Elizabeth and Jessica are better than you.

Sat, 17 May 2008 15:04:59 GMT

I saw this building in Tokyo and thought of you guys...

Is this part of George Fowler's empire, do you think? Or maybe the - do they call them Japanese people in Tokyo? Or...Toky-ans? (from about 1:20) - just know how awesome she is.

Sweet Valley University #30: Beauty and the Beach

Sat, 17 May 2008 03:36:16 GMT

Sweet Valley University #30: Beauty and the Beach

This is the first book in the second “Lifeguards” series of SVU. If you had asked me a week ago if there was such a mini-series, I would've told you that you were high. No one would be stupid enough to put their life in Jessica and Elizabeth's hands once, let alone on two separate occasions. Those girls have killers shadowing their every move! But here we have it. SVU: Lifeguards. I looked at the cover and thought it was a Baywatch rip-off. My sister saw the cover and commented that it was like that time the characters on Saved By the Bell became lifeguards. In any case, it's a rip-off of someone, but I'll let you pick.

Luckily for me, the first part of the first “Lifeguards” mini-series has been recapped already by julieannie here. What's weird to me is that book was about 10 books previous to this one, and now it's the next summer. It took 100+ books to cover one year in Sweet Valley High but only ten to over a year in SVU. This is not the SV time warp I know and love. Frankly, I'm a little insulted that the editors decided to do SVU in something closer to real time. I don't like realism in my Sweet Valley.

From left to right we have: Theo, Elizabeth (maybe Jessica?), Ryan (Ben?), Jessica (Elizabeth?), Ben (Ryan?), Miranda and Priya

No Nina or Winston even though they're the only series regulars to appear in this book along with the twins. Discrimination!!

It's summer break (again). Elizabeth is driving, with Jessica and Nina, to Sweet Valley Shore. We're reminded that Liz was a lifeguard there last summer and that she dated a hot guy named Ryan Taylor, who is occupying her thoughts at the moment. Nina, meanwhile, had a crush on a guy named Paul but at the moment she is with Bryan Nelson. Except, Bryan is interning in Washington this summer and last time she called him, the phone was answered by a girl. Let's jump to conclusions, shall we? Nina declares that all men are dogs.

Last summer, Jessica was hot for Ben Mercer, who was from Chicago. They dated and kept in touch for awhile. But then their communication lagged. Ben was going to move to California but he didn't. (Not up-rooting entire life for perfect size six? Mind boggling!) Jessica wants to pick up things right where they left off, but she's not even sure Ben will be at the shore this summer.

Ben returns to the house when Jessica is unpacking. They flirt. Jessica thinks he totally wants her. But when Jessica asks how long he's been back, Ben mentions he returned early to help a “friend” with tryouts. Jessica assumes his friend is a male. Just for funsies, let's assume she's not!

Liz is walking on the beach alone. The ghostwriter helpfully tells us that her muscles began to “unclench” as she walked across the dunes. I think it'd take more that a view waves for St. Elizabeth to unclench, but whatever. Ryan appears and within seconds, they are making out. I want to call “cheating cheaters” but I don't know if Liz was supposed to be with Tom/Todd/someone else in #29. But whatever, it's Liz; chances are she's cheating.

Ryan tells Liz that there isn't going to be competitions between 'rival' lifeguard groups this year. He helpfully explains that lifeguards should be concentrating on saving lives and not beating other squads. You don't say, Ryan? I haven't read the first lifeguard series but now I assume it's like West Side Story with lifeguards jumping around and snapping their fingers whilst wearing red bathing suits.

The next morning, we cut back to Liz and Ryan. ...Elizabeth couldn't suppress the feeling of warmth that was rising up within her like a riptide. But instead of giving into it, Elizabeth just felt uncomfortable...”. She feels uncomfortable? How do you think I feel? I don't want to think about Liz's tides. Anyway, Liz thinks Ryan is cold, like a statue. I guess he was supposed to cream himself at the sight of her so she's depressed. Then they start making out. I'm going to spare you the descriptions of that, because I value your eyeballs. In any case, something is bothering Ryan and Liz doesn't know what it is. But instead of using the traditional method of asking him what's wrong she just frets about it and thinks about her tides.

Jessica tells Isabella, on the phone, all about her lurve for Ben on the phone. Isabella is in New York, interning as a buyer at a trendy boutique. I want to read bout Izzie's summer not this dreck. (“I just think it sounds cool, you know? Buyer, buying, to buy...”) Or Lila's. Where is Lila anyhow? The point of this passage is that Jessica is WAY over-confident about her relationship with Ben. How could things go wrong?

