|
[21 Dec 2009|04:49pm] |
|
( I slipped up--- cut due to possibly trigger for some )
I'm going to start to heal again. I'm not going to count days.... I end up putting too much emphasis on the days & I set myself up for failure. I realize now that this isn't as easy as just making the decision to quit. It's going to be a constant battle somedays & it may never get easier... but I pray that it will. Relapse IS a part of Recovery. I think that is something that has been particularly hard for me to accept. Slip-ups are going to happen, but it doesn't mean all hope is lost and healing isn't taking place. But it's still hard to deal with.
I don't know if I sure be feeling more guilty than I am about slipping up. I feel a bit guilty. I feel a bit selfishly sick. But, I still feel as though I want to get better, and I'm not a horrible person... I'm just not a well person.
Anyone have any words of advice or encouragement about how I can look at these slip-ups and not let them get me down? How can I acknowledge them but not let them own me?
|
|
| Growing up... |
[21 Dec 2009|12:21am] |
I used to be active in this community a few years ago when things were really tough for me, but as I got older, I didn't have time to be on the computer so much. But I will get to my point. Now, I'm 19, but still stuck emotionally where I used to be active here around 14/15 years old. Now in a long-term relationship, I feel that if I start to cut again, he will feel it's his fault. But right now, I just have the overwhelming feeling that all of us know: I need to cut; I need to see the blood drip, you know?
But I'm an "adult" now and I can't play it off as some sort of teenage phase. I don't know how to find help or who to turn to. The feelings I feel aren't familiar to my boyfriend. He does not understand it at all, supportive he is, but you don't understand until you get sucked into the cycle yourself.
I guess I just want to express how I feel to people that understand, to feel part of something bigger than me. Thanks.
|
|
| Relapse... Really?? Yes |
[18 Dec 2009|03:09pm] |
I deleted my facebook.. AGAIN. Oh and I cut. BOO!! I totally threw 77 days clean down the drain. It can't be about the days anymore. I hate it being about the number of days... they haunt me and they chase after me... in a way, maybe cutting this time was partly to get rid of those days.. to get them to stop chasing me. I sent a message to my friend on facebook on Saturday.. she never responded.. though she logged on. Then I wrote on her wall just saying hi and and wishing her well and "hope to see ya soon".. blah, blah, blah.. she never commented on it.. though she logged on. So then earlier today I sent her this message:
( Read more... )
She never responded to it. She logged on, but didn't respond. I know there could be a billion reasons, but I know the reason. It's because she hates me now. No one responds to me, though I rarely message anyone. I don't know why I'm so horrible. I knew all along facebook was being used to hurt me. That me having it was a bad thing. That it made it easier for them to conspire against me. So I cut. I cut because I hate myself. No one cares. They say they do, but where are they when I need them? When I really need them they're nowhere to be found. No one is. So, I cut. Because I'm a fucking loser. Because I'm not smart enough to hold on to what I know, in the back of my mind, the truth is. I hate myself. I don't care to tell them I messed up. I sent Mom an email that I did. That's how desperate I've become.. I've actually told my Mother. I know that we're trying to get me help and I should have just held on.. but I'm too selfishly sick. They'll think bad of me I know it. I want to make them happy to be my friend. I want them to be proud. Instead, I've probably made her frustrated and annoyed. I'm such a horrible person. Who am I fooling? Like I could ever do those things I wanted to do in life. Yeah right. It's impossible. I can't even believe anymore in that... I feel hopeless. I feel like I've screwed things up too much. God doesn't give this many chances. I think He gets the message that I don't care... but I do.. but I can't.. and I do.. but I don't.. and it's quiet obvious I need help? this isn't all my fault. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want it. But why can't I carry this hurt, this burden knowing that God allowed it for a reason.. if only I could figure out the reason.. maybe it'd be easier on me.
"I want to make you happy, I've fallen, I'm sorry.
I thought my wings could hold me up,
With angels, not demons."
|
|
|
[16 Dec 2009|05:57pm] |
|
Someone please tell me I'm not a horrible person.
