Yeah, yeah, I know, Bridget Jones and the next Star Trek episode. I'm working on them! But first, here is a speedier, shorter recap of Stargate, the first movie. I'd never seen it before, and I quite liked it. Tell me if you like the new style, or if it's not funny enough.
STARGATE. Opening credits.
NORTH AFRICAN DESERT 8000 B.C. The naked white ancient Egyptians, particularly a teenaged hot naked white ancient Egyptian, are awakened by a strange alien device blowing dust and stuff about. Obviously the aliens helped them build ...
... the pyramids of GIZA, EGYPT 1928. Damn, two flashback openings in one movie? Dr. Langford and his cute twenties-dress-wearing little girl visit an archeology dig, and the girl picks up a necklace that will obviously become important later. The diggers have unearthed a large hollowed-out circle of stone, which stands perpendicular to the ground like ... say ... a gate?! Beneath it they found a fossil of a monster. Little Girl looks at it with crazy eyes. She is one of the undead.
PRESENT DAY. Little Girl is now Old Lady. She attends a lecture given by the floppy-haired, bespectacled, adorably scatterbrained Dr. Daniel, who argues that the pyramids could not have been built whenever they were supposed to be built because they don't have hieroglyphs on them. I don't follow his logic, but I wouldn't be so rude as to walk out of his lecture as the entire audience of Egyptologists does.
After the lecture, Old Lady uses her US Air Force goons (!) to force Dr. Daniel to talk with her in a limousine. She shows him a picture of his foster parents, for some reason (maybe Old Lady is secretly Daniel's mother?), and reveals that she has learned through her vast spy network that Daniel is living out of his suitcases and would be loath to turn down a job offer. I sure hope Old Lady is from the government somehow; it would freak me out to think that the private sector has taken up such assertive methods of recruitment.
Some place else, Air Force goons visit the house of two bereaved parents, Smoker Lady and Kurt Russell, playing Jack O'Neal. O'Neal stares with grief at a Little League photo of his son, clutching a gun, as the goons tell him that he is reinstated. Outside, Goon #1 explains to Goon #2 that O'Neal is upset because his kid accidentally shot himself to death. Yeah, we kinda got that, Stargate movie.
MILITARY INSTALLATION in WHODAFUCKCARES, COLORADO. Dr. Daniel has allergies, because he's an adorable nerd, and hey, it's that guy! Okay, I totally know him, but from what?! The best description I can come up with is gay therapist, given the sweater he's wearing. Daniel is overwhelmed by the circle thingy they dug up in Giza, and promptly corrects Gay Therapist's incompetent translation. O'Neal busts in to kill the party, and Dr. Daniel takes one look at his square jaw and falls right in love with him. O'Neal says everything is classified and generally acts like a douche Because His Son Died.
Old Lady privately demands an explanation for said douchebaggery. None is given, save for the insinuation that the top brass kinda hate Old Lady.
"TWO WEEKS LATER"?!?! Enough with the subtitles! Dr. Daniel can't figure out the mysterious non-hieroglyphic symbols, and is worried that he'll never get paid. (Hee!) Inspired by the world's strangest headline story ("Orion Upclose and Personal!"), he realizes that the symbols are not words, but ...
... constellations, as he tells a meeting of military top brass. (A gaggle of brass? A brace of brass?) O'Neal sticks a cigarette in his mouth and loves Dr. Daniel with his clear blue eyes. Dr. D's full explanation is that the constellations make up the six of seven points necessary to chart a course. The seventh point is the symbol of two "funny looking guys" on either side of a "pyramid with a funny little line coming out of it." Those are the technical terms for it, anyway. Dr. D feels that scrawling this symbol on the dry-erase marker board is necessary, so I assume that either it will be important later, or the producers hate Dr. D and will take any opportunity to make him look like a dork. Gay Therapists is jealous and points out there is no seventh symbol on something called "the device," which turns out to be the upright ring part of the thing they dug up in Giza. Let's just call it a Stargate.
