‘I give up’ “are you okay?”

            “Kate” he sobbed “I’m at Drew’s. I’m not. Come to the park, please” he begged “just talk to me.”

            “You know I can’t” she sighed “the press will be waiting for it. I won’t feed you into that”

            “Now’s the time to worry about it” he scoffed “the first 2 years weren’t quite what I’d describe as agony”

            “Peter” she was sobbing now too.

            “I’m sorry” he sniffed “I just meant-”

            “I know what you meant, but it wasn’t ever like you tried to avoid it”

            “I didn’t ask for it either!”

            “If you called to chew me out…”

            “I called because I want to see you” he tried again “need to”

            “Darling” she said her voice clenching up “I have someone here”

            “Some bloke?!” he demanded “do you have some fucking bloke at your house?!”

            “No!” she cried harder “Lila’s asleep in my lap and I’ve got a friend spending the night for-”

            “Moral support” he said under his breath. No response. He closed his eyes to hear her breathe.

            “I don’t want to yell and wake her.”

            “I’m sorry” he said again

            “I have to go Peter” he heard someone entering the room. Assuming it was her friend.

            “Will you see me?”

            “No” she said simply “I have to…we have to learn to live, yeah?”

            “No, Kate. I need you here”

            “I love… goodbye.” He heard a click. There was no reading between the lines on this. She loved him but she wouldn’t ever take him back. Maybe she was being the smart one. One thing was sure, the tabloids could say what they wanted, she was sweet and hurting too. He wondered how long it would last though. Kate had much different ways of dealing with problems than he did. She needed people around her all the time for constant support and validation. She would purge any piece of him from her life. Memories weren’t her style. She’d start anew happy and smiling and reasonably well dressed. He felt his muscles tensing up and took the rest of his drugs.

            “Peter?” Drew banged on the door.

            “’M coming” he opened the door avoiding Drew’s eyes.

            “Come lay in me bed Pete. You’re not-” ready to say ‘well’ Pete collapsed.

 

                                                            ***

 

Pete opened the door to the loo. The gig ended half an hour ago. Stepping in he saw Carl, hands and lips busy on some bird with no attempt to hide. He closed the door loudly and stood stone still watching, sucking on his bottom lip. Finally the girl turned her head enough to notice him. She pushed Carl away, dragged her fingers down his cheek and left the loo altogether.

            “What do you want?” he said moving to the mirror to fix himself up.

            “We have to leave in-”

            “I know” he cut him off. He pulled out his baggie of cocaine and waved it in front of Pete’s eyes, leading him into a stall.

            “You’re a cunt, you know that” Carl cut the powder and snuck a peck from Pete.

            “You fucking love it”

            “I don’t” he said sadly “what about…” he forced the name out “Annalisa?”

            “What about her?” he shrugged

            “She’s here!” Pete said dropping his jaw. Carl looked up an around the inside of the stall. “Not here, out there!”

            “Pete I’ve only just met the bird. Besides I didn’t start kissing that one, she just dragged me in here” Pete rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and you’re wondering what about you, right?”

            “Well if it’s not just Annalisa anymore…”

            “Annalisa’s my girlfriend, you’re my mate” he said staring into his lap and the powder and not at Pete. He took in 2 lines and moved aside for Pete to take his. He did and then he smacked Carl. “The fuck Pete”

            “You’re a selfish cunt at that!”

            “Because I don’t want to shag you?”

            “Fuck you!” Pete shoved Carl back against the back of the toilet. Carl got up and grabbing Pete at the shoulders forced him back against the wall of the stall. Pete retaliated by putting him in a headlock. Carl cursing in an endless stream. He finally elbowed him in the gut sending him back against the door. This time it flew open and the pair ended up on the floor. Pete couldn’t tell if Carl was going to take the advantage of being on top and hit him or kiss him. Hit him.

            “Hey!” Gary appeared the smile completely falling from his face. “Break it up!” he pulled at Carl who kept swinging. Pete’s lip was swelling up on the right side when another hit got him in the cheek, just before Carl was set down on his feet. “What is wrong with you guys?”

