Hi there, I'm new :)
My name is Anne and I'm a 17 year old girl from The Netherlands. I've hurt myself for as long as I remember. When I was young I liked to scratch my skin, just lightly with my nails, I'd kinda *draw* stuff... I didn't consider it strange or anything. As I grew older I started to hurt myself when I was upset. When I was younger I would mainly use semi-sharp objects, when I was outside and got upset I would use thorns of roses or just those really pointy leaves. The objects kept getting sharper, the first time I used an actual knife was when I was 14 and a 29 year old mr told me he was in love with me. I blamed myself for that and felt guilty, I used a pocketknife for the first time. At 15/16 I actually got into a relationship with him but I had very low confidence and prettymuch just felt like complete crap. Around then my eating disorders (another thing I've always struggled with is food) got worse too. It all got better for a little while but it never really ended.
Lately it has become worse than ever. My arm/wrist (I cut more on the arm side because I don't want to accidentaly slit my wrist and get in trouble) is covered with strawberry gashes... They're getting deeper too and it worries me. And I'm cutting more and more often, I don't sleep anymore at night (I go to bed when the sun comes up because I'm scared of the dark and I get upset) and when I finally go to bed I lay awake for a while, and will still start cutting. It is becoming an obsession, I think about it all day long. I do it when I'm upset, anxious, depressed, scared, hurt, angry, or just completely numb...

I feel very guilty about it because my life is relatively good I guess I mean I never really had anything traumatizing happening to me I think... I've been picked on all my life because people think I'm weird but then again, that happens to a lot of people. Yet I've always been busy with losing weight (even when I was really young & thin) altough but I'm doing better now. And always hurt myself, I don't know why... We never discussed emotions at home so I used to be really closed because I wasn't used to talking about those things, I just kept it all inside... When I was 13 I started to journal online tho and I became a lot more open... but maybe that could be a reason? I don't know. I still feel guilty because my life isn't that bad or anything...

It's also strange how I'm often Extremly happy but also Extremly sad... My moods are extreme and they fluctuate a lot. I'm usually happy in public tho so most people see me as some really happy girl... I hide my cuts under layers of colorful bracelets... (or behind colorful tights, on my legs, but I say those are shaving-cuts anyway)

but yeah I could go on but I think the story is getting much too long already! I'm sorry if I don't make a lot of sense, it is late and my english is not all that good... And it's always weird to write these things down so openly :s But I just keep telling myself it's ok cause you'll understand.

Anyway here's a picture of me:

<-- On the left