Below are the most recent 18 friends' journal entries.

Friday, October 10th, 2008
tiddlywinktal	7:47p	IT. You can't see. What the fuck. There is an abnormal fear that is here...these things don't leave- they are established pre-verbally, and they are apparent to those who see clearly- that it is a rock as certain as mortality. (can you see clearly?) Shitty. Fucking. conditioned response. It is not conscious. One has no control over it- and yet everyone attributes, or makes assumptions. I just need someone who fucking gets it, I wish I could appoint the appropriate persons to make it all better, put a band aid on the evolution of damage. The lost twin, the rescuer. I don't know how I will ever come out on the end of this. But you would- and I need to know- but only from you. only because of it. Strangers who should have no meaning otherwise. The strangers don't even have any comprehension about how much they mean from a place of depravation. I love. But its not desperate. There is a difference. Its selective. I exercise no choice. I don't even know you/them/these people. Have you noticed restraint? Right now its a blank card- what if It came out right? How can I make it right? Can you make it right? I cannot reach you. You cannot see. A paradigm shift with no paper trail. I am more confused about it than you are- or the strangers are. It doesn't help that neither of us understands what's in between us. I can make illustrations- I could point out different parts working at once- because I have forever wanted an answer to this. I have studied it with all the time I've had surplus- from the lack of socializing in my records. It knocked on my front door before I could read or write. To communicate to you my reaction- the reaction not tied to any decision-making abilities I may have. Hard wired. But there is no "us"- I have to create an "us"- to stay alive. In every pure definition of the word. ...always being misrepresented because of it. I didn't choose to become fixated, I am confused about the salience of this response. And for some reason- my being truthful about this confusion- my being truthful about vulnerable topics only frightens you. What frightens me is that you never looked to see these things. You instead turned on your tv. When I think about specifics, You don't understand.... and thats the worst part. Thats the need. I neeeeeeddd you to get it. It won't go away, and I cannot resolve it on my own. And everything- it always goes to mourning. To mourn everyone you have met. To mourn people who you could not choose to not be in your life. To hate. Like an empathic caretaker. Maybe his caretaker didn't hear. Again, maybe the boy doesn't understand. You question justice because of it. You hallucinate. You become stiff and your body is taxed. People laugh. They participate in their own, separate and synthetic forms of perceptual "recreation"- but you never asked for this skewing of reality. You do your best to stay healthy- you are weaker than those who naturally place objects in their own path. Because you spend your energy in ways many people would never even be educated about. You lose sleep over functions unrecorded. You temporairly lose your eye sight and your nervous system. You disassociate. You go off your dreams as the only thing for feeling, as the intensity of real- time feeling crosses the line into fear. You cannot feel correctly when its that way. You cannot stay in place when its that way. "IT!!!!" I have only to hate it. - there is absolutely no possibility of love in "it"- only unless you understood- that is the only way I could contrive something through that, your understanding, which would be miraculous, which I cannot see, but I will do my best to work, to somehow make that a reality for me. You is not plural. I will do my best to make eye contact. I have so much to offer. You have no idea. That is really what I live for. I wish you could know- I could say I wish infinitely. If I could tat it on my head- or harrass you- neither would work. Directness won't work. I did my part, I traumatized the situation- I have to hold out my hand for the lamb to eat off of. Please remember what I could be. Please think about it- Patience is right behind resilience. But then the question is- what should I be patient for if you may not come around? That would be terminating something. I passed that and cant do that. That very specific understanding. I cannot pass or move through anything until Its there. I will do anything. I will sacrifice anything if "that" was somehow guaranteed to me. Indirect. But I deserve it- I have it in return. I can't think of anything that I wouldn't already sacrifice. Put a name to it- and I would easily wish it gone. Things people would never even think of giving up- I want it gone if I could get what is really meaningful in return. Unspeakable, things. I won't publish. But I know It diminishes you to a willingness towards a type of moral slavery at best, or rather, a guessed investment. There is an Inverted universe because of it... but it doesn't register to anyone outside of my perceptions, and I am aware of that fully. Your notion of hate is powerful in a different sense. Hate your family, your friends. But love more than anything-love only the strangers....speak to the strangers. Try your best to speak to the strangers- somehow they mean more. They mean something you have not had. Slowly try to cleanse-forget any notion of intimacy with anything or one in order to believe you can survive. Negate all worth. Share nothing. its beyond lack of trust- its ingrained to stop. Fear and love combine- and do not seperate. You are not allowed to bond or attach except to strangers, and you must fear them radically. It means nothing otherwise. You are not allowed to give anyone