Stand by me
Title: Stand by me

Author: Kitekat1

Pairing: Matt Sanders/Brian Haner

Rating: R

Disclaimer: This story is fiction and never happened. I don't own any of the characters.

Summary: Set months after the release of 'City of Evil', the lives of the Avenged members drastically change when one of their own has to deal with the consequences of a harsh stroke of faith. Nothing is the way it was before. Will things fall apart, or can something good come out of the new situation when unforeseen feelings evolve?

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8



Chapter 9


A few weeks later

“Move your ass; it’s time to get up!”

Brian gave a startled jerk because he had been fast asleep till just a second ago. Because of that, he wasn’t quite aware of what was going on, and he sleepily blinked his eyes at the person standing in front of him.

“Zacky? What’s goin’ on?” he mumbled, too drowsy to talk in coherent words

“Not much, which is why I decided to come up here and wake you up,” the left-handed guitarist grinned. “It’s really boring without you. Come on, get up and get ready!”

“Ughnnn…” Brian pushed himself up, only to have the blanket slide down and expose his bare chest to the chilling breath of air that came in his room now that the door was wide open.

“Briiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaan,” Zacky whined.

“Fuck off! What do I need to get ready for anyways? What are you doing here?”

Zacky pouted playfully and put on a beaming smile. “Jimmy and Johnny have come as well and they’re downstairs. We wanna have breakfast together and spend the day over here. And before you ask, Matt didn’t know about this, he’s getting ready himself as we speak. We haven’t heard from any of you in days, so we decided to change that, and now we’re here. Johnny is really hungry and it would suck if he had to wait ages for you to finally get out of the bed.”

“Too bad for him, because I don’t really feel like getting up,” Brian stubbornly said, lay down and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders again.

“No, it’s actually too bad for you, because you will get your ass out of the bed, because I said so!” Zacky snatched away the blanket, leaving Brian only clad in his boxers.

“Don’t you every fucking do that again!” Brian yelled, frantically reached for the blanket from the other side of the double bed and put it over him.

Zacky raised his eyebrows at him, careful to not upset him any further. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that Brian had only covered up his partly clothed limp lower extremities, and not his bare chest, as if to shield them from Zacky’s watch.

“I’m sorry for taking away your blanket, alright?” Zacky calmly said, “I didn’t think it was a big deal since we used to do this all the time to each other back then…”

“Well, I don’t like it anymore… I was cold,” Brian offered, knowing too well how weak his explanation sounded, but needing to justify his actions to himself.

“Sure thing, man. But now step on it, take a shower, get some clothes on and make yourself presentable. I won’t accept a ‘no’. We’ll be waiting in the kitchen.” Zacky was already at the door when he turned around again. “And Brian, hurry up, Johnny is starving and I don’t know how long we’ll be able to keep him away from the food.”

Brian nodded and tiredly rubbed the sleep from his eyes, not feeling well enough to object, though he didn’t want to get up. What did he have to get up for?

For the last days he had felt tired, downcast and powerless, so much that he had found himself unable to leave the bed. Other than trips to the bathroom he had not once gotten out of his secure fortress.

Matt had tried to coax him to coming out, numerous times he had, but his attempts remained fruitless.

Brian continued to lie in his bed, either sleeping or lying on his back to stare at the ceiling, not even coming out to eat. It was thanks to Matt he ate at all; because he always made sure Brian had three meals a day.

During those days, Brian hadn’t said one single word to his cohabitant and barely acknowledged his presence, too caught up in his own misery to socialize. Bad times in the Haner household, because it seemed the more Brian wallowed, the more Matt retracted himself.

Brian sighed as he crawled into the position he could reach the wheelchair from, notably feeling the soreness on his skin, which was just something he had to deal with when he had laid in bed for so long; just like he had in the hospital.

Maybe it was a good thing Zacky had come after all, he thought when he sat down in the chair and made his way to the bathroom…

~ ~ ~

“How long does it fucking take to get a shower and throw some clothes on?” The bassist grouched, sitting at the kitchen table and staring at the basket of rolls in front of him.

“Things just take a little longer now, Johnny.” Unbeknownst to the others, Brian had come down the stairs, already wheeled himself into the kitchen and was now heading for the gap in between Zacky and Jimmy, which they had created by removing a chair to make some space for him. Brian had heard the words, but didn’t seem to be angry. He merely wiped away a droplet of water that was seeping onto his shirt from his still wet hair.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Johnny apologized somewhat embarrassed that his friend had heard him.

