|Ugh. I hate life.
||[Oct. 8th, 2006|01:02 am]
You love to drink.
And so I checked my mail today and having had received a cheque from my girlfriend, I deposited it in the bank via the ATM and decided I needed some liquor.|
The only liquor store I know in the area is 17 blocks or so from my place, so I simply walked. I enjoy walking, it gives me a chance to move and breathe fresh air and not have to really cope with life. And you know, that's why a lot of us drink anyhow. But also it's a lot more interesting that being straight all of the time. Sobriety is a bit of a bitch.
I'm always trying to forget, always trying to just get away from it all. And drinking is the cheapest way I can think of. The only thing is, there's the inevitable fall, at which point everything bad you're trying to escape comes back. Unliess you get really, really shitfaced, but it takes so much for that to happen to me anymore that it rarely does. Last week I went to a friends house and consumed more than half a bottle of rum and then went to a bar. I was really drunk when I got home, but I've raised my tolerance so much that it takes more than a little to get me completely forgetful, at least at that very moment. I was trashed, but only for about thirty minutes. To me and those I tell, it seems, it's kind of weird. I drink excessively and I'll be wasted but only for a short time frame. Maybe ten or twenty minutes. And then I'm straight again. Perhaps you don't entirely believe that, but I don't really care. All that generally lasts is that I maybe can't feel my fingers, but my mind starts thinking straight and I stop stumbling around.
I had gotten some cheap rum from the store and then picked up some coke and when I got back I began pouring back drinks. At one point I actually got pretty drunk but now I'm at that coming down point now. Tonight the climax was the worst, though. Now I may be bitter and angry and depressed already, but I was reading over old conversations with my girlfriend--they log and generally I don't look over them, but they've proven useful in the past. Looking up addresses that have been passed between us or just even when we have a momentary lapse of something that we needed to remember. Regardless, I have these conversations between her and I from before we got together and I read over them and they dropped me. I read over our jokey conversations, the stupid things I said to try to endear her to me, the stupid things that would be of no consequence now, the stupid things that have become nothing more than a forgotten memory... and I began to pine for them.
Life was different then even if only because back then I didn't have a job and yet I didn't have to worry about money. I was in college, y'know? It's different then. If you're on a huge loan you have all of this money at hand and you can drink or drug (or both) yourself into a stupor. So I was reminded of how everything was back then. Easier, if nothing else. Now I'm in a position where I have rent and bills and no money. The longest I've held a job since I got out of college was for four months but I lost my mind a little and had to quit spontaneously. I got a job with the Democratic National Committee afterward, but I wasn't important, I was just canvassing.
But now I'm unemployed again and drinking again. Well, I could say drinking again every week. When I had a job it was every day. When I was in college it was every hour.
I haven't had a good drunken experience since August tenth, though. Odd that I can remember the exact date, huh? I remember that night I came home and I was so drunk I couldn't read the screen and I was trying to talk to my girlfriend. Somehow we ended up on webcam but after maybe ten minutes, I put my head down and passed out. That was a good night, though. I'd been out with a buddy from work (an older guy--59 years old) and I had drink after drink. Obviously enough that I passed out.
Since then every time I've gotten drunk it's been quite melancholy.
And it's so much so that I don't even know why I'm writing this. Actually, it's mostly that over the time that I've been writing this (about an hour for various reasons) I've sobered up and I'm looking back at this and thinking, "Boy, this is dumb."