ARRRRGH.

You know the routine. I hit a wall made up partly of RL obligations (lots of them) and partly of perfectionism. I was so determined not to screw this one up, but here we are a month later. I don't feel guilty about it, per my policy of not doing that anymore, but it's extremely frustrating.

Trouble is, I [i]can't[/i] abandon this event. And not just because the last two were false starts. No, I'm going somewhere with this one, and the point won't become clear until about halfway through. So I'm just gonna have to ask you to bear with me.

If I can, I'll start again on Monday. (Can't do earlier -- I'm moving my stuff from one room of the house to another this weekend.) But here's the plan: I won't start up again until I have as much of the event "in hand" as possible. That way I can move through it quickly and we can all get back to our lives.

- Z

Tags: a1

Now then, back to business. For today's update we have --

Wait! I've got it! Anime!

That's what all the cool sites are into now! Who needs sci-fi? There's a whole new genre just waiting for me to attack it! My hitcounts will soar! My frustrations will be crushed by giant robots! I'll never have to hear the name "Joss Whedon" again!

From now on, this site is Five-Minute Anime! New front page! New Statement of Purpose! New list: The Top 10 Signs That You Wish Your Girlfriend Were an Anime Character! And exclamation points for all!

^_^

- Z

Zeke's Better Judgment: Wait, what? Was that it?

Was what it?

Zeke's Better Judgment: The big April Fool's update! You didn't do anything!

Guess not. Looks like you were wrong about yesterday's post.

Zeke's Better Judgment: But it's a tradition! You always do some overextended April Fool's thing!

Always until now, apparently.

Zeke's Better Judgment: I can't believe you led me on like that! How dare you --

No. You know what? Shut up. I am sick to death of your attitude. You were mad at me for doing that event and now you're mad at me for not doing it. All you're interested in doing is attacking me. And for what? Because you think you know what's best?

Zeke's Better Judgment: I'm your better judgment! I inherently know what's best!

No, my hindsight does. You just know what seems best at a given time, and you're not even very good at that. So you can shove it.

Zeke's Better Judgment: But -- hey!

That feels better. Not much, but a little. Now to go do something ill-judged...

- Z

Hey better judgment, ever feel like you're in a rut?

Zeke's Better Judgment: All the time. I call this rut "you".

Seriously, though. I dunno, I think all this Galactica is getting to me.

Zeke's Better Judgment: It was your idea. Wait, "all this"?

And if it's not BSG, it's some other sci-fi show. At the end of the day, is there really any difference? They all use the same basic plots and concepts. I could swap the characters' names in any given fiver and use it for another episode, or show even. Maybe it's time I took a whole new angle with this five-minute thing.

Zeke's Better Judgment: I don't... hold it. This is March 31st!

So?

Zeke's Better Judgment: So you're full of crap! You're just building up to an April Fool's event again!

Oh, come on. Is it so hard to believe I might really be trying to see my limitations and move beyond them?

Zeke's Better Judgment: You like your limitations. Complacency is your first, middle, and last name. And if you ever did move beyond them, you'd take one look around, get scared, and hop back in. I'm leaving. You can go jump in a lake.

...You know, I'm starting to wonder if my better judgment is really just my self-deprecation in disguise.

- Z

The BSG relaunch continues today with Five-Minute "Six of One". (Spoilers up to the start of S4.) This'll seem like an odd choice since it's the second episode of Season 4, but when I was marathoning the first half of the season, that was the one that prodded me to five it right away.

- Z

After an unexpected delay (one reason for which will be clear shortly), the BSG relaunch now continues. We started with an early episode, so next up is a recent one: Five-Minute "Deadlock". Spoilers up to near-series-end, so be warned.

This is actually not the one I mentioned having already written; that'll be next. I wanted something more recent first so I could advertise the event around (which I'll do now; better late than never).

Other things to be aware of:

• The FAQ for this subsite is now up. No, I will not call it a FrAQ.
  
• The show is ending this Friday, so now's the time to talk about it! We've got a thread at the forums for that purpose -- drop by and say something.
  
• The "Deadlock" fiver includes a reference to a non-fiver BSG piece I've been toying with since about 2006. I'm hoping to finish it for this event. Feel free to guess which scene has the "foreshadowing".
  
• Happy St. Patrick's Day and happy belated Pi Day. I'm working on something for the latter, but that'll be after the BSG event.

