Self Injury Community

Need support.

2008-07-26T22:51:07Z

Brief history...

My mom is Bipolar Type 1 with mild psychosis. She ran away a year and a half ago when I was19 1/2yrs old. She been back a forth between home and where ever she goes since that. As a kid she was verbally and emotionally abusive. I am now 21, but the relationship is still ruined and I don't trust her in the least. Her situation has been going from bad to worse. My dad went to go get her this week, and they will be home in a few hours. I'm currently living with my dad. He is sick and he let me stay here to get out of my financial bind. So, it's help for both of up. Living with him is great... but my mom...

So... you can probably guess that the above was the sweet part of my day, the bitter part is going to be when my mom gets home with my dad. She was found as you all know, and he went down there to bring her back. She is going to be living with my dad and I, for who knows how long. It's going to be extremely awkward, and I'm not looking forward to it. I told Francis, I wouldn't mind her living in VA and me seeing her now and again. I DO NOT want to live with her though. I doubt she changed too much. She's going to want to fix our relatioinship. Which I understand, I am her daughter. I AM NOT ready though. When/ if I have to tell her that, she is going to get all depressed, and she might run away again. I understand that it wouldn't be my fault, but it would hurt my dad. I'm tired of her hurting him. Plus, she isn't good with bounderies, rules, and guidelines. As far as our relationship goes, there are going to be all three of those. When it comes to me and my things... plus my cat and plants.

I'm having anxiety over this... I'm drinking a beer. I need to be carefull. Part of the reason I bought the Vodka is because of the stress I'm feeling over this. I need something to "take the edge off". I'm not a cutter anymore... well, I restrain myself anyway. I would rather cut than be an alcoholic. I would rather have a healthy coping mechanism that either of these.

With the minore issues I have plenty of coping skills... I'm getting overwelmed though and I'm starting to feel in over my head. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm defending myself from someone... I do have a switch blade, but they have a machine gun. Deer in the head lights!

help?

2008-07-21T03:58:43Z

Hey guys, I could really use some help with something. It's been fifteen days since I last cut (yippee). Last time I cut was on my forearm and it was pretty deep - leaving several large scars that are still healing. Problem is, I'm going to a wedding on Friday. And I'll be wearing a strappy dress. Now, everyone there knows I have a history with this, though they dont know details. But still, even if they know, I'd rather not parade around with huge scars up my arm at the wedding. At work I usually cover them with an arm band (I have to wear one on my other arm anyway to cover my tattoo) but obviously this wouldnt look right at a wedding. The scars go up at least six inches or so up my arm. Any ideas on what I can use to maybe hide them? Bracelets dont go/stay that far up my arm, and I've not yet mastered blending a makeup job well enough to cover arm scars. Any other ideas?

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-19T18:44:00

2008-07-20T00:45:10Z

I want to.
I want to so, so badly.

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-19T01:09:00

2008-07-19T08:18:27Z

hey my name is sarah, i'm an 18 years old, and i've been cutting for 3-4 years. it's weird to admit that i'm a "cutter" - since i do NOT fit that stereotype at all. i still don't even really understand why i do it, but i guess it's a combination of punishment and something to distract me from my emotions. i hate the secrecy, the misunderstandings, and the scars, and i really want to stop for good. i have tried a few times in the past to stop cutting but i don't think i've gone much longer than a few months.

i'm at a total loss of how to stop though, it's kind of spiraling out of control! lately i've been going through a lot - i'm recovering from anorexia (that at least its going well!), i'm getting ready for college in the fall (i'm afraid of change...), and i'm getting back my final scores from ap testing, grades, etc (i cannot beleive how poorly i did - it shatters my already miniscule self-confidence into a million pieces). so, lately i have been feeling helpless and worthless and stupid. all i do to deal with it is cut. suggestions?

question

2008-07-19T05:27:57Z

does anyone else feel like everytime they become close to someone they have to tell them they used to cut.
i haven't cut in over 4 years, and I have a new boyfriend, who recently told me that he tells me everything, and I feel like this cloud of guilt came because I didn't tell him that. I don't know just wondering if anyone ever feels the same way.

i don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want anyone else to know.

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-18T22:47:00

2008-07-19T02:50:28Z

So I find it funny that I can't even afford to get the help that I need because I can't even afford food.

I owe school about $11 000, and, including loans, I'm short about $2000. And that's before I've eaten or bought textbooks, or anything ELSE like... say... shampoo or toilet paper.

