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26 July 2008 @ 09:30 pm
 
One of my really good friends was hit by a car yesterday morning while riding his bike. They pronounced him dead a little after he got to MY FUCKING WORK! I didn't even know he was there until I get a phone call from a friend saying he was in the emergency room. As soon as I got the phone call I got the worst feeling in my stomach so I went to check the board, I didn't see his name anywhere. I did see a trauma name with the comment "Auto vs. Bicycle. ETD 0909", but the main charge nurse wasn't around so I couldn't ask for a description of the guy. I wasn't about to go into the trauma room to see if it was him because I just knew it was. About 20 minutes later I see his parents, his mom was crying. After that I fucking lost it & had to go to the back room. About 10 mins later one of my coworkers came to get me because his parents wanted to talk to me. Hardest thing ever trying to talk to them without crying. They wanted me to call Johnny (he's been his best friend since they were 4 years old), that had to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I made sure to call his(Johnny) girlfriend first so she could go comfort him as much as she could. All of this still doesn't feel real. I don't even want to go back to work, but I'm going to try to tomorrow. blah.

A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
 
 
Current Mood: indescribable
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 10:23 pm
 


How To Cuddle  I'm in that kind of mood tonight!!1
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 10:20 pm
Chocolate Martini  


I had a choclate Martini'sChocolate Martini
 
 
27 July 2008 @ 04:13 pm
 
Remind me why I wanted a cat again? Damned thing just puked all over a library book and my carpet!
 
 
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: Ads on C4.
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 09:59 pm
Mascot  
I got my 1st & 2nd Tour as a mascot.
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 09:09 pm
Ramble ramble ramble  
Angie is all moved in now. It was a flurry of a day. I mostly helped by entertaining Angie's family members whenever they took breaks from the heavy lifting. ;)

Somehow I pretended to myself that Angie's move-in day was a good enough reason to throw all my eating rules out the window and eat like crap. Tomorrow, we get back to business again. But tonight, we sought out places on this side of town that deliver food and ordered from a new-to-us place. My food was super yummy. Dave got pizza and it was only so-so. But their menu excites me - lots of traditional Italian/Sicilian stuff, and some things I can't find in other places around here. So I plan to order from them more and try out a few things. I'm really picky about marinara sauces because my family has this excellent homemade recipe and not much lives up to that standard. But I actually enjoyed the marinara sauce that came with my apps (fried zucchinis, fried eggplants, and fries), so that's exciting. They have other yummy dipping sauces, too. I tried one that's oil and garlic and red pepper and pepperoncinis and I'm not sure what all else - but it was yummy.

Dave and I ran some errands today: returned the keys to the old place, got some groceries, dropped some stuff off at Vinny's, Walgreens run, etc.
There were a LOT of garage sales all over town and I wanted to stop so bad, but Dave said no. Maybe I can get someone else to take me rummage saling sometime soon. To get the good stuff, you have to get up in the morning hours, though, and that's not my most favorite thing to do.

Other things I got done today: cleaned the bathroom, organized some massive piles of papers (I'm not much of a hoarder in general, but I have trouble throwing out old papers like bills and bank statements and medical stuff) that I packed up with me but which I really need to downsize if I want to fit it into my filing cabinet and the two plastic file totes I have, and cleaned out our microwave to make way for Angie's (hers is bigger, so ours is going in storage).

Last night we started working on training Cleo not to go into Angie's room. She was hilariously stubborn about heading right for it every time we let her out of the bedroom. Every time, we'd stop her and say no firmly and divert her to some other area of the apartment. Eventually, we put up something that blocked her way but was easy enough to move aside so people could go in and out. Her eyesight isn't that good these days, so she wasn't about to attempt jumping over it. Hopefully that continues to divert her until either a) we can train her to stop trying to go in or b) we come up with a better solution.

Also, last night, I managed to get Dave to sit and watch all four Big Brother episodes on the DVR with me! Now we're all caught up, and since we have Showtime back, I can watch After Dark! Yay!

Right now, it feels like the apartment is just bookshelves and chairs all piled on top of one another. Which is kinda true. But I know we'll sort it all out soon and make it work. [Do you hear that OCD?! It will work. Be patient. :P]

Oh! I got rid of all my boxes and bags of packing paper yesterday. Ended up with two different visits, both from LJ people who seemed very nice. I think I sort of pressured the second person into taking all the boxes, even though she only really wanted the small ones. She said she knew other people who were moving who might need them, so hopefully they won't go to waste!

