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It's been awhile... [18 Sep 2015|11:29pm]

It's been at least 5 years since I've even been on live journal, but this community used to be such a huge help to me. It's also probably been around 5 years since I last self injured and I didn't think it would be a problem for me anymore. I don't know what's gotten in to me, but recently I've been so anxious and depressed and none of my coping skills are working. In the back of my mind I always think about self injuring again because it always helped so much before. I don't know if anyone still goes on this community or if anyone else has experienced anything like this, but is there anyone else who is going through self injurious thoughts again after stopping for awhile? I just feel like I would be such a huge disappointment if I slipped up and do it again, but if the anti-depressants I just started don't work, I can't think of anything else that I haven't tried :/
We'll Always Be Alive

Wow7years [19 Jan 2015|08:32pm]

I can't believe I'm posting on here again. I haven't cut in 7 years. I thought I was over this. But I am so triggered right now and this is basically my last resort. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like my brain got rewired again over the past few days. I feel like I have nothing to hold on to to keep me from giving in. I'm just sitting here with a pair of scissors wanting so badly to feel better :(
[1] We'll Always Be Alive

[17 Jun 2014|12:31pm]


It's been a solid 9 months since the last time I cut.
And it's still a battle every day.
And I'm still very, very afraid of losing control, and liking it.

[3] We'll Always Be Alive

Newbie [29 Dec 2013|12:42am]

[ mood | Nervous ]

Hey folks, I'm new to your community and I just wanted to introduce myself.
Hello KittyCollapse )

I'm 31, UK, on Disability due to my mental and physical ill-health (former Senior ICU Researcher/Educator)

I've been self harming since I was 8 years old, the only things that have changed are the frequency and the methods.
Triggering - Mentions methods of SHCollapse )

I've had many labels placed upon my head, Complex-PTSD, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, severe depression, complex-anxiety disorder, and most recently borderline personality disorder (although this is currently being disputed within my psych team - between BPD vs Bipolar II or SH being part of my C-PTSD).

Following the questionable BPD diagnosis I was put onto the local DBT program (the 'gold standard'), only this was their first time running it, and man it was intense! And I no faith what so ever in my individual therapist. I'd be threatened that if I decided to leave the program I wouldn't be able to go back to my previously level of support (weekly psych nurse & dietitian, quarterly psychiatrist), but the people running the program wouldn't listen to my concerns about misdiagnosis, or a worsening of my physical health, so being back into a corner I felt I had no choice but to quit (and I've never quit a treatment before). They went through with the threat, so currently I'm going it alone :s

And needless to say it's not going well!!

Anywho that is waaaaaaaaaay too much talk about myself! If anyone ever fancies a chat please feel free to get in touch or add me.

Stay strong & safe folks x x x
[2] We'll Always Be Alive

Introduction. [15 Dec 2013|06:13pm]

I'm new to this community so just wanted to do a small introduction of myself.
I have struggled with cutting and burning for most of my life, although I have managed to not do either in almost a year, I have however had some very triggering moments lately. Most of the triggering moments happen when I am fighting with my girlfriend, pretty much, I hate feeling out of control of a situation. I have not been diagnosed, but I am pretty sure I am one of two things, bipolar or borderline. Not having been diagnosed, I am not being medicated either. Not that I agree with relying on medications to get you through life, I think it's about 60% just trying to control yourself mentally. Music, writing and talking to someone you trust is a good way to distract yourself from taking the step to SI. I have come a long way from where I once was and I am here if anyone wants to talk..
[2] We'll Always Be Alive

hheeeeyyy guys [26 Nov 2013|02:03am]

how's it going? how's everyone holding up these days?
[3] We'll Always Be Alive

So, how does this work? [25 Oct 2013|09:09pm]


A new relationship; a fresh start.
Someone who makes me laugh, constantly.
Someone who enjoys spending time with me. Someone who makes me smile for the first time in a long time.

Someone who tells me I'm beautiful. And I want to believe him. I really do.
But how can I? I feel ugly.
My scars...how do I even begin?

How do I tell him that, up until two months ago, cutting was such a huge part of my life?
He saw the scar on my thigh, blurred and morphed from cutting over the same spot for so long. He asked what the mark was....I brushed him off.
I want to tell him that it's the same as the scars on my arm. Maybe he's assumed by now.
I want to open up to him. But I don't want him to run away.

I don't want to lose what I've found.