 

Sitting on the bus back to London Carl was next to John, Pete was next to Gary and Annalisa was asleep somewhere in the back. Gary was half asleep on Pete’s shoulder as he stared out the window. He sighed and Carl turned around giving him a dirty look.

            “Do you mind?”

            “Sod off. Walk home!”

            “Both of you sod off! You ruin everything.” John said turning too. Carl looked sideways at him, keeping his mouth quiet. “Can I get on this bus one night without you two fighting? Or you” he pointed at Pete “being high on cocaine typing senseless ramblings on that thing?” he referred to the laptop they kept on the bus “or you” he pointed at Carl “shagging some bird?”

            “Why is it him you pointed at?” Pete demanded

            “Because I can pull birds” he smirked

            “I’ve had more than you ever have!”

            “Liar” Carl snarled “and it’s me with the cocaine too” Carl reminded Pete taking out the remainder and waving it in front of his nose.

            “You bastard!” Pete pushed him away.

            “Pull over!” John yelled standing up. The bus halted. They were somewhere between 2 towns at some time after two in the morning. They did and John shook Gary awake and pulled Pete out from under him.

            “John what the fuck are you doing?”

            “I’m letting you two settle this away from me!” he threw Pete out the bus door, pushing Carl behind him. John who was usually pretty content and though sometimes annoyed with them was never so forward or...mean.

            “Christ John!” Pete said stunned “I didn’t know he had it in him.” Carl folded his arms and sat against the stopped bus.

            “Me neither” he said into his knees.

            “What’s wrong?” he asked Carl suddenly concerned as he heard the weakness in his voice.

            “You’re right” he whispered. Pete sat beside him, dropping an arm around him. Carl squirmed a minute and then settled. “I’m a cunt”

            “You’re not. I was just angry”

            “No, I know I am.”

            “Why?” he stroked his hair gently

            “Don’t make me” he said letting his head lull over onto Pete’s shoulder. “It’s because of everything you’ve said to me.”

            “No, you’re just high…and drunk…and-” Carl was sobbing now. Pete didn’t know exactly why but he stopped talking.

            “Oh for the love of – get on the bus!” Gary appeared by the door. “John’s just agitated, don’t worry, he’s sleeping now.”

 

                                                            ***

 

As they came in the front door Carl and Annalisa were still laughing.

            “You-You drunken fool, you-” she laughed trying hard to spit out a complete sentence. Carl helped her out of her coat.

            “I’m the drunken one?” he laughed

            “Oh god yes!” she said grabbing at his tie “so drunk” he kissed her. He tried to smoothly close the door behind them and lean her back against it but he only managed to slam it, followed by slamming her against it. “Ow” she laughed grasping at the back of her head.

            “I’m sorry!” she kept giggling madly as he tried to apologize more.

            “Carl stop” she finally breathed “I’m fine, I promise! Look” she grinned “all smiles” just then the phone rang. “I’ll get that” she walked over sliding a bit in her heels. “Lucie! Carl it’s Lucie!” she urged him over

            “Hi Luc” he said into the phone kissing behind Annalisa’s ear.

            “None of that around your sister”

            “She’s not here” he whined “she’s on the phone!”

            “What Lucie?” she pushed Carl’s face away squishing his nose in her palm. “What? Carl’s kissing in my ear” she giggled as it tickled. “Stop!” she laughed madly.

            “Lucie, is this urgent?” Carl asked taking the phone.

            “No, I just wanted to ask if-”

            “Then she’ll call you in the morning, love. Night” he hung up kissing Annalisa again.

 

Pete woke up in Drew’s bed unaware of how he’d gotten there. His mobile had been what had woken him. It was ringing horribly on the table beside him. It stopped the second he sat up. He sighed and turned to see who it had been. Before he reached the phone he found the note Drew had left him.

            Gone for lunch with Mik & Adam, explained you were unwell. Let us take care of the ‘Shamblin’ today, you sleep. We’ll talk later as I expect you’ll be gone when I get back.

