Bedlight for BlueEYES

ligeia @ 2006-03-08T17:40:00

2006-03-09T00:41:10Z

Bad news. Christian has announced he has left the band. He posted this in his Myspace Blog.
Just for those of you who didn't know.

I spent about five and a half hours writing this statement yesterday. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. Sitting here writing to you, I feel drained. Really really drained. It's like I was passing a fucking tumor. I read it to my family. They are behind me and that to me is the most important thing. It reassures me that the truth is always the way to go. I managed to write everything I needed to say. I found the words. I left nothing out, pulled no punches, not even on myself. I feel drained now, but it is a feeling that comes with relief and a sense of closure that I desperately needed. Here is my statement. It's long, but I tried not to leave anything out.

I left BEDlight for BlueEYES. I told our management, the label, and the other members of the band last month. I've been agonizing over how to tell you ever since. There is so much I want you to know but I can't seem to put it to words without losing it. Listen to me though, everything I have ever written to you, showed you, related to you, sang to you, screamed with you is and will always be straight from my heart, sincere to the utmost, from the very depths of the most ugly and beautiful pieces of myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I left the band, but I pray and pray and pray that you realize that I will never, could never abandon or betray you, my friends and fans. It begins and ends with you, at least for me. Those of you that have been with BEDLIGHT from the beginning and bled with me and worked so hard to spread the word, came to show after show to scream out as one unified spirit, spent ridiculous amounts of time and money on merch and CD's to keep us afloat... this message is for you and for all like you that found something, anything of value in our music. I left because I had to. I had no choice. I was losing myself completely. I was losing my heart and soul. I was losing sight of all the reasons that I wanted to be in a band to begin with... losing the people closest to me and finding emptiness and indifference behind the glares of those around me. All I have ever wanted to do was reach out to people on some level, profound or otherwise. Let my body become the consummate extension of my spirit and in doing so show you that you are not the only one that knows the depths of despair and the heights of passion… that you are not alone. Sometimes the preacher is deaf to his sermon, figuratively speaking. BEDlight for BlueEYES has always had a very specific meaning to me. It meant simply "hope for the broken". Music for people that needed it, I wanted desperately to make music that would serve as that one ray of light that shines down on you when you are lost within those darkest moments. Moments that I have experienced time and again in my life, many more times than I would ever wish on any other person. In truth, my greatest fear is that everything I have said and done in the last two years will mean nothing, will stand for nothing, and amount to absolutely nothing. Erased like so many loose pencil sketches, I feel as invisible and isolated as I ever have. In the beginning, I think we were all like minded in the pursuit of succeeding. My mistake was assuming we shared the same vision of success. I was blinded by my ambition and my desire to succeed. I saw these four guys as my chance to "make it" and I just would not accept NO. In that vain, I ignored the blaring discrepancies between us as people and as musicians. As a result, everyday… slowly but surely, a terrible price was being paid. With every compromise you make, you lose it a little of yourself, and everything began to get serious. The band was being perverted into some kind of arena rock party band bullshit that makes me nauseous to think of even now. The band as a whole never agreed on a meaning behind our name or songs or anything at all really. Asking them what any of the songs or the band name meant usually produced wildly different answers. I'm not being spiteful or bitter, it's the truth. The band and I were always extremely different in almost everyway. I thought that was a virtue once. Over the next two years I would come to learn just how different we were. Whether it was me being the only one to stay in the crowd show after show making sure I spoke to everyone who came to the show, or regularly busting my ass to promote and talk up the band with flyers and posters and online work which I did by myself, or how my gf and I spent night after sleepless night working on the street team packets and the street team projects and organization while they couldn't even be reached on the phone. The worst moment for me was when they actually complained about having to sign so many CD's for the Pre-Order contest... I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe our values were so completely different. How could I have ever condoned this? I would always make excuses for them in my mind and to everyone else, ("oh they're packing up", "they had plans", "they just stepped out", "they're drinking but at least they're not drunk") but these things built up after time and came to a head once I started taking medication for my Bipolar disorder. Before I began taking my medication, they (bedlight) had convinced me that the bands problems rested squarely on my shoulders. That it was my fault for being so demanding and so needy. Who was I to set my standards so high? I was often guilty of swinging from extremes or losing control of myself. Admittedly, it must have been a nightmare dealing with me sometimes, maybe more often than not. (I recall once during a show in Missouri, Derek kept bumping into me on stage and I thought he was doing it intentionally. Whether he was or not who knows. Without realizing what I was doing, I reached out and put my hand around his neck on stage. It must have lasted like a split second, but that was more than enough. I almost got my ass handed to me that night and rightly so. I think he ultimately realized how little control someone like me has sometimes.) Going from the heights of excitement to the depths of full on depression in the space of an hour can leave people baffled and confused. Feeling