God, I get it. People are shit.

I got that the first time.
With the war.
WIth the irrationality and immaturity of humans who fail at communication and turn towards anger and hostility and set the world into torching flames of wrath and hatred. We are doomed. I know this. People cannot break the chain of being decent human beings after suffering. They seem to think they have to impose everything that has been done to them onto others. Are you trying to tell me to give up? Not all of us are bad, though. Can you please help me sort out the bad from the good? Because I'm tired of being let down and I know it's unrealistic to think that people won't always let me down but I don't want to be pessimistic about life. Can you just send ONE motherfucker to prove me wrong? To show me some good in people. I'm a good person and I believe the best in people. Lately, though, I seem to be let down by everyone. It seems like everyone I come across has hidden motives. I know people fuck up, that's human nature, that's fine. It's how you deal with it after you fuck up. I admit it, I apoligize, I move on with my life. I don't stoop to the level of 8th grade tactics. Maybe I'm just not meant to interact with humans. Maybe I'm supposed to be on my own. Maybe I don't belong with anyone. Maybe I don't belong here. I keep being let down over and over and I have yet to turn my back on another person and do to them what has been done to me. I haven't had it easy, and I haven't even told anyone half of my fucking life story because I don't let it affect the way I treat others. I'm one of the kindest people you will come across and I have so much love. Why do people want to destroy that? I'm sitting here crying my fucking eyes out because I don't know what else to do. I have so many aspiration but I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm sinking and there's no one to pull me out and I don't know how to get out of it. I figure, with time, I'll either be spit out or sucked in.

Can I just have one person here? I can't stay locked up in my room forever. It's not healthy. I'm not stupid, I have better insight on others than most people. I can see right through all of you and I wanted so badly to see the good that I brainwashed myself. I'm sick of this. I need to get out and I can't think of any way...well maybe one...but I love my parents too much. I'm only here because of them. My dad almost died for me. My mom gave up everything. I was all she had with her when she left. We moved here for a better life. For a chance to be something. For a chance to be someone. I'll be damned if a couple of motherfucking shitty ass people stop me from being someone.

Thank God for family, because fuck friends. Fuck. Friends. And by that I mean the people up here. My parents told me not to trust anyone. They told me not to worry about people and focus on school and there will be plenty of time in the future for people. I should've listened to them. I'm hurting and I dislike all of you right now. I've been there for all of you. All of you. Fuck you for not being there for me. Shows your true character for not caring. I don't give a fuck how many things you buy for others, it doesn't make up for how many people you've fucked over. You have so much left to learn. How to be a good person is one of them, and I'll give you a tip; it's not about how many coffees and how much food you give. I'm done with you though. After all the good things. I can't believe you. And you have nothing to say to me? I do. Fuck. You. You're the shittiest person I've met thus far in my life. Fuck you for toying with my emotions. Fuck you for being a shitty friend to me. I don't care how much you're there for everyone else. Turning your back on ONE person is enough to make you a hypocrite and a shitty friend. I don't even want your friendship all I want is a fucking explaination. But I don't even care anymore. I'm done with everyone and everything. If it's that easy for you to throw it all away, you never were a good friend in the first place. You stayed up with me till 5 for your benefit. You made out with me for your benefit. You were there for me for your benefit. It was never in my consideration, you fooled me. I'm done though. I'm just so fucking confused as to who the fuck you think you are to have the right to do this to anyone? If I knew I was hurting someone this much. There is no way I could just walk by. You have NO fucking excuse. None.

I have absolutely no motivation in college so far. I really don't.

Just look at this example.

I have to do a summary for English.. i've decided to not do it.
I have to type a bibliography for Media.. yep, no thanks.
Preparing a lesson for English? OMG LOL.

it feels too similar to high school and i'm bored with all my classes. NEXT SEMESTER? WILL THERE BE A NEXT SEMESTER?

and look, i'm writing in my livejournal instead of doing anything productive!!!!!!


etert43563445234jretgr

Cinderbitch, my laptop, is being an absolute darling and not turning on. Like, the lights are on, but the screen displays nothing. Apparently I'm no longer entitled to over-the-phone customer service, so I have to go to the shop tomorrow to get them to look at it. Which is really fucking annoying, because it's a goddamn new computer. I got it in August. Hopefully they'll be able to do something about it, but I have to skip school, and I really, really don't want to skip school, and Katy doesn't want to go with me to take it to the shop, so I have to go by myself, and that'd be fine if this were just a regular trip, but I stress about these things so much that I know that at least the trip there is going to be unbearable if I'm alone and FUCK. FUCKING SHIT. Why is my computer so full of fail?

Ugh...I wish this didn't bother me so much, but stuff like this makes me crazy. Sorry for ranting.

• 16:42 posting a new photo on deviantART..
  can't wait to have a reflex camera.. :/
  i want ittttt ._. #

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You know, I actually like the new Keane album.