your life except strangers. They must be distant. Take note of the different states of existence. How each of the years is a different bitmap- a different scale of power versus relations. Your engagement versus your trying to survive. Your continued disappointment, versus your will to try to fix things that you are not in charge of fixing. Your patience, versus your agonizing and ruminations. Your test scores, your GPA don't apply to this area of experience. They must be uninterested. They must follow the pattern which is destructive to stability - leaving much in pieces. I do know the ache is correct- that is the only right thing I know for certain-but to ache in absence- to ache continuously- resiliently, to ache as you have in the span of your existence, to ache as a child not even occupied with first words- to ache as a toddler, a preschooler, gradeschooler, adolescent, adult....but without proper consumption- without proper return- its an intangible version of disorder. To even try to explain this ache to someone who has been attended to healthfully their whole life- to even try to explain this ache to the ones I ache about, its another sense undeveloped. You grow in this place, denying all, replacing it with distortion- an invisible travesty, only through hardwork placed upon you, a burden you have to see as the cause weighing you down, can be straightened out. A sentence of hardwork- a period of intense fear- anxiety which you cannot go around- only through- but you have trouble even approaching it- you have trouble communicating it- you just want to go through it, you want the intensity to end, and be replaced by something more gentle- more kind to your existence. And no one knows what the hell you are talking about. So mistake; if before, you had no answers, and were not surrounded with correct clairty- a child will turn the blame on themself to make sense of the world- but now only to have it turned around- when you can see clearly- you can see the irresponsiblity- the blindness of those you trusted your life and safety with- and you come out with your gut as correct. The people you are supposed to trust and love the most should be the last on your list to actually give those things to. I believe respect and love should be earned. Thats how the eraser works. But what do you do with your blank sheet of paper- you are afraid to fill it up with new things-will they be like the old? Do you have any energy stored incase you need to erase again? While you prove how much you deserve it- for example through the exercise of strength in not eating- there is a physical limit before death. In your amygdala- the limit is death also- it comes through slower forms. Your own-self propelled forms, your "healthy" reaction of insanity to an external figure which does not sustain you. You are embarrassed about your insanity. You shouldn't be- because no one is there. Truth: I don't know; how am I still able to ache- a testament to human resilience. Three cheers to the pathway that is responsible for that- otherwise many more of us could not stay breathing. Thanks to the train tracks, and evolution, and the child/self division, I don't give up. This is the only way I know how to communicate without digging a deeper hole for both of us. This is also the only way I know how to make it easier for us- by making it black and white. Paradoxically, its only going to be more grey. No one works through the metaphors- you exorcise it through things you can't share. You want to share badly. You would cut off your limbs in all truth for it. The great wall of... Live frugally- live emotionally frugally- you are surrounded with no one. You imagine someone then scold yourself for thinking that will ever happen- but there's a horrible mixture of hope with devastation. Its the hope that is the main element. 'hope' equals the fuel for this resilience. Its so bitter- the sweet is barely noticeable. That is talent- to excavate whatever sweetness there is- and enhance and internalize it as much as possible- develop and learn optimism to reduce the component of devastation. There is a gamble for the outcome- you are misled miles off of the path- can you reprogram to get back on? You have never actually seen or been on the path ever... You dont know how to react when you have witnessed for the first time something unexperienced in your lifetime. Fear I hear. Premature-deaths. knowing these limits- we can understandably die young. I still don't understand... I am still here. Maybe it cancels out your lack of understanding. Its a mathematical equation. You are a professional- you can prove to anyone- especially those who cannot be convinced. Thats when you learn. It is unnatural to go this long. lifespan is shortened when you go this long. third world countries go longer. Your vigilance is remarkable- and no one knows because you have attended so well to cover. Question: can you keep this up? No... I eventually lose my voice- cause I haven't heard it speak in a while. I only scare you away. But its the only thing that matters and it is prevented through this... (umm) silence. Next time we see eachother, the best I can do is pretend that we know eachother. Either that or we are strangers. Truth.
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Thursday, October 9th, 2008
dontelltheelf	10:26p	Vegas!!!! My cousin Amy's gonna take me to the NKOTB show!!! \o/ She's so funny. I guess she took her sister Laura to the show last night, and Amy came back all fangirly. She's almost 36 and this is the first time she's ever liked them. I'm so excited!! Current Mood: silly
2 Outsmarted !
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
dontelltheelf	9:57p	DWIGHT ala ASCII :: Funny T-Shirts :: T-Shirts :: ThreadPit.com: Fashionably Funny T-Shirts Hee!
