TOS 1.2: Where No Man Has Gone Before

I’m a Star Trek virgin. More or less, that is. Though now I do know a bit more than when I wrote this post - it’s amazing what you can gather from SpikeTV shows on in the background! Like, now I think I can name all the members of TNG main cast. (Picard, Worf, Wesley, Wesley’s mom, the Greek chick, Data, Picard - no, wait - the blonde security chick - no, wait - )

But, for the most part, I really don’t know what this is all about. Aside from Kirk/Spock sex, of course. Now, some people may demand I resign my geek card. I say this makes the ideal person to comment on the series. I’m unbiased! I know nothing about the fandom! (Except for Kirk/Spock.)

If you really want me to explain how I managed to live as long as I have and never laid eyes on Bill Shatner's exposed Canadian nipples, read that thread I linked to. Of course, I'm not completely unspoiled. I mean, who isn't? It's really hard not to run into certain aspects of the fandom. And I have watched about, oh say - well, I'm on Vol. 10 in Netflix, so let's say twenty episodes of the original series. That is to say, about 2.7%, or my math is wrong, and it probably is. So, in summary, Star Trek virgin, unbiased reporter. On to the recap!



TOS 1.2: Where No Man Has Gone Before: An old friend of Kirk's develops superhuman powers ... so Kirk and Spock kill him.

(Note: According to the Star Trek Wiki [I know! Star Trek has a Wiki!], this episode is the second one produced, but the third to air, but is considered the first episode. This is apparently because they scrapped the original pilot and recast the main characters, except for Nimoy, because he wrocks, and later recut the pilot into the last episode of the first season. So, basically, there is no first Star Trek episode. That confuses me so much.)

Space! Okay, it's not so much the spaceship that's funny as the stars moving in parallax behind it. Did the Trek producers have any idea how fast something would have to be moving to produce that effect? Did they even care? Well, I don't, not really.

"Captain's Log: Stardate 1312.4," a young William Shatner voice-overs. I wonder why they bother with dates when no one can understand them? "The impossible has happened!" What, some girl turned you down? "From directly ahead, we're picking up a recorded distress signal, the call letters of a vessel which has been missing for over two centuries." That's it? I was all excited about the impossible and you've simply found a missing ship? Why does Star Trek fill me with questions?

The camera zooms back from the star field to reveal that it's an image on a monitor being watched by two dorks in tan turtlenecks, and even a Trek virgin can recognize them instantly as Kirk and Spock. That's pretty cool. Shatner voices over, wondering if the distressed ship managed to "probe out of the galaxy" (heh, heh), because he is planning to do the same with his ship and is, of course, worried that the same horrible fate will befall them all. He stares at the monitor with his most serious eyebrows on.

"Your move, Captain," Spock says pleasantly. They're playing space chess, which is exactly like our chess, except it's played on a multi-layered board that looks like a tiered wedding cake. Spock's eyebrows look extra pointy, for some reason, and he's not wearing his trademark blue shirt.


"Captain! My eyebrows are pastede on yay!"

"We should have intercepted by now. The bridge said they'd call," Kirk replies. Well, thanks for clearing that up. Spock, with a jaunty little grin, just replies that he's going to checkmate Kirk "next move." Well, don't tell him about it! You're supposed to keep the element of surprise!

Always alert to any challenges to his masculinity, Kirk turns to face Spock at this, and gives him an overly smug look accompanied by an overly smug laugh, but underneath this smugness is real affection. He calls Spock's chess-fu "irritating," an odd choice of words, to give Spock an opening to wonder about our Earth emotions and call attention to his alien heritage. He even says "your Earth emotions," a construction that will always remind me of Plan 9 From Outer Space. "All you of earth are idiots!" Kirk moves his large black pepper shaker from the lowest tier to the highest tier. Spock scowls. I take it that Kirk pwns.

"Certain you don't know what irritation is?" says Kirk, because a good friend likes to rub salt into his friend's wounds. Spock, trying to find a hole in Kirk's pwnage, mutters something about "one of [his] ancestors [marrying] a human female," and come on. Even I know that Spock's mother was human. Is he trying to "pass" as more Vulcan than he is, or is this a continuity error just waiting to be born? It's also possible that Kirk doesn't care enough to find out. Kirk teases Spock about having "bad blood," and this quite cute moment is interrupted by a boatswain's whistle, and me having to look up how to spell "boatswain."

I'm back. Some blond guy is communicating with Kirk through the monitor. They've found the originator of the distress signal, but it's only one meter in diameter. "Not even large enough for a lifeboat," Spock helpfully adds. But I'm sure it's big enough for a galaxy of Whos. The blond guy, who Kirk addresses as "Kelso," wants to bring the potentially-microbe-and-explosive ridden mysterious device aboard, and Kirk is just fine with that! Okay, then!

This is how you work the "materializer," as the Scottish guy calls it: [Beep! boom-de-boom bwee! Du fweeengh!] Then, with an extra little twinkle - it's the sort of sound effect that should accompany the arrival of Glenda, Good Witch of the North - a black doohickey appears in a cascade of champagne-like bubbles. Kirk, impressed by the smoke and mirrors, identifies the doohickey as the ship's black box. Spock points out that the damage on the black box indicates that the ship was destroyed. Well, duh! The recorder sends out a distress signal, not a "We're having great fun!" signal. Besides, the ship has been reported as missing for two hundred years. Of course it was destroyed! Geez, Spock, you're supposed to be the smart one! "Let's hope its tapes are intact," Kirk continues. Tapes?! Hee hee hee hee. Tapes.

