Rapists, Serial Killers, Earthquakes, and Liz [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Rapists, Serial Killers, Earthquakes, and Liz

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SVU # 54: Rush Week [Jun. 21st, 2008|03:57 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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Okay, so this takes place during the twins' sophomore year at SVU.  The following characters are missing and presumed offed by Crazy William (or sent to a farm to live with Tragically Dead Deaf Regina and Zombie Olivia): Isabella (Lila Lite), Bryan (who is no longer with Nina), Winston, Bruce, Danny, Alison Quinn (YAY!), Tom Watts (mentioned by name only), Mike McCallery, Steven, and Billie (perhaps they've been banished to the Land of Nod with Todd's sisterbrother?), and our poor Lila is reduced to tertiary status at best.  For the next 5 books (boo!).  If you see any of these characters, please return them to Sweet Valley IMMEDIATELY.  Bruce and Winston in particular are sorely missed.  Lila, there's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you.  You can keep Alison, Tom, Steven, and Billie.  Replacing them are Sam (kinda like Devon only slightly less emo), Neil (Jessica's gay BFF and the only new character I approve of), Chloe (too annoying for words), and Chloe's new friend Val.  FAIL, FRANCINE.

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SVH # 141: A Picture Perfect Prom? [Jun. 10th, 2008|04:24 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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 The first book in a fabulous, four-part prom miniseries!  Yeah, this is according to the book...I loathe Devon Whitelaw, so I'm skeptical as to how fabulous this will truly be.  BUT, there is much Lila and Jess awesomeness in this book.  So be warned, this recap is extra long, but I tried to be light on the Todd/Devon/Liz triangle (let's face it, that whole storyline is made of lame), and I'm a little quote-heavy on Jess and Li.  Because they truly are at the top of their game here.



Jessica certainly looks proud of herself, doesn't she?  She's practicing her St. Liz head tilt, but instead of looking sympathetic, she looks like she's going to spank someone for being naughty.  And Liz looks like she just found out Todd's not a virgin.  Thank God it's just sticker shock!  And that is the ugliest effing hair ornament I've ever seen, Regina.

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SVT #80: The Gossip War [May. 29th, 2008|12:19 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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 Ahhh, "The Gossip War."  At first glance, it looks like this is where the inspiration for the Mean Girls three-way call war came from, but really, it's a lame, bland, hot dog flavored substitute.



So on the cover, we have Jessica, looking evil and like she has oddly short legs.  Ellen is on a payphone looking horrified.  The whole impetus for Jessica getting three-way calling is Ellen having her VERY. OWN. PHONE.  So I'm unclear as to why Ellen is on a payphone, as Jessica called her at home.  Unless Ellen's home is outside a Kwik Stop with Jay and Silent Bob.  Lila is just lapping up the drama.  As she should.  The tag says, "Three-way calls can be triple the trouble!"  Anyone else surprised that a three-way caused issues for Jess?

I have to say, I was really disappointed with this one.  I remembered it being far more awesome than it was.  However, I do love me some Mean Girls, so the three-way calling war was kind of funny.  I think it's a little disjointed because of all the subplot wackiness...Elvira, the two different history projects, lot of Steven baby-talking to his girlfriend on the phone...reign it in, ghostie!  Francine ain't winning awards with this kind of shit!
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SVH Super Thriller FEAR: A Killer on Board [May. 12th, 2008|05:10 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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 Hey, remember when Ned was a terrible(r than usual father) and the SVPD was inept(er than usual) in the last book?   And then John Marin got locked up and everyone was like, "Ha ha ha, he's gone forever and we're going to be a-okay?"  Yeah, they're totally not.  This book is resplendent with a blatant disregard for protocol by virtually every tertiary character.  Seriously, they make the camp counselors in Montana look capable.

Covah!




Look at those waves!  They're so treacherous!  And that is the biggest window I've ever seen on a boat.  Through it we can see a horrified Liz and Jess.  Also, do those little (big?) windows REALLY open?  Especially out?  This is all a little suspect to me.  Are there any sailors out there who can verify this?  When you open the cover, the scene is actually one from the book!  Jess and Liz are wearing the outfits described, the water glass is knocked over, and Marin's even wearing a flannel shirt while brandishing his knife.  Marin's got that floppy Dawson circa season 1 hair going on.

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SVH Super Thriller FEAR: A Stranger in the House [May. 5th, 2008|01:44 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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  A Stranger in the House: Or "What My Family Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Them....Even Though it Might Kill Them."



Cover!  This was a super special double cover.  The top part has the prison bars, and the inside shows John being all super evil with photos of the Wakefield twins in his cell.  Okay.  There's a photo of Jess cheering from the cover of Jessica Quits the Squad (how embarrassing that the newspaper captured her effing up!), Liz & Jess in bikinis under a waterfall.  FAIL.  They just recolored Lila's hair from here.  There are also two drawings at the top of Jess and Liz walking with John.  Magically, John has traveled into the future, photographed these moments, and hung them up on his cell.

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SVU # 20: Here Comes the Bride [Apr. 26th, 2008|12:47 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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 I bring to you the end of the 3-part pregnancy arc, glazed with the resolution of the doughnut shop plot.  Also Alice acts like a crazy momzilla.  And another glaring continuity error!  Can you handle it?



