life sparks*

What’s up, chuck?

2005-12-25T19:29:07Z

Bad Joke.

I haven’t said anything in a more than year but I have returned to read during the Christmas break. I’ve been fully recovered for about six months now. I pledged a fraternity and that took up all my time for six weeks. It’s kind of hard to binge and purge when you only have ten minutes to yourself in a day and those are spent doing something you aren’t suppose to and watching your ass for actives. After that I thought about it but found other, less harmful vices.
But it wasn’t necessarily pledging that stopped my habit. I just focused my attention on something else, something that kept me busy. And having people just looking for something to nail your ass didn’t hurt. Just thought I’d share what helped me.
I can’t even remember the last time I vomited. I take that back, Thursday, at a Christmas party. But that’s because rum and baklava don’t mix too well.
I am now a healthy 160-170 with a good amount of muscle and a healthy pad of meat. I do have some slight colon troubles but I went to the doctor and he said it was nothing more than regular old dense poop and just take fiber as needed. Overall he said I was fine, I just needed to quit smoking… but that’s a whole different subject.
The only odd thing is that I never eat sweets. No cake, ice cream, or cookies. I do have some chocolate every now and then and I really like a good piece of baklava.

Anyhow, I didn’t post for pride nor am I fishing for wishes of congratulations. I just wanted to say If you keep at it, find something worthwhile, and people to trust and poke you in the ass with a stick when you fuck up then you can get through it. You will get through it.
Though you do slap your belly and think “I wish I could get rid of some of the pudge.” Just no more than any other person.
Merry christmas

[cros posted to everywhere}

_recovery @ 2005-12-16T01:25:00

2005-12-16T06:25:15Z

astute_emotions

Looking to find peace?

_recovery @ 2005-06-25T08:24:00

2005-06-25T12:35:56Z

Hi guys,

My name is Emily, and while I personally do not have an eating disorder, I know someone who does. But she's only someone I know over the internet from another blog site, and I really just met her a few months ago. So I feel totally helpless, because its not like she knows me well enough to really care or listen to anything I say, and I really don't want to do anything to alienate her too quickly.

She is both anorexic and bulemic, though she says that she loves Ana more than Mia. And she really LOVES her ED. She'll write about how Ana, Mia, and Ed are the only real friends she has, or needs. I can't help but get really scared sometimes, when she'll say things like how good it feels to be able to hear her heart beating through her arm, or how much she wants to get rid of ALL of her muscle as well fat, so that she is literally just skin and bones.

I have no clue what I can do to help, but I really feel like I've got to at least try to do something. I've also seen some of her friends that she knows from real life lurking around her blog, and they also seem worried about her and care about her. So maybe I could get in touch with them, and tell them what they can do to help, once I find that out myself?

Any comments, suggestions, or opinions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

will probably end up x-posted

Help me please

2005-05-24T15:45:22Z

Alright I am going striaght into the story. My girlfriend of 9 months sat me down last nite and told me she has bulimia. I knew before we started dating that she had it.. but wasnt practicing it... so it came to no suprise to me when she said she had it. The past few months she has been practicing it agian. Her reasoning for starting again, she was under to much stress. Ive had a girlfriend who was ana before so I know how to work with that and to tell you the truth she never really wanted me to help. This girlfriend (Lauren) does. She doesnt want to do it. I am glad she doesnt want to do it... we want to have kids one day... I dont want her messing anything up. I want her to be able to live as long as she can, for our children sakes. She claims that she doesnt want to tell her mom (Lauren is 17) because shes not an addicting person. She can over come this with my support. Thats her claiming. I on other hands dont know what to do.. My ex who was ana (Jess) was also a cutter. When we broke up I swore to myself if I got invovled with anyone else that had eating disorders and cutting problems I was going to tell someone. Someone who could get them serious help. My ex Kjo had a cutting problem and I told and got her help. It was possibly the best thing I ever did for her. Lauren threating me with breaking up with me if I told. I want whats best for her health. I love her. I want the best for her.. I dont know what to do.... What is you ideas on the subject?