I didn't cut. I can't. I won't. I have to resist.
I had to do something though.. they wanted me to. I know they did.
( Possibly a bit triggering? though not much I wouldn't think )
I feel like a horrible person. I've done other things.. odd, creepy things. I'm not good enough as myself. I can't get into explaining those things. No one will get hurt though.. only myself.. only my heart.
|
|
| Finally Told Mom |
[14 Dec 2009|12:07am] |
I finally told my Mom about the voices, hallucinations, paranoia, etc. etc. It took me all week to work up the courage. I told her Saturday night after a bad day. I spent the entire day trying to find ways to tell her and then finally decided not too. We went to a Christmas Party at a family friends house that evening and it made me miserable. I had a good attitude going into it, but once we got there, I just wanted to run screaming to the car to cry. That made me feel worse because I know that a small social gathering shouldn't make me THAT miserable. It shouldn't make me want to respond that way, but it did. For some reason all I could think about when I was there was the fact that I saw NO ONE wash their hands and the fact that they were touching the food I was expected to eat (or getting close to it). I managed to eat some only because I didn't want to be rude AND because it's rare that I get a hot meal anymore. The party had me SO upset and my mind seemed to be cloudy and full of static and a billion thoughts and the presence of cruel/criticizing voices, that when we were at the grocery store it was all I could do to not break down in tears. I walked through the entire store pushing that cart trying to hold down the bit of food I managed to eat. Mom knew something was wrong. She offered to take me to Walmart to buy me a little something I've wanted to cheer me up, but I declined, knowing that it would only make me falsely happy and only for a moment.
When we got home I managed to say "mom, I need to tell you something but I can't" and she said, "you can tell me... what is wrong?".. all I remember is I said something like "the voices... and the people... they won't stop.. they won't leave me alone" I went on to explain some things and she offered to take me somewhere (I'm assuming the hospital, probably out of not knowing what else to do) but I said no. She says she's going to start making calls to figure out ways of getting me to see someone and getting help.
But I'm scared. Some people have suggested that some of my symptoms could be a result of loneliness and extreme anxiety. And that makes partial sense. (I won't go into explaining the different types of hallucinations/delusion/paranoia/etc.. I've had.. too much to explain.) I was on medication for hallucinations, etc. in 2006 and they partly worked, but the psychiatrist never talked with me much about them, and the psychologist didn't either. They never gave me a reason as to why I was having them or a diagnosis for them. They diagnosed me with Bipolar and that was it. They never even talked to me about what that meant. I want to go back, but I'm scared. I want to be prepared for what they may tell me. I don't want to go in there and after a few visits they tell me "well, I think you may be ________". Cause I might freak out. I'd like them to put a name on it, just so it makes it easier for me to catagorize/understand/learn about/etc.
So I didn't know if anyone knew about this type of thing.. maybe could help me figure out possibilities of the what's and why's etc. Maybe help me to explain in word better what's going on, because as of now, I have a really hard time explaining what I mean when talking about what I'm experiencing. Maybe someone has been diagnosed with something that relates to some of this and could talk with me a bit? So, feel free to message me, add, comment.. w/e. I'm just feeling really uncertain and scared right now and can't calm myself at all.
|
|
|
[12 Dec 2009|10:11pm] |
Half of bag of sunchips = finger down my throat.
shit.
so what do you think is worse, a cut or a purge?
X.x
|
|
| Total Downward Spiral - Help me, I'm scared. (x-posted) |
[12 Dec 2009|07:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
I've never SI'd in my life. I've thought about it a few times through the years but it's never turned into action. I had a baby 4 months ago & so much in my life has changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. I think I'm going through some post partum depression & it's been hell. Tonight I'm at my last end. I'm finding myself TRULY considering the idea of cutting myself while I'm in the bath tonight just to see if it help even though I know it's not good for me.
|
|
| Venting.. Am I Overreacting? |
[10 Dec 2009|06:06pm] |
I can't stand this person. I can't even bother to go into all the details of this.. it would take too long.