Friday was a bit of a washout, Light Night was a disappointment (also, "dusk til dawn"?! bullshit.), The Heavenly Option was empty (aside from some Oasistwats) and Idioteque left me in a bad mood. We did a hil-a-rious text joke on Ramzy which left us giggling our faces off and topped up with endorphins though, which is worth a mention.

Last night we put on our 2nd More & More Tiger gig and not only broke even but IN FACT MADE ENOUGH OF A PROFIT TO PAY THE BANDS. So this was a success. I have had a very nice Sunday tidying up and making a load of chickpea curry type mush (nom) & we had a good little band practise, vey enjoyable, Vegas is nearly ready and is sounding excellents.

Tom & Charlotte are coming round for cupsofteas and board games, then we are RENTing with Louise this evening. So I own not a notion, I escape, and ache, content; I don't own emotion, I rent.

Dear Diary,

It’s the journey of it all that kills me. I suppose there is truth to the saying, ‘The end justifies the means’. Yet, the end seems like an eternity to take, to happen, to become. I wait for you sometimes patiently, sometimes impatiently. This is one of the impatient moments.

I had gone to school today, unaware of the hustle and bustle around me. Lost in my own thoughts. Trust me, my thoughts today weren’t of the philosophical kind. It was of just matters of unimportance. What should I eat today? What should I do after class? Should I call him? It’s such a beautiful day today. It would’ve been nice to enjoy it with you...

I speak in tangents, obviously think in tangents. I’m sorry if it confuses you but my idea of you…You. You would accept it. Laugh sometimes at me or with me. If it’s you, I would be ok if you laughed at me. I know you would do it lovingly and it makes me happy that I can make you laugh, even if it’s at my own expense.

Anyways, class was uneventful, as always. Show up, pay attention, do your work. It’s basically a job that I pay for without any present financial rewards until graduation. Even then, it’s just a degree.

I’m sorry. You must be confused. I didn’t explain myself, my purpose. If you are reading this, then finally I’ve met you. I’ve been waiting my whole life for you. I’m a hopefully not hopeless romantic at heart. I believe that each person has a soul mate. Some find their soul mate early in their lives, others find them when they are old and wobbly. I hope that the latter situation does not happen to me. So in preparation for my soul mate, you, I’m writing this for both you and I. As I am writing this, I do not know who you are. I can talk to my best friends but there are times when I want to talk to you. There in lies the rub. You do not exist. I mean, of course you exist but you do not exist in my reality. This is mostly a cathartic exercise for me. I also want this to help you better understand my past, which is currently the present to me. Whatever insecurities I have, fears I hold in my heart, maybe this will help you better understand me.

By the way, I did call him. (Don’t be jealous!) I don’t know what I feel for him. He is attractive, yes. It’s just I don’t really feel anything between us emotionally. It’s easy to muster up some physical attraction for an attractive person. I just don’t know if it’s worth it, you know? Should I pursue this relationship? I honestly don’t know and can’t answer at the moment. I’ve been hurt way too many times in the past and even though this is just the beginning, I’m afraid of the end result. Josie, my best friend, encourages me to keep going out with Matt. She likes him; he’s nice enough to my friends. We’ll see. Let the games begin.

Last night was fantastic. My stepdad's zydeco band was playing in a nearby coffee shop, so I dragged Erik and Rara along to go see them. I spent most of the time dancing like a spastic idiot, either by myself, with Erik, with Rara, or with my mother, and so the whole thing wound up being quite a work out. At one point they asked a few people up there to play what appeared to be a washboard, and I did that, just for the experience. My hands were vibrating my the end of it, and I'm sure I was off-key, but it was still a lot of fun. They did awesome covers of things like 'Me & Julio' and 'Under My Thumb'--I danced with Erik to the first one and made absolutely sure to dance alone or with Rara for the second. I just wouldn't be comfortable dancing to that song with anybody male. It was a fun, exciting night, and I'm so glad that I went. I still have the beads they gave out kicking around my room, and I intend to keep them.

During the last song, this woman who was more than a little insane came up on stage and started whispering the words 'kill kill kill kill' to my stepfather as he was trying to play the guitar. Dave obviously wanted to knock her out, but he just moved to the back and let her sing into the microphone, because their set was almost over and it was...entertaining. She did some kind of dance that looked like she was injecting heroin while bellydancing, and she sang about killing us all. After her there was this hilarious transvestite who sang about something American and made a bunch of ridiculous faces. So the after show entertainment was pretty good, even if the first part with the lady was somewhat creepy.

Over all, fuckawesome night. This isn't something I could handle doing every night, but it was excellent.

I So Wanted (English Version) - Rie Fu

so...

I tried to do just one, but I ended up making a serious-ish one and a completely not-serious one. Guess which is which.

( SUPERNATURAL FANMIXES ; dean + castiel )

• 15:45 @aeiouna, yes, it does. #
• 15:47 Holy crap, another fire siren, and the same two fire trucks as yesterday rushed by again. Again, I wonder where the fire is. #

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I finally downloaded Paper Trail, and listened to it all the way through. I like it a lot more than I thought I would.

