Nowhere To Turn

Into the darkness...

Tue, 15 May 2007 17:55:06 GMT

My friend Ann is in a coma. I have never had a friend who was in a coma before....I feel so powerless, she lives in Seattle and I'm in WI. I can't afford to go and see her, I want to so badly.

Her family is there with her though, and that's good. She has lots of support right now. I just wish I was there for her.

She can hear you guys...talk to her for me, please tell her I'm right there with her in spirit. Please let her hear you. If there is a god, right now would be the time to know. I wish I knew.

She's one of the good ones, please don't take her now. The world needs her more than ever.

Don't go anywhere Anne, we haven't gone on our trip to Ibiza yet...I can't stop thinking of you.

May you come with your own knives..

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 19:53:55 GMT

You'll never take me alive.

With all the voice of what is true, is there nothing I can do..

Where the willows weep and the whirlpools sleep,
you'll find me...

may someone find me and stay, until I can walk again..
stay until I can see forward, until I can see my soul healing
stay until I can hear myself breathing...
stay so I know you're not leaving

May someone, or something...grant me the strength to fight my nightmare, and watch it ride away..without me...

The water is five feet deep, the mirror beneath and around the well walls reflect the sunlight coming in through the top of the tall, tubular structure. He lowers her into the water slowly, lying with eyes closed and comatose she does'nt realize this. She is lowered until competely submerged..sunlight from above bounces light off of her soaked white gown under the crystal clear water, her long black hair floating around her...she sinks to the bottom of the mirrored well. He disappears..

AND THIS IS HOW IT FEELS..

Thu, 25 May 2006 09:03:37 GMT

And so it is that now I've learned,
it's possible to laugh with a lump
in your throat and tears can be hidden,
if you really try and the roles
we people play would earn more Academy
Awards than the screen ever knew.

I’m the girl with heartache, the on they call CRAZY! People who never get to know me cause they think I have a disease and I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep! I'm that kid on every playground who's always chosen last! I'm a single teenage girl trying to overcome her past! You don't have to be my friend but is is too much to ask: "Don't sit there and judge me from some high and mighty state. Don'r shrug it off until you've walked a mile in my bare feet Cause there are people that you pass by everyday with harder cards than yours in life to play." I am the girl on the corner; you pass me on the street. I wouldn't be out here crying if I had someone to hold me and Don't think I don't notice that our eyes never meet! I lost 2 of my friends when someone crossed that yellow line! The day we layed them in the ground was the day I lost my mind! I understand many things about the world that others could not possibly imagine. I see things for what they are! One Day I hope I can find a place where I belong!

Should I hesitate as I speak
Please don’t think me preoccupied
For words don’t come easily
When one really cares
And too often I evaluate each word
Trying to be anyone
~ but myself

And the fear of rejection
Brings confusion
The confusion brings silence
And my heart prays
That you might hear my silence
~ and understand

If I were to take stock
Of all my worldly treasures
The memories I have
Of the few hours spent with you
Would be my most cherished possessions

If I stand alone
It does not mean
I am any less a Human
If my arms do not hold another
It does not mean
They are incapable of holding
If my tongue is silent
And never speaks the words of love
It does not mean
That it will be mute
When the time comes
That the words can sincerely be spoken

And just because the World
Has not yet introduced
The one that will share my Life
It certainly does not mean
That I am incapable
Of Loving

Sometimes we have something
Without truly knowing
What we have

Sometimes we hold something
Without knowing completely
What we hold

Sometimes we are given something
Without fully appreciating
What we are given

But that knowledge usually comes
When we realize
What we have lost

You might have loved me
If you had known me
If you had ever known my mind
If you would have walked
Through my Dreams and Memories
Who knows what Treasures
You might have found
Yes, you might have loved me
If you had known me
If you had only
Taken the time!

It hurts
To see you walk away
For admit it or not
You were an important part of my Life
And the time we shared
Will forever be a part of me
So even though I realize
That it was never meant to be
Still
It hurts

So often we reach out
And offer that which we have to give
To someone who has no need
Or does not recognize the value of our gift
Thus our gift goes un-received
Through no fault of our own
And this rejection causes pain

But the real tragedy occurs
When someone comes along
Who has a need for
And recognizes the value
Of what we have to give
But because the memory of rejection
Is still fresh on our mind
We are no longer
Reaching out

If you should try
To understand me
Through the eyes
Of your experiences
Your only understanding
Will be misunderstanding

For we have walked different paths
And have known different fears
And that which brings you laughter
Just might bring me tears

So if you can learn
To accept me
And the strange things
I say and do

Maybe through your acceptance
You will gain understanding

help please!!

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:21:10 GMT

(my boyfriend is writing this...)

