Kitty ([info]kittyrainbow) wrote in [info]af100,
@ 2005-12-19 03:47:00
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Current music:"Poka" - Yulia Savicheva

Challenge 13 entry
Title: Partial
Prompt: #13 - Ring
Rating: G
Characters: Artemis, Juliet
Points to: The Unofficial Jade Princess Fan Club
Words: 100

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Artemis heard Juliet's dreadful ringtone jangle in the next room. Noise pollution. He went to the door to tell her so. As he reached it, she started talking. Now he'd have to wait.

"Coming tonight, Nicky?" (His parents had given Juliet permission for a party. And they'd suddenly remembered they had tickets to an opera. Funny.)

Juliet laughed. "Nah, he'll be in his room."

Artemis frowned. He...?

Juliet gasped. "Don't you dare say anything!" A pause. "Then I'll have to tell Tom about you..." More laughter. "You're meaner." Giggles. "Yeah, bye."

Retreating, Artemis thought perhaps he would be sociable tonight.

-----

I think a lot of Artemis's reasoning got cut out of this (it was originally 190 words!), possibly too much. The beginning relies a lot on subtext and preconceptions. But, eh, I don't think that damages it too much.


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[info]blueyeti
2005-12-19 10:25 am UTC (link)
I think that, for this one, you should have jumped up to a double-drabble. It's far easier to get all your beautiful subtext across if you've got 200 words.

I loved Artemis's thought about noise pollution - very IC. *grin*

*remembers to run off and write one of these myself*

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[info]kittyrainbow
2005-12-19 01:41 pm UTC (link)
I don't think it was all that much better in the original draft. The wording was a bit crap, frankly, which of course under extreme!drabbleediting!scrutiny I fixed up a little. Most of what I took out was in the second and fifth paragraphs. But, eh, we lost a bit about how it would be "impolite" to interrupt, how Artemis wasn't purposely listening (we all know he's a nosy wotsit really) and his half-smile at the end. It just softened it down a little bit.

XD; Thanks. That was actually the basis for the fic. Ring --> ringtone --> oh I bet Juliet has one of those annoying, tinny pop song ones --> Artemis would hate that. Now, what else can I construct to fill out another 80 words?? I am not kidding.

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