Cover.  I keep thinking college Steven looks like Michael from "Melrose Place."  And I might be grasping at straws, but Billie kinda sorta might resemble Sydney.  Also, horrible photoshopping job....you can actually see the border where the happy couple were plopped in front of this Sears background.


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SVU #11: Take Back the Night [Apr. 24th, 2008|12:49 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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We continue with our "90210" rip-off.  The part of Kelly Taylor will be played by Elizabeth Wakefield this evening.  Also, will someone please rescue Lila off the mountain?!  She's no longer nude and rolling around in the grass, so I've lost interest with this plotline.  Sorry it took so long to post this...there are two supa' lame subplots involving AlexEnid and Noah and Danny and Isabella, so I wasn't as into this one as #10.

Cover!



Yeah, James totally looks like Mark Wahlberg back when he was Marky Mark.  Jessica doesn't look so much scared or hurt as like she wishes she could have him back.  I miss the Daniels twins.  

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SVU # 10: No Means No [Apr. 14th, 2008|04:47 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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 Ahhh, SVU.  So clearly inspired by the college adventures of our friends at West Beverly.  There are two storylines stolen(ish) from Steve Sanders: date rape, and the Greek blackball ceremony.  

Sadly, I couldn't find the cover anywhere.  It shows James in his football uniform, clutching his helmet and gazing adoringly at one Jessica Wakefield (the artist formerly known as Mrs. Mike McCallery) in an SVU sweatshirt with a cheerleading skirt.  When I first looked at it, I was like, "Ummmm, Jessica's totally thatgirl that kept  her high school cheerleading uniform so that one day she could seduce a dude with it.  Then I read the book, and I was totally right.
Also, Lila and Bruce are still LOST.  In the wilderness.

 
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SVU #19: Broken Promises, Shattered Dreams [Mar. 27th, 2008|03:43 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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 I bring to you SVU # 19: "Broken Promises, Shattered Dreams."  Or, "Billie learns that 'It's My Body, It's My Choice!!!'"
So I like the SVU series because they don't assume that the reader cannot retain information read in prior books.  However.  Not having each book as a stand-alone makes it really hard to go back 12 years later and remember what's happened in the previous books.  The plots are also a little convoluted, so I've split them off into characters.   

AND this is the one in which Miss Lila Fowler runs a doughnut shop.  Hells yeah!!



Cover: Um, this just looks like a paparazzi shot of the Daniels twins having lunch.  Seriously, they're just blankly staring at each other.   How much do you think they got paid for this?  Sorry, tangent...to the doughnut shop!!!
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Unicorn Club #3: The Best Friend Game [Mar. 23rd, 2008|05:13 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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Okay, I'm going back to 9th grade English and working on conciseness.  Let's see how it pans out, shall we?




So here's the cover.  Sorry it's so tiny.  Elizabeth is in the foreground in her fab floral frock, chatting with Brandon Blitzen.  Lila, Maria, and Mandy (?) are smiling cheesily in the background.  Mandy looks borderline psychotic, but not everyone can handle the pressure of being on a local game show.  BTW, I think this whole plot is a rip-off of the Fab Five vs. the Fantastic Four, minus the awesomeness of Taffy Sinclair.

( Onward!! )
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Unicorn Club #7: Too Close for Comfort [Mar. 22nd, 2008|08:50 am]

amandahug_nkiss
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Please note...over halfway through this recap I realized I should have broken it into two plots: Angels and Unicorns, because the POV switches back and forth several times per chapter.  Sorry if it's a little convoluted and long.  If I wasn't so lazy, I would try to fix it, but here we are!


 

Oh noes!!!  The Unicorns and the Angels have German measles!!  On the cover we have the lovely "QUARANTINE" sign, courtesy of the Sweet Valley Dept. of Health.  Um, yeah, it's not the plague, people.  I'm sure the CDC is overwhelmed with German measle outbreaks.  Really, the doctor is the one who says they should be quarantined, but it's not mandated or anything.  Moving on!  I'm just guessing on who the peeps are...Kimberly at the left, reaching out for human contact.  Lila in the satin robe, because she rolls like that.  Ellen forlornly wishing she was in satin instead of flannel.  And Jessica appears to be wearing a "BUSH" jersey...in the Clinton era!!! I never would've pegged her for a conservative.  

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Unicorns at War [Mar. 18th, 2008|01:10 pm]

amandahug_nkiss
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This is my very first Sweet Valley snark, and I know this one has been highly anticipated.  Weirdly, I didn't think it lived up to the hype I remembered 13 years ago.  Anyway, hope it doesn't disappoint!



So this is the cover (please note that it's a "Super Edition," but it still counts as #6 in the series. It's also no longer than any of the other books).  We've got Mary's campaign poster with a 'stache clearly drawn by the bitch-faced Jessica, who is brandishing a Sharpie like she wants to stab Maria with it.  I think Lila is holding the other end of the "Kimberly for President" banner.  It could be Ellen, but since this never actually happens in the book, who knows? Liz is just standing in the corner looking constipated.


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