I listen to TI. shut up.


creepin in the cub waiting for my interview.
gggggggget it.


so glad it's friday. it felt like this weekend would never come.

If anyone recalls, I posted a while ago about the therapist I was going to--about how I hated her responses to what I told her about my life. Well, I actually did discuss this with her--I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do that, but she gave me an opening. And she's been a lot better, since we said that. She doesn't react with shock and horror to what I say anymore. She said that the reason she was doing it was because I was apparently trying to diminish the importance of just about everything I brought up, and the impact they actually had on my life, and she thought that that wasn't healthy. I do do that. For the first fifteen years of my life I was 100% convinced that there were absolutely no possible negative side effects of one's parents getting divorced, and that's not true, but I just...didn't want to think about the impact it might have had on me. I diminish everything that happens to me, and I guess I can see why the therapist was reacting that way. But she isn't doing it as much anymore, since I said it made me uncomfortable.

I'm just really happy that I was actually able to discuss the problem. I'm going to continue working with her, since she listened to me and has been quite helpful in the last few sessions.

I Don't Want To Get Drafted - Frank Zappa

• 10:47 I'm all by myself at work all day today. Thursdays = freaking easy, because no one comes in. Yay! #
• 15:38 Whoa! The town fire siren just went off, and a cop sped by and then two fire trucks. Nothing really coming over the scanner @ home. #
• 15:40 Oh, and mom said that they're showing the house tomorrow and Monday. @aeiouna, Good luck! #

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"just remember...WWJD"
"...what would jesus do?"
"no 'what would uncle jesse do' come on full house is on and it's the one where stephanie lets kimmy pierce her ears!"



hi I love my friends. my apartment is warm. and clean. and full of the friends that I love.


and it's almost my birthday?

SO

not only was our AP Biology video from last year favourited by an unknown biology teacher out West, it was favourited by a guy who has a fetish for girls eating and swallowing objects.

So, Danielle Zumpano, some random freak gets off to you eating a cucumber slice.

ahahaha.

I do not know which is more gross - Poland for this sort of 'registry' system, or this form of protest You know these tampons are going to end up going into a mailing office full of people who had NOTHING to do with writing the legislation, and who do not want their offices to smell like rotting menses.  I think the IC/sanitation concern here outweighs the "let's stick it to the man! ... with tampons!" cleverness.

Day-to-day-to-day.  At work again.  I have a three day weekend starting at 3 PM.  It is like a secret golden treasure.  Mine, precious. Yes, precious.  AND they have someone coming in today to replace me at three, so I do not have to do the sixteen hour shift I was willing to do but did not want to, in my sleepiest of hearts.  The upside is that I took a nap on my lunch - crashed for a whole 30 minutes and drooled on my arm in the break room [very classily, I promise you], so now I am AWAKE AND ALERT, so I will hopefully not go home and sleep all afternoon.  Instead I will do! things! productively!

Tonight is the second new Grey's of the season.  wut wut.  I am also PERILOUSLY CLOSE to finishing s2 of Brothers & Sisters, whereupon I can begin watching the cached online eps from this season and then frothing rabidly at the mouth on Sunday nights because I will suddenly have two magical nights of teary catharsis per week.  Hooray! I think?

I am making such slow progress in Kavalier and Clay, it is pathetic.  Lacey returned Breaking Dawn last night, and I totally spent an hour re-reading important scenes and squeeing.  I would really like Meyer to suck it up and finish Midnight Sun and... possibly extend this saga forever, so that I never have to stop. >.>

I am presently Quite Hungry, possibly [no, surely] caused by having opted to sleep on lunch break rather than eat.  I have tomato bisque with me. Am considering heating it on a bair hugger and furtively sipping it between pts.

Last night I kept waking up with the sensation that there was someone else in the room with me.  Enough so that I turned on the lights a couple of times to look for wayward O'Haver-minis hovering around the foot of the bed [possibly in search of lego batman and/or soda - "please I have dis?"].  No sprogs, though.  Just a lot of interrupted sleep.  Eventually I had to get up again to let the cat in.  This could explain the tiredness. >.>

My back is so sore today, I could barely stand / walk.  I took 400 of Ibuprofen, which worked for about 3 hours, and then wore off.  I had thought of taking another 400, but am faced with the incessant growling of my tum and figure that if I'm going to take too many pain meds in the first place, I might as well not give myself an ulcer simultaneously.
Plus, I cannot actually be injured.  Mom is still in recovery, and Will slipped a disc at work day before yesterday.  let me tell you how much this has decreased the amount that I am responsible for at home.  I need a massage, stat!

We have a kiddo in the back 40 who has been crying and arching and posturing in pain for the last 36 hours. :( :(  He is on morphine and... fentanyl, I believe.  This has not stopped him.  Since the 40s are one long room, the three kids around him have heard him whimpering and moaning in pain the whole time.  It is a bad, bad day back there.

Oh god so hungry.  *eats hands*