secret diaries

Sun, 18 May 2008 03:11:42 GMT

My stomach hurts but I just know I can't eat. I have decided that it's just not an option. I can't eat til I'm there. Depriving myself of food is okay but depriving myself of being thin is unacceptable. a little

Sun, 18 May 2008 01:42:06 GMT

I am new to this community, so this is a Intro post. =)
My Stats:
Height: 5'4"
Weight: 120 lbs

Goal Weight: 110 lbs or lower...

I have recently gained weight. I have always been around 110lbs, actually I was lower for quiet some time. I think part of it has been my major increase in stress level.. I have been so busy the past couple months I don't know where they've went... and I am wondering if this year, going back into dancing has made me gain weight because of muscle mass. Is it possible to stay just about the same size, because after gaining ten pounds or more my waist is still 29 inches and my jeans still fit perfectly.. but I am now 120. Anyway, since I am a dancer of course there is pressure to be thin and I want to get down to 110 and in a fairly quickly time. Any tips would help you guys.

Sun, 18 May 2008 01:24:50 GMT

Restrict, fast, binge.
Normal eating is a myth.

Sat, 17 May 2008 23:52:07 GMT

im delayed on the promised thinspo due to way too much fun being had in arizona
way too much swimming and hiking and zooing and TANning.
i'm loving it here.
i've definately lost weight since the abortion, i didnt even realize how much weight i was holding just from being pregnant, barely even noticably. but i'm down to about 128 or 129, from 135.

taking a ton of pictures, and i'm not COMPLETELY self concious about ALL of them, just a lot of them, but tehre are a few where i could almost pass off as not a balloon.

how's everyone doing? seriously i just wanna talk so hit me up!!!

Sorry..just bitching.

Sat, 17 May 2008 22:57:46 GMT

Ehhhhhhhhhhh one of those days where everything I try on looks bad to me......i have like 6 shirts I'm going to have to put away later because I tried a zillion on....and I even did cardio for an hour today....tons of the "God, I need to go shopping"'s........ehh so not feeling good about myself...............time to leave though......GRRR...self-conscious.~

Sat, 17 May 2008 20:53:33 GMT

so, this might seem weird, but I'm a big fan of eating foods that you have to work for/are difficult to eat... peeling, breaking them open, picking things out, etc.
I used to be huge on steamed shellfish with a little bit of salt, but since I quit eating fish I feel like all I've got is pomegranates, edamame, nuts, and citrus. and nuts are full of fat. :/
I know it's not the usual subject matter, but...
any suggestions?

Sat, 17 May 2008 19:43:58 GMT

Lately everything's gone horribly wrong...

Sunday: 500
Monday: 300
Tuesday: 300
Wednesday: Fast
Thursday: Fast
Friday: Graduation
Saturday onwards: ABC

Wish me luck! Hope you're all doing fab! <33

alrighty...

Sat, 17 May 2008 18:11:01 GMT

im so happy. im down to 90.5 :)
i dont know if i shared that last night, but oh well. im posting this early because tomorrow i wont be home, at leas in the morning. i remember i may have shared this earlier, but my friend died in december. we're having a "Celebration of her life" with her favorite music played, auctions, and open mic. its going to be great, and we're all pretty excited.

problem is, i didnt think anyone would get on her myspace. her closest friend, (who became a father figure when her dad left and was seperated from her mom) who is like an early graduate so around 18 or 19, and her mom got onto her myspace to add people who got deleted (myspace had this stupid blowout and deleted my old profile and my friends, so yeah) and to control spam comments, etc.

we comment her page, alot, and let her know we miss her, whats going on, and just to reach out. and i sent her a message about my ed. im sure her mom got it, im sure she saw it. maybe, maybe not. i just dont want her to spot me out. my face is thinner, and im smaller, but maybe people dont notice it. maybe they do. theres going to be tons of food and refreshments i bet (our friend who is controlling everything is rich rich rich) and ill be ignoring all of it. i dont mind, its usual.

i may spend the night at my best friends house. its incredible how much we hang out and see eahc other every day but i havent been to her house in almost like forever, and shes only been to my new house once or twice :) we just dont spend the night a lot, due to driving and shit.

good luck to everyone, and ill post more thinspo tomorrow <3333 stay strog!