Suddenly, the black box begins beeping and blinking its lights. I'm impressed by a power source that lasts two hundred years. Coincidentally, it also begins transmitting a signal. Kirk orders a red alert, which means that a siren sounds and a red light blinks, but nobody does anything differently. I see the Trek universe parallels our own with regard to color-coded alerts.

TOS theme music, no voice-over. This may be a crazy thing to say, but I really like this music. It starts off dramatically and mysteriously, then degenerates into sleazy lounge music. It's just ... so ... Kirk!

Back from the break, Spock and Kirk enter an elevator. This dude in a peach sweater runs through the doors at the last second. He seems to be good friends with Kirk - he addresses him as "Jim," and they banter a bit. Peach Sweater explains that because "Kelso's voice sounded a little nervous," he deduced that Kirk wasn't on the bridge. That's odd, because Kelso hasn't made an announcement that I could hear, and anyway, what does that have to do with this elevator ride? Peach Sweater, who's a little creepy, throws Spock a look of barely disguised jealousy and asks about the space chess game. "He played most illogically. His next move should have been the rook," Spock grumps. Kirk mimes cutting his throat from behind Spock's back. Cute! Oh, no. I think I'm attracted to Shatner.

They get off on the bridge - hey, that was a pretty cool effect they snuck past you! The crew changed the backdrop behind the elevator doors to make it look like they built a practical elevator. There's a glimpse of the bridge from the elevator's vantage point, and the main screen turn on without any stars on it.

Creepy Peach Sweater relieves the - I think that's the navigator's station, and we finally get his name: Mitchell. Kirk settles into the might leather of the captain's chair, commander of all he surveys, with a buxom blonde at her rightful place by his side, puts on his serious eyebrows, and orders "[Main screen turn on!]" Awesome. Stars, the bullshit parallax view. The blonde is disconcerted. Why is she even standing there? Kirk watches Spock make sweet, sweet love to his computer for a moment. Never get between a Vulcan and his number-cruncher.

"Approaching galaxy edge, sir," says Kelso, like there's a great green sign with "Now Leaving The Galaxy - Please Come Again!" floating there. "Neutralize warp, Mr. Mitchell, hold this position," Kirk says. Hold this position relative to what, Kirk? You can't stop in space. I'm suspecting these guys all flunked out of space school and are just posers. Mitchell "stops" the vessel and opens an intercom for Kirk with condescending little movements, which is both awesome and creepy. Okay, I know who this guy reminds me of: the creepy masochist from that Law and Order spin off. It can't be him, though, can it?

No, I don't think it's him. He was Dr. Frank Poole in 2001: A Space Odyssey. All the speaking parts in that movie were so memorable.

Anyway. Kirk addresses the crew: "The object we encountered is a ship's disaster recorder apparently ejected from the S.S. Valiant two hundred years ago." Here Spock interrupts that the tapes are "burnt out," and that he's trying the "memory bank." "We hope to learn from the recorder what the Valiant was doing here and what destroyed the vessel. We'll move out into our [thrusting, masculine] probe as soon as we have those answers." The icy blonde is stoic. Again, why is she here? Was she literally ordered to be captain arm candy?


Little does the captain know that Arm Candy has been plotting her revenge.

So, Kirk wants to meet all the "department heads," and I'm writing most of this down because I just know the writers are gonna forget about this. But, first, Arm Candy's only scene! Kirk climbs out of the Man Chair, and collides with Arm Candy's boobs. "Uh, Jones?" Kirk says, trying to remember which name he was repeating with some emphasis between the sheets last night. "The name's Smith, sir," Arm Candy supplies helpfully. And ... exit Arm Candy. Give her a big hand, folks! On to the department heads!

Some Chinese dude I've never seen before and will never see again is in charge of "astro sciences." Scotty is in charge of the Engineering and Bad Accents division. Kirk gives Scotty a big, fake smile. Hee. A distinguished-looking gentleman is the head of "life sciences," and introduces the only woman in the group, another icy blonde. Meet Dr. Dehner, a psychiatrist from Aldebaran. "My assignment is to study crew reaction in emergency conditions." Kirk nods, licking his lips, his eyes trailing down her shirt. Oh, he would like to study her reaction in sexy conditions.

Spock interrupts. He has cracked the memory banks. Why did they have "tape" and memory banks in the same recorder? Why not just plain old papyrus records? Dehner wants copies for shits and giggles, prompting Mitchell to hit on her and her to turn him down. "Walking freezer unit," he mutters to Kelso. Dehner thrusts her boobs out and pretends she didn't hear.

Meanwhile, Spock is still doing actual work. He decodes the records to find that the Valiant was tossed beyond the "Now Leaving the Galaxy!" sign by a "magnetic space storm," accompanied by a strong magnetic space wind and golf-ball-sized magnetic space hail. They apparently were tossed around by unknown forces and such, until they ended up back on the galaxy side of the "Now Leaving the Galaxy!" sign. Then the crew became increasingly panicked and made "repeated urgent requests for information from the ship's computer records for anything concerning ESP in human beings." "Extrasensory perception?" Kirk elaborates. Thank you, Legolas. Spock just crooks an already crooked eyebrow.