[1] We'll Always Be Alive

Short Message - Reaching out back [14 Jul 2012|11:00pm]

[ mood | worried ]

If you're anything like me, and you get down on yourself and cut, I think you need to see this in yourself. I see it in me, and I think it really is, deeply, about SI.

Think you don't care? You care a lot.
That you do makes you cut.
That you don't (when and *if* you don't - ? -) makes you cut.
You cut too much.
Yo! Accidents happen!
You are not that horrible a person. I think cutters kinda dislike themselves intensely, maybe even hate?
Pain is not as sweet as love.
Try for love.
Always, and why ever give up on what you want so dearly? Because you worry you won't find it? You definitely won't if you *do* give up...


Another day, another message.

Listen, guys. I think I understand us. Why we need to bleed. Why, even those of us who try to stop SH still see red. No matter how hard we try.
We believe it makes things right. Better.
All it does is keep our sorrow to our scars, and we're all "Oh, it helps... - " when we're dying inside.
We might just be fooling ourselves.

Me? Yes I believe it helps, and haven't even really quit to be honest. But I might just not want to see that so ot fguius
other, as I was saying, things might help just as much, or better?

[1] We'll Always Be Alive

A List To Keep In Mind [06 Jun 2012|09:33pm]

The path that starts with danger and ends with murder. The murder of myself that is. The path I feel like I want to take. It didn't start out like this. I wasn't suicidal all my life. Till about 12 I was all right.
So since I know the memories I keep are so biased and bent on being the negative ones, maybe I should try and remember the good ones. Take a tour of what makes life worth living, if you will. Here's to all of us:

In no particular order:

1. Waking up to the Cristhmas tree as a kid, the year with the best present you got.
2. Finding your first friend ever.
3. Getting *that* CD.
4. Coming out of a movie with your jaw trailing on the floor.
5. Not being afraid of the dark anymore.
6. The first time you talked back to a teacher. They deserved it ;)
7. Seeing somebody read your favourite boook.
8. Stewie on Family Guy.
9. Nature
10. Hoping Love Can Still Knock On Your Door One Day.

Hope you are all ok! And no, I'm not off to SI I'm ok, it's just that I'm an addict and it has taken over my life, and I literally do nothing all day, and am sick of it. Half the time. So I don't get help because the other half I am ok with it. Like now.

- Darcy_Blythe

ps: (I hope we're allowed to post these, tell me if not, just doing a friend a favour.. Hey guys ake a look at this!


Wonderful Goth contest! Vote for my friend please? Thank you!)
[1] We'll Always Be Alive

Dream World [03 Jun 2012|08:57am]

[ mood | aggravated ]

I always live in this dream world were all this pain goes away. I  hate feeling so sad and alone so in this dream world of mine people love me I'm succesful and i'm fun and happy the world is mine. I would rather stay locked in my mind to keep dealing with reality I know i can't do that forever but I have no friends like me and no one to really care for me. How do I get out of this how do I met people to care for and vice versa how do I kick this habit because when i can't run to my dream world i become sad and take on si behavior.

[6] We'll Always Be Alive

Research Study- Share your Experience If You Cut [29 May 2012|06:47pm]


Have you intentionally cut yourself in the last 30 days? We invite you to share your experience by participating in a short online study. The purpose of this research is to examine health factors related to self-injury. The results from this study are completely confidential and cannot be linked to your identity, and all procedures have been approved under the ethical guidelines set by the APA. 

You must have intentionally cut yourself in the last 30 days and be 18 years of age or older to participate in this study. 

If you are interested in contributing to this research, please visit:


If you have any questions, please email Tatyana Kholodkov at tkholodk@uwyo.edu or Dr. Carolyn Pepper at cpepper@uwyo.edu

Thank you for your time!

We'll Always Be Alive

Something New [28 May 2012|11:54pm]

[ mood | enthralled ]

I"m not sure if this is healthy, but it sure does make me happyCollapse )

[2] We'll Always Be Alive

I'm Back [27 May 2012|05:00pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

Most of you won't know me. I'm Beka and I joined this community a long time ago when I first started a LJ account and after "recovering" and deleting all my posts/LJ info, I've now relapsed and I'm back again. When will it end?
I guess I should say a general 'Hi' to everyone here now. I look forward to slowly getting to know each of you. This community helped me a lot back when I needed it and I hope I can get the same sort of help now. Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone out there hears your cries.