“Yes you did,” Brian said, leaving the people at the table in an uncomfortable silence, a silence that was interrupted by the loud rumbling of Johnny’s stomach.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny mumbled, leaving it open whether he apologized for his faux pas or his stomach.

“So, uh, now that you’re here we can start eating, right?” He didn’t even wait for a reply and put as much on his plate as he could.

Having talked to two of his friends, Brian felt compelled to greet the remaining two, sending a forced, constrained smile to Jimmy and receiving a curt nod in return. Brian hadn’t expected anything else. He looked over to friend number four without further thought – the sight catching him off guard and nearly taking away his breath.

He mustered Matt quietly, wide-eyed, feeling uneasy about the way Matt seemed to not have shaved as long as Brian hadn’t shaved his beard, the stubble on their faces told the truth. Also, he was worried about Matt’s pasty gray skin tone and the red puffy eyes, which told him Matt hadn’t slept all night – or longer.

Had there been a specific cause for this? Brian couldn’t think of one, but then again, he hadn’t paid any attention to what was going on in the singer’s life, hell, he hadn’t even looked at his friend in the last few days.

“Matt?” Brian asked quietly, attracting three curious and one shocked glance, and causing the breakfast to halt for a moment. “You don’t look so good, are you okay?”

“Uh… Yeah, I just… I didn’t get much sleep. I had a nightmare which kept me awake for the rest of the night…”

Brian noticed Zacky and Johnny sharing a distinct look, and Jimmy shaking his head while looking on his plate, obviously struggling to keep his thoughts to himself.

“Yeah, another one…” Johnny grimly said.

Apparently, everyone seemed to know what was talked about and where the discussion would be leading to, everyone but Brian.

“Leave it,” Matt said and took a sip of his coffee.

“Have you even looked at yourself?” Jimmy protested vigorously. “This can’t go on, I told you before, and you need to get –”

“I told you to leave it! This is not the time and place to discuss this,” Matt shouted, silencing Jimmy and making everyone else think twice about any other comment that might have been said. “You guys came to spend some time with us, so fucking seize it and don’t waste your breath!”

By now, Brian was certain that something was going on, something he wasn’t supposed to know about.

Jimmy only scowled and grumpily dipped his croissant into a blob of jam, biting into it angrily. “Just so you know,” he said with his mouth full, “we’re gonna talk about this. I’m not done yet.”

“But I am, Sullivan! Don’t make me repeat myself!”

“Yeah Matt, that’s your response to everything…”

“Soooo,” Zacky interrupted, preventing the argument from entering the next round. “You were pretty much unavailable for a while. What have you been up to in the last few days?”

At first no one answered his question, but then Matt cleared his throat. “Well, not much. We were at home the whole time.”

“What did you do?” Johnny asked.

Brian didn’t look up when he replied, while spiritlessly flipping off bread crumbs. “I was in bed.”

Zacky looked amused. “And other than that? I’m sure you did something else too.”

“No.”

“No?” Jimmy raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

“I just told you I didn’t. I was in bed, that’s it.”

Zacky looked at Matt with a bewildered expression and received a nod and then a tired shrug from the singer.

“It’s true. Brian was in his room and I didn’t do much either. I only cleaned up the house a bit and did the necessities. Other than that I was in the living room to watch some TV or just sit there, the usual… Well I did leave the house once, I bought groceries and drove to my apartment to get my mail.” Matt looked at Brian, hoping he’d speak up, but Brian wasn’t even looking up.

“We’ll be back to our normal routine next week, I suppose. Brian’s therapist has been on vacation for a little over a week and she’ll be back in a few days, so we’ll go there in the mornings again…” The singer continued.

“Doesn’t she have a stand-in you could go to?” Johnny inquired.

“She does,” Brian said and pushed away his plate, though he hadn’t been eating.

“So…?” Zacky asked incredulously.

Matt couldn’t help but have a bitter smile grace his features. He was used to Brian reacting the way he did – short answers, unwilling to say more than he had to, avoiding eye contact – so he wasn’t surprised that his friend continued this behavior with the others. But he couldn’t deny how much it pained him, what an anguish it was for him to see Brian like that, how he had been suffering from the lack of communication.

“So what? I don’t want any other therapist,” Brian shrugged. “I’ll wait for her till she’s back.”

Jimmy raised his eyebrows, not understanding why Brian had put his recovery on hold. “Care to explain why?”

“As if you’d understand…”

The drummer’s face flushed and he snarled. “Maybe that’s because you are too busy being a dickhead, and pitying yourself to let your friends in on your feelings. Get a grip, stop thinking about yourself, and catch on that we’re sticking around for a reason.”