Just makes me wonder how important "happiness" really is... I mean, which is more important? Going to a psychologist or food?

I'm exhausted. Mentally... physically... I just want a break from LIFE. I come home from work everyday just wanting to cut my LIFE away... But I don't.

I just don't know anymore.

upate:

2008-07-18T00:39:00Z

I posted earlier today feeling aweful. I thought I would just let all of you who responded know that I am doing better. I didn't bite myself once, so that was good. I ended up calling my mom out of her meeting to talk me through it.

thnx for the support.

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-17T14:41:00

2008-07-17T11:55:41Z

i think i found a way to reduce my cutting (if not quiting)
like yesterday, i just wanted to cut, for no obvious reason, so i was standing in front of the cupboard i keep the blades and, suddenly a voice in my head said "no".
so i left the room but i still had this urge. so i decided instead of cutting, to write a song :))
and when i finished, the urge was gone.
i'm not sure if this will always work, because i can only write so many songs :P
Maybe i'll draw or smth.

Anyways, here's the song:

The Fall
So how can i begin to describe the edge?
It's not like I remember
Am i supposed to know what gave that first urge?
Really, should I know better?
Is it so hard to understand?
It wasn't my decision
I didn't choose to live like that
I didn't want the crimson
It all just happened one cold night
That's all I can recall
As for the reason I thought "that's right"?
I just could use the fall

So here's to my mistake
I just can't get it right
I wonder is it just too late
To make it all alright?
Or should I bleed all night?

Voices in my head, saying horrible things
"You're fat and you're so ugly"
Haunted in my dreams, blades clipping my wings
Is it so difficult to understand me?
If only I could fit in, if I could be accepted
Then I would not have to do this to be relieved
I would not have to hide away like I'm detested
And I could just be free

So here's to my mistake
I just can't get it right
I wonder is just too late
To make it all alright?
Or should I bleed all night?
Trying to figure out
What was that drove me to it

Laying on the floor
Blood running down my arms
I cry red tears trying to resist the fall
I try to keep myself whole
I try to get through to you
I think I need some help
Someone to hold my hand
Someone to just be there...

its still there...

2008-07-16T05:20:48Z

When life gets shitty...why do I always think about going into the bathroom and cutting myself?

I haven't cut in years. And yet, when times get downright shitty...I want to.

Has anybody not cut in years and feel the same way I do....

BTW i think i haven't cut in 3 years.

Hii

2008-07-16T02:12:15Z

I actually don't think I've posted in here yet. I joined a while ago, and I know I've commented, but I guess I'll introduce myself and stuff now.

My name is Amanda. I'm a 19 year old college student. And, let's see...well, I started self harming (cutting usually, and some various other things) when I was 11 and did it pretty habitually until I was 14 or 15. When friends ask I don't say that I've stopped, because if I feel the need to cut, I usually do, but it's not unusual for me to go 3 to 8 months without cutting. It's been on my mind a lot lately, though I'm not entirely sure why. Anyway, Hi. I hope all of you are doing alright. It's funny how I'll cut without a second thought but I have such a bleeding heart when it comes to others. I love talking to people though, about anything. =)

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-15T12:56:00

2008-07-15T18:00:01Z

So it's been a week since I last cut. Not a terribly impressive feat for me, I've gone much longer and had a much harder time before, but hey. A week is a week.

I still have my razors, and even though I really don't want to cut ever again, I'm apprehensive about throwing them out... Kinda like I want to keep them as a bit of a security blanket or something... Just in case...

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-14T23:14:00

2008-07-15T03:25:26Z

I am at a critical point in my life where I must choose between my disorders and getting help.

I have never... EVER felt strong enough to admit to someone else that I'm not okay..... Nor have I ever actually been able to tell someone else how I feel. Ever. Not even my closest friends.

But I am sitting here, literally afraid that if I don't.... that if I don't, I might take myself out.

Because... well... everything has become so completely unbearable that I really can't see myself faking it anymore. I have never felt this comfortable with the idea of dying... It has always scared me. It hasn't scared me for about a month now. I almost welcome it. I almost welcome it with open arms.

And my disorders... they bring me comfort in knowing that they are the one constant in my life. My constant sadness is the ONE thing I can count on.

But I don't feel like I can struggle with this anymore. I have never felt so far gone in my entire life.

But at the same time... the thought of me being weak and vulnerable around someone else makes me shake.

