sissani

I actually have some fairly good news to report... I haven't purged since Saturday night :D  And I've done really well with eating.  I'm probably eating less than what is considered healthy, but I havent purged what I have eaten.  One thing at a time.

And I'm making better choices with what I'm eating too... and my mom went grocery shopping today and when she asked me if I had any requests, I had a few -healthy- things to name.

I have to admit I'm getting close to my old restriction habits, but again, one thing at a time.  And I dont plan on going overboard with it...  It's just really hard to find that balance between restriction and overeating.  I would rather be closer to restriction honestly though, because then its easier to go without purging...

I also went to the gym this morning for the first time in lord knows how long.  I set a goal for workout time, and instead of going overboard or wimping out after five minutes, I got to my goal and stopped.  I'm hoping to build up my endurance again so I can go for a longer time, but I havent worked out in a long time and it would probably be bad to just dive back into my old workout routine (which was pretty extensive).

sissani

Just a friendly reminder.

This is NOT a pro-ed community.
This community is for judgement-free support.
NOT for tips, tricks, pro-ed advice, etc.

That is all.  Have a lovely day.  <33

sissani

I'm having serious issues.  I cannot stop.  Eating and purging, over and over.  As many times as I can sneak it.  I have a new girlfriend, and I want to tell her.  I want to tell her I have an eating disorder, but I'm working on it.  Trouble is, it doesn't seem like I'm working on it.  I'm still doing my behaviors and I still absolutely HATE my body.  I want nothing more than to get back down to where I was.  Maybe not as low as my lowest, but somewhere down there.  Anything below what I am now.  Anyway, I'm hating myself every moment because I'm torn between wanting to recover for my family and those that care about me, and my desire to get this weight off.  I'm so damn scared of being this weight, and of gaining more to get up to where I was at my highest, that I'm choosing the ED over my life, every day.  And I can't seem to stop.  Every day I wake up and say "Today will be different."  It never is.

sissani

I'm trying, I really am.  I want to get better... but shit.  Mom makes a comment to Grandma this evening that I'm looking good, getting some "bedunkadunk".  WTF!  Why??  On what planet is that a good something to say to anyone with an ED?  Usually my mom is really good about what she says around me... but that comment really got me.  Made me never want to eat again...  or purge until there is NOTHING left.  I want to get better, but that comment really freaked me out.  I know I've gained weight, I know I've passed up my goal weight long ago...  But as long as I dont think about it too much, I can manage, you know?

So now its stuck in my head...

my_wishes_x

[

mood

|

bored

]

Hi So Ive Been A Member For Quite A While I Made A Few Posts Now And Then But Then I Had To Move To CYPRUS With All My Family! So Its Been Hard With Everything Going On And That And I Have Only Just Got The Internet And It Frequently Breaks To! AAARGH! So Yeah My Weights Waay Up Its Horrible But It Will Change : ) Im 118 lbs Right Now. Im So Annoyed With Myself And My Mums Around A Lot More Now Cos She Doesnt Work The Weekends And Finishes Earlier But Shes Out Most Of The Day As Is Everyone Else :D
 Also  I Was Bored And Was Looking Up ED Bracelets And There Was Like Tons Of Different Colour Variations Loads Of Them Had Like For Example Pink For EDNOS But Then Another Site Would Have It Blue : S I Was Just Wonderin Are People Still Doing The Whole Bracelet Thing And Does Anyone Know The Actual Colours I Know Im Sad But I Honestly Have Too Much Time On My Hands Out Here As Its The Summer Holidays 
Loves
<3x x <3

sissani

Hey guys, how are you doing?  Good I hope.

I'm really struggling right now.  It seems I always really struggle when focus is put on my eating... and a LOT of focus has been put on it lately.  Mainly by my boyfriend, who really understand very little about eating disorders.  I understand not everyone has a lot of experience with EDs, and I understand that really, no one can really understand unless they have/have had an ED themselves.  But I would like a least a bit of empathy... some help.  But instead I get him getting mad at me when I express my struggles.  When I tell him I'm mad at myself for eating, or for not purging, he gets mad, saying I should be happy.  I'm not a dumbass.  I know that in actuality, eating is necessary.  Not purging is a good thing.  But my "ed-head" says the complete opposite - and it doesnt just suggest that eating is bad and purging is required, it SCREAMS it.  That ED voice BELLOWS those negetive thoughts.  I cannot help it.  But its like he thinks I can...  Its really frustrating.

I hate it, it hurts, and it only makes my issues that much worse.