Rebel's control base on Hoth. The military control guys dress like hippies. Dr. D points out the seventh symbol in like two seconds. (It's just the pyramid without the funny-looking guys.) I'm beginning to have doubts about the 1337ness of this operation. (BTW, I'm having major LOLs at this point at the Wikipedia article for this film, which is even more detailed than this summary. Wikify it up, n00bs!) The military goons promptly spin the wheel like they're playing Wheel of Fortune, and I have no idea how this thing works but it looks cool. It makes the ground shake and stuff. The seventh symbol is locked into, and the Stargate glows and this ... undulating, liquid mass fills it. Hippy's jaw drops.
The goons wisely send a robot to the gate, and it improbably (and rather impossibly) sends them a tracking symbol from the "other side of the known universe." Yup, impossible. Then the Jello-y door of the Stargate vanishes. I hope that robot wasn't too expensive.
Later. Top Brass look at the impossible video from the robot and note that there is a gate on the other side, with different markings than the Earth gate. To get home, the astronauts or whatever would have to be able to decipher the markings to activate the other gate. Dr. D is like, oh, come on, that's easy! Looks like he's just found himself a new career. As C-3PO. O'Neal loves him with his hate.
O'Neal examines the fossil also dug up in Giza, with menacing lighting and threatening music playing. Because he's a douche. Because His Son Died. "You understand this complicates things," he says to a Top Brass, whose name, according to Wikipedia, is Major General West. Yes, he's a Major General, but is he the very model of a modern major general? "That's why I wanted you, Jack," Modern Major General replies, all Darth Vader like. I don't know what's going on, but O'Neal is in cahoots with Modern Major General, and is likely evil but will be converted by the purity of his love for Dr. D.
Old Lady gives Dr. D her significant necklace, which I forgot to mention she still wears. Also, I think she stole it from an Egyptian street vendor. Why is she giving the man girly jewelry? Because it's important to the plot, that's why.
The soldiers arm themselves and prepare to walk through the gate. O'Neal invites last words, and Dr. D sneezes. Okay, the producers hate him.
Long silence as they approach the Gate. O'Neal loves it with his beret. They send a cart through first, in case there's a dragon on the other side with its mouth open, ready to eat them, and then O'Neal walks through it all intense, like his Son Who Died is on the other side. Dr. D is the only one who has fun, sticking just his hands through the Jell-O and being all like, "My fingers are on the other side of the galaxy!" Then he falls through and --
– oh Beelzebub, this is the most unpleasant traveling sensation ever. It's speeding incredibly fast through what is supposed to be a wormhole. It's nauseating. It's bendy. It's worrisome because Dr. D is not wearing a space suit. Imagine this movie in Imax. The theater would stink something awful by the end! Maalox would set up in the lobby and make a fortune.
I accidentally rewound to this again and had to close my eyes. Never watching that again!
O'Neal loves Dr. D with his concern. The soldiers assure Dr. D that the pukey feeling wears off. The Stargate, its purpose fulfilled, goes out. What if it goes out when you're in the middle of it? Are you suspended in space? Ergh.
They have emerged in a pitch-black stony place. The team moves through, and it's apparent that they are underground, in a tomb or temple that looks very Egyptian. I must say, the guns and things the soldiers are waving around might undermine the whole, "We are earthlings, we come in peace!" message. They emerge from the tomb/temple into a sunny desert which ... look, it's Egypt. With three daytime moons. O'Neal loves Alien Egypt with his sunglasses. Dr. D is like, I told you aliens built the pyramids! Or maybe we were the aliens who built Alien Egypt. Think about it.
The soldiers do military things and have just now noticed that O'Neal acts like a douchebag. They're only supposed to stay an hour, so you bet they'll be there for a very long time. O'Neal tells Dr. D to read the Stargate, and Dr. D says he can't do it because ... something about tablets? I (and most of the soldiers) assume he's stalling so he can explore Alien Egypt some more. One of the men is suddenly struck with the thought that he could be forever an Alien Egypt alien, so to speak, and jumps on Dr. D, screaming, You're a lying son of a bitch! O'Neal loves Dr. D with his very mild reprimand of that guy.
They set up camp. A soldier I will dub Sarcastic Exposition Guy sardonically informs the audience that they have to turn on the gate from this side to get back. I hope he does all the exposition from here on out.
O'Neal messes around with a machine in a manner that would seem totally unthreatening if it didn't have Eeevil music behind it.