Hurt flashed through Brian’s eyes and he looked up. “I didn’t expect you to see through how I feel anyway.”

“Yeah, I really don’t get it,” Jimmy nodded, staring at Brian icily. “Instead of being grateful to have your friends around, to have one of your best friends giving up everything just to enable you to have company, to have a supportive family, hell, to even be alive, you push the ones around you away and prefer looking miserable.”

Again, there was an awkward silence, in which Jimmy glared at the downcast guitarist, who had put his elbows on the table and rested his head on his knuckles. Johnny quietly chewed on a bite of toast and observed the situation in front of him warily. Zacky did the same, only had he lost his appetite and didn’t dream of even touching any food at the moment.

The singer however rubbed his head tiredly, because it seemed that though Jimmy had said some big words, Brian didn’t care enough to reply. It was frustrating that no matter what was said, it didn’t seem to have an impact on Brian.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” Jimmy asked irritated.

“Jimmy…” Zacky objected weakly.

“What do you want me to say?” Brian said, the distance between him and his friends displayed in his voice. “You’ve already made up your mind.”

Matt shook his head softly and pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to get rid of the headache which had formed just then. Matt knew he couldn’t take more of Brian’s indifference, of Jimmy’s coldness, of everything. He needed a break, he needed to breathe.

“Okay guys,” Matt suddenly spoke up and rubbed his eyes, “I feel like shit. Is it okay if I leave you guys alone for a bit? I wanna go upstairs and lie down for a bit.”

“Yeah, no problem,” was the prompt reply from his band mates, to which he got up and slowly dragged himself towards the door, leaving the room. Zacky hesitated a moment, but then got up as well and followed the singer upstairs. Brian noticed Jimmy and Johnny sharing a distinct look.

“Is there something I missed?” he asked them.

“Why would you think there is?” Jimmy retorted.

“Well… Zacky’s following him, this glance between you two, Matt looking like crap and not sleeping… What is it you guys know and I don’t?”

“Now you care?”

“Please…”

Johnny elbowed Jimmy and answered for him. “He’s worried about you, just like we all are. And he has nightmares, pretty much every night now – that’s why he has trouble sleeping.”

Brian was taken aback. “That’s new to me. Nightmares… about what?”

Jimmy was silent at first, eying Brian narrowly. “You. And that’s all you’re gonna get from me.”

The guitarist pursed his lips, but nodded. “Fair enough.”

Johnny and Jimmy started talking quietly, not specifically excluding their friend, but not making it easy for Brian to get in. It turned out to be unnecessary anyway, because Brian had once again opted out of any form to socialize. Instead, he leant back into his wheelchair and ran his hand through his hair, sighing when his hand came back wet. Hopefully he didn’t look as bad as he felt… But there wasn’t any need for him to dress up – it wasn’t like he’d be going out anymore. There wasn’t anyone he needed to impress anymore. His wild years were over.

Brian sighed and thereby attracted his friends’ attention on him. “Hey guys, I’ll get upstairs to take care of my hair. Just… I don’t know, keep on doing what you were doing. Maybe clean up the kitchen a bit, this chaos was your doing anyway. I’ll come back down when I’m done.”

“Right…”

The guitarist quickly reached the stairs, being acquainted enough with the wheelchair that it was very easy for him to move around in his house, even faster than he had been moving forward on his own two legs. With ease he maneuvered the vehicle onto the platform made of steel and pushed a button, the whole lift was put into motion and transported the disabled man with a soft whirring sound onto the next floor.

Brian rolled down the platform and quietly wheeled himself into his room, headed towards the dresser and got his hairbrush, brushing his thick black hair and trying to straighten the rebellious curls that always appeared once he had washed it. Satisfied, he laid down the brush again and picked up a hair tie, restricting a few strands from falling over face.

“Alright,” he nodded and regarded himself in the mirror one last time, touching his beard stubbles with his fingers lightly and scrunching up his nose.

He put his hands on the wheels again and pushed the chair forward, taking a turn when he had passed his door and approached the stairs. When he had reached them, he stopped and turned his head to the side. He had heard noises coming out of the guestroom. What were Matt and Zacky doing there? It sounded as if someone was crying… that couldn’t be, right?

He spun his wheelchair around and rolled to the guestroom, finding the door ajar. It was wrong to eavesdrop, Brian was well aware of that, but he couldn’t help but listen in on the conversation that took place.

What he would hear was a shock to his system, it couldn’t be described as anything else.