The next morning, Winston is there! Yay Winston! Okay, so he's not Lila, but I'll take what I can get. Winston makes pancakes for breakfast. I want a Winston. I never have pancakes. Winston lets them know that Wendy is also in town. Wendy was in the previous series. We learn she got engaged to some rich, music star, Pedro, and now lives in a mansion. Wendy invited Winston to stay at the mansion this summer. I think this Wendy must have really great taste to just invite Winston and not the twins. I approve.

Jessica and Ben walk to the beach. Jessica is actually surprised that he hasn't kissed her yet. Boy, these Wakefields are really full of themselves. They meet up with two new lifeguards—Theo (“a tall, lean African American”) and Miranda (“a trim and toned Amazon”). Miranda complains about the other girl she and Theo are sharing a place with. Her name is Priya and she sounds, well, she sounds like Jessica. All she does is talk about her boyfriend (bells should be going off) and complain about the tough work lifeguarding is.

Priya shows up fashionably late and when she does—gasp—Ben kisses her! Who could have possibly seen that coming?!? The ghostwriter melodramatically tells us that as Jessica watched them and “the world fell apart.” Oh noes! The boy I haven't seen in a year doesn't love me anymore!

Um, then Nina gets really upset. She thinks Ben is just like Bryan. Ryan sees her face and says she looks under the weather, and gives her the day off. Then Nina gets in an inner tube on the water and falls asleep. Which... is stupid for a person let alone a lifeguard. She, of course, wakes up on some strange beach. She meets a guy, then promptly passes out. Damn, Nina, I thought you had more sense. I'm oddly let down.

Then I am further let down. Jessica starts to cry over Ben. Miranda—who she is teamed with for the day—tells her to buck up, because she doesn't want Ben to see her fall apart. Jessica says she does. (Gasp! No! This is not my Jessica Wakefield. Why is she not throwing pizza and soda at him and pushing him in a fountain? I don't get it.) See, Ben never mentioned a girlfriend and he even flirted with Jessica before. She thinks he's pissed she blew him off after the Summer was over. Thankfully, Miranda convinces Jessica to “take no prisoners.” Miranda says she hopes Jessica can get rid of Priya since she's so annoying. I already love Miranda. Jessica always has the best friends.

Jessica marches over to their tower, with aims at being mean to Priya, I guess? Priya makes fun of her as stupid for going to some “local” college. Apparently Priya and Ben met in a Russian literature class when she corrected a TA about the order of Dostoyevsky's works. Jessica doesn't know who Dostoyevsky is. Even Ben mocks her.

Liz is paired with Ryan, of course. It is here we learn that Ryan was an alcoholic and his struggle has made him “more responsible.” Ugh. I just realized Ryan is Conner (from Senior Year) 2.0. He's all mysterious and broody. Gag. He invites her to dinner with his AA sponsor, Patti, that night.

Winston gets a job at an ice cream place. You'll remember (or not. If you, like me, hadn't read the first series.),Winston didn't make it as a lifeguard last year. Oh the indignity.

It turns out the guy whose beach Nina washed up on is a stereotypical, granola eating hippie, surfer dude named Stu Kirkwood. He lays her on his meditation mat while she is passed out. Nina, smartly, assumes he's a wack-a-doo and tries to defend herself when she wakes up. (Hey, it's more than Liz would do.) But it turns out he's a whole other kind of wack-a-doo and just tells her how the waves have been “mushy”but he can't let the “aggro” get to him or he'll never reach Nirvana. No, I'm not making this up. Stu lives on “SeaMist” a deserted island off of Sweet Valley's shore. How many deserted islands can one town have?

Liz and Ryan go to Patti's house for dinner. Apparently Patti and her husband, Arthur, own a pub. Pretty bad business for a recovering alcoholic. Also, she offers Ryan a beer and Liz flips out. Ryan turns it down but Patti drinks a beer. Liz continues to flip out. Ryan is like, “Leave it alone; you barely know her and her husband seems okay with the fact that she's falling off the wagon.” But you know our Liz can't resist the urge to get all up in someone else's private life.

