Self Injury Community

a mini yay

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 14:37:41 GMT

I thought I'd share a mini Yay! moment with you all.

I started really feeling the urge to cut back on Aug 2 of this year. By midway through Aug I had to start wearing arm warmers because if I saw my arms I wanted to slash them. I was hospitalized, Sept 1-10 during which time I suffered because I wasn't allowed my arm warmers. Since I got out tho, I've been much more stable emotionally.

This past week I've actually been able to take the arm warmers off on good days and I don't automatically start looking for ways to cut myself.

I know that I might get worse again, but for right now I'm enjoying having naked arms for a little bit.

Stay safe and celebrate the little things,

~Dame

Dealing with urges

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 07:35:55 GMT

It's been over a year for me - probably closer to a year-and-a-half. I haven't been keeping very close tabs on it, I guess because it's been years since it was really bad. It's more like the occasional slip, now.

I feel a slip coming, though. I've been in a pretty bad place emotionally this past year, and it's getting old. I'm tired off thinking about it all the time, I'm tired of fighting it, I'm starting to not care about the reasons not to. Starting to forget I even had reasons in the first place.

I've been using rubber bands, but I'm not sure they help. I scratched my legs and arms with my keys yesterday - no broken skin, just making angry red lines in hopes that it would provide some relief.

I just want to get it over with. It feels like even if I never ever do it again, I'll always want to. Always have to fight it. I think that thought depresses me more than anything else right now. I want to actually be better, not just look it.

I hate my fucking smooth white skin.

I want nothing more right now than to bleed.

we were fated to pretend...

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:56:57 GMT

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin and f*ck with the stars
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars

This is our decision to live fast and die young
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun
Yeah, it's overwhelming but what else can we do
Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We were fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

But there is really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run its course

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We were fated to pretend
To pretend

I said yeah, yeah, yeah
All right yeah, yeah, yeah
I said yeah, yeah, yeah
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 01:45:43 GMT

we were together for 3 years, and for 3 years i did not, not once. she ended it a week ago, 3 years gone in a week? i was still deeply in love with her. the thoughts were stealthy when they creeped into my brain, the cold steel coming into my mind like an old trusted friend that i have not encountered for far to long. i got tattoos to cover up the old scars but the idea is present and i cant pretend like i dont see it floating around my head.i have no friends in so. cal. and the people i seldom speak to would not even want to listen. i am hurt, tired and i cant feel my emotions now. i am lost. ?

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 00:07:12 GMT

Dear everyone.

This community has changed so much in the past few years. And I honestly can't say whether it's the changing flux of moderation, American cultures view of self-injury and it's display in the media, or just people growing the hell up. If it's the last, I do know that would leave me stuck in the past. I also know that it could be any number of things or any number of combinations of such things.

Thing is, I'm about to step into my room and hurt myself very badly for the first time in nearly a year. And then my girlfriend will come over in a few hours when she gets off work. And she will not know. And I mean that. I will not show her. I will not allow it to be obvious. I will not let it slip. I will clean up everything perfectly. She will be completely unaware. Nobody will know it happened except for you. Reading this. Right now. But in an hour or two will you still know? Or will this just be gone in 20 seconds with the rest of your short term memory..

This community used to be a home to me. And everyday I would talk to people from this community. I still text with a girl I met on this community years ago. At one point, this community thrived. And it was the saddest thought, to realize that hundreds or thousands of other people shared the pain I did. But maybe the majority of us have grown up. Moved on. Maybe we had epiphanies and never looked back. But I'm still here.

I really don't know what the point of this was.

I'm a sixteen year old who has arms that look like they've been through a blender.
I've been a member of this community since I was about twelve.
I still get stares.
And maybe that's a bad thing.

But I'm still here.
And, sure, I'm about to hurt myself.
But I'll still be here.

And if any of you amazing people ever need anything.
You let me know immediately.
And I will be there.
To talk.
To listen.
Just to be there.

