October 5th, 2008

madisonleigh Current Music: into the west by annie lenox from the lord of the rings soundtrack Current Location: lost Subject: I'm just emotional right now Time: 02:31 pm

Something happened. Somewhere, at some time. I don't know when I lost part of myself, but it feels like I did. Maybe, I never had it. Maybe I've been this way forever, and lines between reality and pretend have blurred over the years. I can make lists. I can plan a budget. I can ignore calls and e-mails. But I feel like one day, I'm going to wake up and I'm going to be the same. Why do I push things off? Why can't I let go? If anyone has an answer, please let me know. I cried all day last Sunday. I cried when I got to my car, on the way home and that evening. I would take a job in Columbia in a heart beat. But I know that I can't. I know that what Clare and everyone else has said is right. I know that I need to move on. But I can't let go. And I miss them so much. That's why I can't call. I make excuses. I'm good at that. And I'm afraid. I'm scared because I don't know what I want to do. I have $4000 in debt. I don't always feel safe in my apartment. I'm never going to fall in love. My friends are all scattered in different places and phone calls never seem to be enough. I'm never going to be 30 pounds lighter. But I know that I could. I know that those things are possible. I don't know how and I can't get myself to be motivated to do any of them. I haven't written in I don't know how long. I miss it. It's an integral part of me that I lost touch with. I'm starting with simple stuff. Reading a book per two weeks. That's all I've got to. I just finished Mrs. Altman's card. I'll send it tomorrow. Maybe I'll do the scholarship letter Tuesday and send Jessica note about the binder. Get her off me. I did some halloween decorating. And tonight I am going to do some work at home. And make recipe cards for Dave and Phyllis. And make a list of outfits for the week. I just needed to write something to go along with the tears. I can't help crying to some songs. Maybe Clare was right. Time is what I need. Apparently, I hear, it heals all wounds. I remember. I was good all night. There were no tears, and I thought I might get through it. Then she went over to the corner hutch and took that red painted rooster off. She said something about carrying on a tradition. About how Carol had given it to her. And I couldn't kept it together. I'm bad at goodbyes. Really bad at them, in fact. I ignore some and blubber through the rest of them. I'm just emotional.

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