Miranda tries to distract Jessica by taking her guy-watching. It's usually Jess's favorite sport, but unfortunately, once one has turned her down he's all she can think about. Miranda reassures her that Priya may be smart but she's not very clever (I guess that's a book smart vs. street smart distinction). But Jessica naturally takes the compliment the completely wrong way and decides she'll read Dostoyevsky too! She picks up Crime and Punishment because she loves those cop shows (Law and Order-esqe) on TV. I would've just thought she'd pick the thinnest one. But what do I know I only used to work in a bookstore and help a lot of stupid people pick out books.

Our first Ryan POV reveals that Patti has been drinking for a month now. He's tried to stop her, but she doesn't want to hear it. (Which is pretty standard with alcoholics. But just wait, I bet St. Liz can reason with her!) She even tries to get Ryan to drink too and he gets all broody and frowny.

I have this theory that Liz likes guys with “problems” so she can feel superior (and do the always fun superior dance). Because both Conner and Ryan are alcoholics. Todd is a rage-a-holic, which I believe stems from the mistreatment and tragic early demise of his sisterbrother. While Tom has intimacy issues since his family was killed by football. The only one I can't explain is Jeffrey, who dumps her so maybe he's an outlier for a reason.

Anyway, Stu keeps calling Nina “Little Mermaid” which pisses her off. He also insists on paying for her inner tube. Nina wants to pay him back, but Stu tells her to just put some “good energy” out there and karma will come back to him or some shit. Also? He owns the inner tube company.

Jessica reads Crime and Punishment for two whole hours. She thinks, “A guy kills his landlady and then feels bad about it. What's the big deal?” I laugh out loud, because of course Sociopathic Jessica wouldn't understand it.

Liz and Ryan leave and go prowl the beach for trash. How romantic. They discover college kids from Michigan (seems awfully far to travel, even if there's free beer) having a kegger. Ryan gets in a fight with the guys. And he tells Liz to get the beer out of his sight. She can't understand why he won't help her carry the heavy load. Duh, Liz. You're so stupid. She tries to “talk” with him but he doesn't want to. He walks away with his shoulders hunched. Melodramatically, the ghostwriter tells us that Liz feels something “die inside” when she watches him. I hope it was something vital.

Aww. To add to Winston's indignity, he has to wear a stupid costume with a fake handlebar mustache for his ice cream job. I guess it's old timey ice cream? Anyway, some bratty kids are mean to him. They rip off his mustache and steal his hat. Jessica—Jessica!—has to save him. SVU continues to find new lows for Winston to sink to.

Stu comes to see Nina while she's at work the next day. A blonde chick hits on him and she realizes she's jealous. Happily, Stu blows the blondie off and Nina thinks he's a faithful guy. Her trust in men is restored (?). That was fast.

Ben and Priya come to harass Jessica when she and Miranda are on duty. Priya finds Jessica's copy of Crime and Punishment and makes fun of her. Miranda tries to save her and says it's her book and she loaned it to Jessica, who has already finished it. Priya doesn't buy it. She and Jessica snipe at each other.

Then we have Baywatch action! Ooh! I'm so excited. Nina and Theo (Ryan likes to segregate the colored people from the whites, apparently) are partners. There's obnoxious parents who aren't paying attention to their kids. Two of them are on a raft that flips over when the water gets rough and they nearly drown. But Theo saves the boy and Nina saves the girl (also segregated by gender, naturally). When Nina returns to her perch she finds a note from Stu saying she really is a mermaid. I just hope they remembered to run n slow-motion!

Liz goes to harangue Ryan after work. He says it's hard to explain how he feels to someone who's not an alcoholic, but our Liz continues to push and push until he gets upset. And then she demands to know if he's been drinking. He says he hasn't and even thanks her for her concern (bullshit, he'd get all pissed at her accusatory tone, but whatever). St. Liz to the rescue again!

Jessica hears Priya and Ben come home and tries to avoid them. Instead of just saying they come in while she's about, Jessica has to go to the potty and can't hold it. Then she steps on a splinter and shouts and nearly falls down the stairs. Sweet Valley can never do things the easy way. Priya quizzes her on Crime and Punishment (Jessica should just tell her to shove it up her ass—she's not her teacher). Of course Jess knows nothing about the book and makes a fool of herself. After they're gone, she cries.

This is the time when I would call Lila. ...Okay, no I lie. If I had Lila's number, I'd never not call her.

Nina feels yucky after saving that kid. She tries to sleep but Jessica keeps making noise. She decides to take a mental health day because she's “sure” Liz will cover for her. Doormat alert! Liz does even though she's pissy about it. Nina goes and makes out with Stu.