Kirk calls Dr. Dehner and asks her, "How are you in ESP?" "In tests I've taken, my ESP rated 'high,'" Dr. Dehner replies. He didn't mean it like that, you moron. There's only one woman on this show, and you're making us look bad. "It is a fact that some people can sense future happenings, read the backs of playing cards, and so on, but the esper capacity is always quite limited," Dehner explains. Hey, cool! There's mind-reading in Star Trek? I didn't know that. I mean, I do know it, but I didn't know it when I saw this episode. I guess it's too much to ask for somebody to do the Force choke-hold before the end of the episode.

Spock is still going on about the data he uncovered, though nobody cares anymore. He's a bit of a geek. He's stumbled upon a self-destruct command issued by the captain, but he doesn't believe his own pointy ears. The dramatic music sure believes it, though.

Kirk, with very little input from his department heads, decides to go ahead with the [thrusting, pulsating] probe. They warp factor one past the "Now Leaving the Galaxy!" sign. Everyone's a bit tense, until they stumble upon a purple Jello force-field.


The Enterprise versus dessert food. (The dessert food wins.)

Kirk fears no purple Jello, but Spock sure does. He gets a reading from the deflector beams, but not the sensors. "Density negative, radiation negative, energy negative!" Does Kirk say, "Whoa, guys, we'd better stop until we figure out what this not-thing is"? No, Kirk just lets them plow on towards it. Mitchell clasps hands with Arm Candy. Aww.

They enter the purple Jello, and, predictably, everything goes wonky and sparks fly. Computers catch on fire. Mitchell hits "reverse," but not before Dr. Dehner is zapped by a cheap Rotoscope effect. The same thing happens to Mitchell. Kirk has to grab the controls himself, until Spock pushes him away so that someone who actually knows what he's doing can fly the ship. Under the gentle touch of Spock's long fingers, the ship escapes the purple Jello.

Dr. Dehner is okay, just stunned. Spock grabs Kirk's upper arm and pulls him close. I'm not sure that's necessary to get his attention, bub, but whatever works for you. The ship has been heavily damaged and nine are dead. Great job, idiot! Kirk bends over Mitchell's prostrate body and asks his friend if he's okay. I'm guessing he's not, as he's hiding his face from the camera. Mitchell says he feels fine as Kirk cradles his head in both hands. Err ... well, I guess he's just doing so in order to turn Mitchell's face towards the camera. He looks okay, then he opens his eyes, and ...


Okay, that is pretty freaky.

Oh, my god! It's full of stars! Commercials!

After the break, the ship is down to impulse power, which I take is slower than warp speed. "Earth bases which were only days away are now years in the distance," Kirk voice-overs for the slow audience members. Kirk claims his crew is very worried about the Valiant, but it looks to me like the crew is more interesting in repairing the ship. Kirk and Spock are still investigating that little mystery, and have a little nerd pow-wow by Spock's computer.

Spock is looking records that flash too quickly to read across the screen. However, I have a pause button and will reproduce here: Elizabeth Dehner, P.H.D. (sic), lives on 1489 Delman New[something]. Geez, that's creative. She was also born in that city, in 1089.5. She's 21, 5'2'', and weights 116 pounds, and her father's name was Gerald. Wait, is that her current age? Or her age at enlistment? It looks like these records were made with a typewriter, so I don't know. Twenty-one years is pretty young for a Ph.D.

Her ESP sheet reads:

ESP RATING

Esper Rating: 089. Aperception quotient: 20/100.
Duke-Heidelburg Quotient: 256.
General Knowledge Quotient: 654895-109.

Esper rating and quotients are better than average, in all categories. Subject's history indicates an esper orientation pattern since childhood, evidenced in superiority at "guessing games", reading cards, et cetera. Esper-orientation and abilities are evident through both the maternal and paternal bloodlines, but in only one case does the indicated tendency toward ESP go back more than three generations.

Subject officer has been aware of the high ESP rating since secondary school days and it is, in part, the basis for interest and vocational training as a psychiatrist. Participation in tests and studies of other esper-oriented beings are the subject of a thesis now being published by this officer in association with the College of Medical Sciences of the Tri-Planetary Academy, and was, in fact, the reason for this officer's posting to the Aldebaron Colony.

It must be stressed that this officer's interest in esper-perception has been in relationship and pursuant to vocation as a psychiatrist.

Who is Duke-Heidelburg?

On to Lt. Comdr. Gary Mitchell. He lives on 8149 Eldman New[something]. He was also born in Eldman. I'm sensing a pattern. He was born on 1087.7, he's supposedly twenty-three years old, 5'9'', and one-hundred-sixty-something pounds. Shouldn't this all be in metric?

ESP RATING

Esper Rating: 091. Aperception quotient: 20/104.
Duke-Heidelburg Quotient: 261.
General Knowledge Quotient: 679532-112.