“I know…” Zacky said in a calm and soothing voice, trying to drown out the sound of distressed whimpers.

“I tried, I really did. I tried so hard,” Matt choked out, audibly snuffling his noise afterwards.

“I know you did.”

“He’s just not getting better, if anything he’s getting worse and worse each day. He was better when I just moved in,” the singer panted, “I don’t know what to do anymore, Zacky. I want to help him so bad.”

“We all do,” Zacky whispered, and Brian had to perk up his ears to hear him.

“He doesn’t talk to me anymore either. Did you know he and his dad are not talking anymore? He never told me that, I only found out when I called Papa Gates and he explained the basics to me. I can’t even say what happened between the two,” Matt said and a sob escaped him.

“Brian senior only said he didn’t want to talk to him or hear about any updates unless he had come to his senses. I have no idea what’s that supposed to mean. Brian’s suffering and I don’t know how to help him, it’s driving me crazy.”

“Let it out, Matt, it’s okay,” Zacky said, and when Brian opened the door a bit more, he saw that both were on the bed, Matt having tears trailing down his cheeks and Zacky having his hand on Matt’s arm, rubbing comfortingly.

“I tried…” Matt sniffled.

“Maybe you should consider what we already talked about… It might be better for you. Move out and back into your place, take a break.”

Matt shook his head, “No, I can’t.”

Zacky sighed. “You’ve been around him 24/7 for nearly two months now. You need to have a break as well. This is too hard for you, you can’t do it alone. We all know you tried, you said it yourself, but maybe he needs more help than we can give him.”

“I can’t just move out. What’s he supposed to do on his own?” Matt wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

“Maybe we did it wrong from the beginning,” Zacky shrugged. “I think the rehab center would have been the right thing to do. He’d have had ongoing care and support, as well as psychiatric counseling. The words scared us so much that we dismissed them without thinking about that possibility any further, and Brian did the same.”

“So what are you gonna do?” Matt began to cry. “Just ship him to some facility and hope he’ll magically get better?”

“Of course not,” Zacky shook his head and continued to comfort the singer by rubbing his arm. “But there has to be a way to help him without you, or any of us being around him day and night. Anyway, he has to learn getting along on his own eventually.”

“But… but…”

“We have to find a solution, because the situation as it is now is unhealthy for both of you. It’s bad enough already that Brian is a wreck, but we can’t have you going down with him, Matt.”

“I’m okay,” Matt weakly said, pathetically rubbing his nose. “It’s him you need to worry about.”

“Hey, listen to me. Brian would understand. I know he would. He didn’t realize how much you’re affected by all this, too. Fuck, we all are, but especially you. If he knew you had problems falling asleep he’d understand…”

Matt choked on a sob. “I’m so fucking scared he’ll be gone when I wake up the next morning. I hate thinking of him like that, but I just… it’s too much.”

“I know,” Zacky said and pulled Matt in a hug when he broke down, shaking badly. Matt was bent forward, still sitting on the bed, and his head was pressed tightly into Zacky’s chest. Zacky had one arm on top of his head, and the other lay across his back comfortingly. “Brian would react differently if he knew you were suffering too.”

“I tried everything,” Matt cried unhappily, “Nothing worked. He’s my best friend; it fucking hurts me to see him in this constant pain. I can’t leave him alone. It’ll look like I gave up on him, I can’t do that, I don’t want him to think I gave up…”

Outside the room, Brian was in shock. Had his actions – or lack of action, even – hurt Matt that much? How could he have not seen it coming, how had he not realized what was going on in his friend’s life? Had he been that blind?

His insides were screaming at him to turn around and get down the stairs again, to avoid becoming directly involved, and to get a night or more to think about everything he had just heard then. Instead of complying, he found himself wheeling forward and opening the door completely.

Zacky turned his head and look at him with an unreadable expression, while Matt sat up with a jerk and wiped his eyes hastily, trying to compose himself and look cheerful.

“Hey Brian,” Matt forced out, smiling at his friend wryly. “Zacky was just… he was just… he wanted…”

“I heard most of what was said in here, Matt, you can save yourself the trouble and stop pretending,” Brian said softly. “We need to talk, this is long overdue. Zacky, can you please leave us alone for a bit?”

“Will you be okay?” Zacky asked quietly, directing this at the singer, who had a few tears running down his cheeks again.

“I think so,” he nodded, “Thank you Zee.”

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” Zacky said and left the room, shutting the door behind him and audibly going down the stairs.

“Matt…” Brian began and trailed off, helplessly.