I'm trying to figure out what kind of chemical imbalance I have. When I was young, I was the short weird kid and got picked on a loooooot. A whole lot. Especially grades 1-6 when I was in a Catholic school and literally had not one friend. I had a mini-breakdown early last year (age 22) and was put on prozac for about 9 months to fight anxiety and depression. I've since gone off it (no insurance, plus side effect) and don't have symptoms as bad. When I was on prozac, I gained perspective and clarity in emotions and reactions. Since I've been off it, I get a bit frantic now and then. I'm moderately hypoglycemic for starters---when I get hungry, I become a very irrational and irritable person and can't control my reactions to something that bothers me. When I'm not hungry, I still have fits of...something...every now and then. Anxiety is always present because I'm stressed out to the limits because of money problems (too much credit card debt, student loans, low-paying job, high rent, car maintenance). Every now and then, if something is said that I really shouldn't take personally or overreact to, it feels like I'm being made fun of and I get a bit frantic. I don't really have too much in the way of actual everything-is-awful, no hope in sight depression symptoms, but it does come around once in a blue moon. I can't afford health insurance (or really, anything) right now but know that at some point in time a trip a psychiatrist is necessary. Everything that was wrong with how I was became startlingly clear as being unnecessary when I was on prozac and I know I don't have to put up with being this way, but I want to know exactly what the cause (diagnosis) is. Thanks.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 19:22:01 GMT

Hi everyone. I am new to this community, so I guess I will tell a little about myself.

I am 23 years old & live in Michigan. I have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety, and I have minor OCD. I do cut my wrists, but am really trying to stop because I have a family vacation coming up where I will be required to wear a bathing suit, and I really don't want my family to find out.

I joined this community because of the name, I really feel like I have nowhere to turn sometimes... I feel like my friends are getting sick of my depression.

So, I guess that is it for now.

Overwhelming and stress and depressed.

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 00:59:53 GMT

Last night i was crying a lot because i was feeling really depressed when i close my eyes, all i see is my therapist who I love so much. I was really overwhelming and sad because of stress with school and dealing with my depression. I felt frustrated. Sigh.

Intro

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 23:02:20 GMT

I guess I forgot to do an intro myself...and since we have three people with the name Charley (in one spelling or another) I figured I would. Which by the way I would like to state that Ive only met one person with the same name, and it was a little girl the other day. I did meet a girl at work who goes by Charley....and heres the weird part, my maiden name is Thomas...and so is her last name...so the other day at work someone walked up to me and asked for Charley Thomas....and I about died trying to figure out how someone knew that name when I hadnt gone by in in over 4 years! Okay enough rambling....

Name: Charley
Age: 21 years old (be 22 in june but it doesnt matter)
Location: I live in Georgia, the united states, lived all over. Ive decided I dont prefer the south anymore
Place of employment: toys r us

general:

I have two children, a little girl who turned 3 on the 18th of January (last week) her name is Bryanna. She goes by Anna. And I have a son, Zackary, we call him Zacky Wacky, who was born on Dec 27th, 2005. I was married for 3 1/2 years to their father but hes a pedafile. So no he doesnt have any contact with them, and in fact he thinks I had a miscarriage with Zach so he doesnt even know he exsists. So I currently live with my mother, until I can figure something out. Oh and Im currently rebattling my anorexia to lose the baby weight. But remembering Im breast feeding is helping with that and God knows I cant forget that. Oh and I am pagan although I had my daughter christianed Catholic and will probably do the same to Zach. Its a family tradition.

New Meds

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 22:47:22 GMT

I had a baby almost a month ago (it will be a month on the 27th) and I have been breastfeeding the baby, but Ive been having problems producing breast milk so my doctor put me on a new medication that is supposed to help with that. Its called Reglan. But unfortunatly its got side effects, and one of those side effects, present in every patient that takes it, according to my doctor, is SEVERE depression. I think its because its a downer but Im not sure.
Its the only one offered in the US. I did have the option of getting one through canada that stops dopamine production (dopamine is part of chemical depression) which after a little more research, reglan does too and then one that stops skitzophrenia.

I was also reading up on production problems and it CAN be caused by high levels of dopamine (which from what I understand is the cause of my mania)

It sucks, I finally get out of the depressive slum after having him and stuff and now Im starting a medication that will make me severly depressed...the good news is, like all downers and anti depresents it will take 2 weeks for that to take effect. But hey at least my son will be getting the best for him.

Hello!

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 22:39:59 GMT

My name is Stephanie. I have been suffering from depression since i was 15. I was a former cutter. I am in therapy and I am in love with my therapist-Her name is Alice. I can't stop thinking about her. I miss her and I am depressed when i miss her. I don't know what to do. She is married and she knew how i feel. I just can't stop thinking about her. I stay up at night and thinking about her.

Ummmmmmmm ...... hi

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 18:21:03 GMT

I'm a member of this community, but I never actually posted, so I figured I'd post and say hi...
sooo.... hi.... um I dunno what else to put.... my names charlie *points weakly to username*
as that says...... and, considering I'm a member of this community, you've gotta guess I got problems...

right. I'm done attempting to post for now. so hi
-Charlie

INTRO

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 02:33:28 GMT

Name: Chelle
Age: 17, will be 18 on 1/27
Interests: painting, reading, watching tv (CSI, Law and Order, etc), writing (poems, essays, fantasy), I love to talk about everything, I love to debate and have intellectual conversations.
Emotional Problems: yes, see a therapist and am on meds BLAH!