Camp. Dr D is dorkily unaware that the men hate him, and so to rectify his perception, one of the soldiers throws his suitcase of reference books at him. We really need O'Neal to love them with his discipline, but he's too busy being menacing inside the tomb. The actor who later played Jim Brass on CSI almost catches him being menacing, and O'Neal acts as guilty as a kid caught with his hand in the condom jar. No poker face at all.
Dr. D gives up trying to pick up his books and finds a ... what do they call those Star Wars things? Banthas. O'Neal yells at him for feeding it chocolate, and I'm with him. What if it's like a dog in our universe, and dies? Oh, but whacky hijinks break out when Dr. D gets his foot caught in the harness of the beast, and it drags him along at full gallop. I generally don't find being dragged to death very amusing, but the movie thinks this is a hoot. Also a plot device to get them to discover something.
Dr. D wakes up several miles from the camp making out with a Bantha, and vomits. As would I. O'Neal and a couple other guys pry the Bantha off him, then walk up the next dune and discover the Alien Egyptians. O'Neal loves them with his slack-jawed appreciation. The Alien Egyptian point at our heroes and yell, presumably in Ancient Alien Egyptian. O'Neal suggests that Dr. D make good use of his many degrees in linguistics. Dr. D: "Hi." I had no idea I could speak Ancient Alien Egyptian! The Alien Egyptians see his necklace, though, and bow to it. O'Neal tries to make nice and shake hands with an Alien Egyptian teenager. He's even dumber than Dr. D!
(Presumably) the leader steps forward and greets them in Ancient Alien Egyptian. It sounds familiar to Dr. D, but he can't understand it. Just the part about anal sex all night every night. The leader offers them a drink, so Dr. D gives him a chocolate bar. The leader immediately keels over from allergic reaction. Okay, he doesn't, but this is a stupid thing to do. Dr. D argues that they can figure out the Stargate best by going with the Alien Egyptians, and O'Neal loves him with his skepticism.
Camp. Sarcastic Exposition Guy gets O'Neal's message and lisps that thith ith not good. Dr. D is so having his sleeping bag shat in.
O'Neal, Dr. D, and Canon Fodder 1 & 2 are impressed by the Alien Egyptian society. Dr. D sneezes, and the Alien Egyptians fight over his snot.
In the Alien Egyptian town, the leader unveils a very large version of the necklace Dr. D wears. It has a symbol of an eye on it. Dr. D explains that the symbol is for Ra, the god of the sun, and that the Alien Egyptians think that Ra sent them. O'Neal loves him with his sarcasm. Suddenly a horn blows and the Alien Egyptians stop being holy. Radio: Skrrrrrrrrrret krrrxx rkrrrrr kst. Sounds like a sandstorm.
Camp. It is a sandstorm. The soldiers take refuge in the temple. I bet they get eaten or something.
Town. O'Neal and Canon Fodder, who previously demonstrated that they did not understand the universal sign language for "Please come with me" also do not understand the universal sign language for "Big storm come, you stay with us!" They break out the machine guns and try to fight their way out of town. Ah, genius! Teenage Alien Egyptian points up and manages to communicate with him, though I think that O'Neal misconstrued his gesture as "Buttsex! Now! On roof!" Instead, Teenager shows him the oncoming sandstorm. O'Neal loves the sandstorm with his tight black T-shirt.
Temple. The other soldiers are shocked that there are sometimes sandstorms in the desert!
Ewok Village. Celebration! Dr. D loves the Alien Egyptian cuisine. Even the semi-roasted Giant Lizard. "Tastes like chicken," Dr. D says. Of course it does. Everything tastes like chicken. "Foreigners eat things we don't think of as food" jokes never get old, except the part where they do.
Dr. D, after O'Neal loves him with a suggestion, tries to communicate with the leader by drawing hieroglyphs in the sand. The leader freaks, and obviously they have a strong alien taboo against writing. So, this is a Planet of Hats kind of situation: a planet that parallels historical Earth with one small but nonetheless crucial detail. The leader makes a bunch of noises and inducts Dr. D into his order of priesthood. I think. The WASPiest of the Alien Egyptians totally wants to do Dr. D. The leader's minions cart Dr. D away and give him a ceremonial bath, which he complains makes him "smell like a yacht." I mean, "a yack." WASP enters to seduce him. Apparently this priesthood comes with awesome perks! I'm changing its name to "the Order of Awesomehood."