Miranda and Jessica patrol the beach. They see someone in trouble down by Ben and Priya's area (they're too busy smooching to save the innocents). Jessica runs for it, but before she can get there, Priya actually trips her and steals the save. These people are supposed to be lifeguards! People could've died!

Winston is harassed by more evil children, and then arrested by the cops. For real. Wendy has to bail him out of the clink. She announces that she's filing for divorce from her mega-star husband!

Liz gets her hair done for her date with Ryan. It makes her late. (Naturally she blames Nina for making her work that day, but one would think she would've just skipped the hair appointment. I only ever had my hair professionally done for the prom and weddings. Sheesh.)

Miranda and Jessica are having a girls night when Priya and Ben come home. Jessica and Priya snipe about the tripping incident. Priya says she's lying and then starts to get all literature reference-y and not at all subtle way. But she gets Dangerous Liaisons mixed up and Jessica calls her on it (since she'd seen the movie. It's like the scene in Clueless about Hamlet.) Jessica does a victory dance.

Liz is indeed late. But, of course this is Sweet Valley and we have to make it extra special late. The Jeep dies. Liz sees a pay phone but—oh noes—the cord is cut and the Jeep won't start. She sits in the car and cries, cries, cries. Ryan is waiting for her at the restaurant. He assumes the worst, that Liz is standing him up (why? We don't know). So he decides to get whiskey from the bar. He downs it in “one swallow.”

I'll say it again: these people are supposed to be lifeguards. Never go to the Sweet Valley beach if you value your life.

SVH foreign covers

Fri, 16 May 2008 20:10:08 GMT

Holy crap, you guys! I'm sitting at home sick making trouble with the internet and found this website!!!! It has real people copying the SVH covers!!!!

#59: In Love Again

Fri, 16 May 2008 06:46:48 GMT

Hi, first-time recapper here! It’s like the first day at school, I’m all nervous. Since my mother threw out my old SVH collection, I’m going to make do with whatever I can find in the charity shops. So far I’ve found... well, this one. Bear with me, it’s stupidly long. I don’t have the art of concise recapping down yet.

The cover is less frightening than normal, although the artist has made quite a shocking error. I couldn’t find a picture, but Todd has been given BLUE eyes. No, no, artist! Todd has coffee-brown eyes. Elizabeth and Jessica have ocean eyes, Todd has caffeine eyes. Come on now, this is basic stuff.

Now, it’s been a while since I last read SVH, so I’d sort of forgotten how truly appalling the writing is. We open on Jess and her friends in the cafeteria, and Lila says: “I don’t believe it! Are you seriously telling me that everything that happened in the last book just happened? This isn’t an awkward opening at all!” Well, OK, she didn’t say that. But I bet she was thinking it.

So Liz and Todd are back together, and Jeffrey has been consigned to Liz’s Ex-Boyfriend Heap of Sadness. Jess is really pleased, because she gets to tell people about it, and she loves to be in the middle of everything. “Right now, she was more than in the middle of the action – she was its twin!” If Liz is “the action” we might as well all kill ourselves right now. I have cyanide pills.

We get a recap of the Liz/Todd situation. Todd is back and Liz has dumped Jeffrey for him. Charming. Amy says that Todd is cuter than Jeffrey, and Jess is disgusted that Amy would think it’s all about looks. Yeah, Amy. Remember the ugly guys Jess dated because they were really sweet and... oh. Sorry. Forget that. No, it’s not all about looks. Todd’s father is now president of Varitronics and is practically a millionaire. Oh, so it’s about money. Gotcha. Todd’s father has transferred him to a really swanky private school, Lovett Academy, too. Lila tells us about it, because she knows about things like that. Apparently the only reason she doesn’t go there is because “Daddy thinks it’s important for me to learn about the real world.” Oh, he does not. Daddy has never once made any kind of decision relating to Lila’s growth and wellbeing, because he is a horrible person. Jessica wants to go to the swanky school because it’s full of cute rich guys. Then on the same double page, we hear about Skip Harmon and Sheffield Eastman. Skip and Sheffield? What the hell kind of names are those? It sounds like a crap satellite TV show where a zany kangaroo comes to live with a pretentious nitwit. Sheffield - no, I’m sorry, nobody is called Sheffield. I’m not having it. You cannot name people after towns famous for their steel industries. I’ll call him Shef instead. Shef turned out to be a complete waste of Jess’s time, because he, like, wanted to do charity work and shit. Boo, Shef, boo! Jess still wants to go to the poncy private school, and her friends laugh at her.