I would like to have people to talk to, I am a great listener and just feel like having a place to be that has others who understand what its like the think that life sux sometimes.

So HELLO!

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 18:05:03 GMT

Make the DoughBoy Dance

x-posted

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 17:25:31 GMT

i never did intro here, so here goes.

- charli
- 26
- queer
- femme
- betrothed
- from texas
- living in alaska
- mentally ill .. seriously
- uhh.. that's all for now

any questions, just ask.

do you.......

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 02:35:40 GMT

Inspired by Noisy and the other people in my life that dont want anyone to know..........do you guys feel ashamed about your depression? I think I feel ashamed about the fact that I spent 3 months in the mental hospital one summer during highschool, but I think its because Im afraid people will stop talking to me because Im "crazy" if they find out.

So why do you not want to tell people about depression, etc?

Here goes..

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:19:20 GMT

I'd write my name here, but in fear of anyone finding out who I really am I guess I cannot do that. So, you can call me Noisy Reality :P I am here as the community name suggests, because I have nowhere else to turn. I have recently come to terms with my depression but I cannot let go. I hope to meet honest people that I can trust, that may be able to help me and In turn I shall lend them an ear or whatever else they need. I have many issues I feel I need to overcome, you can read the somewhat pathetic roots of my depression in my journal.

Thanks for listening.

Amazing - Aerosmith

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 21:57:14 GMT

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave, but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
Would die
chorus
It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk
I was out on the street
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay
Alive

Last Night

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 15:32:38 GMT

So last night, after Bryanna went to bed, I fixed myself a nice cup of camomile tea, and after that had relaxed me, I actually worked on meditating and Im happy to say last night was the first night I didnt have any rape dreams. I tried writing while Bry was fingerpainting to get rid of the thoughts and it didnt work, so instead of writing, weve both been fingerpainting.......mine are angry looking and hers are innocent...but for the most part ive been able to keep my mind off of things. Bryanna must be sensing somethings wrong with mommy cause she hasnt given me 5 minutes to myself. :)

"and I don't love you anymore....it never was"

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 00:32:37 GMT

I miss you now
As I lie here unasleep
As I stare up at this ceiling
remembering things that go too deep,
I miss the days of those dreams,
of the memories I keep.

I miss the things you used to say,
and the times I watched you sleep
it isn't all these old dreams
catching up with me,
it's all the new ones
that I have just begun to see.

It isn't the way the air feels,
so cold but just so right,
it's the way the dawn is creeping,
and how it's just midnight.

It's the way I promised,
I'd always be there,
the way I said "you're mine,"
the way if felt,
to kiss you,
and to hold you tight.

It's how I remember,
that you said I could stay,
that you said we're family now,
it's the way I thought
I could always depend
on the fact that you never said "for now"
it was always in the future with you,
or always in the past,
living in the present wasn't important to you,
until my heart became last.

When I became the last thing to you,
when my dreams came tumbling down,
when I became just another mistake,
and the things we said were past
and the way you looked when you said,
"some things are forgotten and some things just end,"
I knew right then what you really meant,
and I stood broken and bent,
waiting for the other shoe to fall,
and the words you said then,
"i'm not happy, and my life isn't with you,
and though I love you still,
I've fallen into a deep dark well
and you can't help me out."
You went on to say, covered in my tears,
that the world I knew was my own creation
and I knew then that I would be a girl lost in isolation.
I couldn't believe what you were saying to me,
as my heart got lost in my tears,
but I believe what I see,
and you were lying to me,
cuz you'd fallen out of love with me long ago,
and now the crux of the matter,
you'd found someone else,
and home for yourself,
that didn't include all our dreams,
they didn't even include me.
I asked for the truth,
and you slithered with lies,
as my eyes got ahold of your private smile,
there were no tears from your end of the deal,
and I paused to think of.... why?
And I knew it then
you'd be gone in a blink of an eye.

People Are Odd

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 00:08:05 GMT

Inspired by Char's entry below...

Isn't it strange how if someone says, "I am depressed, please help" most of us have suggestions for other people, but we are still depressed ourselves.

Depressed

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 18:37:37 GMT

Im having a hard time battling my depression recently and I know what its being triggered by, but I just cant fix it. That and my dreams that are a part of it are back. Jim registered as a sex offender, and its really weird having the guy who raped me for 3 years living 25.6 miles away. I just cant fix that and while I know he can never contact me, Im concerned about running in to him. Hes only 18 miles from where I work, and I just get terrified that I will see him somewhere and have a complete and total mental breakdown. The other sucky part is since Im pregnant I cant take my tranqs for the dreams, or my mood stabilizer or my anti depresent. I never thought I would actually want to take my cocktail of pills. The other scary thing is he lives that close to Bryanna. What if he runs into me and sees her and wants to hurt her to get back to me. I know Im being completely unrational but its just stuff that goes through my head.

Does anyone know anyway to battle depression without meds? Its making me a horrid person to be around.