“It wasn’t meant for you to hear. I’m sorry, I should have not talked about it.”

Brian furrowed his brows. “Why? So you’d be even more unhappy and you could bottle up your feelings like I’m doing?”

Matt sighed and smoothed down his blanket with his hand, not knowing what to do. “No, but I didn’t want you to find out like that. You have problems on your own already, I don’t want to burden you with my problems too.”

The guitarist grasped the wheels of his chair tightly and pushed himself forward until he came to rest in front of Matt. He slipped a bit forward, so he was sitting on the edge of his seat, and leant forward, just able to hold his balance.

“I don’t want you to keep everything to yourself. I’m aware that I have my… issues… but I never knew you were feeling that strongly about what’s going on with me. I wish I had known earlier. I’m a bad friend, I’m sorry. Jimmy was right, eh? I’m too caught up in my own business that I completely forget those around me,” Brian shrugged.

“Well, you are the ones with the biggest problems of all of us, I can’t say that I blame you.”

“Oh no, don’t start that with me. I heard you cry a few minutes ago. You’re not feeling okay with this, don’t pretend you are. Zacky told the truth there, you know? You gotta let it out, seriously.”

“Says the right person,” Matt chuckled, wiping away a tear. “Try taking your own advice to heart.”

Brian smiled faintly as well. “I’m a different story. We were just talking about you here. I mean, look at you.” He reached out and brushed his finger lightly over Matt’s stubble. “I know why I haven’t shaved in ages, but you? Matt, don’t do this to yourself.”

“I don’t know what to do at times. I don’t know how to react. Am I supposed to pamper you? Am I supposed to be strict? Do I have to find the middle? Do I need to be as blunt as Jimmy? Do I need to tell you Jimmy’s opinion, only in a nicer way? I really don’t know… I don’t know how I can reach you. You seem so distant sometimes.”

“Are you asking me for a way to kick my ass?”

Matt shifted on the bed. “Don’t make a joke out of it now, okay? Let’s look at this in all seriousness. How can I make you understand what you won’t see?”

“I’m not sure either, Matt. I just know I never want to see you cry again. If I knew how to, this would be so much easier. I don’t know why, but talking to you is easier than talking to the others,” Brian admitted.

“Then let’s do it more often,” Matt suggested. “If it helps you…”

“I’m always amazed how you manage to turn something that’s supposed about you into talk about me,” the guitarist raised his eyebrows. “I… I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry you can’t sleep because of me, though I didn’t fully understand why. What’s up with those nightmares? You can talk to me, you know?”

Matt shuddered. “Can we please not talk about my nightmares now? It’s… it’s just horrible, and I don’t want to think of them. It’s bad enough the guys brought them up in the kitchen earlier. And before you ask, they know about it because I had to tell someone.”

Brian noticed, a bit with worry that tears were already forming in his eyes again. “Matt, don’t… it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Matt sniffled and rubbed his eyes, feeling ashamed for breaking down like this when he was supposed to be Brian’s strength.

“It’s okay…” Brian nodded and turned the wheelchair a bit to the side, securing the brakes and stemming himself up on his arms, moving over to the bed and sitting down next to his friend.

“I’ll try to not cause you any worry,” Brian whispered and drew Matt in for a hug, gripping him tightly and pressing him close to his chest.

Matt nodded into the hug, burying his face in Brian’s neck.

“I’ll try to make things better… I can’t promise you much, but I promise I’ll try. I’ll try…” Brian said and wiped his eyes himself.

Matt let out a muffled sob, and Brian put on hand on Matt’s head, gripping his hair gently and holding him tightly.

“It’ll be alright. Shhh, it’ll be alright.”

“I know,” Matt said and pulled his head back, rubbing his eyes again and laughing through his tears. “Fuck, I really had a cry-day today…”

“That’s allowed, you’ve been strong enough for the both of us for too long,” Brian reassured, moving in for a hug again. “I’m trying to get better, okay? I don’t want you to endure more than you have to.”

Again, Matt pulled back, with a broad smile on his face. “I know you’ll be able to do it. And just so you know, I’ll always be there for you to rely on.”

“Thank you,” Brian nodded and lifted his hand and placed it on Matt’s cheek gently, patting it two times before smiling at him.

The singer moved his head forward slowly and placed a tender kiss on Brian’s cheek, closing his eyes in the process.

“No, thank you,” he breathed and disentangled himself from the hug, scratching his head.

Brian pulled back as well, looking stunned. “So, uh… I guess we should head down again, see what those fuckers are doing in my kitchen.”

“Yeah, I suppose we should…”