Esper rating and quotients are well above average, in all categories and exceptionally high in some. On planet Deneb IV, subject officer showed a marked ability in sensing the telepathic communication used by the inhabitants of that planet. In at least three cases (see notations on rear of report), subject officer carried on long telepathic communication with selected Deneb IV natives and scored 80 percent or higher on comprehension.

History on subject officer from childhood shows a consistent pattern of esper orientation, dating back to a better than average ability at the usual childhood "guessing games," some grade school interest and ability in elementary magician's tricks, et cetera. There is also a strong tendency through the maternal bloodline towards esper-oriented abilities, dating back through at least six generations to both male and females who dabbled in metaphysical studies and, in at least one case, a female ancestor who was interested in spiritual readings.

Cool. Telepaths from Deneb IV. Sounds like a bad sci-fi movie. Oh, wait, that's what it is!

Anyway, Dr. Dehner walks in, and Spock quickly alt-tabs back to an innocuous-looking game of solitaire. I'm really envying Dehner's spiffy blue collar, and her neat haircut. I think I could pull that off. Dehner reports that the autopsies of the dead guys showed that their brains were burned out. She feels fine, though, and so does Mitchell, except for his star-filled eyes. Dehner is investigating this even though she is just a psychiatrist and not qualified to do medical investigations. Maybe those autopsies she just reported were on LIVE PEOPLE! Kirk explains that he and Spock have looked up the esper ratings of all the affected crew, and, surprised! All of them had ESP abilities. Too bad they couldn't see their own demise by brain-burning. Dehner gets defensive. "Espers are simply people with flashes of insight!" "Are there not also those who seem to see through solid objects, cause fires to start spontaneously?" Spock shoots back. I really don't see what firestarting has to do with ESP, but he's Spock, so he's probably right. Dehner is even more defensive. "Dr. Dehner is speaking of normal ESP power," Spock says to Kirk. Oh, he's winning. "Perhaps you know of another kind?" Dehner asks, not sarcastically, as if she really does want to know. "Do we know for sure, Doctor, that there isn't another kind?" Kirk says, with a clever smirk, as if it were him, and not Spock, who did all the thinking on this one. Dr. Dehner just looks at him like he's a retard.

You just know his and Spock's esper ratings were in the negatives. I think they're just jealous.

And before we go any further, there's something I'd like to get off my breasts. Do you think it is a coincidence that Dr. Dehner, the only female crew member that we've seen, is also so emotional it interferes with her job? I mean, come on. Female intuition is a scientific fact in this universe. Dr. Dehner is so going to fall in love with Gary Mitchell, then probably be saved by Kirk and remonstrated for her illogical, emotionally-sissy ways by Spock.

Medical wing. There's a big panel with a red dot that beeps every time Gary Mitchell's heart beats. Patients must convalesce quickly to get away from it. Mitchell, with his creepy soulless eyes, is staring at a little display with a – you know, a thingy in it. Like those old paper newspaper? Microfilm, I think? I don't know what all this ancient technology is. He turns off the screen and stretches awkwardly in bed, so he isn't facing the door when Kirk walks in. "Hello, Jim!" he calls out. Oh, no, he wasn't looking! He must have ESP! Let's kill him.

They chat. Kirk mentions "that night on Deneb IV." The twin moons near the horizon, the cool breeze ... their velour uniforms abandoned on a purple-sanded beach for an impulsive midnight swim, the captain's yellow shirt intertwined with Gary's ... a quick, forbidden glance, then open admiration that lead to something more ... "Yeah, she was nova, that one," Gary chuckles. Oh. Never mind my slashy fantasy, then. Wait, what the fuck does "nova" mean? And is this the incident mentioned in his psychological report? All this "scored 80 percent or higher on comprehension" suddenly takes on a different light.

Mitchell says he feels well, and the only change he dislikes are his spooky glittery eyes. He's taking this opportunity to read "longhair stuff" that Kirk is supposedly into. Oh, come on. I can imagine Kirk holding a Dostoevsky novel, in order to pick up a hot date, but not actually reading it, unless there's a porn magazine hidden inside it or something. And then he wouldn't be reading it so much as ... wait, if he turned it sideways to get a better look at the centerfold, wouldn't that tip off the hypothetical Dostoevsky-loving hot date? Maybe it's a porn magazine without a centerfold. They don't really read books in the Trek universe anyway, so this is really stupid.

Mitchell is sucking up to Kirk for no reason, calling him a "stack of books with legs." Sexy legs. Mitchell recalls being warned away from Kirk's class in the academy, and, shockingly, not because Kirk was molesting all the students, though I'm sure that came up sooner or later. Kirk blushes and grins. Mitchell only passed because he distracted Kirk with a little blonde lab technician. No, I didn't make that up. He really says that. "I almost married her!" squeaks Kirk. I'm not sure how this worked. Wouldn't Kirk get suspicious if all her pillow-talk was on the subject of Isn't That Gary Mitchell A Swell Guy and You Should Pass Him With An A+? Also, I doubt the pimp-wannabe Mitchell could command the vast sums of money necessary to bribe a woman into sleeping with Kirk. Maybe she just flashed her tits, and while Kirk was still stunned, changed the grades in his grade-book. Or maybe the sex made him so happy he passed everybody in a post-orgasmic bliss.