_recovery @ 2005-02-18T10:55:00

2005-02-18T16:55:21Z

I went to my doctor this morning after not going for about a month. My doctor said I need an upper GI to see if I am still bleeding in my esophagas. On tuesday I puked again ugggggggg! I didn't want to, but I did ugggggg! But there was no blood on tuesday. That is a good sign. My doctor said that next time I bleed I need to go to the E.R. right away. She is worried that "something bad could happen"(death!?) I am trying to do better. Yesterday I stuck to my meal plan and ate a normal amount of food. It was good. Hopefully I can stick to it again today and not puke again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. But my doctor is going to call my mother and tell her about the bleeding and the upper GI appointment. I am nervous that my mother will be mad, but she needs to know. My doctor said that I could have bleed to death on Sunday. Ahhhhhhhhhh! =0 scary. Good thing my throat stoped bleeding. So if I puke again and there is blood again I will go to the E.R. right away. I am not fooling around with this anymore.

_recovery @ 2005-02-13T21:36:00

2005-02-14T03:45:22Z

Ok, so I am new here. Today my throat was bleeding again and I finally decided that I really want to get better. Now I am here. I want to leave my bulimia. I want to be free. A butterfly does not belong in a net! But I am terrified. And I need support. Can ya'll help me?
My name is Sarah. I am of cherokee and irish decent. I am 21 yrs old, 5'3, and have short brown hair and greyish eyes. I am a junior in college. I live in st. paul, mn but I am a californian at heart (I was born there).
If you will let me join your community I would be much obliged. Thank you.

Hi

2004-08-14T01:23:43Z

My close friend is anorexic. I can barely stand to look at her anymore, maybe even talk to her. I've known about it for a while, and I've been doing my best to help her without having to get her a shrink because:
a)she doesn't have the kind of money to see a shrink
b)she won't see a shrink, even if I shoved her in the dang office.
c) If i called a shrink she would've stopped trusting me and she didn't trust many other people, and if I ruined her trust in me then all of her future problems will go unnoticed.

now she's saying she wants to die. she doesn't care that she's destroying herself and taking me down with her. If she gets hurt, it's all my fault. And now her PARENTS know but theyre trying the whole 'we wont help you, you have to help yourself' thing. SHE WONT HELP HERSELF! SHE WANTS TO BE ANOREXIC, SHE WANTS TO DRINK, SHE WANTS TO SMOKE AND SHE WANTS TO DIE! And I can't fix it. I can't fix it. And it's all my fault. She's dieing, and I'm the one who killed her.

hi

2004-07-13T07:46:10Z

so heres the jist of it all.

Im 18, male and college bound in less than two months.
I went to a magnet school, was on the principals list under Cum Laude, tool several AP classes. i also graduated with honors. I was active in Forensics, journalism, and student government. I swam on the swim team and ran in track. I spend my time writing articles for my church's Haiti mission and writing rant for my personal fulfillment. Im a pretty smart and active kid.

I am also fucking nuts.

I have bulimia. one of the few males (in comparison to females) who have this nerve wracking and hellishly frustrating disorder. I have had two "run in with this thing.
one started in October of 2002 when the holidays started getting into full swing and Halloween was on its way. It was eating season.
with 3 major holidays on its way and almost the entire month of December being one gigantic gorge fest with countless Christmas parties to go to i struggled with the idea of gaining weight

but lets go back further.

I was a fat child
in 8th grade i weighed 200 pounds even. i was 5 feet 6 inches. i played no sports.
i was a fat child
along the way to sophomore year i lost about 20 pounds. didn't do anything it just happened. but i was still overweight and it was pretty fucking obvious. so i decided to loose weight. i thought it would get me chicks or some stupid bullshit. (although, ironically, it did)
anyhow i lost somewhere along 40 to 50 pounds in one summer. needless to say, i did it the wrong way. i wasn't a full blown anorexic, mind you, hell i was pretty ignorant on the whole thing, but i would only eat one small meal a day, or even one small meal every two days. i would get on my friend the tread mill and run/walk/jog for the length of a movie or two, almost everyday.

in 3 months time i was 40 something pounds lighter. i went back to school a remade man. friends didn't recognize me, teachers as well. and i looked good. i was fucking ecstatic.

but even after i had lost the pounds i wanted i continued my dieting like tendencies. i counted calories in my head (absurd things too, like a stick of gum), id eat only one meal a day, i ran like a fucking Zulu warrior.
i soon became tired of that. i was fucking hungry, and the holidays fed me. Halloween. candy, thanksgiving... well shit, a feast, Christmas, several fucking feasts. i had worked hard on this body, still was. i was on the swim team, i could run 3 miles without stopping, i had abs you couldn't fucking believe. a gal could do laundry on those fuckers. i had those and didn't want to loose em.