I don't know what to do.

A friend of mine just told me via MSN that I need help, particularly the extremely expensive kind.

I don't feel like there is any reason for me to be alive anymore.

I guess what I'm asking is if there's anyone out there who has experienced similar fears with getting help.... and.... if you got help.... did it actually help you any? Details would be appreciated, if you're comfortable with them.

I love you all dearly. Hang on, stay strong.

It's question time!

2008-07-15T01:45:33Z

Okay. What I would like to know:

Anyone else here been cutting/self-injuring for a long period of time? As in, more than 3 years?

For those of you who have been without relapse for more than a year, what was it that had worked for you so far?

What do you wish people knew about cutting, either so that they wouldn't start or so that they could better understand your situation?

Oh and please don't take this to mean that I think that less than 3 years isn't long and terribly painful, or that going 9 months, 6 months, or a week without relapse isn't good. Any attempt to stop is admirable. I am just wondering about length of time because I started when I was twelve and am now nineteen, and have never made it more than a year without relapse. Seven years is a long time. I feel ancient. If there's anyone out there who has a comparable timeline, it'd be nice to not feel so alone.

Well as I said, I've been cutting for seven years now. I feel like I've grown up with it. I did stop for an entire year once, and I don't have much difficulty going without for a few months at a time but obviously, it doesn't stay away. I keep coming back to it. And of course the longer this pattern continues, the less optimistic I feel about being able to quit eventually.

I guess I haven't found a good enough reason to stop, at least not one that would hold still for more than a year, haha.

I wish people knew how badly you itch. I hate the itching. Jeez. And I wish people knew how incredibly hopeless you feel. How intense the pain has to be for you to do this to yourself. I really think if people knew how bad it was, they wouldn't judge. When this seems like the only thing to make things BETTER...how bad can they possibly be?

Oh, and I've been a member of this community under various screennames since I was fifteen or so...so thank you for making the past few years more bearable:-) I love you all, stay safe:-)

<3 K

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-14T16:08:00

2008-07-14T20:12:04Z

This is my first post...I am a cutter, but don't get the rush I used to...I have thought about burning but havn't tried it yet...

The latest si is to get drunk from alcohol and pills so that I lose my balance and fall...So far only deep and satisfying bruises..maybe brokeb bones later...Any thoughts or ideas?

Thanks,

Mac

New coping method please?

2008-07-12T08:42:18Z

OK.
So cutting is something I do usually when I'm alone at home and I'm sad/mad/stressed, or any other emotion I can't deal with; and I smoke cigs and drink whenever I get the chance.
Mostly I smoke because, ya I'm addicted now and I feel like i need it, or when I'm really stressed/sad/mad, same reasons pretty much. But cutting and smoking are both hurting yourself, just in different way.
That's sort of why i didn't mind starting smoke two years ago, because sometimes I didn't care about myself, and other times I thought maybe it would help me stop cutting...? It didn't, i just have 2 bad habits now. So I'm trying to stop both of them.
If anyone could offer any other type of coping method that I can use while I'm home and while I'm out, that would be a big help. I never really learned how to cope with stuff by watching my family, everyone just holds everything inside and lets it out when there alone, i guess, or maybe they just have a healthier coping method than i do, idk.
Anyway, if you could give some suggestions that would be great, thx =).

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-10T18:55:00

2008-07-11T01:33:53Z

Well, I suppose I should start off with a "Hi, I'm new" type post. It will be good to get all this off my chest.

I don't remember when I first cut. Is that strange? It's totally blank to me. I remember that I must have been in eighth grade; I remember where I was and even the scissors I used, but I can't remember what drove me to it or when exactly I started. I'd been scratching at my arms in times of anxiety for a bit less than a year before that, so it wasn't a huge jump to this.

Once I'd tried it, though, I had no desire to stop. Regardless of what my friends said, or how many times people called me emo, or even trying to convince myself to stop because I knew it wasn't healthy. I didn't have any alternatives, though- my only close friend also cuts herself and all my other friends were very distanced from me, and reluctant to speak to me. I was scaring them, I realized later, and they didn't want me to drag them down with me. It sounds selfish on their parts, but it's not. I did end up negatively affecting two of my friends and they started cutting. One managed to stop. One... well, she has a heart carved into her chest now.