guilty for my repeated outbursts I ultimately came to believe them. Believe that I was in fact the problem. Despite night after night of tireless work, despite the commitment and discipline I alone seemed to possess, despite the one on one relationships that I alone seemed interested in maintaining with our friends and fans, despite ALL THESE THINGS… I believed I was wrong. Why? Because all I ever wanted was to belong. At that point I had never felt that. Paranoia and Isolation have always been stalwart companions. As stupid as this sounds, I wanted so badly to be accepted by them, to finally have a place. When you don't love yourself at all, you'd be surprised what you condone to gain someone else's approval, someone else's validation. After the static tour, the band told me I should get some help. Ironically that would mark the beginning of the end for BEDlight for BlueEYES… at least my involvement in it anyhow. (The band myspace proudly proclaims, "fuck the rumors the band hasn't broken up".) During the time I spent at home I began seeing a psychiatrist regularly. He was someone to help me sort through all the bullshit. The sessions were never forced always comfortable, and with a little help he gave me some tools for a little self maintenance. I was slowly granted brief moments of clarity that let me look upon all these situations objectively. Suddenly, I became aware of subtle manipulations and tactics being used by the rest of the band for some time. The same treatment the band had hoped would make me more docile had only resulted in stoking the flames to an unprecedented height. When I finally realized what had happened, was happening, I wanted to die. I felt so used and betrayed. This was probably a month or two after being home from the static tour, two weeks or so before we were supposed to leave again. (I have no concept of time, I could be totally off) I was dumbfounded. How could I have allowed this to go on as long as I did? Every time the thought of leaving on tour with them crossed my mind, I couldn't stop hyperventilating. There is another important aspect of the story. Since the time we returned from tour, through the guidance of my doctor and an unwavering commitment to improve and soul search, I finally discovered the meaning of real love and support in the family I had spent a lifetime shunning. Once again, the hard work and the meds granted me the clarity that opened the door to reestablishing relationships with my mother and father, brother and sisters. I rediscovered just how much they meant to me and just how much they had sacrificed in dealing with me and all my problems for so long. Once the doors were opened it was like I was living a totally new life. I found comfort where once there was only anger. I found peace of mind where there was only pain. They helped me so much. Helped me and continue to help me to find my own legs, my own spirit again. I finally decided there was just no fucking way in hell I was going to leave the people I loved so dearly, the father that needed me, the sisters and brother that looked up to me, the mother that depended on me, the fiancé that held my hand and led me out of agony despite what all my terrible mistakes… for what? To spend month after month with four other people that I couldn't even look in the eye? Constantly watch my back and try to decipher between manipulations and sincerity? If by some tragedy I had chosen to leave with them, I can say to you with every bit of certainty I can muster, that I would have destroyed myself and silenced the problem as they saw it. Instead, by some incredible miracle, I was blessed with a fiancé that has seen me through the mouth of hell, a family that loves me more than life itself, true friends that never say die (yes I can count them on one hand, and I fucking like it that way), and a new found understanding of things that for the most part gives me hope for brighter days; days when I can smile and laugh and love without the constant shadow of denial, self hatred, and doubt lurking behind every thought and every action. All I can do now is sit and slowly pick up the pieces. Slowly figure myself out. I don't have the strength for anything else. I'm not looking for pity, just understanding. So many things might be said or withheld by other people that I felt it absolutely necessary I tell my story as completely and coherently as I could. If I left the band and never gave so much as an explanation I would feel like I've betrayed you… Let you down. A friend of mine told me today that kids will never know the whole story. I guess that's true. Perspective can change everything. From the beginning I made a promise to myself that I would be as open as possible with everything I had been through. Not just for myself but for every one of you who sit quietly and deal with all manner of demons. That raw honesty, in my opinion, is the only serum capable of curing a world gone mad. In the end, I am that dreamer, hopeless to a fault. There has to be something better. There has to be… So with this last gesture as BEDLIGHT's front man, I hope you find some kind of meaning between these lines, despite all the insanity. I hope that you understand that just like you, I'm just trying to survive. I had to do this. I had to leave. Something terrible would have happened to me, I know it, but instead I miraculously chose to walk away. It was all I could do to escape with some vestige of dignity and sanity. I hope you can see that. This band was never a happy family, despite how hard I wanted it to be, despite how vehemently I declared it to be. We just wanted drastically different things, believed in drastically different things, and pursued drastically different things. Believe me, there is no greater hell, no sharper pain… than taking that thing which you have spent a lifetime dreaming of, bleeding for, sacrificing everything for only to have that precious thing, that ideal, that dream slowly but surely perverted, jaded, tainted into a fucking abomination. Regardless of what versions you may hear from anyone else, this is my truth. This is my reality. Now I have to deal with it as best I can one day at a time. Thank you for giving a fuck about me when I didn't even give a fuck about myself. Thank you for, at the very least, hearing me out. Thank you for two years of unforgettable shows and memories.