I feel bad for disliking her. For not wanting to deal with her. She's showed me kindness, she's even done me some favors (some of which I didn't want, just found it hard for them to get turned down). Some of the 'favors' came with a price. Some favors were things I didn't even want.. I just find it hard to turn people down. Especially people who won't take 'thanks, but I'll pass" as an answer. Why can't they leave it at that. Do they need to know my reasons. My reasons are usually the same. I don't like people doing me favors because I don't like feeling indebted to that person. Like I owe them something.
(And this person is a perfect example of why I don't like to let people do me favors and me feel indebted.)
Not like taking me with her to a place she were already going is that big of a favor anyway. She took in my dog for me... that was the biggest favor. I know she didn't have to, but I didn't ask her to even. And she didn't have to keep the dog forever.. only until we found it another home.. but she said she liked the dog and wanted to keep it. She made a few out of there way trips for me.. but not many.. and not ones I asked for them to.. she always offered.
I think she mean well for the most part. But I seriously question that now.
I never wanted her to be a close friend. She's too old. Jeez, I'm 19 going on 20 and she's 50 or something. She should only be an acquaintance. I met her at a local attraction. She came as much as I did, and she always talked to me, though I didn't care for her to... and then she added me on facebook and it's impossible for me to reject a friend request and then face the person. Then she pushed her way further into a 'friendship' with me. I don't like it when someone who I don't consider a 'friend' comments on everything I post on facebook.. it creeps me out.
She continually overstepped boundaries. (at least in my opinion.) I don't want someone cutting line. (at a local attraction.. any 'line' I refer to, or 'seat', is in relation to a production put on at a local attraction that I attend a lot). I don't wait in line just so she can come up at the last minute and cut in line to stand with me. It's embarrassing to me. The people behind me in line, who she is cutting, they took time out of their day to get a good spot, they could have been out there shopping or eating, as I'm sure they'd like to do, but instead they choose to wait in line and then she cuts in front of them. It's not right. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me and I'm sure she wouldn't want someone to do that to her either. I also don't appreciate it when she leaves her bag in line with me while she goes off to get food or coffee or to socialize. I think the day it pissed me off the most was when she cut in line and then sat in a seat I told her another lady who was at the restroom was sitting in, and she sat down anyway. Two seconds later she leaves to go 'socialize', leaves her bag with me.. then the older lady comes back and sits in her seat... then she comes back, sees the old lady sitting there, but squeezes in between the older lady and me, and it ends up pushing me off the bench. IT'S BS!! And she seems oblivious to it all.
And OMG, she takes food. I had a basket of chicken fingers and fries that I bought at the 'local attraction'. It was during the summer and I had a hard time wanting to eat this summer. I had no appetite. Plus, I rarely have money to get food... I usually pack my lunch. I was sitting there picking at my food and she walks up and says, "oh, what are we eating?". I though, "we? wtf? I'M eating this.. not you. not 'we'!!" And then she just starts helping herself to some fries and stuff. She's lucky I didn't beat the crap out of her. It's so rude for starters. I don't usually mind sharing food, but no one needs to just take it. Especially when it's 'that time of the month'... don't even think about taking my food. I don't share during that time. UGH.
The main thing now though is that she's talked bad about me behind my back. She knows about certain 'issues' of mine. The only reason she knows is because of facebook (one of the reasons I don't want to add people I don't know well). I don't hide things on facebook really.. I'm pretty open.. well somewhat. And she was there when I was talking to friend K about some stuff. I don't have a desire to talk to her about things. I only did twice because she's so damn pushy.. and only the surface of things to get her to hush. Everything has come to a head with being over dealing with her and I've tried to avoid her, I haven't tried to talk to her, but I've been polite. I answered the basis of her messages.. I only ignored two. One pissed me off and I didn't want to say what I really wanted to say so I chose not to respond.. and the other was a text later at night and I didn't feel like talking. Big deal.