After a moment of weakness, during which Dr. D sees boobs for the first time in his life, he tries to kick WASP out. Leader is like, Daughter! You are not pretty enough for honorable guest?! Did you flash your boobs? And WASP is like, I think he is gay! Dr. D realizes he's being insulting, and takes WASP back into his tent.
His name is Dr. D. Hers is Sha'uri. Ah, the apostrophe; most alien of all punctuation marks. Dr. D tries writing again, but it's too embarrassing even for a prostitute. Finally, she decides to admit her secret kink and draws the funky pyramid symbol. Dr. D knows it stands for Earth, and has her show him where she saw it.
Temple. I hate all these soldiers, including Sarcastic Exposition Guy, who explains that there are too many combinations for the soldiers to guess the correct one. Then there is light, sound, shaking, and the spaceship from the first scene of the movie reappears. Is this when they get eaten? The spaceship lowers over the Alien Pyramid like the Giant Squid making love to Hogwarts. Have I mentioned that the temple is connected to the Alien Pyramid? Well, it is. The soldiers spread out so the Alien Aliens can knock them out better. The Alien Alien looks like ... a robot designed to look like Anubis. You know, jackal-headed Egyptian god of death.
Teenager (whose name is Skaara, according to Wikipedia, but that's a dumb name) bonds with O'Neal over the marvelous habit of smoking. O'Neal encourages him so he can see Teenager hack up a lung when he inhales. O'Neal is a douchebag. Also, smoking is bad for you, kiddies. O'Neal freaks out when Teenager touches his machine gun, though. Because His Son Died. And he's too macho to simply tell Canon Fodder why he's so distraught, which might make them more sympathetic to his douchebaggery.
Sha'uri takes Dr. D to a hidden temple, where she engages in the taboo art of looking at pictures on walls. Dr. D starts trying to read the symbols and figures out how to communicate verbally, which makes sense because Egyptian has no (or few) vowels written in it. We aren't sure how to pronounce it. This is like an Egyptologist's wet dream, I think, being able to ask an ancient Egyptian, "How do you say 'khpr shw' again?"
Temple. Anubis drags in Sarcastic Exposition Guy to witness Ra's rebirth or something like that.
Radio: krrrrrrrrrrx krszzzker rkkks. O'Neal loves it with his worry.
Teenager impresses his friends with the lighter O'Neal gave him. O'Neal approaches the Alien Egyptians and tries to communicate through hand gestures that he wants Dr. D. Yes, like that. He finally mimes a sneeze. Teenager imitates the chicken dance Dr. D did over the roasted giant lizard, and he and O'Neal agree that Dr. D is a giant chicken. They use the Bantha to track him.
Temple of sexy words. O'Neal loves Dr. D with his surprise. Dr. D has cracked Alien Egyptian and explains the story on the walls. A Grey, the type of alien so common that Wikipedia says it has "replaced little green men as the most typical extraterrestrial life form [in American culture]," groaned under the weight of its cliches and traveled the universe to find a way to cheat death. It descended to Earth in the opening sequence and possessed the body of a teenage proto-Egyptian. Teenage Egyptians are awfully prevalent in this film. Ra-in-human-form used the Stargate to take the humans from Earth to Alien Egypt so they could mine the stuff the Stargate's made out of ... so he could make more Stargates? Something.
Anyway, the Earth Egyptians were scrappier and rebelled by destroying the Stargate (and wiping out its memory for all future cultures?), so Ra outlawed reading and writing. Not sure I follow the logic, but I'm sure it made sense to Ra. Dr. D finds the Stargate symbols carved into the walls, but the seventh has broken off and is illegible. They should have painted a back-up copy on the walls.
O'Neal and co. depart, followed by Teenager and his fanboys. Dr. D is sad to leave Sha'uri.
Of course, when they return to camp, they find that the spaceship has landed on the pyramid. They enter the temple anyway. FOOLS! Naturally they are attacked by Anubis, who kills Canon Fodder 1 and 2. Are you shocked? Teenager sees all this through the window.
O'Neal loves Dr. D with his saving him. They run back to the Stargate, and Dr. D is instructed to cover him while O'Neal messes around with his Machinery of Menace. Oh, but it's gone. Maybe Ra stole it. Anubis teleports into the room in a complicated way I don't feel like explaining, and threatens them. O'Neal decides to surrender.