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 23:37:15 GMT

I feel horrible lately. There is stuff with my ex boyfriend and I don't know what I'm doing. The only solution seems to be cut but part of me knows that's not right. I just don't know if I want to quit or not and I don't know how to figure it out. How did you figure it out if you have?

why now?

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 13:48:39 GMT

So... This is so lame because I Haven't felt like this in soooooo long... Everything in my life is going so good, and yet for some odd fucking reason I feel so fucking empty all of a sudden... Maybe its just a mood thing, But I feel like total shit right now. I have a bottle of sleeping pills (poetic huh) and I can't help but want to take them. I only have them because I work 3rd shift and can never sleep...And I thought that I would be okay enough now to buy them and be responsible with them. I am 20 fucking years old and can't control this? I mean, it sounds so cliche and so "like" everyone else who does it for attention, to take a bunch of sleeping pills but I can't help it. I mean, why this feeling now? why so strong? I haven't cut myself or anything along those lines in about a year or so. I told myself that I am better than that and that I don't need to do that. I never did it for attention and that is why still "to this day" no one (at least to my knowledge) knows. Thats why if something happened to me, It woudl be a huge fucking suprise because i'm sooo sooo good at putting on this "i'm happy and I have it all together" face that no one would ever have a fucking clue that I feel like this right now...
I don't know...... this is fucking stupid!!! and I hate that I feel like this....I thought this was all over with... I thought I could be happy.... I thought that things were getting better... Why now???? I hate this!!!!

help?

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:45:18 GMT

I haven't cut in almost 5 months.
But I need advice on how to ignore the URGES...
Because I feel like I still think about it too much.
It's affecting my relationship right now and I can't stand that.

So.....is it just a matter of - getting rid of a thought when it comes into my head? Should I find some kind of good / better distraction than I have now? What should I do?

*sigh*

follow up..

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:56:54 GMT

so my friends pretty much backed me into a corner and i had to tell my mom about the cutting. i'm now set up with a therapist and have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get on meds for depression and anxiety. i'm happy about this because i want to get better so bad.

but another thing i have to decide is if i want to go to a rehab place for a couple of weeks. my therapist "strongly" recommends it and my friends think its a good idea too. has anyone gone inpatient? i know it helps but would it be a better idea to try therapy and antidepressants first? i dont really know what to do

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:37:42 GMT

it came to me last night, i think i'd like a tattoo on my thigh, where my self-harm scars are.
either a word like 'grace' or 'forgiven' or something, or a bible verse.
i mean, not the whole thing; i don't want all of psalm 119 on my leg (i actually read that once a few years ago haha) but like 'john 3:16' or something.
only i don't know what. if there's something about being loved or forgiven or being beautiful that would really fit that'd be great.

thanks

please read this and help me

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:30:07 GMT

i cut myself last night when my friends and i were all at a party. everything was fine and i was so happy (and drunk) and suddenly im fucking upstairs bleeding everywhere. i dont know why this fucking happens all the time. one of my good friends was with me the whole time, trying to get me to stop and keep it from happening and i got blood all over her and she was hitting people to get them away from me so she could talk to me. i dont remember much besides crying and fighting but i talked to her this morning and basically she is done with me and all my fucking problems, because i've promised her that i won't cut anymore and i still do. she doesn't want to talk to or be around me until i am "better". i understand her reasoning but i don't know what to fucking do. my friends are all getting pushed away because of me fucking cutting myself they think i'm psycho. it is only a matter of days before one of them tells her about this whole thing and i am in therapy or something getting 'better' because they are all extremely worried. i NEED to stop cutting myself at this point i'm losing friends over it. i don't know what to fucking do i need somebody to talk to who UNDERSTANDS. i'm just really upset right now because i just had a conversation with her that basically said she won't talk to me anymore. i have to stop doing this. does anyone have any idea what i can do? i need help

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 14:59:10 GMT

i'm writting to the dr who 'treated' me when my mother dragged me in about SI. i want to thank gretch (ein_denker) for encouraging me in it! so thankyou so much!