Finally, a personal note: two weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. I've said a few things about this at my LJ, but it's actually relevant to FiveMinute.net. You see, "Zeke" isn't short for Ezekiel -- it's a nickname my grandpa gave me when I was just a baby. I use it as my handle whenever I need one, and it always reminds me of him. Rest in peace, Grandpa.

- Z

First update of 2009, and it's a new subsite, baby. Or rather, it's the long-awaited relaunch of what has until now been a subsite-in-name-only: Five-Minute Battlestar Galactica. Read the article if you wish, and then feast upon my first fiver of a regular BSG episode: Five-Minute "33".

I'm aiming for at least one fiver from each season in this launch event, and I've already written the next one. Stay tuned.

- Z

Tags: 5mbsg

One of my biggest regrets about this long period of inactivity is that I missed the 2008 election, which was prime satire material. (Of course, everyone else thought so too...) Toward the end, I had an idea which combined one of the shows I've been meaning to cover here -- Heroes -- with my favourite way of doing political comedy at 5M.net. I really wanted it out before Election Day, but it took a while to do, mostly because I kept thinking of things to add.

But past its prime or not, I still think it's worth finding out... How to Debate an Exploding Candidate.

- Z

Tags: 5mh

Ladies, gentlemen, and zombies... I am back. This site has been dormant for too long. I'll have more on that later in one of my usual needlessly talky articles, but first I'm going to blow your minds.

In November 2002, I started a little something called Fiver By Committee. It's been running intermittently since then; it attracted lots of interest, but for one reason or another, it tended to go dead for months at a time. All the "blocks" have been basically done for about a year now, and we've even chosen our next target. (I even made a reference to one of the completed scenes in The Disbanding 2.) But I dropped the ball again and never actually finished the job.

No longer. It's here. Behold Five-Minute The Matrix -- by you, with all-new starting and ending scenes by yours truly.

It was inevitable, Mr. Anderson.

- Z

Tags: fbc

Okay, this has gone on long enough. (And then longer.) I'm still going to come back to this zombie thing eventually, goddammit, but it's time to restore the main page. I'm out of town for the next few days for my convocation; when I get back I'll try to finally get the site moving again. And yes, there'll be an anniversary event, though not on the 15th (I won't be back yet, and that was an arbitrary date anyway).

- Z

...pation!

Yes, I know Sa'ar already said it in the comment thread. What's your point? Anyway, the undeadening continues today with The Top 10 Signs That Your Girlfriend is a Zombie. Zombies are a greater threat now than ever before, so this (my first "girlfriend" list in two years, by the way) may be useful.

But that's a side trip. Time to get back to the serious business of restoring dead shows to a shambling mockery of life! Be here next time and leave your Gun Del Sol at home....

(Sharp readers will notice that this list is number 101; even sharper ones will remember that there hasn't been a 100 yet. I have plans for that one, so I've skipped it for now.)

- Z

Tags: zz5m

Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA! Welcome back to meddling in God's domain! Last year, as some of you will remember, I created Zombie FiveMinute.net. (Check the news page if you've forgotten the premise.) It didn't really get off the ground, it just shambled a bit and then fell over. So this year I decided to bring it back to life... as a zombie!

Then I remembered it was already a zombie. Did that stop me? Pfft. Welcome to Zombie Zombie FiveMinute.net!

Those of you who took a look on April 1 (the bold, unheralded beginning of this new site, not that you should read anything into that) will have noticed the link to our first feature, Zombie Five-Minute 4chan Memes. Zombies are, of course, slow, so I've had trouble getting the site to produce anything further. But it will, so help me! And in the meantime, I've updated the Statement of BRAINS and such.

So come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...

- Z

Tags: zz5m

Guess what? Today I've got two new TJI Briefs for you, both slightly past their obvious inspiration dates but still edible. Here's #5, Sheridan unveils groundhog plan, and the very strange #6, Giants crush patriots.

(Also, we've now moved to a better server. Thanks as usual to AntonyF for the seamless changeover.)

- Z

Tags: tji

Okay, let's do this thing! My original plan was to whip this up for January 1, but as you'll see, it expanded a bit -- mostly because I wanted to give a couple of my favourite new sf shows their first appearance at 5M.net. Here are four, count 'em six (wait, what?), new Top 10 lists:

• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Voyager Characters
  
• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Enterprise Characters
  
• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Torchwood Characters

And -- no joke here --

• The Top 30 New Year's Resolutions of Heroes Characters

Enjoy!

- Z

Tags: t10

I decided a while ago to cut down on personal stuff in updates. As usual, however, I overdid it and found myself reluctant to make any updates without new content, leaving readers in the dark. So today I'm going to explain a bit about my current status.