but i liked food as well. what the fuck could i do?
"i know" the brain said "we eat it, but don't digest it" and i fucking believed it
but i didn't care to vomit, to much time and work.
so i shat
i don't remember the first time i bought laxatives, the when. i know it was in decemeber but not the exact day. but i know i bought allot. cheap too: two dollars for 24 at dollar store. i think i bought something like 4 packs. an ungodly amount but was i thinking about that? yeah fucking right.
I started light. i think that first night i started with one or two pills. i had it right before dinner, i shat my brains out that night. and i knew that a good majority of all the "fat" i ate was gone with that flush.
it wasn't that bad either. i woke up at two, felt it was time, walked up to the bathroom and squatted. it was pretty much a one time shit with that and then i went to bed until the next morning.
thats how that part of it started.

it got worse, progressively. it got allot worse fast. in a matter of 2 or three months i was going through about a pack a day (thats 24 fucking pills) i would end up running to the bathroom . not just at home too, this was at fucking school.
i also made a few messes. but at the time i thought of them as "occupational hazards" so to speak.

anyhow, it got uncontrollable that part is clear.
then my parents found out.
FFFFUUUUNNNNN!!!

so yeah shit hit the fan, in a manner of speaking. they were pretty harsh about the whole thing (understatement). i was perpetually grounded, perpetually searched, and perpetually hounded.
their main thing was that they wanted fixed, cold turkey. but at this point that wasn't an option. but lying and sneaking around was. (also note: they weren't to big for therapy. something about it being on my permanent record and it being hard for me to get insurance later)
so it continued on for another month

and then it stopped. probably cause i fell in love. this was last may.
but then we broke up. this was January.
i don't say it all started because of her. it probably never really stopped. she was just a diversion. anyhow about a month later this whole thing started again.

and the dance continues.
but i didn't do laxatives this time. naw, that proved too spontaneous. so i came a conventional bulimic. kinda. didn't like to use the fingers, hard to do. found q tips work great. funny what you learn.
at first it was just purge. a bit of lunch, some of dinner. that kinda thing.

then i got hungry. so i binged. then purged. somehow along the way i found that ice cream is great,. it tastes great, it goes down easy and comes up just as simply. plus you can add things. cookies, cereal, candy, a whole plethora of tasty shit. and plus, now after a while i could even bring it up without sticking something in my mouth and massaging the back of my throat. a few contractions of the diaphragm and it all came out like well.. melted ice cream.
it became about the urge now. it wasn't the weight so much as eating. the proverbial ID, so to speak. about fulfilling those needs and fulfilling em quickly.
this became a daily routine.
its always about excess with me.

my parents quickly saw the signs, well not real quick. and they still don't know the magnitude of this thing.
so now i am in therapy. i got once every two weeks and we talk. i should probably change because he's not helping much. its still pretty consistent and i never really feel comfortable enough to tell him the full lowdown.
so theres that.

like i said its still pretty consistent

im trying though, and i have that desire. i also decided to look around and join shit like this, maybe it will do something.

also note: this is a journal set up specifically for communities like this. just felt comfortable like that. maybe ill give out my aim or set up a new one to match this screen name. maybe.

see you guys around

_recovery @ 2004-06-28T22:59:00

2004-06-29T03:04:47Z

the other day, I found one of the saddest things I've ever read.

I have this book, full of stuff from elementary school. in second grade, my teacher had us fill out these little blank jigsaw puzzles with questions and answers about ourselves. one of them:

"describe yourself and how you look."

I wrote:

"nice, medium-sized, ugly."

I was fucking eight years old. and a damn cute kid. why do I only know this fourteen years and an eating disorder later?

(minorly cross-posted)

I did it

2004-06-09T21:28:15Z

I sent my mom the
I've been wanting to ask for awhile, but I haven't been able to do it. Someone suggested writting a letter, and so I'm trying this.

In October, after I saw the therapist that Pac Med wanted me to see and I said that I wanted to see a Christian therapist, you said I could start seeing one after I got my licence. Well, I've gotten my licence and I would like to.