Gary leans his head back on his pillow and says, with a smile, "You'd better be good to me. I'm getting even better ideas here." Creepy. Also, he's gotten smarter. How much smarter, you ask? Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Spinoza? Morons. Kirk doesn't want his pimp-wannabe friend back on duty just yet, before Dr. Dehner examines him. Gary mentions that there are about a hundred women on board, and he and Kirk decide to consider her a "challenge." I don't know which of them intends to fuck her, but this is downright disturbing. Kirk turns to leave, and Gary calls out, with the Voice of God, "Did I say you'd better ..." Kirk spins around. "...be good to me?" Gary finishes in his normal voice. Kirk is skeeved, but leaves.

Gary returns to flipping rapidly through ... the same three pages over and over again. Spock, monitoring his monitor on the monitor, reports that his reading speed has increased. "Is that Gary Mitchell, the one you used to know?" he asks Kirk. Nope, that Gary Mitchell was a dumb creepy ass. Kirk orders more tests, dammit, and Gary looks directly at him through the hidden security camera. Spoookay.

Sick bay. Old-doctor-who-isn't-Bones complains that Gary doesn't have anything wrong with him and leaves. Dr. Dehner and Gary banter, and Gary apologizes for calling her a "walking freezer unit." Next time he'll use an insult that is easier on the tongue. "Women professionals do tend to overcompensate," Dr. Dehner says. What? Wait! What the fuck? Compensate for what? Their supposed inferiority? I know this was 1960-something, but shut. The fuck. Up, Dr. Dehner.

Gary is mad that everyone is upset that he isn't sick, and proposes that he "changes the dials." The indicators move to the red zone and the heart monitor begins beeping rapidly. Dr. Dehner is amazed, and asks how he did it. "I'm not sure," Gary replies, his face showing uncertainty for the first time. "I ... I just thought of making it happen, and it does." He looks delighted for a moment, then calls, "Hey, watch this, Doc!" His pulse disappears, and all the indicators move south as Gary collapses on the bed. I've just noticed that they're labeled things like "Blood" and "Lungs." Dehner believes that Gary's heart has stopped, so of course she does nothing but stare at the medical beeper for about ten minutes, before shaking Gary lightly and listening for his heartbeat. He wakes up then, sensing that her boobs are in his proximity. Dr. Dehner's hair is just awesome.


See?

"You were dead for almost twenty-two seconds, there were no readings at all!" she exclaims. Gary laughs and mutters, "Oh, boy." Their faces are very close. Kissy-time. Instead, Gary grasps her hand and confesses his new-found speed-reading ability.

To test him, Dr. Dehner grabs a random disk and asks him what's on page 387. "My love has wings, / slender, feathered things / with grace in upswept curve and tapered tip," Gary recites. The Nightingale Woman, written by Tarbolde on the Canopius planet "back in 1996." I don't remember hackneyed metaphors being the rage amongst poets in 1996, but then I didn't live on Canopius. Dr. Dehner falls into Gary's arms somehow ...

And Kelso walks in on them. He's like, uh ... I'm on my coffee break and I'd thought I visit you, but uhm ... And Gary's like, No, dude, absolutely wonderful and fantabulous to see you! It's awesome that you interrupted me right when I was going to get some. Thank you so much for not knocking! Please, pull up a bedpan and allow me to inflict injuries on you so that you have an excuse to be hospitalized beside me. Gary wants to assure Kelso that he's not he's not gay: "Don't let the light in my eyes bother you, it's all for our, uh, our good-looking lady doctor here." Kelso's all, yeah, sure. They talk shop and Gary advises Kelso to check the third doohicky on the thingamajig before the whatsit fraggles the dooglehoff. Kelso's all, yeah, sure. Does he say that to everything? Hey, Kelso, yo' mamma's a ho! "Yeah, sure." Kelso, let's get married! "Yeah, sure." Kelso, are you now or have you every been a member of the communist party? "Yeah, sure." Gary is as fed-up with Kelso as I am. "I'm not joking, Lee!" he cries. That'd make a great YTMND. Kelso's all, yeah, sure, and goes to check it out. Gary complains that Kelso stupidly saw the fraggled whatsit and disregarded it. He knows from ESPN.

Conference room. Kelso is showing Kirk the fraggled whatsit that was, indeed, nearly hoggled to the boggan. Gary's ESPN has saved the thingamajig from certain prillypragglehood! Dr. Dehner walks in late, explaining that she was too "interested" in "observing" Gary Mitchell. (Anything looks dirty if you put quote marks around it.) Spock snaps that they aren't talking about Gary Mitchell. They are talking about the thing that Gary Mitchell is becoming - the Dark Phoenix. Dr. Dehner comes back at him with some racist remark about Vulcans being uncaring, and accuses Kirk of betraying his old friend. "It is my duty, whether pleasant, or unpleasant, to listen to the reporys, observations, even speculations on any subject that might affect the safety of this vessel," Kirk snaps. He says that all in one breath, too.

The meeting goes on. Kirk catches Dr. Dehner downplaying Mitchell's abilities (he's capable of telepathically interfering with bridge controls), and she passionately argues that Mitchell could be the beginning of a "new and better kind of human being." Everybody stares at her, aware her emotions have interfered with her judgment. Women. So irrational.