I'm still doing a lot of "this can go there for now - just for now" reassurances to myself in order to at least find temporary homes for things when I don't have the energy to do all the work involved with completing a task all at once. I am slowing down a little more each day, I think. Which is okay. I'm still getting a lot done.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll go sit in the hot tub again. I want to get into a routine of doing that at least 2-3 times a week and since we've moved in, I've only gone the one time so far. I'm finding it generally difficult to get into any kind of routine right now. Life still feels so strange and up in the air - like I'm on vacation or something. But I have to start getting into a normal schedule and such soon. I don't function well without a lot of boundaries and structure. Of course, they also have to be self-imposed boundaries and structure or I rebel against them. Sometimes I rebel against my own rules and regulations, too, but at least I go back to them after a day or so.

I don't know why I keep rambling on. I think I just still feel keyed up from all of the activity all day and everyone else in the house (cat included) have calmed down and settled in for the night and I'm still all hyper and needing to talk. So, hello LJ! Listen to me ramble!
Actually, it's more than just today's activity. I've been crazy active for weeks on end now, and I've finally hit a point where I don't have to be anymore and I think it's freaking me out. There's still a lot left to do, but no more days where I have to get up early and do specific things at specific times or whatever. It's all just a matter of getting things done when and how I'm able to, and it wouldn't kill me to just stop for awhile even. And my whole being is like "WTF?!" But ... we're supercharged and ready to go! I'm still going to keep taking advantage of that as long as I can, but I think I'm just in a little bit of a mental mix-up about what's required of my body now.

Half hour to go before meds time. Maybe I should go make friends with the sofa and try and get situated so the meds can work their magic quicker once it is time to take them and calm down. Okay: message to brain and body - the day is done. Nothing to do until we wake up tomorrow. No, this doesn't mean to stay up all night making lists of things to do tomorrow. We already have the lists. We've rewritten the lists every day for the past few weeks and the most recent list is still valid and nothing new needs to be added. Except to remember to order meds. But we can do that without making a whole new list. Seriously. A whole new list is not necessary for one little thing. Relax. You have lots of TVs to watch and nothing else to do until tomorrow. And you can sleep in tomorrow, even. No rush on anything. You could take tomorrow off if you wanted to. You don't have to, but you could. That's how not-rushed we are right now. So calm down. Okay? Okay. Maybe. Try. Just try. Okay.
Twenty minutes until meds time. Is there some button to turn me off? *spins around trying see back of self* Hmmm. Oh, I know. How about deep breaths?! That works sometimes. Okay, sofa, television, deep breaths. NO PAPER AND PEN ALLOWED. No Lists. Not tonight. I swear to Isis if you start making lists I will ... do something you don't like. Except I'm you, and I wouldn't like it either, and that's not fair.
Seriously, who gave me caffeine today? Maybe I should sort through some more boxes just to get some more energy out of my system. Except that I'm exhausted and this is all just fumes. Hyper, tense, crazy fumes.
Fifteen minutes until meds time. I wonder if I can ramble here until ten? The cat is out! I bet if she joins me on the sofa with the deep breaths, I can calm down for real. Maybe I should try that. A snuggly cat is one thing that always get me to calm down. Hope she's feeling snuggly!

Proofread my post (yes, believe it or not I do that and still end up with all the typos!) and killed some more time. Five minutes until meds time now. And it'll take that long to shut down the computer and get my meds and settle in. So ... I've done it. I've killed time. Now to see if I can my body to relax after taking the meds. Woot.
 
 
Current Mood: busy
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 10:04 pm
Im sorry...  
Im sorry Im not cheerful enough for you and can't bring myself to feel happy over your stupid crap. Im sorry i can't pretend Im ok when Im not.

You want me to pretend ok, fine, my life is perfect and i have everything i could ever want. I never think of how easy it would be to kill myself right now or how good it would feel to just let go. That good enough for you? Fuck you for thinking that I should pretend to be happy so I don't bum you out.

Fuck you for not being able to stand to hear my begging for someone to help me when I've told you how much i wish i were dead. Fuck you for not being there when I needed a friend to talk to about this and most of all Fuck You for telling me Im not worth it with your actions.
 
 
Current Mood: crushed
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 09:07 pm
 
BLT, shared with Trid
Shared BLT

19.07.08 )

Huevos Rancheros from the Dandelion Eatery for Donny's birthday
Huevos Rancheros

20.07.08 )

BLT on rye
BLT on rye

21.07.08 )
 
 
Current Mood: hot
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 09:26 pm
 
so i'm watching disney's 'peter pan' on abc.

y'know something? that movie would never be made now ... with all of today's political correctness, this movie would be considered racist. i'm actually surprised it hasn't been banned anyway.





(ps ... the 'go me' icon has nothing to do with my post ... it's just the only tinkerbell icon i had LOL)
 
 
Current Mood: contemplative
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 08:32 pm
 
you know what's depressing? seeing the new 'fall fashion' ads. just a reminder that cold weather is coming up wayyyyyy too quickly!
 