2 Outsmarted !
dontelltheelf	6:39p	Oh no! Jackfaces! XD From a comment in ack_attack's latest post: Current Mood: fistbump FTW! Current Music: Daft Punk - Steam Machine
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dontelltheelf	6:17p	stolen from joeysdramaqueen: Halloween Meme beachbutterfly devours the entire neighbourhood's pumpkin crazyjay dresses up as truekat dontelltheelf creates an unholy monstrosity from joeysdramaqueen, luvinjcnjt and parlance imaclanni runs around screaming for hours until abruptly silenced by crazyjay, wielding a sharpened axe joeysdramaqueen tries to pick up Phantom Hitchhikers luvinjcnjt eats imaclanni's spicy, spicy brains. masheek2 buries musiquedevie at the crossroads with a steak (rare) through their heart mumbles11 carves starsprinkles's effigy in the medium of cutlery musiquedevie TPs your socks parlance swoops on luvinjcnjt and drains their Wings Greatest Hits poofusgirl shows up with burning torches, pitchforks and dip starsprinkles sacrifices dontelltheelf's gerbils the_tim_world summons the undead armies of masheek2 to steal your candy truekat haunts your Bank Manager's lunchbox LJ Name
14 Outsmarted !
dontelltheelf	6:10p	Why the Oceanic Six must reunite ( Possible spoiler? ) Current Mood: blah Current Music: NCIS
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Monday, October 6th, 2008
tiddlywinktal	11:06p	Pay your goddamn bills, then you can get your electricity. I (can) laugh at you. But where the hell are you? In all these others I also know the reason why we aren't closer but should be. But we can't. cause we're [(I am)] not there yet. ( "I think...yea, Group therapy helps that.") I've become ADD ( but clinically, not really)? Circle/Fill in the blank: "Jesus/god/boy/cuss word" _____ "I wish you knew"!!!!!!! (telepathically) you should know by now. ... there is no system to check that. umm.. Fill in the blank: "_ _ _ _!" If I don't fear you, I don't care. If I am afraid, that is only good news for you. Take advantage of it. It makes things extremely easy on your part. and then you can laugh at me. but you already did.
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dontelltheelf	10:51a	Sexy People From today's Very Short List: Web email: Sexy People You’re the suspicious type: Your spouse walks away from the computer, and you decide to click on her search history. What do you see? That she’s been visiting a site called Sexy People — a lot. Time to call the divorce attorney? Not so fast! Click on the link — you’ll be relieved. And then disturbed again. These sexy people are anything but, and the site — which advertises itself as “a celebration of the perfect portrait” — is really a clearinghouse of photos that only a mother could love. You’ll find no shortage of mullets and ill-advised outfits, dating back some 40 years and submitted by . . . whom? Well, we’re not sure if the subjects send them in, or if mortal enemies are at fault — but whoever’s to blame, the site is a must-visit: After all, each of us remembers the days when we were “sexy” too. Current Mood: amused
5 Outsmarted !
Saturday, October 4th, 2008
dontelltheelf	7:38p	Trivial Pursuit Poll #1272587 Trivial Pursuit Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None [MOV] What does Mookie famously toss through the window of Sal's pizzeria, in Do The Right Thing? [S&G] What baseball legend is memorialized by a shrine at a video store in Grove, Oklahoma next door to a Cheapo Depo? What CNN medical correspondent performed five brain operations in Iraq during the spring of 2003? A: Sanjay Gupta Nice job, musiquedevie. What Springsteen album was blasted by critics who thought its cover depicted the boss relieving himself on Old Glory? A: Born In The U.S.A. imaclanni and I both got this right :) Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Dodgers vs. Cubs, Game 3
4 Outsmarted !
dontelltheelf	7:27p	YEAH!!!! \o/ Thank you Russell Martin, Manny Ramirez, and James Loney! Dodgers 2-0. 1st inning. Hell yeah. [edit:] They did it, 3-1!!!! OMG! The Dodgers swept the Cubs! THEY'RE IN THE NLCS!!!!!! Woohoo!!!!! *jumps around and high fives musiquedevie* Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Dodgers vs. Cubs, Game 3
2 Outsmarted !
Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
dontelltheelf	3:04p	Trivial Pursuit Poll #1271366 Trivial Pursuit Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None [BUZ] What CNN medical correspondent performed five brain operations in Iraq during the spring of 2003? [MUS] What Springsteen album was blasted by critics who thought its cover depicted the boss relieving himself on Old Glory? What U.S. presidential hopeful found gainful employment as host of the Spike TV reality show I Hate My Job? A: Rev. Al Sharpton What firm's trendy MotorClothes line features a Bar & Shield Belt and an Event Patch Denim Vest? A: Harley-Davidson's Nice, angel_q. Current Mood: mellow
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Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
dontelltheelf	1:29p	Book meme Stolen from parlance: 1. Grab the nearest book. 2. Open the book to page 56. 3. Find the fifth sentence. 4. Post the text of the next seven sentences in your journal along with these instructions. 5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST. If there was anywhere that typified the thoroughly stupid strategy of this war, it was Haurgab. The GAR had too few resources to take the place, but too many to be so thoroughly defeated that the politicians took the hint and withdrew. It was a nicely sustainable operation. It could keep simmering at this level of grinding misery for years, and probably would. Across a riverbed that hadn't seen flowing water in decades, about twenty klicks to the northeast, two companies of the 85th Infantry were shoring up the regional government at Hadde. A distant boomp-boomp-boomp like a slow heartbeat started up, answered by the higher-pitched and more rapid bark of cannon fire. Darman saw fresh palls of black smoke forming in the distance. - Karen Traviss, Order 66: A Republic Commando Novel Yep, it's from a Star Wars book.