Over the other side of the cafeteria, we find Liz and Enid. Jess comes over to them, and Enid says, “Here comes trouble. Trouble with a capital T, and that stands for Twin.” Hee hee, Enid is Professor Harold Hill. We get the so alike and yet so different/blue eyes/blonde hair/size six stuff. Liz patronises Jess a bit in her mind. Jess wants to know about Lovett Academy. Liz patronises Jess out loud. Jess stomps off.

English class. Liz just can’t seem to keep her mind on the poem Mr Collins is discussing. I bet she can’t. Eh, Liz? Oh, she’s just thinking about Todd. That’s much less interesting. Liz wasn’t expecting to fall in love with Todd again, and is sad that she had to hurt Jeffrey. Yawn. Liz, you fall in love with someone who’s not your boyfriend ever other freaking book. The only difference is that you’re usually leaving Todd for someone else, not the other way round. I swear I used to think of Liz as being all sweet and loyal when I was younger, but she’s kind of a tramp, really. Liz gets all misty-eyed thinking about how selfless Jeffrey was, because he could easily have “conspired to keep Elizabeth and Todd apart.” I love how this is totally the normal thing to do in Sweet Valley. Liz moons about annoyingly, and the chapter ends. Jesus, I’m going to have to speed it up a bit.

Liz drives Jess to the library so she can research Lovett Academy. Liz, who knows everything, tells Jess that Lovett isn’t the right place for her. Or Todd. Someone who went to that school was once mean to Liz, which means the whole place should be burned down and the ground salted. Jess has seen Jeffrey walking around looking sad. Liz is cross that anyone still remembers Jeffrey – after all, she hurt him and he hasn’t thanked her for it. Well, don’t they, usually? She gets cross again at the idea of Jeffrey getting a new girlfriend, because she still likes him too. I would quite like to slap Liz. Jess says that Jeffrey is bland and Todd is fantastic. HAH! Jeffrey is bland! Unlike Mr. Excitement himself, Todd Save The Whales Wilkins. I’m recapping as I read, and I’m going to have to take a break and giggle for a moment.

Alright. The Wakefields are eating dinner. Alice is being Stepford-y and has made dinner after a ten-hour working day. But it’s alright, because Liz helped. Liz is shocked that Jess doesn’t admit to not helping. Has she ever met Jess? Jess wants to go to Lovett (yes, we know), and it’s very expensive but that doesn’t seem to matter, because Ned and Alice can easily afford it and “have never felt strongly one way or the other” about it. Do these people give a shit about anything their daughters do?

Liz goes to Todd’s new house. It’s big. She’s nervous because Todd’s family have moved up in the world a bit. I’m not sure why Liz cares about this. She and Todd hug. Liz has brought over some homework. No, really, she has. Todd suggests they watch a film his father videotaped instead. OK, you’ve moved into a mansion and you’re still too cheap to actually buy films. Todd and his dad are both losers. Todd wants to go to Secca Lake tomorrow, but Liz has an Oracle meeting. Todd is upset and acts co-dependent and weird. Liz agrees to leave the meeting early because Todd is all that matters. Liz, get a clue. I can’t believe I said ‘get a clue’. I’m English.

Liz goes to the Oracle meeting and runs into Jeffrey. There’s a bit of awkwardness before they’re interrupted. They go into the office, where Olivia remarks that Liz got “pounded on” in maths. Huh? Does Mr Collins teach maths now? No, turns out Liz hadn’t done her homework. Oh, that naughty Todd! Recklessly casting aside Liz’s homework! The meeting is boring, and Liz leaves early. Penny is disappointed in Liz.

Jess goes on about Lovett some more.

Liz and Todd meet. Todd says “Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to see you?” which makes me feel as though he’s taking the piss out of her, or is her elderly grandfather. They talk about Lovett, and our old friend Shef comes up again. Both of them moon about and annoy me.

Penny calls Liz into the Oracle office and tells her off for slacking. She says things like “Are you starting to feel you have too many other commitments to manage your column?” No sixteen-year-old speaks like that. My careers advisor spoke like that. Todd and Liz talk, and he’s also been told off for slacking. They agree to stop slacking. Good grief, this is dull.