Apparently she felt the need to say bad things behind my back to a person she bad mouths ALL the time. She told him that I was weird, moody, had too many issues and needed to stop making a big deal and get over myself. WTF? All because I don't feel comfortable talking to her about certain things? I've only talked to 4 people about my 'issues' and each one of those people had to earn my trust over a time of many many months to years.
She has proven to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she can't be that type of 'friend' she claims she wants to be. She's not someone I'm going to confide in. She was lucky I was giving her a chance at being a 'surface level friend' with as annoying as she was. She's not one who I''ll go to for support or advice. Those friends I can depend on for those things dont' talk behind my back. They don't say mean things. They realize they may not understand but don't make fun of me for what they can't understand. They let me be when I need to be and give me S P A C E.
She needs to give me space.
I feel guilty though for feeling this way.
Am I making a bigger deal about it than it is?
|
|
| What Is Wrong With Me?!?!?!?! |
[09 Dec 2009|01:22pm] |
I've never let anyone know half the stuff I deal with inside my head. I don't know if it's really safe to.
I can't get certain things out of my head. I don't even know how to go about explaining them. My mind makes people be here when they're not here. People I know mostly, only sometimes do I not know who they are. I don't know when this started. It's been going on for such a long time. Maybe I got so lonely that my mind couldn't stand being alone and it brought them here. But they're not here. Because they're somewhere else. They aren't really here, though they are real people. (Does that make sense) But I can't get them out of my mind and I have to continuously remind myself they aren't here. I'll carry on full conversations with them. I have to say 'you're alone, you're alone, you're alone' or 'they're not really here, they're not really here" over and over again sometimes. I can't do simple things like getting dressed without taking the time to try to convince myself that I'm really alone. I can't do anything I want to do during the day because I feel like I'm supposed to be acknowledging them. I can't even watch the tv shows I want to watch. Even though I think Bad Girls Club is a hilarious show and the people are funny to watch because it's just stupid and dramatic, I can't watch it because it's immoral and perverse and I shouldn't watch it, because I'm afraid 'they'll ' think bad of me. (that's just crazy I know). I don't necessarily visually see these people. I can picture them in my mind but it's not like I can see them sitting on my couch.. I don't even see an 'apparition' of them or whatever. But they're there. Maybe it's not until I think about whether or not they're there that I realize I don't see them.. maybe before I go to think about it, I do see them. I have no idea.
I've had hallucinations before though. But they aren't like this at all. They were mainly at night and very scary.. and I saw things.. though there was some audible hallucinations and also so very strong feelings... like I couldn't really tell if I was seeing something, but I knew it was there, because I knew how 'he' was.. I knew 'he' didn't always have to show himself in order to be present.
Those hallucinations have ceased for now, at least for the most part. I sometimes don't know if it's my eyes playing tricks on me or if they're coming back, but lately, I've started to see some hallucinations again. They're completely different from the people in my mind. Sometimes it's just random shapes passing through my vision, sometimes it's animals, or the outlines of people... but it's nothing that I can name.
I don't know if any of what I've said has made a bit of sense, and I've not been able to explain everything, and what I did explain probably isn't explained correctly.
I just feel like I'm going crazy.. these things are driving me mad.. I can't stand this all any longer.
|
|
| My Recovery From SI |
[08 Dec 2009|04:35pm] |
I'm at a standstill. I feel like I've hit a wall. A wall in recovering. In healing. I don't know my next move. I need movement though. I need to know I'm not just standing still. I need movement and change so bad that I'm sometimes tempted to fall back just to feel some sort of movement. But backwards isn't the best way to go. That's why it's crucial I figure out my next move.
When I first made my decision to quit cutting there was a bit of excitement in knowing I was making a decision to change for the better. The excitement provided momentum. In the beginning of my journey in healing, it was filled with 'epiphany' type moments. Those moments provided a change in my ways of thinking, which I believe is one of the most important aspects of recovery. But now, I feel as though I'm becoming apathetic to this all.