Introducing: Me.Collapse )

Thanks for reading.

[5] We'll Always Be Alive

need sleep. [25 May 2012|01:44am]

I started smoking butts again to replace si, but I think that's worse now that I'm into this cycle. Si is way better to my physical body than smoking Marbs is. I cant fight this urge away. It hasn't been one day without si. I am keeping positive, though.

I am so tired that I just dropped my kindle out of my hands. Really, there will be a real post soon.
[1] We'll Always Be Alive

Volunteers Needed for a Research Study on Self-Injury [19 May 2012|02:53pm]


Do you deliberately injure yourself or have a history of self harm? We invite you to share your experience by participating in a quick online study to learn more about people’s experience with self-injury. The purpose of this research is to understand factors associated with self-injury. The results from this study are completely confidential and cannot be linked to your identity, and all procedures have been approved under the ethical guidelines set by the APA.

You must have a history of intentional self-harm/ self-injury/ self-mutilation, and be 18 years of age or older to participate in this study. 

If you are interested in contributing to this research, please visit: 


If you have any questions, please email Tatyana Kholodkov at tkholodk@uwyo.edu or Dr. Carolyn Pepper at cpepper@uwyo.edu

Thank you for your time!

[2] We'll Always Be Alive

[18 Mar 2012|05:13pm]

it's been years, about five now. the severe addiction and sick relationship i had with the razor blade had faded with age, i didn't have the urge to even do it anymore. maybe i found other things, or maybe i just got tired of hiding it. maybe it had to do with becoming a mother at 19. maybe i had to prove to myself that i'm stronger than that.

my brain is wired differently than most people. when i experience pain, any kind, wanted or unwanted, i feel the pain like a shoking wave of freezing water and i can't help but get high from it. i could be crying and screaming in pain but there will always be the other side of me riding the high. i'm not sure if that's the reason i started cutting, maybe in the back of my mind it was. it always surprises me how bright red my blood really is.

my husband and i had a fight today. it was stupid. but lately i've been feeling so angry and sad because i'm having more and more of a realization that i'm just not a happy person. i guess i think too much. but i don't believe no matter what my life, because it's pretty great right now, i will always be so goddamn sad.

i have eight blood lines on my side, above my tummy. i picked that spot because it is the easiest to hide it. i feel odd. i feel weird. i feel pain. i feel like i want to die, but i feel too scared to even try. i don't want to die anyway. i just cannot escape who i really am anymore.

the anxiety of knowing eventually i'm going to have to be naked in front of my husband is all i can think about now. i have no idea where he is or when he is coming back. i have no idea how to explain myself. i thought i grew out of this. i am a slave to the compulsions of my brain. all i can do is look out the window and grow quiet. nothing can comfort me now, because now i know i am truly alone. there is no one for me when he's gone. and i just pushed him away. and i don't know why. i started to go on a walk but i had no where to go. i have no family outside of my own little one. i have too many responsibilities and people depending on me that if i fall apart, the entire universe crumbles beneath me.

there is nothing to be done. it is what it is. i will have to explain myself and maybe the tears won't come. maybe they will. i'm too close to my sanity folding in on itself and i cannot speak.
[3] We'll Always Be Alive

[30 Dec 2011|02:30pm]

Caution, contents may be triggeringCollapse )
[3] We'll Always Be Alive

[23 Nov 2011|03:08am]

What am I doing? All the wrong things. No motivation in the morning to get up, I get up in the late afternoon, do nothing but watch TV, drink and get high and go to sleep at dawn, don't change either behaviour or my attitude and could do this forever living off my parents this way. Despicable, in some people's eyes, I'm sure.

I feel sick at myself, yes, and still harming but really, it's seeing how it's all part of the same big attitude that brought me back here.

It's a self-destructive, selfish, pathetic depressed/drama-queen act and many other things, and could very well end this way. That will have been my life.

Why am I sabotaging myself?

I have nothing to be proud of. I can't die someone I don't want to be. But I DON'T ENJOY LIFE ANYMORE OR WITHOUT THOSE THINGS. I HATE EVERYTHING ELSE. EXCEPT CATS??!! Or random acts of kindness to strangers, and small donations here and there, if I can.

Everything else is a chore. Sometimes art happens. And that is the only silver lining because that truly makes me happy, it can be bliss when you're happy with the outcome, dare I say proud?