We meet Courtney Kane, a girl that Todd dared to reject. This is because she sucks; the ghostwriter is quite clear on this point. Courtney doesn’t speak like a sixteen-year-old either. Imagine a moustache-twirling villain in a silent film. Imagine that the little captions were written by Elizabeth Wakefield. That’s more or less how Courtney speaks. Anyway, Courtney is cross about Liz and Todd and wants her ‘revenge’. We randomly go to her house and hear about a plot contrivance, sorry, inter-school Olympics. Courtney thinks this is a great opportunity to humiliate Liz and Todd. Courtney is a loser. So she and Todd probably would have made a good couple.

Jess is studying for the Lovett exams. Liz comes in and patronises her. I am so sick of Liz. Can we have some scenes without her now, please?

No, apparently we can’t. A special assembly has been called to announce this stupid Olympics thing. Jess thinks she should be on the Lovett team, and Liz hopes that Lovett aren’t involved, because she doesn’t want to compete against Todd. Of course, Lovett are involved, and there are several boring discussions about picking teams and how Sweet Valley is totally going to beat every other school. I’m glad we don’t really do school spirit here, because it sure is annoying.

Liz is upset. Lovett is the wrong place for Todd because Liz has met a couple of people from there and they aren’t really to her taste. She doesn’t want to associate with them, and Todd feels she’s not giving them a chance. Is he right? asks Enid. No, says Liz, and that’s the end of that. She goes to meet Todd at Lovett, and they see Courtney Kane. She is both attractive and brunette, so we know she’s a bitch. Courtney disses Liz’s outfit, continuing to sound not quite human. She invites Todd to a party and is rude to Liz. Courtney is a little desperate. Liz says Courtney probably meant to be friendly. She says this because someone accused her of not being perfect a minute ago. Todd says, “Typical Liz! You always manage to see the best in everyone!” HAH! I really hope this was the ghostwriter’s attempt at satire. Liz stresses about Courtney.

Liz is going to the country club with Todd, and grouses about it. Jess tells her she’s lucky. I think this scene is meant to be showing me how shallow Jess is compared to Liz, who is totally real and sees through all the emptiness of money and power, but it’s not working. Liz is so bloody grumpy in this book. She drives to the country club with Todd and gets angsty because Todd’s car has a CD player. Head, meet desk. Liz doesn’t like Lovett people and Todd does, blah blah blah. We meet someone called Campbell Rochester. Why can’t posh men have normal first names? Why do they have to have two surnames or a place in England? I’m a little concerned that we’re going to meet a Chipping Sodbury by the end of the book. Anyway, “Campbell” is Courtney’s date. He winks at Elizabeth, who immediately decides she never wants to see him again. What? Liz thinks the country club is ridiculous and doesn’t want to play golf. She speaks to a guy from SVH who is a caddy, and some of the girls snicker. They make a remark about “hired help”. It’s all kind of unpleasant, but I’m almost feeling sorry for the posh people. Why are they speaking like they’ve been badly translated from the Korean? We discover that “Campbell” is a lecherous, pompous, badly-translated arse. Courtney sees him and is cross with Liz. Shef crops up again. Liz and Todd leave. Todd didn’t have any fun. Neither did I.

Jess has heard of “Campbell” and is excited that Liz got to meet him. Liz is still being moody. The stupid Olympics comes up again, and we find out who’s doing what. Olivia is doing the spelling bee. What sort of Olympics is this? Liz is on the relay team with Jeffrey! However will she cope? She might have to – gasp – pass him something! Todd, in a move that will shock all of you, is on Lovett’s relay team. I don’t understand why this competition doesn’t have basketball but does have a spelling bee. There is a deathly boring relay-practice scene, notably only for Jeffrey calling Liz “loyal”. Snerk.

Todd is late to meet Liz. She’s cross. More “is Todd getting snobby” stuff. They fight again. Todd gets really angry and his knuckles turn white. That’s a bit of a dodgy description to throw in there – I have a vague recollection of thinking he was about to punch her. Of course, I might just have been a disturbed child. Todd and Liz break up.

Enid can’t believe Todd and Liz broke up. Why not? She’s seen it enough. Liz goes to relay practice. The relay involves a three-legged race, an egg-and-spoon race and a rope climb. Huh? I thought a relay was just running and passing a stick. I’ve never seen a rope climb in a relay race.