While my eating has gotten a bit better, I still feel like I'm losing grip. I think talking to someone might be helpful, both for eating stuff and for just general life stuff. Its been less and less that I've been having days where I am happy all day. And I don't like that.

Mollie, the therapist that I had an appointment with, is pregnant, so maybe we should look into a therapist from Christa (or whatever that one advertisized on KCMS is). Or Nicole said that she knew of some others on the Eastside that she could recommend. I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling like something inside of me is dying.

I don't know why I was so scared to send it. Mama was really nice about it and understanding.
I'm sorry you felt you couldn't talk to me about this. I hadn't forgotten I'd told you you could go after you got your license. When you didn't mention it, I thought you'd moved to a place where you didn't feel the need.
Of course you can see someone! Do you want me to investigate or do you want to do that?
Hugs

Hello, everyone, I'm new.

2004-06-03T11:55:14Z

Hello, everyone.

I'm really embarrassed... I have had four eating disorders in the past year alone... I've had anorexia, I've binged+purged, I've compulsively overexercised, and I've had compulsive eating. I would sometimes eat the whole day one day, then starve for days afterwards to "make up for it". Then it would start again. Other times I just didn't eat, period, and went for long periods of time without eating and eventually be so hungry I'd result in bulimic behavior. Overall, anorexia was closest and most devastating to me though and most affecting me. The desire to not eat - at all - to feel "strong" from it, was overbearing.

I really want to recover now. It has taken me a long time to let go of these behaviors. I worried I would miss them, that I would miss being able to eat a lot on "special days", but I hated starving. I hate it so much, it hurts and it took so much willpower, and I couldn't think or act, I was so tired.

I had at BMI of 16.8 and I had lost 40% of my body (I used to be about 25 pounds overweight before I fell into an eating disorder, though I never really looked "fat", I just looked chubby, but everyone always pointed it out to me that I was chubby and my family kept telling me to lose weight, and hence my body image was skewed). At that point, my parents threatened to hospitalize me and have me fed through a tube, and I was more terrified of that than anything. If I HAD to eat I might as well do it on my own and control what I eat, and enjoy it.

Since then I had started therapy once a week, then once every two weeks, at a clinic, wherein they monitor me and make sure I am doing alright. I have gained enough weight so that I am at the minimum of my height, but I am still at a very low weight. I am struggling to let go of the number and be able to let my body find where it is happiest at.

Sadly, I am having a very hard time. I am scared of letting go of some behaviors, and I fear I might miss them. I tell myself that when I start eating normally, my body will find the weight it needs to be at and I won't feel the need to binge, or purge for that matter, becuse my body would be getting what it needs and feel sufficient at it.

Yesterday I made a goal to never, EVER binge again. I know that this is a difficult one to make, but this is the first step. It was what triggered me most for the past three months - I would lose control for a day, eat a lot, and then "starve it off" for days, doing anything, from restricting to purging, to accomplish it. I know that the binging was the largest trigger and it caused a Domino effect. It is also the eating disorder symptom I will miss most.

Because of all the strong, beautiful people in this LJ community and because of myself (I really want to learn to love myself again and to not be ashamed!) I will keep to this goal. I have devised a diary wherein I will write about my feelings and why I feel like binging, and why I shouldn't, every single time I feel triggered. There are two pages already, and it has only been a day. This will be a very long, difficult road.

The first thing I need to do is the hardest, and that is to stop the behavior. I will have to simply learn to accept myself. I am trying my hardest. I am tired of half-hearted attempts, and then making excuses when it doesn't work out.

This is one of the biggest decisions in my life. I don't want to die from an eating disorder. I want to live and get better...

What do I fear most? People. I fear what they will say. I fear their comments. I fear having everyone see my body change all of a sudden (They had already seen it get very, very small; but now that it will get bigger, society tends to be meaner about that)... I am worried. I hate people and their comments. I hate their unacceptance. What I wish from the world is acceptance. Yet I am a hypocrite because I cannot accept myself. So, in the end I fear not being accepted as NOT a skinny little thing anymore, but as the person I am, in whatever body I will end up with.

I do know that in a year more, I will be out of high school and in college and all these people in my surrounding - bah! I will never see them again. Someone will find me and love me for who I am, and not care about my body. They can say what they want now, but my surroundings will change and I will never see them again. My next surrounding I will HOPEFULLY go in totally recovered and in my natural body, and that is how people will learn to love and accept me. And I have years to go - and a lot of living to do - to worry about looking what I believe is attractive now, and worrying about acceptance from a handful of peers that won't be here for me a year or two from now.

