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Breaking News! [Apr. 23rd, 2009|04:16 pm]

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Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse: All The News That's Fit To Print, And Then Some.

Boojum runs loose on LiveJournal
By = Amanda Sukmi Cox

Pungenday, day 40 in the season of Discord, 3175 Year of Our Lady of Discord - In yet another case to get LiveJournal users' goat, it has been discovered today that a Boojum is running loose in the wires and servers of LiveJournal, using the wires to eat people from all around the world. A side effect of this heinous act is the disappearance of content from certain users' posts.

I asked Boojum expert, Mr. Bat Pennitar from the Evil Goatee Universe, why this was the case. After stroking his goatee with an evil grin on his face for several minutes, he finally said with a voice much like that of Carlos Montalban, "Because, you see, the Boojum is an animal that can live either in the real world or online. It needs a port of entry, a portal from one world to the other. This is similar to the creatures known as Internet Trolls, though those are really humans who have become infected by the bite of another Internet Troll. When the light of the computer monitor hit them, they turn into Internet Trolls. But I digress." He paused to stroke his goatee and grin wickedly for a few more minutes before continuing, "A Boojum is not human and has never been human. They are ferocious monsters from the Bottomless Pits of The Bible Belt, created in the darkness by something called 'schlin,' which is the oppisite of 'sin.' It is when people, usually highly religious, resist temptations of the flesh and other things they consider sins. Of course, 'sin' does not exist, but schlin most definetely does. It congeals in dark places like a white slime because it is a substance made from denial and repression."

He stopped to stroke his beard and grin wickedly again, then laughed maniacally before continuing. "Boojums used to be extremely common, but now their numbers have been dwindling, at least in the United States, Australia, Canada, and Europe, because of decreasing numbers of people living in fear of sin. But as their numbers diminish, they get scared and lash out. They have lately taken to getting online and trying to reverse the conditions which are threatening them, with the help of some groups of Internet Trolls called Fundies, and other means. In fact, I have seen them targeting individuals, even eating the content from their posts.

"Now as I said, Boojums eat people. But they can only eat people who emit schlin. Those who are not repressed and fearful of sinning are protected by this from direct attacks by Boojums. But indirect attacks, ranging from eating the content of their posts to posessing Internet Trolls, are aimed at trying to convert the target individual to a life of schlin. As long as these individuals continue to resist, they will be fine. A little annoyed, perhaps, but fine. Now, if you will pardon me, I just got a call from my pet midget, telling me that my plane is landing now." He cackled with glee and vanished in a puff of weasels.

I tried to speak with LiveJournal officials today about the Boojum in the wires, but they seemed reluctant to speak. My Russian is a tad rusty, but I believe they said something about not wanting me around while they're eating dinner. Well, something about "Don't come in while I'm masticating!" I guess they thought I was a telemarketer. Ah well.

So, it is not known how soon the Boojum will be flushed out, but Mr. Bat Pennitar *did* give me the business card for a very good Boojum removal service: "Boojum Jockey's: Let BJ Come For You!"

More updates as we have them.

~~~

Today's Breaking News is sponsored by Geiger brand radioactive soda pop! It's the other green liquid that will turn you into a mutant freak! Just $1.99! Buy today!
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