 
Current Mood: depressed
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 07:15 pm
 
Cut is done. Thanks to those who weighed in.

To those who are gone, all the best and I'm sorry it didn't work out.

To those who are staying, glad you're still aboard. :)


(Also, a big happy birthday to Pooker! Hope he's having a great day!)
 
 
Current Mood: pleased
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 07:09 pm
X-Files: I Want to Believe  
It was good, but not great.

X-Files )
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: pensive
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 04:38 pm
a note of some importance.  
I'm back.

vacation was fine enough, I may not be around much tomorrow, but I'll be here for the next couple of hours at least and people should aim me because I'm all lonely.

also, I saw the dark knight.
(note: ZOMG! ZOMG! and where are the screencaps?!)

hi, everybody.
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 10:04 am
welcome to teh crazy  
ComicCon on Saturday. Truly the most insane event on the face of the planet.

The line for the Heroes panel had people camping out (not just creepy Twilight fans) and was apparently wrapped around the back of the building by 6am this morning. By 9 it was all the way down the block past the hotels. I hope these people dont actually think they'll be getting into Heroes or Lost. I'll be catching it on YouTube.

I am, however, camped out in 20 for the 1pm Dollhouse panel, followed by BSG, Chuck and Fringe. Good times. :D

Futurama should be starting v. soon.

b
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 12:37 pm
 
happy birthday [info]whitedove1!!!

 
 
Current Mood: happy
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 12:34 pm
 
oh yeah ... and driving home from work yesterday, i saw the gas has dropped to $3.86. amazing!

what really sucks is that we get so damn excited over it!
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 01:27 pm
X-Files movie!  
A small mob of us went to see the new X-Files movie, I Want to Believe, last night. I went in with basically no expectations; I was really looking forward to seeing Mulder and Scully back on screen together, but given how deeply bitter I am about the way the show went, I refused to get my hopes up too high. (Which didn't keep me from fidgeting and being excited, if that makes any sense. I adore Mulder and Scully so much that even the idea of seeing them again made me ridiculously happy.) It was a little funny, though, because the friends I went with included two who are very into David Duchovny, while I'm a much bigger fan of Gillian Anderson. (We also had [info]bosonator, who's now seen...the two episodes we showed him, and about six episodes from season one. He was very into it, though. ^_^)

[Time out here to pass on a link I got from both [info]coastal_spirit and [info]musesfool: "Scully Have I Loved", an excellent essay/retrospective. I read this before seeing the movie, and it also made me ridiculously happy.]

This isn't a unified review, just some assorted thoughts. First, non-spoilery impressions: under their own cut, in case people don't want to hear anything about it before going. Or, you know, just don't care. Also, a bit of commenting about the end of the series )



spoilers--mostly the bits I loved most )

All in all, I'm not sure how good the movie actually was, but it gave me what I wanted out of it. And mostly, it made me miss my show, while reminding me of why I loved it so much.
 
 
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Ben Folds - Army (live)
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 07:51 am
Special Places  
Last night, I was thinking about special places and what makes them special. I’ve had a two special places in my life: Orange Empire Railway Museum and camp. Of these, camp is the more special place, because it is where I spent my childhood (from 1969 to 1978). As to what makes the place special, I think it is partially that the people there become a loving family. You notice their changes; they notice yours.

What brought this thinking about was that last night I was up at one of the camps, Gindling Hilltop Camp for an Alumni Summer Shabbat visit. I left work around 2:30 PM, making it up to camp by 5:00 pm. My first thought upon driving into camp was “the tents are gone -- the field is back to normal”. You see, about three years ago there was a disasterous fire that destroyed the dining hall. They replaced the dining hall with two large tents on the field (dining hall and activities). You can see the tents and the dining hall a buildin’ on this page. It wasn’t until October of last year that they replaced the dining hall. So walking onto the field, it was as if camp had been healed and was back to normal. I’ll note that Gersh Lazarow, the resident director, told a story later that evening about newer campers coming up and being disappointed that the tents, which they had grown up with, were now gone. It just shows that things change at camp, just as a family changes and grows. More on that later.

It was a wonderful Malibu afternoon, which made for a perfect Shabbat service. Sitting on the benches, swaying to the music, looking out over the sea of counselors and campers who had become one family... it’s an unspeakable feeling. We’ve been members of many synagogues (and we’re changing synagogues yet again), but camp is one of those few places where you just feel the spiritual connection. It comes to you on the breeze, on the look in the face of a deer, in 8 bars of music, in the stars at night. You just feel as if your prayers are heard a bit better there (so yes, [info]ixixlix, I did think some good and healing thoughts your way).