I need a lot of strength to do this. I hope to learn to love myself and gain acceptance through this process. For now, I need to let go of all the lies anorexia fed me in and learn to feed my body with food, what I REALLY need, and not more pompous hot air from a slow and silent poison.

I will post here and talk about recovery progress as it happens =) I support all of you here for trying to recover and I really respect that, much love to everyone here.

Newbie

2004-04-28T03:27:47Z

Hi I'm new here, My name is Amanda, I'm here more to support others and to help others who want it/need it...I believe we can all find the light at the end of the tunnel...sometimes we just have to remember where to look. I have many of the same issues as you guys myself, so I know how some of you may be feeling, and hopefully i can come here when I need help myself, but i'm here for everybody- Anytime!! If you need more help you can visit my new community:

http://www.livejournal.com/community/yoursafeplace/

new strategy?

2004-04-09T21:57:00Z

for bulimics who are on some sort of medication:

I know that I tend to vomit after dinner, and sometimes after lunch, and much much more rarely in mornings or late at night. I'm on two different kinds of medication, each of which I need to take once a day. therefore, I've decided to start pilling myself at times I'm more likely to purge -- I'm hoping that the knowledge that I have to have to have to keep the medication inside me will make me less likely to throw up.

we'll see if this works.

also, I've found lately that I just don't feel things. I do a little, throughout the day, but it only scratches the surface, doesn't reallly penetrate. I think when I'm like this, I'm more prone to letting the bulimia come out. does anyone have any tips for saving myself?

_recovery @ 2004-04-04T21:24:00

2004-04-05T01:26:53Z

I was reading one of the entries of someone on my friend's list, and suddenly responded with one long fucking comment. I read it over and wanted to share it with you guys, I'm not too sure why, but I'll go with the impulse..

(This is long and random, sorry to impose.)

In response to the e-mail from your doctor, Sometimes telling yourself what you think you need is better than telling yourself you have no idea what you need. And sometimes pretending it's okay, really makes it better.

We have ridden the same roller-coaster, but of course they've both had different landings and beginnings and landings again. I cannot express that your experiences make me feel my very own experiences so similarly. I always had that feeling that no one is like me - and of course, no two people are the same. But I really truly thought for so long that maybe I didn't really have an eating disorder - maybe I am one-of-a-kind, maybe I just happen to fit the criteria for these diagnosises. I am in a better place now, with many gliches but many happy things to keep me going. At first, recovery was like being jaded. I suppose I am still in that stage - feeling like things are just happening but I'm not really feeling them because I either don't care enough or care way, way too much. But it gets better every day. And I question whether or not I'm just telling myself that.

But sitting here at this keyboard and not typing with food half in my hand, half in my mouth - this must be some level of better. What else could anyone call it, do I know better than anyone else if I've never felt it before?

You know that treatment is repetitive, the same things again and again. And some are great. Like the arts and crafts, I've surely carried that over into my presently hospital-less life. There comes a point where the only thing treatment helps you with is 'stopping the cycle' (oh god, how many times can a bulimic hear those words!?!?.. stopping the cycle.. shut the fuck up!) but cliche things often hold more truth than radical things. And then there is the common ground they hold, the better place.

It's like, sometimes we find a feeling that we've never felt before - and subconciously identify it as something we have felt before.

I'm starting to ramble, so I'm going to stop. I hope by now you see what I'm trying to communicare. In simple terms, just that I could've really benefited from you at treatment with me, ha. I don't know, I just want to pull you away from it, it just all holds such tremendous hurt. And I don't even know you like your friends know you - but we know each other like no one else knows us. Yea, "we" like a fucking clan. It reminds me of the pro-ana days. But we are on some kind of understanding, and I just wanted you to know something that I can't really put into words. It's just one of those unidentifiable feelings, and I hope you see whatever the fuck I'm trying to say.

hey!