I think I'm a horrible person. I'm too comfortable in my life to change, aren't I? It's just gotten too easy for me. I have no responsibilities and no drive. Dreams, yes. Change, don't change, change, don't change, or just who cares and see if it goes away on its own? That's it, wait and see.

*laughs* I don't even mean it. Quit drugs and alcohol? Stop cutting when it's so poetic? Swear never to kill myself? Yeah right.

What if I fell in love? Would that bring enough poetry into my life for me to at least *feel* less like life's my only problem even without fixing the problems? Or could love actually fix something?

Coz there are problems. Mental/emotional stuff, past stuff, loads of feelings... but I need them. The intense "OMG what a life!" sensation, and it only comes when bad things make me crack. So I revisit the bad plenty. So even if love could fix those, I might not want it to.
[7] We'll Always Be Alive

[07 Nov 2011|09:26pm]

I know about the detachment...the loneliness. then the numbness. the constant ache that comes next. I know about the days where you can not force your legs to swing over the edge of the bed because the inside of you is encompassed in such emptyness and sorrow. And the nights where you either can't sleep because of the the racing thoughts or because of the nightmares that take up residence where sleep once slept. My wrists have marked the time of every such occasion. I am diagnosed with PTSD, Severe depression, anxiety and military sexual trauma. I picked up my razor and began my relationship with it a year to the day after I was raped while serving in the military. I needed an out for and in. I use it as an escape to release the blame, self loathing, guilt, pain, frustration, anger, and victimization I feel. mostly I use it as a form of control. I control the pain. how much pain, and when to stop the pain. I see my blood and I know i survived. To this very day..9 years later. Now all of this self harm just recently came to light in one of my therapy sessions as my therapist saw all the scars and some fresh cuts on my wrists...that I have hidden for 9 years...that's a long time...but i take it one day at a time. I can see myself in a lot of posts here and I am glad to have found this.
[5] We'll Always Be Alive

I feel pathetic. [02 Oct 2011|11:17pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

I really honestly do. I'm not entirely sure why.
It's been a long time since I've posted in here.
I went nearly a year without cutting, right? And it was amazing. I was happy. Everything seemed to be going very well for me in my life. Then suddenly, my friends started leaving me. For other people. People who were "more fun". People who weren't "crazy". People who didn't have emotional mood swings every other day.

I started contemplating therapy. It seemed like the right thing to do. Researching therapists, I was all gung-ho on this idea. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I decided it's a bad thing. I don't want to go to a "crazy home" (as my mom calls it). I don't want to have to explain to my mom that oh hey by the way I'm a cutter, I lied to you all these years about it. I don't want to have to explain to my work that oh hey, by the way, I just wanna die so you can replace me with someone else now.

So what set me off to cut? Two entirely different unrelated things. The more... pressing, was the 4th of July. I was supposed to go to the fireworks with a bunch of my friends. But suddenly! Everyone decided they were going to go with someone else. My former best friend invited everyone to go with her, she had the almighty ~alcohol~. And I didn't. And then I really saw who my real friends were. And that was no one. I felt so alone. I didn't know who to reach out to, I didn't want people to see me as being an attention seeker because I was crying again. And going to the fireworks alone, it made me feel uneasy and awkward, I felt like everyone was watching me, and it set me off into a massive panic attack. I couldn't handle it.

The other reason has a semi-long story behind it. There was this guy, I fell for him. He was telling me how beautiful I was, how perfect I was. The only thing that stood between us was his girlfriend of 4 years, the one he told me he didn't love. It felt like a fairytale, even though I knew I was setting myself up for disaster. I let myself get wrapped up into this emotional train wreck with him. I asked him to go to the fireworks with me, and he said he couldn't. Completely understandable, he had a girlfriend. Close to the end of the fireworks display, I got a text message. "I'm sorry. I'm choosing her. She's better than you, I'm sorry I lied to you."

Fireworks over. I got in my car. Drove home. Didn't shed a tear. Walked straight up to my room. And cut.

And ever since then, I keep doing it. I've been about two weeks clean, but I'm starting to feel uneasy again. I'm not sure how to not cut. I'm not sure how to let my feelings out. Writing, singing, being with friends, none of this helps. I can't go to a therapist. I can't have someone prodding in my life, and then sending me off to a crisis center, I won't be able to explain that to anyone. My anxiety is rising again, and things just don't seem normal to me anymore. I don't know what to do guys. I feel like I'm running out of fuel, out of life.

[2] We'll Always Be Alive

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