Courtney hates relay races. She also hates Todd. Except she doesn’t. It seems Elizabeth is the only one she really hates, because Todd is rich and cute. Courtney asks Todd out, and acts pathetic and delusional. I think they were going for “intimidating and evil”, though. Oh well. Todd has to do the rope climb, much to nobody’s surprise. Courtney is now “the most avid fan of rope-climbing at Lovett academy.” Courtney is starting to remind me of Crazy Margo. Courtney accidentally reveals her plan to get her dad to rig the race. Oh, Courtney, you and your crazy schemes. I bet deep down, you really want to be Liz. After all, doesn’t everybody?

Liz can’t climb the rope. She complains that there aren’t any footholds. Jeffrey says, “I guess that’s how rope-climbing works.” Heh.

Another random visit to Courtney’s house. Her dad is one of the judges. That’s got to be a conflict of interest, surely. He says he’s going to judge the competition fairly, and Courtney gets cross. OK, Courtney is definitely an early Crazy Margo.

Liz tells Jess – who is still studying – that she and Todd broke up, because Todd is a totally different person now. Jess suggests, rather pragmatically, that she go back to Jeffrey. I love Jess’s advice. But no, Liz wants to be with Todd, so long as he becomes what Liz would prefer him to be. She can’t apologise to Todd, because her apology would be “I’m sorry you suck as a human being now.” Liz thinks it’s hopeless. I think Liz is hopeless.

Jess bunks off school to go to her Lovett interview. Obviously, the interviewer is stuffy, the school is stuffy and Jess can’t think of any reasons why the school would want her. I don’t believe that Jess wouldn’t have been able to bullshit her way through that. Jess realises she doesn’t want to go to Lovett because they’re all about, like, academics, but she has to get in or else Lila and Amy will tease her. That’s kind of stupid, Jess. Todd comes up to her and wants to know if Liz has said anything about him. Jess says no. Go Jess! She gets home and Liz makes her recap the thirty-second exchange again and again. Liz, you’re pathetic. I turn the page and Jess says, “Liz, you’re pathetic.” Go Jess again! Liz doesn’t bother to ask Jess about her interview and whinges some more.

Stupid Courtney is trying to come up with ‘ideas’ to ensure that Lovett win the dumb Olympics. She actually has a pad and pen out. I’m kind of concerned that this is her idea of ‘revenge’. Her friend tells her that cheating is a bad idea. Courtney rants about Sweet Valley and Liz, and her friend doesn’t get what the problem is. Finally, a posh person sounds normal! It’s a shame that the friend’s name is Dominique and I’ve just finished watching America’s Next Top Model. It’s confusing me a little as on that show, Dominique was the crazy delusional one. Courtney tells Dominique that she’s stupid, nobody wins fair and square, rant rant rant where’s my butcher knife. Dominique thinks Courtney knows more than she does. Courtney offers her a sweater if she’ll help. Dominique is all for it, so she is kind of stupid after all.

The big day arrives. Courtney gets to the competition field early and runs into Todd. She says they’re going to win, and Todd says SVH might. Courtney doesn’t like that Todd is still loyal to SVH. She actually thinks, “It was so tedious the way he went on and on about it.” HAH! If that was satire, then ten points to the ghostwriter. Courtney drones on a bit in this vein (apparently, Todd is a bore. Who knew?), and then we go to the events. Lovett wins the swimming, SVH wins the tennis. Then we go over to the College Bowl, which, for dumb foreigners like me, appears to be some sort of quiz as opposed to a bowling tournament. Courtney has got hold of the answers, and will signal ‘true’ or ‘false’ for the Lovett competitors. True or false? Aren’t they meant to be sixteen? I’m sure they can cope with proper questions.

Alright, I read ahead a little. These are the questions:
“The highest mountain in the world is Mount Kilimanjaro. True or false?”
“The man who made these words famous: ‘that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ was Neil Armstrong. True or False?” – and they didn’t know it! Courtney had to get it out of the book and signal! Dimwits.
“Rock and roll singer Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman. True or false?” Courtney knows that, cause she’s down with popular music. The follow up is: “One of Mr. Dylan’s hit songs claims that ‘the answer is blowing in the wind.’ True or false?”
“A United States senator may only serve two terms. True or false?”
“Water boils at two hundred and twelve degrees centigrade. True or false?”

