Names are irrelevant. ([info]xxhintoftearsxx) wrote in [info]_knowyoulive,
@ 2008-07-14 23:14:00
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I am at a critical point in my life where I must choose between my disorders and getting help.

I have never... EVER felt strong enough to admit to someone else that I'm not okay..... Nor have I ever actually been able to tell someone else how I feel. Ever. Not even my closest friends.

But I am sitting here, literally afraid that if I don't....  that if I don't, I might take myself out.

Because... well... everything has become so completely unbearable that I really can't see myself faking it anymore. I have never felt this comfortable with the idea of dying... It has always scared me. It hasn't scared me for about a month now. I almost welcome it. I almost welcome it with open arms.

And my disorders... they bring me comfort in knowing that they are the one constant in my life. My constant sadness is the ONE thing I can count on.

But I don't feel like I can struggle with this anymore. I have never felt so far gone in my entire life.

But at the same time... the thought of me being weak and vulnerable around someone else makes me shake.

I don't know what to do.

A friend of mine just told me via MSN that I need help, particularly the extremely expensive kind.

I don't feel like there is any reason for me to be alive anymore.



I guess what I'm asking is if there's anyone out there who has experienced similar fears with getting help.... and.... if you got help.... did it actually help you any? Details would be appreciated, if you're comfortable with them.

I love you all dearly. Hang on, stay strong.

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[info]bloody_kisser
2008-07-15 05:14 am UTC (link)
Don't say that, hon'. There is always a reason to be alive. =)

Yes, I have had a similar feeling/issue. I felt like my disorders were all I have, and afte a while, honestly, they were. I felt like I couldn't/can't give up my Eating Disorder because I would have no control anymore. I felt like I couldn't/can't give up Self Injury because what would I have left? How would I deal with shit? Etc... I even capitalize Eating Disorder and Self Injury like they are... living things.

I understand, darling, and don't lose hope. Trust me when I say it gets better. I've gone quite a while without SIing and my eating disorder is improving. It all gets better, help can help. =)

♥

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[info]cherryblossom26
2008-07-15 07:46 am UTC (link)
ya I've been extremely down like that before(you're not alone -hugs-), and still struggle with it every now and then. If I wasn't so scared to tell my parents maybe I could get help. Then again my family and I aren't really close.

Anyway, the point is if you have the opportunity to see a professional about this i would deff. recommend it. It might help, it might not, but at least then you'll know, right? Also, you'd be able to let out a lot of things you've been holding in for a while, and they can try to help you realize why you're feeling like this.

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[info]jcmmyhero
2008-07-15 10:31 am UTC (link)
Getting help has never stopped me from feeling like that, but I can't say for sure if it would help you or not. Then again, it would probably be better if you didn't use my experience as a guideline. It sounds like you're depressed, while I can't shake the feeling that I have a personality disorder.

Are you on meds? Normally I don't advise anyone to take psychoactives, but your case is kind of extreme.

Ok, so maybe try this. Take a very deep breath, close your eyes and think of when you've been really, truly happy. Make a list of reasons why you would miss living- no matter how small your reasons are, when you see them written out, it makes it thought of death a little less welcome.

You'll be ok.

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[info]xxhintoftearsxx
2008-07-15 04:16 pm UTC (link)
I am not on meds, mainly because I've never seen a doctor about any of this. However, I am a psychology major, and understand how anti-depressants and the like work.... I am aware that drugs do not help everyone, and that certain people respond better to certain drugs. Based on that, I am hoping that, if I choose to get help, I will have the strength to know the difference.

You say that you can't shake the feeling that you have a personality disorder... Which one? I would put money on me being borderline.

As for your suggestion.... Thank you. I think I will try that.

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[info]jcmmyhero
2008-07-15 05:44 pm UTC (link)
I hope so too. :/

Ah, me too. The mental healthcare plan that I was on was... flawed, to say the least. My therapist immediately dismissed my theory that I'm borderline when I know that at least a few of my symptoms match up (and that's an understatement) and when I expressed interest in antidepressants she put me on a waiting list and told me it would be at least six months. I was like, um, okay... I'll just try not to kill myself in the meantime, then. Now I know that they are never going to call me about it.

I hope it works for you. Sometimes when I try it, I just stare at the piece of paper until everything gets blurry and then go lay down because I just can't think of anything. That's pretty low, even for me, but it happens.

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[info]xxhintoftearsxx
2008-07-15 07:37 pm UTC (link)
The problem with psychologists is that a LOT of them refuse to acknowledge BPD, and it is extremely hard to get a diagnosis on it.... And if you do, a lot of psychologists will refuse treatment to those who have it due to the symptoms of relationship instability and the fact that they have the highest suicide rate amongst all personality and mood disorders.... People are hard to treat if they're constantly wavering between thinking their doctors are amazing and thinking that their doctors are evil, all while wanting to die... It's a lot of pressure to put on a doctor, and I understand that... HOWEVER, I don't think they should have gone into that field if they weren't prepared for it.

That's just me, though.

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[info]jcmmyhero
2008-07-16 04:33 pm UTC (link)
That's frustrating. >:[
I agree, though, that you can't go into a line of work if you don't think you can handle some aspect of it.

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