Cutting remained to me something pleasurable, whether it was a release so I didn't end up hurting other people or just something that felt good. It's part of the reason I get off on pain, I know, and it's arguable if that's healthy or not, but I won't go deep into my sex life here. Returning to the story, I cut instead of facing my problems. The day I got turned down by a guy I really liked, I cut my wrist a few times and drank half a bottle of vodka. My friend had to come see me because she was worried I was going to kill myself. You might say that's when I hit rock bottom, or it might have been when I cut myself because I was bored and had nothing else to do. It doesn't really matter, but I know people like to have a scale on which to weigh the importance of things.

At one point, my dad flipped out completely because I'd gotten home from school late- he threw things, screamed at me, broke a chair and put a hole in the wall in his rage. He started yelling that he knew that I cut because he'd read this LiveJournal (I've posted about my issues with it quite a few times before) and a lot of other things he shouldn't have said. In retrospect, him finding out was a good thing. It got me on the path to stopping, but the manner in which he confronted me about it compounded the issue and made me cut probably twice as frequently as I had been.

I started to sink pretty low into depression around New Year's Eve (right after Christmas). My friend convinced me to go to a party with her, and I figured that was a better option than sitting around thinking about how shitty this year was going to be, so I went. Until a guy named Joey showed up, I was completely miserable. I didn't know anybody there but for maybe three or four people, and I was not having any sort of fun. When Joey showed up, my mood brightened- I'd never met him before, but it was obvious that he liked me and we started dating the next day. High school, huh?

Anyway, that night I made a resolution not to cut myself at all this year. I just stopped. Having Joey around to keep me distracted- and euphoric- made it much easier, and after two months even when I wanted to cut I really couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that there were better ways to deal with my emotions now. Toward the end of February, I went over to his house where we got close, dangerously close, to having sex, but I stopped him because he didn't have a condom. Technically, it's very possible that we did actually have sex- we got close enough for me to freak out about the fact that I might be pregnant, because my period chose a terrible month to skip- but I don't count it. He got me sick that day, and for the next three and a half weeks I was really, really sick. He gave me a cold that turned into strep, and the medicine I took for strep gave me really gross hives all over my body. That time from the end of February to the beginning of March was entirely spent being sick, and I didn't even get to miss much school over it. I was falling asleep with my coat over me, shivering, at lunch time, and finally when that hadn't gone away for about a week my dad took me out of school.

Right after I started taking antibiotics for strep, before the hives, Joey broke up with me. I'd seen it coming, but it didn't lessen the impact. I cried and made him stay on the phone with me for over three hours. It was really a struggle not to cut at this point, but my dad came and sat with me, and helped me through. The next day he started dating one of my best friends, and while I was at a friend's house the antibiotics took their toll on me. I'd noticed a rash earlier on my arms, but now my face was swelling like crazy and everything was really, really itchy. When I went home the next day, it got worse and worse- the only thing stopping me from cutting at that point was that I was too miserable to even move, and perhaps a little that I had enormous hives with no smooth place to even try to cut- and I had to go back to the doctor. March was not a good month.

Somehow, though, I made it through all that. It's July now, and I'm with a guy who would never try anything like what Joey did, and I still haven't cut. I wanted to take a picture of my scars to show, but they're only visible if you're right here, and I have my arm bent in just the right way. I don't regret any of this. It's made me who I am today. And if I can help even one person in this comm, I will be happy.

Thanks for making it through that whole long story. I feel better now.

PENNSYLVANIA PEOPLE!

2008-07-10T01:13:48Z

I'm not sure how many people there are from Pennsylvania in here but there are SMA meetings (self mutilators anonymous)..for anyone who is interested in recovery or with getting help and taking a step toward recovery.
i contacted the person about these groups and was told due to the not good turn out they have been cancelled.
I'm trying to spread the word and get the
meetings going again.I would like to see those who are serious about recovering or getting help or anything to contact the email address that will be left about starting this group back up. I need it badly right now.. my brother just died on the fourth of July and I was recently rejected by 20 referrals my insurance company had given me. I was rejected because I'm a self mutilator
well here is the information for meetings in Pennsylvania ..

Downingtown,Pa
Thursdays 7pm-8pm
this is a self injury anonymous support group
Central Presbuterian Church
route 113
this is a closed adult support group

I realize it says adult..so contact this email for any information or questions
stefslm@aol.com

thank you ..and delete this if its not allowed.if its not allowed,sorry I posted it

hey

2008-07-06T20:45:53Z

i want to get a tattoo over my wrist. but i have cuts there. how long do you have to wait from the last time you cut so you can get a tattoo there? Someone told me you have to wait 2 years. I don't know if you guys would know, but its worth asking right?