2004-03-25T07:43:06Z

My name is Jade and I am trying to recover from overeating, binge eatting, purging, starvation... I did it all, and I don't want to anymore. Yesterday was the day I took action and actually got rid of a lot of that "thinspiration" I keep around and stuff. I'm trying to eat like I know I should, but its really hard. I just really want to recover and just be 'normal'.
I don't really know what to say, I just wanted to say hi. I really am happy I found this community. Feel free to befriend me, I'd like that.
email- BrandNewColony@Canada.com
MSN- LovinEachDay@grlmail.com
AIM- TheStrokesLN
thanks.

_recovery @ 2004-03-15T23:17:00

2004-03-16T04:17:53Z

Majority-wise, I know you're all crazy into music.
play list..?

After everyone posts I'll organize the list

Just those. I don't know. Good songs.. =)

(songs that've been on your mind lately? {always?})

x-posted to anti_ana

_recovery @ 2004-02-19T14:02:00

2004-02-19T19:09:54Z

I remember reaching 'plateus' when I was sick, staying at the same weight for a long time and how it would frustrate me.

Well, of course that is no longer an option - seeing as I don't weigh myself anymore. I took down the mirrors in my room, and felt my pants get tighter, and cried about it, but now I feel what it's like for a healthy body to walk upon healthy legs. Or, at least healthier than before..

This morning I drank two cups of hot chocolate because I didn't have a way of getting food. It counted as four breads (I have ten a day for a 2,000 calorie diet) so, because there were so many breads, I decided to go for a chicken ceaser salad (5 meats, 2 fats, 2 vegetables) for lunch and a bannana with it. (1 fruit).

So far I feel good today. I've got two more meats to go, six breads, a fat, some milk, and two vitamin waters to fill up the rest of my fruit nutrient exchangees. (One vitamin water is three fruits.)

Now I'm concentrating on not b/p'ing. I have a psyc. appointment today, and then I'll probably grab my next meal with Mom. Then, back to the boyfriend's.

::crosses fingers::
1:00pm, so far, so good.

_recovery @ 2004-02-19T00:05:00

2004-02-19T05:08:08Z

I was thinking of a good coping mechanism for bulimics, for being consistant in their lack of bingeing and purging. How about we (if we can afford) get whitening gel and whatnot- im sure our faces would look much healthier with whiter teeth! of course you're beautiful alreasdy, I just thought it would be a nice thing to see something nice about our pohysical appearances - try stop b/p'ing and start doing things thta won't work unless we quit! (gradually, of course, every baby step counts)

anyone in?

<3

x-posted

2004-02-08T17:30:32Z

Last night at a dance club, two of my friends were discussing what weights they would like to get down to, so I whispered to my other friend, Kate, that "I hate it when people talk about wanting to lose weight." I decided to clarify myself this morning, so I wrote her this e-mail:

It's not triggering, actually it might be inspiring. I cut it because of length.

Kate,

Hi! I just wanted to explain what I said last night about not liking to hear people talk about wanting to lose weight.

I have no problem talking with people who just want to change their lifestyle if they are sedentary or don't eat very healthy foods. If the desire to lose weight is coming from a desire to be more healthy or active, that's a good reason, too.

What I don't like is people talking about numbers as though they would bring happiness. "If I could only weigh x," or "If I could only wear a size x." (this is different from needing to lose a couple of pounds to fit into one's clothes). The reason I feel this way is that I have been there and done that. When you get to the weight you first wanted, you try to lose to more, because you still aren't "happy."

Reason? Weight was never the problem in the first place. I have weighed x+ lbs and x- lbs and every number in between. Also, if the desire to lose weight is not motivated by health concerns, then a person is liable to do unhealthy things to lose the weight (i.e. Atkins or other extreme diets, starving, purging, excessive exercise, diet pills, laxative abuse, etc). This makes it hard to keep that weight off if you try to stop dieting after reaching the desired number. If you don't stop, as I didn't, you eventually reach The End.

I am more into loving yourself whatever shape your body is in, countering sizeism. I always try to surround myself with people who feel good about their bodies, or else that's what I encourage people to feel. That's why last night I think I complimented every woman in our group, and the only woman I commented on was one I thought looked nice. I think women are beautiful because of what's inside them, so all my friends are always the best looking women in the building. I want them to know that, and it hurts me to hear them criticizing themselves, you see.

Now I need to start doing some reading.

Happy Sunday!

Cindy

_recovery @ 2004-02-05T14:38:00

2004-02-05T19:46:20Z

It's amazing how things turn out. It's amazing.