I need to know my next move. At first, it was getting to the week marker of being SI free. Then it was the month marker I was shooting for. Then two months. Then 66 days (which was the longest I've gone without SI in over 4 years, and that marker was this past Sunday). Now what? What's my next goal? I feel like time is chasing after me, or I'm chasing after it.
For a while I couldn't figure this all out. Why am I quitting? Am I quitting for time? To say that I went X amount of days without? What does that get me? Why quit anyway?
( A bit long, and mentions God so I decided to LJ cut it. )
Right when I think I have some things figured out, I realize I don't really know much at all.
I'm faced with not knowing what to do next. I feel like I need a new goal for an amount of time to shoot for. I need that measurement that time provides. Each day I defeat thoughts of SI is something to celebrate, but it's those bigger goals that I can look at and say "I never thought I could go that long, and I actually did" and that gives me reaffirmation, that is greatly needed at times, that I can actually do this.
What should my next goal be? 90 days? And how much of an accomplishment should I view it as? At what point in time does it call for a greater amount of celebration? Should I feel the least bit proud of myself for not cutting? Ah, I have no idea how I"m supposed to feel.
Sorry this was so long.. I had a lot to say.. and still do.. but I will stop now.
|
|
| pressing on... |
[06 Dec 2009|12:57am] |
i'm starting to get very lonely here
i'm tired of the fact that i have no friends in this city
and that all of my other friends have forgotten about me
i wish i had someone i could talk to in person
the season has been getting to me
and lately it's been too much effort to text anyone
and to cry most days
i'm getting more hopeless
about this life having no meaning
or purpose
or future (that really matters)
and my fascination of wanting to know more
wishing i could have been there
or seen it
or knew what people were thinking
with suicides, or murders (<-mostly the Columbine shootings and the 15 yr old girl who recently killed the 9 yr old)
is becoming more morbid
i think i'm starting to skew my reality a bit more now
making my lies seem more realistic
having trouble figuring out what is real
and what i told myself to believe
i'm getting more lost in this darkness
with no one in sight to help me figure it out
|
|
| Sunday Sunday Sunday |
[04 Dec 2009|01:50pm] |
Sunday will mark 66 days SI free.
(okay, so I *think* it's 66, I never know which days to count. Do you count the day you're on or not? October 1st was my first full day without SI, the day before I made the decision to quit. Plus, I like the fact that day 1 was the first of the month.. it should make it easier to keep up with, but obviously not for me since I apparently don't know how to count. So maybe someone can help me figure up the amount of days.)
The last time I tried to quit I stopped on March 1st and relapsed May 5th. (that's 65 days right?) If I can make it to Sunday without cutting, that will be the longest I've gone SI free in over 4 years. I don't feel proud honestly. I suppose that maybe I should have some sense of pride for accomplishing that (if I do), but I just don't.
I will be having lunch/diner/break with a friend. It'll just be a short meeting, maybe 30 min. at most because she's meeting me in between shows. She knows I'm trying to quit. I've only talked to 3 people total about me trying to quit this time. (I just typed out what I was going to say but realized it gets really confusing referring to people as 'that friend' and the 'other one' and the 'other, other one"... So I'm going to assign them letters LOL) Friend A didn't respond to the email I sent her. Person H, I've talked to about it before but I didn't want to talk to her about it, she was just there when I was talking to friend K.
Friend K is a saint... she has taken time out of her schedule to sit and talk with me on her breaks between shows at her job. I trust her completely and she's the only person I feel comfortable talking to who will talk to me. But I don't want to put too much on her. I don't want to always be the friend who has problems, who requires so much patience, whose problems she has to listen to regardless of whether she wants to or not. So I'm kind of worried about Sunday's meeting. She knows it's the day that marks the longest I've gone, but as much as I'd like to talk about that SOME, I find myself wanting to retreat from that and ignore it. I'm starting to feel as if I'd rather have never told anyone anything, and I'm not exactly sure why.