This is not intended to offend anyone...

2008-07-06T19:00:21Z

Does anyone but me think that somtimes we look for reasons to cut? Even though some of us say that we don't want to anymore?

Sometimes the things we cut over really don't call for that severe a reaction. Like a pet dying, bad day at work, someone bullying us. I guess a lot of it sums up to us feeling like it's our fault... or just no self esteme.

I have a kitty... he's my baby. If something were to happen to him, whether it was my fault or not, and I would be devistated. I could very easily see myself working myself up so much that I would cut.

I dunno what my point is. I guess that cutting is like any other addiction. Any excuse we have to cut, we'll cut. Whether it realisticly be ligitament or not.

I know some of you haven't cut for years, maybe months. I haven't cut for two years. I've come uncomfortable close to messing up sometimes. It's really hard. What keeps you guys from cutting? What finally made you guys say enough is enough? For me... I think it was just realising that cutting wasn't going to solve any of my problems. As good as it feels... I may end up killing myself one day if I didn't stop. Whether it be an accident or on purpose. I didn't want to die. Plus, it hurt the people who cared about me. I miss cutting sometimes.

But yeah... share your stories. What keeps you from cutting? For those of you who find it hard to "quit", why do you personally keep cutting? What about it is so appealing for you? For me it was the release. The release of adrenaline and the emotioal pain. It never physically hurt. A lot of the time I was mad at myself too, so I was punishing myself. Mostely it was just because I needed the release.

I'm sorry if anyone finds these questions evasive. I just like to know how other peoples' minds work so that I can better understand them.

::hugs::

Self Mutilators Anonymous

2008-07-06T17:34:07Z

I'm going to a Self Mutilators Anonymous meeting tonight for the first time and I'm so nervous.
Has anyone else been and can tell me what it's like?

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-06T08:17:00

2008-07-06T13:23:06Z

Yesterdsay I found out one of my dogs died on the 4th of July (due to complicated sitatuin they arent currently living with me). My kids, my two dogs and cat, are my everything. Now one's gone and my mind came up with a pretty logical explaination of how its my fault... But anyeway, I cut really badly on the pelvis and.... for the first time in a very long time.... I cut my wrist. Luckily I have arm bands I can wear at work.

I also overdid it a little on the (precription) drugs yesterday. I could barely walk and I'm still having trouble typing. I have work in two hours and I really dont want to go.... I want to curl into a ball and die.

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-03T17:47:00

2008-07-03T21:49:24Z

I don't know what is stopping me from cutting right now. I have a stronger urge than I've had in a long time and it's all I want. He broke my heart. He was so perfect. He treated me so perfect. Up until the last second. If he broke my heart how am I suppose to ever trust anyone again? He's so perfect...

Fuck cutting, I want to die.

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-02T15:41:00

2008-07-02T19:48:57Z

The only reason I still fight is to make other people happy.
No one wants to see someone else broken.
And, even though I am, they don't need to know that.
I haven't posted anything about cutting in my journal in ages, as if I haven't done it.
I can see the blood as I type this.
And I know that my friends are growing sick and tired of me and my bull shit.
I don't blame them.
It's why I stay alone most of the time.
It's why no one's ever seen me break, and it's why no one's ever seen me cry... and it's why no one ever will.

They don't deserve it, and I can't take knowing that someone looking at me knows everything.
So I will be silent forever.

Please be stronger than me. I know you all have it in you. I've just been in this for 11, almost 12 years too many.

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-01T21:49:00

2008-07-01T20:49:17Z

okay, i've just put my facebook status to be 'is celebratting 6months without cutting =DD' i'm scared about the replied i'm gonna get, but also kinda excited, you know? cos 6 months is a long time, longer not cutting than i have been cutting, even though i was subconciously SIing (scratching and pinching myself) for years before.

_knowyoulive @ 2008-07-01T00:11:00

2008-07-01T07:14:04Z

i used to be an active member in this community, back when my cutting was really bad.
i finally stopped some time during senior year (i graduated 07) but ive been feeling that way again lately and it scares me.
the shitty part is that i dont feel like my problems are bad enough, like people have it way worse than me, and i feel pathetic feeling depressed about such little things. and like it takes nothing these days to get me depressed. i just hate it and i don't know what to do.