My Master's program in Waterloo is nearly complete. I submitted my thesis in December; all I have to do now is make any changes the readers suggest and then give my talk. I'm going on to a PhD, but I don't know where yet, so I'm spending the next two terms back in Ottawa with my folks. During that time, I'll apply to the schools I'm interested in, do a lot of mathematical reading, and otherwise take a (for once) well-earned break from graduate school.

If that sounds like good news for 5M.net, it should -- sort of. I miss this site and I'm really looking forward to working on it again. But although I overdid the whole "school before site" thing with that seven-month absence, the principle is right. When something scholastic or otherwise important comes up, updates will have to wait. Daily posts are nice if I have something to post or say, but when I don't, I won't sweat it.

The other problem, temporary but irritating, is that my computer isn't set up here yet and won't have net access either until I can pick up a wireless card. I don't like doing site work on the family computer for a number of reasons, so updates will probably be small until that's resolved. Shouldn't take long, though.

Okay, enough talk. I hope to have some content next update, so stay tuned.

- Z

For today's update, I've brought the main pages of our This Just In and Top 10 subsites up to date. Baby steps, people.

- Z

For our first 2008 update, here's something I've been meaning to add for ages: a site search box. It's on the front page. Between this and Opera's custom search function, my ability to type "site:fiveminute.net" at ludicrous speed is now officially useless.

- Z

Zeke's Better Judgment: Slow year, huh?

Yeah. For the site, anyway. Real life is another story.

Zeke's Better Judgment: A story that no one needs to hear, but I bet you'll still --

I finished my thesis! My Master's degree is almost complete. I just need to give the talk next month, and then I'm home free.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Uh huh. Anything else you want to bore people with? Perhaps a little moaning about how some girl crushed your soul?

That happened twice this year. See? I haven't just been sitting around.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Yeah, you're a real dynamo. You're the transwarp bowling ball of productivity.

And this post is just to get in one more 2007 entry. I have an actual update pla--

Zeke's Better Judgment: Oooo, an UPDATE! Sound the alarm! Run for the hills, Mabel!

What are you so cranky about?

Zeke's Better Judgment: Perhaps it hasn't occurred to you that I stop existing when you let the site go dead like this. It's really annoying.

Come on, you're my better judgment. I use you all the time.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Remind me: in what manner do you buy box after box of comics? And stay up late playing video games when you have a cold? And backdate newsposts because there are still time zones where it's not midnight yet?

(sigh) Against my better judgment.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Exactly. I can't get a word in edgewise except online, where you think it's funny.

All right, all right, point taken. But it is funny.

Zeke's Sense of Humour: Actually...

You stay out of this.

- Z

Welcome back to what I hope will be a better update schedule. Work's still going on, but one course is over and I got a big chunk handed in yesterday for the other one, so I'm gonna let myself make updates again (small ones until I'm completely done).

Those who visit the forums will have noticed that the near-impossible has happened: I actually did something with Fiver By Committee! For those who don't know or don't remember, Fiver By Committee is a forum thing where we take a movie one scene a time and members post their fiverified versions of the scene, then vote on which one's best. The first one (The Matrix) has been basically done for a long time, and I'm going to publish it in the June anniversary event (as indeed I meant to do last year).

In the meantime, we're choosing our next target. If you think you might like to join in, go vote in the poll. Most of the regulars have already voted, but I'll leave it open a couple more days for those just reading about it now.

- Z

(I made this update yesterday, I'm just late with the LJ post.)

It's Cinco de Mayo, and you know what that brings to my mind: why the hell did I just hear fireworks go off? This is Canada. Victoria Day isn't for another two weeks.

Seriously though, I'd be remiss if I let 5/5 go by without updating FiveMinute.net. And while my current busy streak won't be over for a few more days, I did recently take a little time to finish a fiver I started years ago. Allow me to explain. You all know Catalina Marina (or if you don't, you should); she's notable as the author of multiple fivers and a longstanding community member. In particular, she's just about the only OC fan around here besides me. Now, I promised Cat a fiver for her birthday a while back (as alluded to in Voyagers 7), so when I realized that the OC's second-season premiere mentioned a place called Catalina, I had the perfect target.

After my usual fashion, I took forever; Cat has celebrated three birthdays since then. But like a goldfish, I never forget. (Or is that elephants? I forget.) And so here, at long last, is Five-Minute "The Distance".

- Z

Tags: oc