Sulu and Spock end the meeting with a report that Mitchell's powers are growing geometrically. Spock hangs back to talk with Kirk as a friend instead of a subordinate. The actors's body language and Spock's use of Kirk's first name really brings this across. While Kirk, looking pained and tired, leans against the wall of the conference room, Spock repeats that Mitchell is changing too fast for them to bring him to an Earth base. "In a month, he'll have as much in common with us as we'd have with a ship full of white mice." Under Kirk's urging to give specific advice, Spock gives two recommendations. The first is to leave Mitchell on a nearby planet called Delta Vega. It's a good plan, because Delta Vega is also home to a "lithium cracking station," with enough supplies for them to steal and use to repair the ship. The other is too kill Mitchell while they still can. Kirk likes the second plan even less than the first. "Get out of here," he snaps. Spock is adamant. Then Kirk does the very same thing he accused Dr. Dehner of, and assumes that Spock can only think such Horrible Things! because he is unemotional, not because he actually has a brain. "Will you try for one moment to feel?" Kirk soliloquizes. "At least act like you've got a heart? We're talking about Gary." Replace that with, "We're talking about Spock," and you may have some idea of how the first-time viewers heard this statement. Unfortunately for the suspense of this episodes, I can't see it the way the first-time viewers saw it. After all, there are no Gary Mitchell impersonators at Sci-Fi conventions. There are no Gary Mitchell collectable dolls, no Gary Mitchell fan clubs. Gary Mitchell was not featured on Futurama. He might as well be wearing a red shirt, because he is so dead.

After the commercial break, it's Stardate 1313.1. How do Stardates work? Is that a day later or a week? Kirk recaps the episode for the veiwers just joining them, as the Enterprise approaches Delta Vega. Kirk also says that he's known Gary for a decade and a half, so if I'm right and 23 was how old Gary was when he enlisted, then that puts Kirk in his late thirties or early forties. That's a bit older than I expected.

Medical wing. Gary Mitcehll is feeling a bit parched, so he floats a Dixie cup of water to his hand. Kirk just happens to catch him doing so. Oh my god! He can float polystyrene cups! Kill him! Spock and Dr. Dehner are with him, and they look rarin' to capture and release somebody. Gary and Kirk confront each other. For a guy with unlimited abilities, Gary sure is passive-aggressive. "Are you reading all our thoughts, Gary?" Kirk asks, thinking about breaking out his own Alien Mind-Control Ray Blocking Second Age of Men Gondorian Mithril Helmet. "I can sense mainly worry in you, Jim," replies Gary. His abilities are almost exactly like those of the Jedi. All Gary needs is instruction from a little green alien and a wardrobe change, and then there's no way he will go down the Dark Side.

Kirk poses a tough question: what would Gary do in Kirk's place? Gary's answer, which says more about him than anything he's done yet, is that he would do the same: kill him while he still could. I'm surprised that I find this moral dilemma actually interesting. I thought that Star Trek would be all fat, toupee'd Shatner have green alien sex on paper-mache rocks, but there hasn't been a girdle in sight. Even the acting isn't too horrible. I know that Gene Roddenberry was left-wing, but there's something really libertarian about the insistence that power is inevitably corrupting. Or perhaps Kirk's treatment of Gary is just a reflection of Kirk's frailities, Kirk's weaknesses and evils: if Kirk suddenly have unlimited power, what would he do with it? Could he resist temptation? Gary knows that if their positions were reversed, he would have to do the same, because Kirk is no wiser than he is.

Doesn't explain what Spock is after. I think he wants to kill Gary so he can be second-in-command.

Back to the action. Gary's creepy smile abruptly drops from his face, and he suddenly hits Kirk and Spock with electrical shocks in their chests. The charge isn't enough to stop their hearts, but damn. Gary's determined to dig his own grave. He says in his creepy way that he knows about Delta Vea, and he can't let Kirk leave him there, as he's not sure he can "use" that kind of planet. Dr. Dehner is quick to pick up on the usage, and to point it out for the dumb people watching the show: "'Use'?" Gary doesn't want to just dig his grave, he also caves his tombstone and chiselleds his own name into it: "The things I could do, like maybe a god could do–" He excitedly rises from his bed, and Kirk tries the old Judo-chop on him. Now, that's the sort of acting I associate with Star Trek. Kirk and Psock wrestles him into submission and Dr. Dehner tranqs him.

Materializer room! [Beep! boom-de-boom bwee! Du fweeengh!] The threesome haul Gary to the materializer pads, but he regains consciousness, and starts thrashing around. "You fools! Soon I'll squash you like insects-!" The white-haired doctor tranqs him again. Hee hee. Unconscious Gary can stand and support his own weight. "Energize!" They champagne out of the ship ...


I can't get over the fact that he's still standing.

...and champagne in on a matte painting of Delta Vega. The medical guys in blue shirts haul Gary away, as Kelso reports that, yeah, sure they can use the station's parts. Dr. Dehner takes a moment to take in the desolation of the planet, and asks Kirk if they are the only ones. "Nobody but us chickens, Doctor." Kirk replies. Well, that don't make a lick of sense.

Inside, Kirk asks Kelso to rig up a self-destruct switch for the compound. The salvage of spare parts is really boring, so I'm skipping it.