After services we had the traditional camp Shabbat dinner: chicken, noodles, zucchini, and turnovers. The new dining hall was much more spacious than the tent was. They also provided more options: there were vegetarian options, kosher options, salad bars. Much nicer than the old days, where if you didn’t like what was being served, you could have peanut butter.

After dinner, while the camp did a song session, many of the alumni gathered with Gersh to walk around camp. He highlighted some of the recent changes, and talks about some long range master planning and ideas they have. First, he talked about how camp had changed from our era. In our era, it was much more of a camp of Jews, with self-driven Jewish themes powered by the folk music of the day and the music of Debbie Friedman. It was still in the “Classic Reform” mold. Gersh noted that a number of years ago, the decision had been made to move from being a camp of Jews to “A Jewish Camp”. This led to major changes in programming, bringing in daily prayer, much more Hebrew, and a planned and well thought out curriculum that dovetails with that of the Reform movement. But change is natural in a family, as is growth.

In terms of growth, we saw a number of things that were new this year. As I mentioned, the new dining hall/pavilion was opened (Gersh noted that they can’t turn off some of the lights in the dining hall as the coastal commission has defined the hall as a coastal beacon). This necessitated adding two more water tanks to provide sufficient wet-pipe pressure, so the camp is now well supplied with water. They added an overnight camping area with platforms and a fire pit that each cabin uses one night a session (they share with CHK), which has its own staff. Machon park was turned into Melissa’s point, and is now a mini-chapel built by the Mitzvah ‘08 team, with benches and a tiled platform, overlooking the coastline towards Pt. Mugu. A beautiful spot looking into the sunset. They’ve added two more activities to the ropes course, and lighting all around the camp (so the dancing plaza is no longer dark).

But wait, there’s more. Gersh also talked about some of their dreams for the future. The additional water will have a big impact. It will enable them to add four cabins (bringing the capacity to 160 or 180, vs. something like 240 for CHK)--these will be built below the existing cabins. They would like to add green to the field, basically turning the area on the girl’s cabin side of the field into a green park. They will rework the entrance, making a road loop onto the field and back to down the hill, and moving the flagpoles there (thus moving the “center”). They want to resurface (or finally properly surface) the basketball courts, and build a shaded dance platform. They want to add two staff cabins up near the “pink palaces” in the old equestrian area, and potentially build tennis courts there. They are tearing down the Lodge (built in 1968) as soon as the summer ends and rebuilding it (which is sorely needed). Basically, they are developing a master plan to help sustain the programming and increase year-round utilization. They would also like to make some changes at CHK in the same vein, improving the entrance and working to hide the service areas from day to day camp life, as well as revitalizing the 50 year old facilities. Lastly, there was talk of a fourth facility across Yerba Buena Road that would be more suitable as a conference center, with appropriate breakout rooms and such. One would imagine this would be timed to a rework of the Breuer conference center at CHK, which is centered around what was the original dining hall (Gildred Hall). It’s an ambituous plan, but I think if any group can do it, they can... simply because of the love this place engenders in those that have grown up there. They want to see it preserved and growing for their children and their children’s children.

During the friendship circle after the Shabbat Chill, Gersh talked about the quote from Achad Ha-Am: “More than Jews have kept Shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jews”. He noted how the sprituality of Shabbat at camp just because a part of you, and how the camp experiences cement ones Jewish sense of being. This is what makes camp a family member, one that remains part of your life, one that you must visit every so often just to recharge from the experience.

I have, and will, get up there any chance I get. It is that special of a place.
Tags:
 
 
Current Music: They Ain't Makin Jews Like Jesus Anymore (Kinky Friedman): Bananas And Cream
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 10:34 am
Posted using TxtLJ  
Happy Birthday to Randazanda! Hope its a lovely checkered day! :) *hugs*
 
 
26 July 2008 @ 09:34 am
Daily Consciousness *Public*  
Have you ever seen those warnings, "Identity Theft - Don't Be a Victim". It's actually quite kabbalistic.

We think we are who we are. Meaning, we think we are these notions we have of ourselves — black, white, man, woman, secure, insecure, lawyer, actor, son, brother, ADD, OCD, happy-go-lucky, whatever. But most of the time we are totally clueless of our real identity.

On a soul level, we transcend categories and mental constructs. We are souls, pure sparks of the Creator. And to tap that down into everyday language, we are love. We are compassion. We are giving. We are groundless. We are limitless. And of course, we are one. You, me, and everyone reading this, everyone walking around you in your office or on the street or wherever you are reading this, we‘re all connected.

Today, know that whoever you think you are, you are not him or her. Ask for guidance to be shown the real you. Reclaim your identity.
 
 
Current Mood: groggy