Your friend,

Christian A. Guerrero

P.S.: Without you I am nothing.

In reverie

In those moments between plans,

when my mind unwittingly wanders to wilder days;

I will think on those caustic times,

when BEDLIGHT took the stage:

Spirits screaming out as one,

passion flowed like water then,

a tempest of unbridled youth,

I pray I taste it once again.

In pursuit of my perfection

In pursuit of my perfection

Each word is a battle, every verse a war

Tempered by the ghosts of giants

I long for greater heights

I dream of restful nights

Free of anguish and penetrating sadness

The kind of hopeless sadness that washes over everything

I believe my perfection saves

It may even save me someday, but

The preacher is deaf to the sermon

My words, though sincere and utterly heartfelt

do not ring clearly in my own ears

It's as if, once uttered, they become distorted

Hollow shadows of themselves

No comfort in them

Maybe because I too am touched by despair

maybe because I too so desperately want

To believe

To belong

To know hope again

I believed once

I knew hope

from the dizzying heights on which you perched me

When I took the stage in shared passionate frenzy

I looked out beyond the blackness

and saw a thousand like minded faces screaming

"I understand"

"Me too"

Now I sit alone and ponder

In pursuit of my perfection

Back to the familiar dimensions

of a prison transformed

Loving faces melt away

the memories of yesterday

When I was trapped and so afraid

of vanishing.

My perfection is measured

in moments unspectacular

When I feel at ease and unconcerned

with daggers behind smiles

I found a place where I can heal

I found a place where I can feel

It's all I have now

It's all I want now

home

ligeia @ 2006-01-14T07:07:00

2006-01-14T12:07:52Z

would anyone happen to have any bedlight colorbars? they would be much appreciated ♥

ligeia @ 2005-12-29T19:09:00

2005-12-30T00:09:32Z

this is crazy, i didn't think bedlight had a lj community

has anyone heard the christmas song? its pretty funny, plus they say berkeley heights a bajillion times (++++)

ligeia @ 2005-12-07T00:13:00

2005-12-07T07:15:35Z

Hey all... Just joined - One of the guys found you all and posted a bulletin on Myspace so here I am! I was lucky enough to see the guys on the 22nd of November and I was totally blown away! They're all so incredibly nice and totally willing to talk to fans, and their live show was AMAZING! I had tons of fun and if any of you are ever lucky enough to have these guys stumble your way, totally check them out! Danny threw a pick to me after the show - Neato! :)

bedlight tabs

2005-11-21T04:27:04Z

does anyone know where i can get tabs for emphemeral addictions or any other bedlight songs?

thanks in advance.

Hi!

2005-10-04T18:01:00Z

Hi, my names katie and i love bedlight!

my sister's friend was listening to the cd like a month ago and i fell in love..i think i should go be seeing them soon, which will totally be awesome

but yeah..thats pretty much it..im bad at intros

New...

2005-08-17T02:46:24Z

Hey everyone. I just joined this community.

I was sooo excited to find a BEDlight for BlueEYES community. I am simply in LOVE with them.

I've met them all...In fact, they all stayed overnight at my house (they had a show the next night & they needed a place to stay nearby...even though my place is about an hour and a half away from where they were supposed to be playing). I'm actually in the BEDlight video journal. If you've watched the "Our friends in NY let us crash at their place, we thought we would throw them on the journal because they rule" video, I'm the one with the black hair & camo&pink BEDlight t-shirt.

Me, my friend Lydia & my brother Max with BEDlight at my house!!