Gary Mitchell is secure inside a ... holding cell in an automated mining compound. Okay! Kirk wants as few people near him as possible, because that force-field around Gary won't stop his electrical ventriloquism. Or is telekinesis. Really, they have no chance in hell of containing him. At this point they should give up and try to appease him, but that might result in him living and there's no room for him in the opening credits. Gary looks at his captain with his light-filled eyes, and says "My friend, James Kirk." Ooh, burn. Gary reminds Kirk of the time he nearly died saving Kirk from the poison-dart-throwing rodent things of Dimorus. Kirk accuses Gary of planning to take over the ship, and brings up the "squash you like insects" thing. "I was drugged then," Gary counters. Ooh. Double-burn. If you're going to go out, at least make 'em feel really guilty about it. Kirk, losing ground fast, recalls that Gary said he'd kill himself, and Gary taunts him, telling him to go ahead and kill him. "You don't mean that, Gary," says Dr. Dehner, looking like she's taken a few tranqs herself. Gary selects a mahogany coffin with a red stain lining, and puts a few plastic flowers on his grave, ranting that humankind will not survive if supermankind is born, and throws himself into the force-field a couple of times, until it spits him out and he flies across the room. For a moment, his eyes loose their starriness and he whispers weakly, "Jim ..." What first came to my mind was that the alien entity possessing Mitchell had loosed his hold him, and he was begging Kirk for help, but Spock's interpretation is different: "Fighting the force field drained his strength. For a while at least, he could be handled now." Spock is usually right about these things, so there goes my theory. In the time it takes Spock to say that, Gary's eyes revert to creepy mode. "I'll just keep getting stronger," he says. "You know that, don't you? And by the way, the grave-side service will be at three, followed by a visitation at four. Could you see if Sulu's up to arranging the refreshments? I figured that a Hawaiian theme would work. Oh, and be sure to have plenty of booze around, or Jim probably won't bother to come."

Repairs are boring. On with the story!

Scotty calls the captain on his cell phone, asking him if he got the phaser rifle. Kirk is like, I didn't order a phaser rifle - ! And then Spock walks in with a huge phaser rifle on his arm. It's hilarious. Kirk says never mind, we got the phaser rifle.

Spock reports that Gary tried to walk through the force-field agin, and wasn't as weakened. "Dr. Dehner feels that he isn't dangerous!" Kirk exclaims. Spock says he knows better because he doesn't feel. Oh, haven't we been over this before?

And in other plotlines I don't care about, Kelso has rigged up a self-destruct for the compound. Fascinating. Kirk orders him to use it to destroy Gary, if necessary. The commercial break thinks this is riveting drama, and not slackening pace.

Stardate 1313.3 HOW DO THE STARDATES WORK?!? WHY TELLS US THE DATE IF NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS?!? irk logs that Kelso has fixed the Enterprise. Meanwhile, Gary is growing stronger. Dr. Dehner stares at him with a strange half-grin. Mitchell isn't communicating with the people in the room with him, just staring at the walls. Kirk, half for Mitchell's benefit, tells them they are transporting away and that Kelso will be glued to the self-destruct button until the last moment. "I'm staying behind with him," Dr. Dehner murmurs. Wait! What?

But there's no time to explore plot-points that are actually surprising! Kelso is chatting with Scotyy about the great job he did with th repairs when he is strangled by a cable. Ah, Kelso. Hoisted on your own petard. And finally Gary Mitchell has done something actually evil, although it could be theoretically construed as self-defense. Dr. Dehner is arguing with Kirk about her staying behind when Gary interrupts, holding up his hand like he's the Pope or something. "You should have killed me while you could, James," he intones. "Command and compassion is a fool's mixture" he adds, with the Voice of God. He does his electricity trick again, taking out Kirk and Spock before he can use his precious phaser rifle. With a wave of his hand he disables the force-field, and beckons in the preternaturally calm Dr. Dehner. Her eyes are all shiny too! Well, I haven't seen that coming for almost half of the episode! No way! At least it explains why she's been acting so loopy lately.

Some time later, the white-haired doctor revives Kirk by putting a pill in his mouth. Ah, space-aged medicine. The doctor rather cheerfully reports that Kelso is dead, adding "At least Spock's alive." A-freakin'-men to that! Kirk tells the doctor that he's going after Gary and Dr. Dehner by himself, and that the doc and Spock, once revived, should transport up to the Enterprise, ready to leave orbit if he doesn't call them within a set time, and warp to the nearest Earth base to make the recommendation that the planet be nuked. Kirk's taking the phaser rifle.

Oustide, Dr. Dehner is depressed by the emptiness and lifelessness of the planet, so Gary Mitchell conjures up an oasis of rather ugly flowers and a stream bubbling out of a rock. Gary is in full-on God mode, one step away from referring to himself in the third-person.

Meanwhile, Kirk, holding his phallic phaser rifle erect, squeezes through a narrow, yonic crevasse. And they use "subtext" like it's all homoerotic.

Gary stands up, sensing Kirk. He describes him as a "very foolish man," and it's hard to argue. For example, Kirk, shimmering up a plaster imitation of a rock-face, knocks a plaster bolder off a ledge.