Sat, 17 May 2008 17:32:44 GMT

i need to lose 18lbs.
i need to lose it fast.
i hate being so fucking fat.

i'm down

Sat, 17 May 2008 16:38:41 GMT

to 112.

12 lbs to go.
:)

Sat, 17 May 2008 14:06:29 GMT

I am new to this community.
These are my stats:
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 87lbs

I'm still growing, so I don't wna fast because it will probably slow my growth or something. And I don't want to be stuck at 5'2. However, I do feel rather big-sized now, although my weight tells the opposite. I don't know. It seems my body doesn't entirely coincide with the scales. I do very light exercises now and again, and I eat like a pig. I do love eating. But I do wna stop being so fat. My clavicles are like becoming fainter and fainter ):, and my tummy grows bigger. I don't know what i should do, because I know that I cannot stop eating because I won't grow taller(and I actually love food!) , but I don't want to grow fat either.

This dilemma is murderous! Anyone know show to grow taller?

Please l et me know what you think! Thanks.

Progress pics

Sat, 17 May 2008 13:01:24 GMT

Morning -

Progress pictures. I'm fasting today.

hugs ladies...

(hopefully I did this correctly and you guys will be able to view)

Sat, 17 May 2008 06:50:28 GMT

had a coffee...2 actually. I hate myself.

No food tomorrow and working the fuck out. ugh =/ i want to be 115 soo bad. =( ♥

Sat, 17 May 2008 04:43:50 GMT

I'm on this up-down trend lately. Every other day is good. It should be every day.

Yesterday, for example, was a good day. I ended the day with a little salad, two pot stickers, and a small tangelo. Topped it all off with two miles of jogging, and another two on my roller blades.

Today... sucked. To say the least.

Tomorrow, I'm intending on going the day with less than yesterday. I'd fast, but the pressure of just the word alone puts me in panic mode.

What's worse than all this, though, is that my clothes are insistently shrinking after washing them. I know I'm not gaining all of my weight back, because I'm not gaining at all. Jeans that fell off me when I weighed much more than I do now are just fitting. Regardless, though, it's freaking me out biiiig time, and I'm ready to pull all of my hair out if I don't lose this fat QUICK so I can fit in my goddamned clothes again.

I keep saying I want to lose weight, so I could maybe recruit a little help from the family and such, and now they're threatening to put me in therapy. :/ I might as well just shut up from now on.

Ugh. All in all, I could be doing so much better, but at least I feel like my head is back in the right place.

So hey, are there any natural appetite suppressants that aren't green tea? I hate green tea, like, a lot.

Oh, and my new inspiration... Anyone see the Bob Dylan biopic I'm Not There? Cate Blanchett as Jude/Dylan is so inspiring to me.

She even lost a bunch of weight for the role, too. Her and the real mid-60's Dylan are definitely my thinspiration right now; as odd as that is.

Sat, 17 May 2008 03:47:18 GMT

I'm so scared of being fat.
My mother was on countless diets when I was a kid and now when i see myself gaining weight I stop eating.
I only eat when I get weak and am actually starving.
I always told myself I didn't have a problem.
I only realized it in the last few years that I'm not normal It's not normal to constantly worry about what I'm eating and how much and what time it is. I say things to people so nonshalently like 'oh green tea is great for you it's an appiette suppressant too.' Noone cares about that stuff unless they are trying to loose weight or their sick. But I don't even want to admit I have a problem. I try so hard to eat normally... but I just can't. I can't do it. I was tought to hate food. I remember mom trying to feed me tuna sandwiches when I was little and i would have none of it. I sat there for hours and she wouldn't let me up til I ate it. Finally she had to let me up cause i was falling asleep. That's when she knew I guess that I was not gonig to listen to her ever cause I thought I knew better.
I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore....