That's the poster they signed for me.

ah

2005-08-14T20:43:29Z

the cd is amazing
but was anyone else disapointed with the new cut of leaving berkeley heights?
its slower...and different
and it used to be my favorite song

[edit] actually. its growing on me.

Hm..

2005-08-14T05:49:16Z

Alright, so on the back cover of my copy of The Dawn, it's signed by the band and under where Justin signed it, it says "wait". Does anyone else have that?

It's prolly doesnt mean anything, it jsut made me curious, so I thought I'd ask.

<33Chelsey

Anything, everything we had is over...

2005-08-12T18:04:20Z

My BEDlight For BlueEYES CD came today.

I'm listening to it right now.

It is absolutely ORGASMIC!

ligeia @ 2005-08-08T12:33:00

2005-08-08T16:30:40Z

SUPP@ MY PRE-ORDERED CD SHIPPING TODAY

[yeah im excited]

ligeia @ 2005-08-02T20:04:00

2005-08-03T00:04:29Z

i'm street team captain for cherry hill, nj. what what!? well, we'll have to see how that all plays out. but i'm SUPER excited.

love and music,
brittie

ligeia @ 2005-07-30T22:31:00

2005-08-01T02:37:25Z

Hello lovelys,

I LOVE Bedlight for blue eyes.

they rock hardcore.

i found out about them through christian on myspace, beefore they were signed. I have seen them play and i have met christian and his lovely girl friend. They rock.

i am a part of there street team. [bedlights]

does anyone have bedlight for blueeyes icons?

♥ Mack.

ligeia @ 2005-07-28T06:32:00

2005-07-28T13:36:53Z

If you have GJ join my BEDlight GJ community. It's brand-spankin' new. So, join it, pimp it and show BEDlight your undying eternal love.

ligeia @ 2005-07-09T11:33:00

2005-07-09T15:33:33Z

oops no show. damn weather. fuckin' a.

bedlight for blueeyes show tomorrow

2005-07-08T00:00:52Z

so i'm going to the bedlight for blueeyes show tomorrow in bound brook, nj. anyone else going? i'm driving with my friend debra an hour and 15 mins from here (cherry hill, nj) to see them. poss. gonna meet them... and just have a good old rockin' time. damn the rain though. but if you're also going, thats awesome too. ROCK ON.

♥ brittie

ligeia @ 2005-06-10T23:08:00

2005-06-11T03:08:38Z

anyone know where I can get some BLFBE merch?

yes!

2005-05-29T23:50:37Z

greenzap

2005-05-03T18:52:49Z

This has nothing to do with the band, but I thought some of you might be intrested...

www.greenzap.com/CATATONIC

I guess if you preregister you get 25$ and I get 5$. It seems cool. Read it and figure it out. It's free.

very weird.

2005-04-29T12:44:38Z

i'd just like to share a very weird dream i had last night.

so, it was christian and i and he had taken me to one of their shows. we go there and my friend mike hatalak(it dies today) was there playing guitar for them. so i walk up to mike and say, "wtf are you doing here" and hes like, "stalking you" and im like, "erm...sure" so christian comes over and says to mike, "back off of my woooommmaaaaannn" and mike grabs my ass and says "no way maaaannn shes mine now." and we walked away and christian just stood there all sad.

it was kinda a cute dream...but sad and weird.

ligeia @ 2005-04-25T17:18:00

2005-04-25T21:19:20Z

last night was the second time i saw bedlight for blue eyes. and it was awesome because they were special guests at this show yesterday on long island so it was a shocker that they played. i talked to christian telling him i liked the preformacne and how i saw them the second time and he ended up giving me and my friends a bunch of free posters and a cd with a mix of other bands on it. it was very swell

ligeia @ 2005-03-29T13:21:00

2005-03-29T18:21:30Z

add me on MYSPACE..ship.

yes!!!

2005-03-26T09:16:09Z

ha i just made friends with Christian on myspace
:]

freak out

2005-03-25T17:18:12Z

did anyone see the Article about BLFBE in AP????

ligeia @ 2005-03-12T17:10:00

2005-03-12T22:12:36Z

hey, i just joined the community...so i thought i'd say hi :)

Bedlight for BlueEYES

__ligeia__ @ 2006-03-08T17:40:00

__ligeia__ @ 2006-01-14T07:07:00

__ligeia__ @ 2005-12-29T19:09:00

__ligeia__ @ 2005-12-07T00:13:00