They teleport up into the spaceship. O'Neal loves Dr. D with his hot bod. The spaceship is pretty and looks like a temple. O'Neal and Dr. D are forced to kneel. Kneel, O'Neal! Ra enters, with his court of teenagers and children. Ra is like, I know what you were up to, foos! And brings forth O'Neals Machinery of Menace. It's an atomic bomb. O'Neal loves Dr. D with his stoney silence and suicidal tendencies. (Hey, his kid died.) The Alien Alien Egyptians take off their masks (they're mechanical/technological), and reveal the faces of Egyptian teenagers behind them. O'Neal tries to fight, but his angst is not helping him fire at a crowd of kiddies. Dr. D is shot dead, O'Neal is overpowered, Ra is generally gay.
O'Neal is thrown into a pool containing Jim Brass, Sarcastic Exposition guy, and another soldier. Aw, I thought they were dead! Nice to see Jim Brass again. O'Neal gets a crazy panic in his eyes when he realizes that Dr. D is missing.
Camp. Teenager and his boy friends are helping themselves to the guns. Heh. Tiny spaceships fly from the mothership and shoot the town up. Why, I'm not sure. To cement how evil the Alien Aliens are? Teenager returns to town, and briefly confers with his sister, Sha'uri. Yeah, they're siblings. Only the news of Dr. D's demise makes her upset. The leader blames it on the Earthlings. Teenager sets his jaw.
Dr. D wakes up in a sarcophagus-like device and discovers it has healed his deadness. I guess that's where Ra would sleep to maintain his immortality. Dr. D greets a kid, and a cat, and finds Ra relaxing in his spa. They just let him wander around. Ra gets dressed and he and Dr. D converse in Alien Alien Egyptian. Ra sounds like he has a mouth full of marbles. Dr. D also knows Egyptian for "You have harnessed the power of the atom." Ra is going to use the Stargate to send a megabomb to destroy Earth. Because he is a bigger douchebag than O'Neal, and has no excuse for it, except the extinction of his race. He also wants Dr. D to kill his friends. This will prove to the Alien Egyptians that Ra really is a God. Okay!
Temple of Sexy Words. Teenager (THE Teenager) tells Sha'uri that Ra has scheduled an execution. Sha'uri says she's going to tell them the real truth about Ra and the Alien Egyptians. I really don't get why she should trust Dr. D over Ra, or how Ra doesn't qualify as a god. He has access to extremely advanced technology and can boss them around. Sounds like a god to me.
Pyramid. Execution. The suspense is deadly, if you are an absolute chump. Dr. D walks slowly towards the other guys. Teenager flashes light in his eyes. Dr D gets the signal, and instead of shooting O'Neal, he shoots a guard. Teenager and his friends pull out the machine guns and shoot the sky. In the confusion, the Alien Egyptians grab the Earthlings and have them disappear in the crowd. Sarcastic Exposition Guy bites it – err, again – but Dr. D and O'Neal escape on a Bantha.
Another sandstorm! Dr D passes out, like a wimp, but O'Neal loves him with his manliness. Teenager and friends find them and bring them to a cave. That Sarcastic Exposition Guy I told you was dead? Is not dead. These are the most resilient bits of Canon Fodder I've ever seen! The other soldier must have died. The Alien Egyptians are beginning to look like Middle Eastern freedom fighters. O'Neal is disturbed by the sight of kids with guns and has a freak out, revealing that his orders were to destroy the Stargate if there was any danger. Well, duh. Interestingly, O'Neal's plan (or orders?) was to first send back Dr. D and the team, then blow up the Stargate and kill himself. Dr. D explains that Ra kinda wants to do the same thing in reverse. O'Neal goes away to cry. He needs Dr. D's love.
Temple. Ra is bitchy. The humidity is going to ruin his hair!
Dr. D tracks down O'Neal and confronts him about his suicidal tendencies. O'Neal loves him with his angst. Dr. D's argument is that nobody else is suicidal, so O'Neal shouldn't be. Interesting!
Temple. Ra kills the guard who let the Earthlings get away.
Cave. The kids laugh at Dr. D because he's doing his wife's work. He's like, I'm married?!?! Sha'uri apologizes for not admitting that Dr. D didn't want to pork her. Dr. D is inspired to kiss her. Legal teenage Alien Egyptian nookie! You know there's a spam message floating around with that as its subject line.