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dontelltheelf	11:43a	Rip songs from MySpace? Does anyone know how to rip a song off MySpace? Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: The Hives - Tick Tick Boom (Nike Version)
5 Outsmarted !
Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
dontelltheelf	10:14p	Has anyone heard/seen the band Parachutes? They're opening for Sigur Rós on Thursday. [edit:] Found their MySpace. They sound a lot like Sigur Rós. http://myspace.com/parachutesmakesongs Current Mood: curious Current Music: Ace of Cakes
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dontelltheelf	9:29p	This looks fun. stolen from ack_attack: 01. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me. 02. Go to Google Images and search for that word. 03. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results (don't tell me the word). 04. Put this in your own journal so that I can do the same.
2 Outsmarted !
dontelltheelf	7:07p	Trivial Pursuit Poll #1270118 Trivial Pursuit Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None [TV] What U.S. presidential hopeful found gainful employment as host of the Spike TV reality show I Hate My Job? [FAD] What firm's trendy MotorClothes line features a Bar & Shield Belt and an Event Patch Denim Vest? What NL East team did Hall of Fame broadcaster Bob Murphy call over 6,000 games for? A: New York Mets I got it correct :) Current Mood: hot Current Music: Beck - Timebomb
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Sunday, September 28th, 2008
dontelltheelf	12:17a	Trivial Pursuit Poll #1268331 Trivial Pursuit Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None [S&G] What NL East team did Hall of Fame broadcaster Bob Murphy call over 6,000 games for? Who scored three number-one hits in 1989, with Straight Up, Forever Your Girl and Cold Hearted? A: Paula Abdul Correct answers: me, minnie0612, dream517 and poofusgirl. What Kevin Spacey movie was partly inspired by the real-life murderer John List, who killed his family then vanished for 17 years? A: The Usual Suspects No correct answers. I guessed Seven. I totally remember John List though and that bust of his ginormous head they showed on America's Most Wanted. Scary shit. Glad they finally caught the bastard. And last call for the song lyrics meme. I'll post answers Monday. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: *NSYNC - Do Your Thing
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Saturday, September 27th, 2008
dontelltheelf	10:48a	Holy crap. Paul Newman died! :( Paul Newman, actor who personified cool, dies JOHN CHRISTOFFERSEN, Associated Press Writer 1 minute ago WESTPORT, Conn. - Paul Newman, the Oscar-winning superstar who personified cool as the anti-hero of such films as "Hud," "Cool Hand Luke" and "The Color of Money" — followed by a second act as an activist, race car driver and popcorn impresario — has died. He was 83. Newman died Friday at his farmhouse near Westport following a long battle with cancer, publicist Jeff Sanderson said. He was surrounded by his family and close friends. In May, Newman dropped plans to direct a fall production of "Of Mice and Men" at Connecticut's Westport Country Playhouse, citing unspecified health issues. The following month, a friend disclosed that he was being treated for cancer and Martha Stewart, also a friend, posted photos on her Web site of Newman looking gaunt at a charity luncheon. But true to his fiercely private nature, Newman remained cagey about his condition, reacting to reports that he had lung cancer with a statement saying only that he was "doing nicely." As an actor, Newman got his start in theater and on television during the 1950s, and went on to become one of the world's most enduring and popular film stars, a legend held in awe by his peers. He was nominated for Academy Awards 10 times, winning one Oscar and two honorary ones, and had major roles in more than 50 motion pictures, including "Exodus," "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," "The Verdict," "The Sting" and "Absence of Malice." Newman worked with some of the greatest directors of the past half century, from Alfred Hitchcock and John Huston to Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese and the Coen brothers. His co-stars included Elizabeth Taylor, Lauren Bacall, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks and, most famously, Robert Redford, his sidekick in "Butch Cassidy" and "The Sting." "There is a point where feelings go beyond words," Redford said Saturday. "I have lost a real friend. My life — and this country — is better for his being in it." ( The rest of the article )
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