It had been two days since the blow out with Veronica, the cathartic ripping off the bandaide on old wounds that would never heal. Two days since she walked out of the pent house and a few minutes later Logan walked in with the look of guilty defiance on his face. I didn't say anything to him I just stared at the blank tv screen and thought. What had happened, needed to have happened but it didn't make it any less painful, it didn't make her walking out on me any better and Logan seriously was damaging my calm.

He asked if we broke up and I shrugged because I honestly didn't know. I had no idea where Veronica and I stood at that point and I wasn't sure what I should do. I wanted to give her space but I knew I needed to fight for her. I couldn't overwhelm her but I couldn't stand by and just wait for her to come back, I needed to show her that I wasn't going anywhere.

So I called her the next morning, she didn't answer - but I hadn't expected her to - so I left a message. I told her that I wasn't going anywhere that I was going to give her space to deal, because we both needed it but after that I was going to fight for her.

I knew that words were easy to say and actions were the hard part. Logan didn't help, he kept giving me the apologetic looks like he wanted to say he was sorry but he wouldn't, as soon as I noticed the look he replaced it with an annoyed look and would tell me to get over it and go find someone to sleep with. I think he was trying to hide his guilt and his happiness that things were bad with Veronica and I. I knew the feeling. I just wanted to hit him and forgive him at the same time but I wasn't just going to forgive him that easily, Logan and I needed to scream and yell at each other maybe more than Veronica and I had needed to.

For the time being though, Veronica was my priority. I sent her a half a dozen roses yesterday, I hadn't wanted to go overboard and a note. I had all these ideas of these presents I could get her but then it just seemed wrong, like I was trying to buy her affection and that wasn't a) going to work b) my style.

So I did the next best thing, I wrote her a letter and slipped it in her locker.

Veronica,

I don't know if you need space or if you need me to chase you. I don't know how to make things right and even if I did I'm not sure it would work. This doesn't have an easy fix. The only thing I do know is that I love you and the past two years without you have been beyond horrible. We can't go back and I'm not sure wanting to is even the right thing but we can move foreword.

If you need time, I have all in the world and space well I can do that too but I won't stand idly by. I will fight for you and I will be there with my arms wide open if you need me. I know you and at the same time we're strangers and that's ok because it gives us the chance to know each other again and if you want that then I'll gladly be an open book.

I can't give up and I can't walk away but I know better than to try to force your hand. There's something about you Veronica Mars and I've never been able to figure it out; but I want the time to try. Let me know when or if you want to give me that time.

I love you always,
Duncan

I've never been good with words and I've never really been good at expressing my feelings so trying was hard pressing on figuring out what to say that won't push her away or guilt her into coming back when she's not ready. It's a balancing act.

All I can do is wait, see how she reacts and then get ready to fight for her. I'm not the kind of guy who plays dirty.

"I know," I whispered softly, reassuring him that I did in fact know that he was in love with me.

I hadn’t – couldn’t – doubt that he had never not loved me. We, after all, were once that golden couple of high school. We were the couple that danced together at homecoming looking perfect. I know that my search for normal this year has been extreme. We’ll never go back to what we were and even attempting to was some sure sign of insanity.

Duncan’s hand cupping my face and his soft eyes looking into mine is just some building those feelings deeper into me. There was a very real fact that at this moment neither of us knew where we were – or where we were going to be. My sense of normality had collapsed, along with us ignoring the lingering haunting issues we had.

But, he looks at me and I know he’s not going anywhere. This very second he was not going to leave, but that’s when I felt the pounding. There was some thump of my heart just beating against my brain in the back of me head and it said Leave. Leave. Leave. to the throbbing pulse running through me. Leave before he leaves you again.

And it wasn’t the first time I had felt it either. Not the first time with Duncan and not even the first time without Duncan. There was the message pounding through me when I was with Logan and when Logan was setting community pools on fire. It traveled through my veins like some sort of poison determined to let go before any of them would ever let go of me – because letting go was just inevitable and I never wanted that to happen.

There’s this deep fear inside of me, just of needing. I thought I was going to die the first time I lost anyone: Duncan, Lilly within two weeks and my own mother months later. Though I have sneaking suspicion that Lianne Mars was gone a long time before she packed up her bags and drank herself elsewhere.

Logan, I was sure, would end up killing himself in some way – a fear that just has not let go, but at least doesn’t paralyze me like an icy cold draft. Now that Duncan was back, I was terrified that I could lose him too.

"I know you’re sorry and I know you love me."

I shook my head for a quick moment, kissed him once lightly on the lips and left the presidential suite of the Neptune Grand, ignoring any calls of him chasing after me or wanting me to say. I just couldn’t and I doubt that I could for a while.

His promises to not keep anything from me, all his words and the fighting from earlier was rushing through me and I had no choice to not let go of it. Call it something that’s not within my genes.

I didn’t go home. I didn’t go to work. I even ignored the lingering Calculus homework in my book bag. I would travel to the Fennels maybe at this moment; but let’s face it, Wallace was gone because of me. There were a million more things I would have told him had he been by my side, but he wasn’t. He left because of me, just like the kids on the bus were gone because of me. My perfection of self-hatred was impeccable today.

That’s possibly when I felt the usual penetrable gaze as I sat in my car. Outside, there was Logan lingering and looking at me – watching me and possibly waiting until I burst into tears. No, I didn’t give him that satisfaction.

The need pulling at him to bring out all these insecurities was just astounding.

"I hope you’re happy," I told him bitterly.

"What, are you two broken up or something?"

I sent a sharp look his way. "Would that make you happy?" I asked. Without expecting an answer, I put my car into drive and pulled away, leaving those stupid dreams behind.

There was a lot going on, most of it I hadn't even had the chance to process yet. We hadn't heard anything about the Mannings yet and I kept thinking, wondering about all the little things Meg used to say about her parents. Had they done that to her too? It bothered me that I wouldn't have known that, we were together for a while, and I'm also not ignorant to Veronica's looks or her little comments. Does she actually think I'm still into Meg?

Maybe inviting Logan to live with me wasn't the brightest idea as far as Veronica is concerned but I wanted my best friend back. I almost think we're worse off now than we were before.

Now for instance? The three of us sitting in the living room, watching The South Park movie and we're barely laughing. This is the south park movie, we've all got something to say, something to laugh out. The first time we all saw this movie together you couldn't shut us up, and now?

It doesn't help that Logan keeps giving us the eye, that he makes snarky comments about and to Veronica and about and to me. Does he actually believe I took Kendall Casablancas up on her offer? He probably thinks so, because he's Logan and he wouldn't have turned her down - quite obviously. But I would never cheat on Veronica, sure Kendall's hot and maybe if I were single but I'm not and I love Veronica even if I'm not sure what's going on with us right now.

We haven't talked, and I'm worried but it's my fault too because I'm not telling her everything and she's not telling me everything.

"So, Kendall came by this afternoon," Logan starts in that non-chalant tone of his.

"We weren't exactly interested in your sex life Logan." I throw back and feel Veronica pull away from me slightly bristling, I can't help but sigh.

"She wasn't looking for me man," He gave me a pointed look and then looked down at the popcorn on the table before grabbing a handful and shoving it in his mouth.

Veronica pulled back and looked at me with that look that she gets, Logan was smirking behind her and I was considering hitting him. Was he trying to cause a problem? Did he honestly believe I'd slept with Kendall? Damn him.