            Love, Drew. Xx. 

Before he could love Drew too much his phone rang again.

            “Hello?” he said groggily tucking Drew’s note into the pocket of the pants he was still wearing.

            “Peter” a much to happy voice greeted him.

            “Irina, hey” he said trying to adjust to the situation.

            “Where are you?”

            “Drew’s, I spent the night”

            “Chose to spend the night?”

            “Where are you?” he tried

            “Well I’m standing outside your apartment wondering why you aren’t here”

            “Fuck, were we suppose to meet?” he asked getting out of bed and finding his shoes to put on.

            “No, it was supposed to be a surprise” there was a pause where he supposed she was inhaling from a cigarette. She always took the most magnificent first puff of a cigarette. “I’m awful at those, or so I keep being proved”

            “I didn’t know… I mean, I thought you were in Italy, or France, or…somewhere”

            “I was, but this new invention brought me back, it was a” she made some noises that meant she was pretending to think “oh right, an airplane”

            “Funny”

            “Want to meet me for a bite?”

            “In the park?”

            “In the park”

            “15 minutes?”

            “15 minutes”

            “Bye” click.

 

After the day out with Irina Pete had been exhausted. She had dragged him around to all the places she’d missed desperately over the last month walking shows in Europe. She’d finally sat down long enough to listen to a mediocre band at a pub. Pete woke up at 5 in the morning to a loud pounding on his door. He thought of just laying quiet and ignoring it. The knocking continued. It sounded as if the person had flattened their fist.

            “Pete” he knew the voice. One he was hopeful to avoid, especially after his conversation with Carl a few weeks ago. He’d felt extra guilty ever since. “Ah, fuck he’s not at home” the voice seemed to say to himself… no wait a second voice responded

            “Well then we just wait right here. He has to be home soon” No, no, go away. Pete thought finding himself creeping towards the door

            “Does he?” the first voice sighed “he might be out of the fucking country for all I know”

            “You’re right. He’d have called” the guy laughed “Doherty always calls” Pete held his tongue ready to throw the door open and tell him all the things on his mind after such a statement. He heard their steps die off in the distance. He wandered to the table then and sat down lighting a cigarette. He sat in his shorts at the table laying his heavy head in his hands for no more than 10 minutes when a knock came again.

            “Fuck” he said out loud getting up. The banging persisted. He couldn’t hold it anymore. They must have found a phone box and called someone who’d know where he was. The must be back with drugs, or worse empty pockets. He was ready to tell them to get lost for good, skag or not. He was ready to… he opened the door to see Carl standing dishevelled. He hadn’t been ready for that.

            “You said you’d ring me you bastard” he tried to smile.

            “Carl…” he gaped “what are you… it’s 5 a.m.!”

            “Don’t you think I know that? Well actually didn’t…” he moved inside closing the door. “I saw your mates on the street…” he said inspecting Pete who became very aware of being in his underwear. “But I suppose you would have dressed if you’d let them in”

            “Yeah…”

            “Do you mind if I kip here?” he said removing his jacket.

            “Carl you look fucking awful!” he blurted out. He hadn’t seen Carl look so bad since… well since the band split up really. It hurt him to think that he seemed better without him. Though not seeing all the time that might not be true either. Everyone had a fair enough image of Pete showing up begging Carl for a place to stay, a bite to eat, a few quid for this and that, but here was Carl looking like he’d just falling down a ditch. Carl laughed and moved to the bathroom where he splashed cold water over his face, running it through is hair.

            “Better?” Pete stood stone still watching him, waiting for an answer which in typical Carl fashion he didn’t give.

            “Yeah… you can kip here”

            “Thank you” he smiled gratefully. Carl approached him cautiously, finally gripping the back of his neck and pulling him to his lips. “Aw, it’s no fun” he said pulling away and resting their foreheads together. Pete could smell the whiskey on his breath “you’re already undressed”

            “Carl why are you here?” he asked trying to resist kissing him again.

            “I…” he sighed “does it matter right now?”

            “No” Pete caved bring their lips together.