there is potentially triggering stuff in here, but being a SI comm i guess most of you will be on guard about that already, erm, and hey, if you want to write a letter to someone who treated you poorly over SI, even if they don't read it or anything it might help you move on. also, if they do take it into account you might help someone in the future fomr getting hurt, cos now i'm really quite scared about ever seeking 'proffesional' help, but maybe i'll influence that doctor so if others see her they won't end up feeling like me.
anyway, on with the letter:

Dear Dr Elliot,

Near the end of last year - I would say October-time, though I don’t recall the exact date - I was brought to you by my mother because I self-harmed. She was very hysterical when she found out; believing it to be a direct link to suicide, and nothing to do with me just needing a way to cope. In the some way some people might cry, or smoke, or shout, or drink, the way I coped was through cutting.

I found myself ill-received by you. It felt like you did not care about me at all, but only for my mother. You kept saying things like ‘how can you do this to your poor mum’ despite the fact it was me with gashes in my leg, not her. You also used very triggering language, talking about cutting, and blood and pain. If you are unaware, triggers are things that make someone feel upset, or flashback to a time when they may’ve been upset, or cutting, or they may cause someone to want to cut.

You asked me how I cut, asking if it was scissors, I did not see the importance or relevance of the tool I used. Was the point not that I was upset, not how I was relieving stress? I do not know if you were like you were with me out of ignorance or if you had some preconceived idea of ‘a self-harmer’ and thus did not like me, or hold any sympathy or empathy for me, before you even met me. I also find in general people who do not, or have not, self-harmed often make ‘cutting’ motions above their left forearm, which is very triggering, and stereotypes self-injurers, as not all of them cut their arms.

You asked me about it being pain or blood I liked, which I found hard to deal with, but there are many reasons I person will self-harm. For some, the wound is something they can care for, where they can put plaster and antiseptic on a physical cut if they are hurting inside they cannot attend those wounds. Emotional pain and confusion is difficult to comprehend, when it is in the form of a physical pain then that can be understood, the physical pain may be so great that the emotional pain is blocked out. Some people who self-harm want to take out hate and anger they feel on someone, but they do not wish to beat someone up, so they turn on themselves, or it is themselves that they despise, and where they might attack someone if they had offended or angered them, it is themselves that’s provoked those feelings so they will take it out on themselves. It is also possible to get a high off the pain from the endorphins released, which some people say is not dissimilar to that achieved from taking drugs, or having an orgasm – two other ways people cope.

My mother told you that it was something to do with a person I was friends with, but then who manipulated me. It was nothing to do with her. My parents did not realise that there were specific cuts and scars that I could point out and say ‘this was when dad did/said...’ I think it ought to have been evident that if I could talk to my parents about things there would be no need to turn to cutting, thus indicating my parents were part of the problem. But I have noticed that many adults believe that they are perfect and invincible and teenagers and attention seeking idiots with two much attitude. I believe 1 in 3 teenagers cut, if I’m not mistake you have three daughters which could fit into that age bracket?

You were not nice to me in the slightest, you used triggering language, you made me feel like I was an awful person, and you made me feel like a freak. I already felt the last two without your help. I am writing this letter in the hope that you will see that your actions caused distress. I was under the impression that Doctors wanted to help people, and you did not do a very good job of that. If someone comes to you voluntarily, realising that they need help because they have some problems in their lives or they want healthier ways to cope when turmoil arises, and they were met by you in the same way I was, I believe they would be discouraged from ever speaking out about their self-harm, which could mean it’s left to get worse. If someone is found out and dragged to you, like I was, they might come to fear all professionals and never on their own seek help, or indeed trust the person who took them to see you. Either way, you could cause more problems when it is in your power to present them.

I suggest until you become better informed or more emotionally capable of seeing people who self-harm - which, might I remind you, is not a suicide attempt, or a act of attention seeking, but a way of coping with stress, anger or upset, of large or small proportions – and until you can realise that just because they cut or burn themselves it doesn’t mean they aren’t also a human with feelings, then I suggest you advise people to make an appointment with a different Doctor.

