alphabet drabble # X
for amorphic:

X is for Xerox.
fifty dollars; how i met your mother; barney/robin - +1100 words, future!fic



McLarens is really quite quiet at 7:42 on a Thursday so when Barney says “I think I might get fired” out loud it echoes and reverberates through the whole bar like an omen.

Ted and Marshall look at each other. Barney is not joking. This is a momentuous occasion; Barney never speaks about work. Not even with Marshall, who actually works with him.

`What? Why?´ Ted asks, worried that all those half-implied illegal ongoings in Barney's job could actually amount to something real.

Barney rolls his eyes.

`It might have been my fault,´ he mutters, hiding behind his glass of scotch.

`What did you do?´ Marshall asks him. He is singularly confused. All the bosses seem to like Barney. Specially the really evil ones.

`Well, maybe I tried to charge three hundred wedding invitations to the company's printing account. Like I said, nothing big.´

`Nothing big? That's a lot of bucks, Barney,´ Marshall says, remembering his Graphics Period with fondness. `Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.´

Ted raises his hand.

`Wait. Wedding invitations? What wedding? Whose wedding?´

Barney gives him a look.

`Ted. Please.´

Ted looks at Marshall. He looks as clueless as him.

`We don't get it,´ Ted repeats.

Barney reiterates the look.

`Ted, come on.´

Marshall looks at Ted. Nope, nothing. But suddenly Marshall's face lights up with something between joy at his discovery and absolute horror. He starts shaking excitedly.

`No way. You and Robin?´ He blurts out in a high-pitched, girly voice.

For reply Barney just leans back in his seat and flashes them a disgustingly smug smile. Ted mouths the words “oh my god” but doesn't have the strength to make the sounds. He and Marshall take a long sip from their respective beers, synchornized.

`But- But...´ Ted stammers. `You've been dating-?´

`A couple of months?´ Barney offers casually. `Yeah, well, Ted, forgive me if I don't spend twenty years of foreplay organizing the perfect wedding like you. Some of us like to be spontaneous.´

He says it like the most natural thing in the world, dismissing it with a wave of hands. Ted laughs from pure disbelief. He is being given a lesson in romanticism by Barney Stintson.

`Okay. Excuse me if I seem a bit confused here, mister,´ he says in that voice of his that Lily often dubs as Professor Mosby tone – she started doing so even years before Ted actually became a teacher. `But I thought you were the one permanently and viciously ranting against marriage?´

Barney sneers.

`That's because of the lame girls you guys always insist on trying to marry. No offense, Marshall,´ Barney rectifies. `I'm marrying Robin. I'm awesome. Plus, honeymoon sex. Up here, Marshall.´

Marshall high-fives Barney without a second thought. Ted gives him a long, disappointed look.

Marshall shrugs.

`Sorry, Ted, honeymoon sex is pretty great.´

`Well, I wouldn't know, would I?´ Ted whines.

Barney laughs at him cruelly.

`But if you are getting married... Why haven't you told us?´ Marshall asks him.

`I sent you an email,´ Barney replies.

`No, you didn't,´ Ted and Marshall say at the same time.

Barney gets a faraway look.

`No, right, that was Ted's sister. Sorry about that,´ he raises his glass. He ads, non-chalantly: `Robin and I are getting married. Cheers, guys.´

Ted and Marshall are about to protest when Robin and Lily walk into the bar. Truth be told, Ted sometimes fears these Fifth Wheels Moments when at the end of the day Lily and Marshall fall into each other's arms and kiss mushily and Robin and Barney do likewise. Except, that Ted is almost grateful that Robin and Barney are so damn weird and they don't do the corny things Marshall and Lily do whenever they spend more than eight hours apart from each other, like screaming “Missed you so much!” from the other side of the bar or giving each other Eskimo kisses.

Instead Robin just slips into the booth next to Barney and they give each other that “you are so lucky to know me” glance and that's it.

`Hey.´

`Hey.´

That's how corny conversations go with Barney and Robin. Ted doesn't know whether he feels sorry or jealous.

`Hey,´ Robin repeats, looking suddenly excited. `You know Sherry Kinnear from work?´

`The bitch with perfect eyebrows?´ Barney says.

`I hate her!´ Lily adds.

Robin looks at Lily and then at Barney, with a very pleased grin on her face.

`Oh, boys, I've taught you so well.´

`What about her?´ Barney asks.

Robin gestures to Barney to come closer, a squinty, conspiratory glance around the pub.

`She is coming later to have a drink with me and I made a bet with her that I could pick up the hottest guy in the bar in less than forty seconds. So... we are going to do that thing where we pretend we are strangers hooking up for the first time,´ Robin instructs him.

`But Marshall is here,´ Lily argues.

Ted, Barney and Robin look at her with question-mark expressions.

`He's the hottest guy in the bar right now. Robin, you are going to lose that bet,´ she explains.

Robin blinks once, twice, at her. She shakes her head.

`Anyhoo,´ she turns to Barney. `That's the plan.´

`I'm not sure I'm in the mood, babe.´

Robin lifts one eyebrow.

`It wasn't a request, it was an order, Barney. Also, we agreed you wouldn't call me babe.´

`You know I would never call you babe in a non-ironic way. I was messing with you.´

`What's the matter, Barney?´ Lily is curious. `Since when are you not in the mood to pretend you have never seen your girlfriend before?´

Barney and Robin shudder at the mention of girlfriend.

`You are still doing that?´ Lily rolls her eyes. `But seriously, Barney?´

Ted and Marshall exchange a look.

`Work stuff,´ Barney replies, avoiding Lily's eyes. `It's silly. I'm getting fired. Maybe. Definitely. Or maybe I owe some thousands of dollars. No big deal.´

`Barney!´ Robin punches him in the arm. `What did you do now?´

`The wedding invitations,´ he admits.

`What? I knew it was a silly idea.´

`It was your idea,´ Barney says.

`Yeah.´

`What wedding invitations?´ Lily asks.

Ted panics: `Oh my god they didn't tell you either?´

`Robin, what wedding?´ Lily demands.

Robin goes very pale. Lily is her best friend. She's also very scary.

Robin's mouth hangs open for a second.

`Oh, look, I see Sherry coming through the door,´ she stands up. `I'll be at the bar. See you, guys. Barney, you do your thing.´

`Yes, ma'am,´ Barney salutes, amused. When Robin is gone he turns to the others: `So what's up with you?´

Two minutes and one slightly-gross public display of affection later Sherry Kinnear owes Robin fifty dollars.