I really wish friend A would talk to me about stuff. I know she has the ability to understand me in a way that friend K can't. Friend A has been there, I suppose you could say. She has always told me that she would like for us to sit down face to face and talk, but it seems to never happen. It really disappointed me that she didn't respond to my last 2 message (one was about quitting SI, the other was just to say Hi and that I'm glad that I got to know her and that she's here and alive). It's frustrating when you feel like talking to a certain person could be very beneficial to you, and yet the talk doesn't seem to be happening.
Person H is getting under my skin. Firstly, she's much older than me, she's too pushy and aggressive, she tells me the same things ALL the time, and I don't want to talk to her about my "Bipolar Business" (that's what I refer to my moods, episodes, issues as LOL I don't use Bipolar as a scapegoat, something to place the blame on, it's just easier to refer to things as that when blogging). I feel guilty for getting annoyed with her, but I seriously am.
So, this blog is too long and I didn't even write about the main things I was going to... I guess I'll do that at another time.
P.S. If anything in here was triggering, I'm sorry. I haven't figure out how to do that LJ cut thingy where you hide stuff. I'm newish and slow at learning. I think this is my first time posting here as well.
|
|
| Thank You! |
[17 Nov 2009|01:00pm] |
|
I just wanted to give everyone a big thank you for the great response on the documentary series that I'm working on! It's very inspiring! Feel free to e-mail me if you want more information!
|
|
| May Interest You |
[10 Nov 2009|11:45am] |
Hi everyone,
I'm working on a new documentary series that will focus on women between the ages of 18 and 28 struggling with difficult issues like eating disorders, self harm, and intimacy issues. Let me know if you're interested or if you have any questions! Feel free to message me or e-mail me directly at kellylafer@gmail.com
Thanks!
- Kelly
|
|
| i need help |
[01 Nov 2009|09:22pm] |
i need help from you guys, who here has done anti-depressants?
specifically, who has been on celexa?
should i do it? i am terrified of trying medication because of the side effects. please give me a review, advice, or something.
and i hope you all are okay out there. <3
|
|
| This May Interest You |
[27 Oct 2009|06:21pm] |
I'm working on a documentary series that will focus on women ages 18-27 struggling with complex issues like eating disorders and self abuse. If you're interested or want to learn more, feel free to e-mail me: kellylafer@gmail.com. I'd be happy to answer any questions! - Kelly
|
|
|
[02 Oct 2009|08:04pm] |
I don't even know what to do anymore.
I'm a junior in high school, and I can't even think about life after I graduate without having to hold back tears. I just lost my two best friends, and the only close friend I had left I barely get to see.
Cutting doesn't do shit for me anymore. It never gave me the high that it does for some people, but it gave me something to focus on long enough that I could calm down, get my thoughts under control, and stop thinking about whatever was upsetting me until I was calm enough to handle it. Now it doesn't even do that.
I'm in a constant state of panic, always on the verge of tears, and everything sets me off.
On top of it all, my dad is getting out of prison in November or January. In November, I turn seventeen. He'll be back, and I can barely keep myself together as it is. I can't deal with the chaos his presence will unleash within me, and in my home. But I don't have a job, or a car, or my permit, so I can't even try and get emancipated.
I'm starting to be suicidal again, and that terrifies me. I know enough now that the chances of being successful are high. All I can think of is escaping my thoughts. I'm afraid that I'll start using drugs or drinking to shut my head down, and problems like that run in my family. So does depression, on the other side.
I don't know what to do.
|
|
|
[28 Sep 2009|06:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
I hate what cutting does but at the same time I like it..
I've been cutting so much lately I'm driving myself crazy
and I juss have been so down on myself lately!
I feel so worthless and ugly and juss like everything is wrong with me!
I hate feeling like this but idk how to help it..
I juss feel so depressed..I wanna be happy for once and have a cutting free life
I wanna be normal..
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
_knowyoulive
devious