Furthermore, many people who self-harm are more than capable or taking care of their wounds. I knew my cuts were not infected, and they didn’t need to be looked at. But the way you prodded at them, it was like someone reading my diary, only far more personal and intimate than that. In some ways I would equate it with sexual abuse. Something private and personal, I wouldn’t want a stranger invading my vagina or looking at it, and in the same way I wouldn’t want someone who had spent time making me feel awful and making me want to cut to look at self-inflicted wounds. You also told me they might scar. I wanted them to scar, for then I could prove I wasn’t mad, and I was hurting inside, and I didn’t have anyone who could help me. Again, like a diary, instead or witting down how I felt and how it hurt, my story would be told in the faint pinkish-white marks on my thigh. I tried not to get emotional in this letter, but this is a topic close to my heart and I feel as though I was not treated well by you. I hope this letter has brought you more understanding about self-harm and why people might do it, and I also hope it encourages you to re-think how you act toward people who injure themselves.

Yours in Doctor-Patient confidentiality,

Naomi Jevons

i''ve just noticed a typo but i printed it last nght and don't want to have a spae copy lying around for my parents to find or anyhting, so i'll see what i can do with tip-ex and a black pen :P

Yours Forever

Me

MOD UPDATE

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 22:12:32 GMT

Jesus,

After god knows how long of waiting, (as I'm sure you were), I've finally updated the contacts list and checked the emails.

The new list is here

I'm arranging some things to make contacting me easier and QUICKER. As I'm sure you'll appreciate.

:]

Cheers.

Help

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:09:19 GMT

i know i never post on this but i NEED to talk to people who understand why i cut myself.

its been getting pretty bad lately, i cut more often than usual but i find myself not being able to come up with a reason for it. When people see my scars and they get worried and ask WHY, i cant answer them. I DONT KNOW WHY, the only logical reason that i can think of is that i'm just depressed. Even that is hard for me to understand: how can i be so sad/upset/depressed/frusterated all the time when nothing particularly bad has happened?

Another thing that ive been thinking is i want to go back into therapy. My mother made me see one when she first saw cuts 5 years ago, but she thinks i stopped a long time ago.So i dont exactly know how to bring up the topic of getting help =/. I want to see if antidepressants will work, i want to try anything that will make me feel happy and normal.

i apologize for my rant but no one else understands this.

help?

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 05:47:16 GMT

.....I hate writing this, but if anybody is online right now, I could really use someone to talk me down.

EDIT:

Thanks to everyone who messaged me to help. I feel SO much better now.
It's just always the little things that pile up.....
But I'm not going to cut right now.
Four and a half months SI free.
Hope everyone else is doing well.

contracts?

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 16:16:09 GMT

Have any of you ever had to make up a contract with yourself and somebody else for the si stuff? My mom and psych want a contract out of me, and I have no idea what to put down. Any suggestions would be greatly apprieciated.

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:47:13 GMT

Things are just really bad right now. I posted in my journal but it didn’t help so I decided to post here. I wanna cut but I can’t, not right now anyway… I have a doctor’s appointment on the 5^th and I don’ wanna risk getting caught.

I’ve been wearing a wrist band, though, so I’ve been thinking if I really want to that bad I’ll cut there, just carefully. But for now I’ve been doing this thing.. if I still wanna cut in 20 minutes then I’ll cut, has anyone ever tried that?

Sometimes the urge goes away… but sometimes it just gets stronger.

I wanna scream so bad ‘cause it hurts! It hurts and I wanna cut to make it stop! It’s like I can’t fucking breathe… like my chest is tight and my body’s shaking and I just want it to stop! ….. I need it to stop. I’m not addicted, I know that, ‘cause I can go days, weeks, without cutting if I really wanted to.

My grandma had a stroke, two weeks ago and no one, my father aunts, no one fucking called me! No one told me… and it’s like what if she fucking died and I didn’t even get to say goodbye!