Gary conjures up a tree of Kaferian apples, which look like pears with a cluster of dark seeds in the middle. He starts speaking in Kirk's head, just to dick with him, telling him he's on the right path. Dr. Dehner is excited because she can sense Kirk too, so Gary sends her to talk with him. Supposedly this will let her realize the real unimportance of normal people, but it really is giving Kirk an opportunity to come between the two. Gary is an idiot.

Suddenly, she's right in front of Kirk. Can she teleport? Between that and the ability to create food out of nothing, I think that theses mutants could save millions of lives! Let's kill them. "Yes, it just took a little longer for it to happen to me," Dr. Dehner explains. Because she's a woman. They can't even be evil properly. Kirk asks for her help, trying to appeal to her remaining humanity. "Did you hear him joke about compassion?" No, actually I didn't. "Above all else, a god needs compassion!" Kirk shouts at the sky. And a sense of humor, to deal with creatures like Kirk. Then he tries to appeal to her psychiatric knowledge. He asks her what she expects, as a psychiatrist. "He's coming," Dr. Dehner monotones. Kirk wildly swings his phaser rifle around and points it at nothing. Yes, the episode is finally approaching the levels of camp I expected. "I'm disappointed at you, Elizabeth," Gary says in the Voice of God, and Kirk greets him with a completely unnecessary somersault and a phaser shot to the gut. It does squat, of course, and Gary swats the rifles away like swatting away a fly. "I've been contemplating the death of an old friend," Gary says, looking pointedly at a boulder shaped like two breasts on the side of the cliff. Kirk, oddly enough, isn't thrilled at the prospect of being crushed beneath the breasts. Gary conjures a very shallow grave, and even a cardboard tombstone engraved "JAMES R. KIRK. b. 1217.1 d. 1313.7"

Dr. Dehner finally intervenes, with "Stop it, Gary!" "Morals ...are for men .... not gods," Gary reples, eventually. "A GOD ... but still driven by human frailty! Do you like what you see?" Kirk says. "Time to pray, Captain! Pray to me!" Gary Mitchell says, forcing Kirk to very badly mime. "To you? Not to both of you?" Kirk says. "Pray that you die easily!" Gary says, forcing Kirk to his knees, and then to put his hands together. Kirk makes his orgasm face. "There'll only be one of you in the end!" Kirk continues. Gary forces his hands together, and Kirk makes a few more orgasm faces. "One ... jealous ... god! If all this makes a god! Or is it making you something else!" "Your last chance, Kirk," Gary says. "Do you like what you see?" Kirk whispers, his hands trembling in front of his face. Someone should so take that out of context. "Absolute power corrupting absolutely!"

And finally Dehner stops being a passive onlooker, and attacks Gary. They being to battle fiercely, only in ways that we can't really see. Dr. Dehner drives Gary back until the lights fade from his eyes. "Hurry!" she calls, to weak to fight any more herself.

Kirk runs, grabs the phaser rifle, and shoots Gary. The End.

Okay, no. Instead, Kirk starts fighting hand-to-hand with Gary. Kirk's shirt gets torn. Now I'm watching Star Trek. Kirk finally overpowers Gary, raising a paper-mache rock over his head to bash his friend's brains out. He can't quite bring himself to cave in the face of so long an acquaintance, but in the time it takes him to apologize, Gary's eyes regain their lustrous quality. He tosses Kirk aside like he's a ragdoll. Our intrepid hero manages to push him into the grave, however, and before Gary can climb out, grabs the phaser rifle and shoots at the boobie-boulder, dislodging it and sending it crashing to rest on the grave meant for Kirk, squashing Gary Mitchell for good. I told you he dug his own grave!


"Please don't ... violate ... my corpse ..."

Kirk limps over to Dr. Dehner. "I'm sorry ... you ... can't know what it's like to ... be almost a ... god." She expires. Kirk pulls out his communicator and hopes that the Enterprise crew has not taken any initiative.

Enterprise. Kirk has a bandage on his hand, which is one body part that he definitely did not injure. Whatever, they were probably shot out of synch. Kirk logs Dr. Dehner and Gary Mitchell's deaths, noting that they died while performing their duties. Dude, thatt is so unfair to Kelso. In fact, the real death toll is like this:

1. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
2. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
3. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
4. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
5. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
6. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
7. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
8. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
9. Unnamed crewmember: Brain burned out by purple Jello force-field.
10. Lt. Lee Kelso: Strangled with cable telekinetically by Lt. Cmdr. Gary Mitchell.
11. Lt. Cmdr. Gary Mitchell: Squashed by boobie-boulder upended by Capt. Kirk.
12. Dr. Elizabeth Dehner: dead from telepathic duel with Lt. Cmdr. Gary Mitchell.

Yes, I intend to keep track of these things.

Arm Candy is still there. Spock sympathetically stands beside Kirk, who justifies his creative record-keeping by saying that Gary didn't ask for his fate. "I felt for him, too," Spock admits. "I believe there's some hope for you after all, Mr. Spock," Kirk says. Then they laguh, and there's a freeze-frame, and somewhere, Gary Mitchell cries and cries because he is so soon forgotten as Kirk's favorite.

Well, that's my first Star Trek episode, and Kirk didn't get laid, not even once.