What I could never have imagined was becoming something more than what was expected. Fill up the days with something else? something real? Something you can really live off of?

True. I have my setbacks. I have a hell of a lot of setbacks, too. Multiple times a day, usually.. skipping meals, replacing days on end with chewy candies, bingeing and purging until my eyes turn blood shot, cheeks blow up and edema swells my limbs. I have my days, I have my weeks, I have my months. Keyword: I.

There comes a time in one's recovery when you know how it's going to have to be. Some people need to quit cold turkey - just do what they have to do and deal with the reprecussions. However many times you fall, either get back up and find your area of peace and contentness - or fall, and die and die and die until one morning you don't wake up.

And everything you could have had - all the moments you felt real and alive and vibrant - all gone, lost in fields of hopelessness. Just because it was easier to die.

For me - I think I'm at the point where I can be realistic and say I know I can't quit cold-turkey, and then again I know I can't say I'm going to make the right choices and not actually do so. I just know that there's going to be a day to set the days to come, a week to set me back, another week doing shitty and then a really good one to come.

As long as we've got a substantial life to place in between the hours of hell, facing demons right in the eye is as realistic as the beauty in your souls..

_recovery @ 2004-02-01T16:24:00

2004-02-01T21:24:41Z

I choose to recover from compulsive overeating and binge eating. :)

I recovered a week ago. :)

_recovery @ 2004-01-31T20:30:00

2004-02-01T01:43:28Z

I haven't had a good week. My parents started locking up the food again to keep me from bingeing on it and wasting money they don't have. Although it's very easy to see their side of it - that's not the way the teams and teams of doctors have told them to go about it. But, nevertheless they make the same mistakes over again - leaving me to believe I am completely alone as far as family support goes. But you're only sixteen, you can't do it on your own! Oh yeah? I am a sixteen year old upper middle class american, so don't tell me I lack necessities. I can and will do this on my own. Not because I want to, but because I have no choice.

Anyway, I've gotten back on track today. For brunch I had salad with chickpeas and mixed veggies with italian dressing and eggs scattered atop the greens (poetic!) about 2 cups of juice, a bowl of cereal with bannanas. I counted it for breakfast and lunch combined, which counted as three breads, two vegetables, five fruits, two meats, two fats.

I waited too long to have dinner, and drank way too much chai tea. (skim--counted as two breads or so.) and then got home and had a delicious sandwich with a grilled veggie patty and egg beaters on wheat bread, counting as two breads, three meats, and one veg. (for the lettuce) and also, one fat. also, a pear.. a very good one! (1 fruit)

I did all right today, and I must say I'm proud of myself for getting back on track. I know I still have the night to face, which is usually my hardest- but if plans go accordingly I'll be sleeping over my boyfriends after we hang out with our lovely friends.

I hope everyone is well, and hopefully this community will liven up a bit! I spread the word on a bunch of pro-ana communities to try to enforce the fact that there's so much recovery support on the internet that we can help them find. It was difficult to read the few things I did from those sites. I was in the pro-ana mind warp for quite some time, so I won't be a hypocrite and say I blame them. The whole thing just needs to stop. I feel so helpless and small.

For my AP composition class I am going to base my fifteen page critical review on this topic:
Pro-Eating Disorder web sites influence the severity of one's eating disorder and trigger the start of diagnosable eating disorders.

The statement needs a bit of work. Once I get further ahead I'll let you all know how it's going! I hope to do something with the final result of it, send it somewhere where it'll make a difference.

Most people will never change the world - but they can sure as hell make a difference in it.

Be sure to check out our sister community, anti_ana

Have a great day guys!

Stop Pro-Ana. Please.

2004-01-29T15:50:50Z

Hi. Just joined up, and I thought I'd introduce myself. I maintain the stop_pro_ana community here at LJ, and am trying to get some affiliations going with other communities that are anti-pro-ana.

I believe strongly that pro-ana does nothing but harm, and that sufferers need help towards a normal life, rather than help to further the disease. Come along and check out the LJ community, which is still new, and the site at http://stop-pro-ana.com - I'm always looking for contributors, either through writing articles for the site, or just to debate on the forum. You're all more than welcome.

_recovery @ 2004-01-29T10:05:00

2004-01-29T15:06:17Z

What would you tell someone if they asked you why you want to recover?

because butterflies don't belong in nets