‘Cause that’s what happened to my Uncle Matt… they let me see him once in the hospital, I was like.. 8or something, and they swore to me up and down that he’d be ok.. well guess what. I got a call one night telling me he died and I never got to fucking see him… never got to say goodbye and he, my so-called father, was gonna let that happen again!

The worst part is that he said he didn’t tell me ‘cause I was ‘giving him the cold shoulder’… she’s my fucking grandmother… I’m so fucking pissed and … fuck it…

~shadow

>.

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:20:29 GMT

thinking so hard about breaking everything i've acheived so far...
my insides hurt
one year down the drain...? we'll see..
♥
stay strong everyone.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:36:22 GMT

doe s anyone here have borderline personality disorder? i think i do and i think my psychologist new that and was trying to help me before i completely ditched her which is why she called my house so many times and yeah...
its kind of scary how much it sounds like me but i dont know ... isnt everyone like that?

if theres someone here with BPD then could you friend me i want to hear your experiences so i am sure im not just being a hypochondriac.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 06:03:04 GMT

I hate feeling broken.

Curious (I'll Try not to be triggering)

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 04:30:29 GMT

Hi I've been lurking here for a while.
I've been self harming because of bullying and friends/people rejecting me.I mostly burned and cut.
But I've been wondering is it only considered self-harming if you use an object and create a scar because I haven't done that in three months. But I have pinched my skin and hit parts of my body recently. Is that still considered self harming?
I was also curious if people here ever regret harming themselves?
I only do if I have to cover the mark up.
Thanks replies are helpful.

now what?

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:14:20 GMT

I've just gotten an e-mail from my mom that has me seriously upset. Apparently the school she works for has just changed their internet rules to bann all things not assignment related. That means no LJ, MySpace, IM, whatever. This is bad because I often come in to school with her and hang out in her office because otherwise I'm stuck at home 24/7 except for doc appointments. My going to her office at least gets me out of the house. However, I really don't want to get her in trouble by using LJ etc on campus. But I'm at a really touch-and-go state of mind right now where I'm relying heavily on internet support (like this community) and talking on IM to people who understand.

Do I stay home now so that I'm not emotionally issolated, or do I continue to come in so that I won't be physically isolated.

I so didn't need this today.

x-posted

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:57:30 GMT

I havent cut in a little over seven weeks. So yay for that.

But I was SO tempted last night. And I'm still pretty tempted...

Almost two months ago one of my dogs died and just last night I found out that my cat has been missing for a while and is probably dead by a wild animal. Louie, my other dog, is all I have left now and I can't even be with him - because of my living situation he has to live with my grandpa, over an hour away.

I feel so quilty for not being there to take care of them, and I'm so depressed that I've already lost two of my three babies.

I REALLY want to cut but I promised my girlfriend I wouldnt do anything to hurt myself. And I havent... I didnt take any pills, I havent cut... I havent even purged since Saturday night.

I'm quite surprised at myself.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:50:43 GMT

Leared a trick yesterday and thought that I'd share it with all of you. I really wanted to cut yesterday, REALLY wanted to, but I've made a promise to several people that I won't. So when the need to see my blood got overwhelming, I took a red marker and used that on my arms. I then rubbed over the whole thing with several ice cubes. The combination seemed to help. Apparently the ice cubes is an old trick that I just didn't know about. But the marker was what made the biggest difference.

Hope everybody's doing ok,

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:59:35 GMT

Hey! I havent been here In a long time!
I graduated highschool and I'm going to college next week!
The real reason I'm here Is to know..Have any of you ever had a black out
not caused by drugs.
The other night I blacked out for 2-3 hours and when I woke up
I had a few things carved in my legs and a few stray cuts
I have no memory of doing this.
Has this ever happen to any of you?
Do any of you know what this could have been caused by?
And there havnt been any drugs in my systyem for quite a long time.
TH
hank you I miss you guys like mad!!