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In which Heiji is desperately clueless (Detective Conan, Heiji/Kazuha, #16)
Title: In which Heiji is desperately clueless
Author: fireblazie
Pairing: Heiji/Kazuha
Fandom: Detective Conan
Theme: #16 – invincible; unrivaled
Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan. Am just borrowing the characters for a bit! I don’t own Grey’s Anatomy, either.



“I am this close to getting in my car and running you down in the parking lot.”

Heiji cringed, though he tried not to show it. “You don’t have a car. And you can’t drive.” Though they were walking in an abandoned parking lot. And despite the fact that he was about five inches taller than her and at least twenty pounds heavier… well, he wouldn’t put it past her.

He began chanting prayers in his head as she turned on him with a completely unsettling glare.

“Minor setback,” she said, delicately.

Please, please, please, I have done nothing but good in this world, tracking down murderers, taking down an evil crime syndicate, please don’t let me die in the middle of an empty parking lot…

She sighed as she paused in the middle of the lot. Heiji instinctively braced himself, watching her hands. Was she going to reach in her bag for some kind of concealed weapon? Granted, her purse wasn’t exactly very large, but it could easily fit a pistol…

This is Kazuha. She’s not a murderer, for crying out loud.

She was reaching in her bag.

She was pulling something out.

“DON’T!” He yelled at the top of his lungs, lunging forward and – well, tackling the ponytailed girl to the ground. He wrestled the purse out of her hands – perhaps not really wrestled, for Kazuha was much too surprised to put up much of a fight – and sat up, rummaging through it. “I know I’m a bit of an asshole, but you don’t have to kill me, dammit –“ and then he realized that her purse was vibrating.

Kazuha snatched the purse out of his hand and pulled out her cellphone. “Yes,” she told him, “you are an asshole.”

-.-

“So I have no idea what I did,” Heiji ranted, pacing back and forth around his room, clutching his cellphone tightly in his hand.

Kudo Shinichi chuckled dryly on the other end. “Knowing you? You did something, Hattori.”

“I’m serious!” Heiji insisted. “It’s not like we got into a big fight or anything. All that happened was that we were walking home from school, and – and this kid makes some smartass remark about me and ‘zuha supposedly going out and then I said something, and then after that, she’s completely pissed. Damn mood swings.”

A beat of silence on Shinichi’s end. “Okay. I’m going to kill myself for even bothering to ask – but what did you say?”

“What did I say?” Heiji scratched vaguely at the back of his head. “Uh, let’s see… I said, ‘you’re a damned ignorant son of a –“

“After that.”

“Um…’I wouldn’t go out with her even if she was the last girl in the world.’ “

Shinichi sighed. “I was afraid of that.”

-.-

Girls, Heiji decided, after getting an earful from Shinichi, were much too complicated for him to deal with. Give him a good puzzle or mystery novel any day. He’d rather solve quantum physics problems than deal with – with girls.

But, early on this Thursday morning, he found himself standing outside her door.

And it was damn cold.

But he was going to talk to her and get her to admit that she was wrong even if it killed him.

She flung open the door, hollering over her shoulder, “I’m leaving now!” She stepped outside, shut the door behind her, and slipped her shoes on. Then she looked up.

“GAH!”

Heiji winced at the volume of her scream and pulled her by the wrist. “Come on.”

“What? Why?” She halfheartedly put up a fight, but Heiji was adamant and continued to drag her along the length of the road.

“Are you mad at me?” Inwardly, he swore at the amount of vulnerability evident in his voice.

“…kind of.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kazuha, who had previously still been struggling against his grip on her wrist, suddenly froze, and her wrist fell limp in his hand.

“What?”

“I said, I’m sorry.” He was mumbling. “I didn’t mean it. I – I would go out with you if you were the last girl in the world.” He pointedly stared at his feet. “I – I would go out with – with you even – even if you weren’t.”

Kazuha was silent.

He apprehensively lifted his head to look at her.

“Okay.”

Heiji felt a sudden sensation of dread. “What?”

She smiled at him. “I’ll go out with you.”

-.-

“Hattori, has anyone ever told you that you’re an idiot?”

“Shut up.”

Heiji lay on his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. “So what do I do now?”

“Well – you could break up with her.”

“What? No!”

Heiji could practically feel the smirk on the eastern detective’s face. “So you want to go out with her. Right?”

“I – I don’t – I don’t know.”

“Then just stay with her. You were going to ask her out eventually.”

“You don’t know that.”

Shinichi snorted. “Please. Even Mouri Kogorou knew.”

Heiji glared at the phone. “Look. It’s not that. I mean – okay, I – I like her, you know? But I wasn’t exactly… ready… for this sort of thing. Not yet. And now I’m – well, I’m –“

“You’re super-glued to her.”

“No, not –“

“Handcuffed?”

Heiji resisted the urge to throw the phone against the wall. “Shut up.”

-.-

“What’s wrong with you?” Kazuha was walking a little bit closer to him than usual. Heiji was sweating. Profusely.

“Ah – nothing,” he lied. “A little… tired.”

What was he going to do?

“I was wondering, though,” he went on, swallowing, “uh, now that we’re… d – da – d –“

“Dating,” supplied Kazuha, helpfully.

“Right. That.” Heiji wished he had his katana. Maybe he could slit his own throat. “What are – what are things going to – erm – you know… be like?”

“Be like?” Kazuha tapped a finger to her chin. “I don’t know. Probably the same, right? We were always together, weren’t we?”

Well. Now that certainly was unexpected.

“Really?” Heiji said, eyebrows raised. “Nothing’s going to change?”

“…no.” Kazuha tilted her head to the side, wonderingly.

Heiji felt a surge of relief as he stared up at the sky. “Thank you. I thought I was going to have to break up with you!”

Dead silence.

“What?” Kazuha hissed, looming threateningly over him.

-.-

He arrived home with more than a few lumps on his head. His father gazed at him questioningly, but decided not to pry. For the third night in a row, Heiji picked up his cell phone and called Shinichi.

“I heard,” was the greeting from the other line.

“Already?” Heiji wasn’t surprised. Just resigned.

Shinichi coughed. “Kazuha-san called Ran about two hours ago, ranting about the ‘uncivilation and downright stupidity of men in general.’ I think everybody in Tokyo knows.”

“She didn’t break up with me, though,” Heiji murmured.

Shinichi snorted. “If Kazuha-san left you every single time you did something stupid, she would have kissed you goodbye a long time ago.”

“Thank you,” Heiji said, sarcastically, “you’re a wonderful friend. Really.”

-.-

He sat on top of his desk the next Monday morning, waiting for her to come in. She’d apparently left her house earlier than usual that morning, for when he’d shown up at her door, her father had answered and told him she’d already left. Avoiding him, Heiji assumed.

She walked in.

Primly sat in her seat, directly in front of his.

Deliberately ignoring him.

Heiji sighed.

It was funny, really. With others, he was always invincible, always unrivaled. He was unafraid. But with her, everything was opposite and he always found himself on the losing side.

She turned to face him. “See you after school at the front gates. We’ll go to the ice cream parlor.”

Heiji blinked.

And let out a cross between a grunt and a snort. “Fine.”

Inside, he was doing cartwheels.

FIN –

Haha. I guess I like writing a whipped!Heiji? ‘tis much fun. (Yeah. This was a complete and total PWP, wasn’t it? Oh well. 3 more Kisses to go!) Oh – and the first line in this piece, about running Heiji down in the parking lot? Taken from Grey’s Anatomy. (Of course, of course...)