Oh my god, the kiss is followed by a montage of dunes. You know what that means? Intercourse. Bleh.
Later, Dr. D sees Teenager writing something on the wall and realizes what the seventh symbol is. They can go home!
Mines. O'Neal and the Teenagers (good name for a band) shoot the guards. Of course, the leader has a fit over that, so Dr. D takes the helmet off the guard. Doesn't look so scary now, does he?
Temple. Ra sees the caravan coming, and orders the bomb brought to the Stargate. O'Neal and Dr. D (who looks just like a girl without his glasses) sneak into the temple disguised as Alien Egyptians. The guards get suspicious and pull of the hoods, revealing dreaded head after dreaded head, until uncovering the blond flattop that is O'Neal. This movie is kinda racist, what with the wise blonde-haired blue-eyed Americans teaching the dumb natives how to cope with their problems. The rebels pull out guns and start firing. The door to the temple closes, cutting off the two Canon Fodder guys outside from the love of their captain. The little Alien Alien ships start shooting at the guys outside, so they organize the fight against them.
Temple. Ra is bitchy and orders them to do the bomb already.
Stargate. O'Neal is still determined to kill himself via bomb, and arms the nuclear. Which doesn't seem wise in the middle of a firefight. Dr. D resolves to revive O'Neal's will to live. Meanwhile, Sha'uri bites it. Dr. D is like, Now you must live, O'Neal, or I will never get laid again!
One of Ra's guards teleports down in the complicated way, which is kind of like an elevator, and Dr. D takes this opportunity to beam up to the spaceship with Sha'uri's corpse. O'Neal loves him with his shock and a bomb with six minutes left.
Dr. D puts Sha'uri in the regeneration chamber. Meanwhile, O'Neal loves Ra's guard with his fists.
Outside, more fighting. This is basically the part where the movie justifies brawny American warfare as the only way to preserve freedom.
Inside, O'Neal grapples with Ra's guard, and decides to disarm the bomb so he doesn't kill, like, everybody. Ra's guard stops him, because O'Neal doesn't know Ancient Egyptian for "Please allow me to disarm this nuclear bomb, or we will surely die, and somehow I don't think that you would enjoy dying, unlike me!"
Outside, Jim Brass is reduced to jumping up and down and waving his arms. This is some esoteric military tactic. Inside, in contrast to Jim's show of unselfishness, Dr. D is risking everybody's life for Sha'uri.
Outside, the Americans surrender. "Chickenshits," Teenager says.
Inside, Ra becomes aware of a small flaw in his security when Dr. D strolls by carrying Sha'uri's revitalized body. Ra grabs his head and tries to fry his brains out.
Downstairs, O'Neal makes the entirely unnecessary quip of "Give my regards to King Tut, asshole!" and teleports just Ra's guard's head upstairs. This also transports Dr. D and Sha'uri downstairs. Dr. D steals his necklace back, too. O'Neal loves Dr. D with everything he has. Then he tries to disarm the bomb, but the timer won't stop ticking. Uh-oh.
Outside, things look very bad for our intrepid Canon Fodder, but then, lo! Over the hills comes the leader with all the Alien Egyptians! Ra is like, there goes the neighborhood. Again. Ra and his spaceship take off.
At the Stargate, O'Neal can't get the bomb to disarm, so he and Dr. D simultaneously get an idea. They beam the bomb up to Ra and let him deal with it. I think they just killed all those courtly kids whom O'Neal wanted to protect. Oh, well, it doesn't matter if we don't see it.
There is rejoicing. All of the teenagers salute O'Neal. Now he has a reason to live! Besides Dr. D, I mean. And Dr. D gets another kiss from Sha'uri.
Stargate. Sarcastic Exposition Guy and Jim Brass say good-bye to Dr. D. He's staying behind because he has a forty-percent better chance of getting laid in Alien Egypt than on Earth. He and O'Neal exchange words. Does Dr. D really want to stay? Yes. How's O'Neal's suicide? Much better, thanks for asking. Dr. D gives the necklace to O'Neal, so he can return it to the Old Lady. Oh, god, spinning vortex of horror, and the movie ends before he comes back to Earth and realizes that the monkeys have taken over.
Boy, that was gay.