Boy, I'm naive.

Fri, 16 May 2008 22:35:40 GMT

Right, that whole 'eat in front of my mother' thing, isn't the best idea in the world.

Decided to try it out this evening.
Made myself this overly fatty meal, just to prove a point.
Ate about three mouthfulls and wanted to throw up.
Don't know if it was because it tasted awful [admittedly, I knew it was going to be gross, kinda why I chose it] or whether my stomach can seriously no longer handle too much food.
I maybe ate 1/5 of it, probably less.
God, I feel ill.

I didn't realise my ED was actually this bad.
Going to fast tomorrow, well, I'm going to eat something in the morning because I have an exam. I'm out all day, so it'll go under my parents radar.

I still feel like I'm going to puke.
I hate food.

bring on the bitch....

Fri, 16 May 2008 22:08:18 GMT

ive never been like this annoyed with the world and everything going on around me, like ever. its never affected me, and even with the starting of my ED.
i dont get and i never got bad PMS (KNOCK ON WOOD!) so its not too normal

as a kid though, i had certain pet peeves. one of which, since i was very petite, was loose things. if a shirt was loose, then i dont think that bothered me. BUT, if my PANTS were loose, that was the worst. and i mean BAD. i would sit and tug at my pants huffing and puffing and crying. it was the worst feeling possible to me. also because i guess i grew up on dresses and that doesnt matter too much

i was so mean today, but more like i cussed and things, but mostly under my breathe. the only time i said it aloud (very frequently, too) was on the track. and i said the things that were on my mind, lets put it at that

bahahaha the bitch is outtttttt with needed caffeine.

^awww i love that one!!

enjoy!!!

Pillz

Fri, 16 May 2008 20:11:35 GMT

Hey everyone!
I'm just curious about something , diet pills.
Do any of you know if they work? Have you ever taken them? What did they do? What kind were they?

I'm just curious. I'm doing well right now, sticking to diet pops and if I'm really hungry a bite or two of banana bread. I'm not even hungry. It's a really, really weird feeling- because I should feel hungry shouldn't I?? Oh well, I'll sit back and enjoy it. :D
Havnt done a weight in for a long time. Kinda scared to.

Aaaanyways, diet pills. Tell me about them/your experiences. :D

xx

Fri, 16 May 2008 18:34:03 GMT

I was just looking through pictures and Ashley Olsen is my ultimate thinspiration. She is exactly what I want to look like. My goals have changed.

CW: 120
GW1: 115
GW2: 110
GW3: 105
LT: 96

By May 31st I hope to be at my first goal of 115. That's 15 days to lose 5 pounds. 2 1/2 pounds a week. Seems possible.

I had a piece of chicken. 80 calories for the day. Not bad. I have decided I don't have time for the gym. I have to go to a friend's birthday dinner at 7. Soo that would only give me an hour at the gym so instead I'm going to just save up my energy and do 20 miles on the elliptical tomorrow. Ooh and needless to say I'm not eating at dinner tonight. I am going to say it's because I'm broke. ♥

Fri, 16 May 2008 17:42:08 GMT

hi all. my name is madison. i just recently lost 15lbs the sweet ole healthy way. but fck that i'm done with it. any good diet pills that you guys use? im a junkie. iam starting to work out over an hour a day on apples, veggies and water. apples are great, they work as a natural laxative (bc of the sugar called sorbitol inside of them). i hate eating though and try to mask it away with water. i'm 5'3" and currently weigh 170 but if you looked at me, you wouldnt think that. i've been proofed at 140. nuts, eh? i just wanna be skinny and i'm ready to crash for the next month to do so. a friend of mine just lost 40 pounds in 6 weeks using some product called adrenalene? maybe thats what its called? anyone ever heard of it? its all caffiene. <3 K
HW: 185
CW: 170
GW: 130
GW2: 125
GW3:120

Eating normally.

Fri, 16 May 2008 17:30:01 GMT

Please help me.

My mum is suspicious.
I wrote two journal entries yesterday ranting about what she said.
So I'm not going to repeat it.

But basically, I need to try and reassure her I don't have an eating disorder.

I'm thinking of eating normally today, tomorrow and sunday [The weekend is when I get the most chances to exercise, so i'll feel less guilty.] And then try my best to do a liquid fast from Monday until I reach 115 lbs. [I'm 119 lbs at the moment]

I dunno if this is a good idea...
should I do it, risk gaining, and get my mom off my back.
Or should I continue to follow ABC and hope my mum stops noticing that I'm not eating. She's beginning to leave out food so she knows I've eaten it, it's gonna get difficult.

So... what should I do?
Ah, I'm so annoyed about this whole thing.

Fri, 16 May 2008 17:24:56 GMT

I realized I didn't post my stats

HW: 141
CW: 120
LW: 115
GW: 105

My heighest weight was 141 this was in, Marchish? I started fasting and exercising alot on April 14th and I was about 139. So in a month's time I've lost 19 pounds. I want to be 105 by June 17th. 32 days to lose 15 pounds. I don't know if this is do-able because it seems recently I have only been losing 2 pounds a week =/ Starting to lose hope a bit. I think I'm going to end my fast early. I planned on going until Tuesday. But I feel really weak and even off the fast I am eating less than 100 calories.

I need to go to the gym today! I'm soo unmotivated though. I just feel soo drained. =( Hope you girls are all doing well! ♥

Fri, 16 May 2008 17:19:19 GMT

Toda has been so bad.
My Mum was going on asking if im anorexic so I tart cing saying im to thin and i wish people would stop saying i thin. So she cooks me a pizza a fucking 1000 calorie pizza, 100 calories. So eat it, ALL.
I cant make myself throw up, I've trid and tried and i just can't. I'm so stupid. I'm trying to stop self harming, but tI feel so crappy =[

Sorry im whiney =[

Fri, 16 May 2008 16:27:32 GMT

i haven't posted my stats since i first joined about a month ago.
i'm currently 5'5 129 (FINALLY BACK IN THE 120s!)
when i joined i was 135. since i've had an abortion & no appetite for the most part, not too much working out cuz i've been spending a lot of time with my family.

my HW: 135
my LW: (at this height) 120ish, when i was 14 and hadn't finished puberty i was about 100 lbs and 5'4" lol. but for the most part since i finished going through puberty i've gone between 130 and 135. it's definately time to shapen up : ).
my current goal weight is 120
long term: 99 : )

anyhoo. so last night we had a kind of big dinner, while everyone was cleaning up i went to go purge and half missed the toilet & got puke all over my feet... i spent 20 minutes wiping the floor with cleaning wipes and papertowels and spraying the bathroom with fabreez etc. i'm so gross lol.

for those who aren't up to date, i'm in arizona with my grandparents right now.
i'm leaving for mexico in a few minutes. : ).

think thin. i have some great thinspo to post later : ).

Mum + her best friends convo

Fri, 16 May 2008 15:15:11 GMT

Mum- "Have you noticed too?"
Jen- "Yeah definately"
Me- "Noticed what?"
Mum- "That you're losing weight again"

This is all whilst I am wearing some mega baggy trackies and a jumper. Seriously what gives them the right to make such stupid remarks as so. I am still a fucking whale people. 47.5 kg is not worth talking about. It's not worth worrying about, or even mentioning it.
This was at a coffee shop... as we were walking in... with other people around us >:-| Could it be any more awkward or embarassing???

P.S. I couldn't help but smile