Then Lila says: “These questions are a lot harder than I thought!” Excuse me, I have to go and cry for a minute. Please reassure me: Sixteen-year-old Americans know the answers to these questions, right? Right? Jess notices the signalling, but doesn’t want to make a fuss at Lovett before she’s even started. Because she’s totally going, you know. Courtney helps to set up the relay and replaces SVH’s rope with a duff one. That’s Liz’s rope! Noooooo! Dominique has stopped being stupid and started being horrified again, but I’ll let her off as she’s the only Lovett person who speaks like a human. They start the relay race. The chapter ends. Suspense!

Well, not really. They run the race. Jess gets over her conflicted loyalty to cheer for her sister. As Liz starts the rope climb, Jess notices that it’s breaking. It snaps and Liz falls. Courtney yells at Todd to keep going. Jess runs to her sister’s aid, and Todd drops down from his rope and picks Liz up. Liz is OK. Well, phew. I was nearly as worried as Todd. Courtney runs over to her father and demands to know how they’ll pick a winner. Her dad sort of notices she’s crazy. Bruce Patman suggests a tug of war. Oh, hello, Bruce. Everyone agrees, and Jess steps in for the injured Liz. Awww, I like Jess when she’s not rambling on about Lovett. Todd pulls out and Courtney is cross. She says Lovett won anyway. Jess threatens to expose the cheating in the phenomenally easy quiz. They start the tug-of-war. It’s not very interesting. Then Todd yells, “GO, SWEET VALLEY HIGH!” Exactly like that. Caps and all. Inspired by this, Sweet Valley win. Oh, good grief.

Courtney complains to her father, who has definitely realised his daughter is nuts. Courtney yells at Jess that she cheated by replacing Liz. Jess tells Courtney that she cheated by, well, cheating. Courtney threatens to make Jess’s life hell if she comes to Lovett, and also that she won’t let her get into Lovett. Make up your mind, whackjob. Jess doesn’t want to go there anymore anyway because she’s has realised Liz is right: All Posh People Suck.. Todd is coming back to SVH and everything is lovely.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Everyone cheers, “Yea, Todd and Liz!” Yea? That’s an oddly Biblical choice. Also, vomit. Nobody ever cheers when I go into a burger place. There’s also some pointless lead-in stuff for the next book about Amy and Ken, but I’ve already written far more than is healthy. I’ll try to be less rambly next time provided that a) I can find another book to recap, and b) that this one didn’t bore you all too much.

I have found something that may be of interest.......

Thu, 15 May 2008 08:09:27 GMT

I've been looking through my old school work and letters from friends when I was a youthful teenager, and I've come across some fan fiction we wrote back in the day about Sweet Valley! It's about the shameful secrets the characters may have that we don't know about. Does anybody have any objections to me posting it? I don't have any accounts at any FF sites otherwise I'd post there. MODs, feel free to delete this if it's not appropriate or in the wrong place and muchos apologies if so!

On a different note, I've just read SVT Patty's Last Dance (which is my next recap by the way). I didn't even know she was in SVT! When did she appear?

I Wonder....

Thu, 15 May 2008 07:17:47 GMT

How has Sweet Valley influenced your life?

I'm not talking body image issues, other little things.

I once decorated my Christmas Tree in Blue and Silver.

Since then it's been, Red and Gold, Purple and Silver, Gold and Silver, last year was Black and White, this year will be White and Gold and next year White and Pink.

I can never hear the word TOFU with out mentally adding GLOW.

What about you?

I dig a french bikini on hawaii island

Thu, 15 May 2008 05:56:24 GMT

Does anyone here watch Gossip Girl? I saw the latest episode, 1.17, yesterday and couldn't help but notice a huge resemblance to SVH.

You know how Serena's making out with Not Deaf Pete in the hotel room, and then decides that no, puking did not make her horny? She ends up giving him one line of cocaine and it's the line that kills him! Just like Tragically Dead Regina.

Don't do coke with you grow up, kids, or you'll die.

Generally speaking, can you think of any other instances where modern tv shows/books/movies etc have borrowed from the Sweet Valley High series? (probably unintentionally, no one wants to admit to being inspired by SVH.)

SVH #93 - Stepsisters

Wed, 14 May 2008 22:38:50 GMT

In my last recap (SVH #81 – Rosa’s Lie), I claimed that Rosa Jameson was not in any other SVH book because, you know, she’s a minority. Turns out, I was WRONG! SVH #93, Stepsisters, is not only fabulous enough to show another minority’s struggle to fit into the bleach-white world of Sweet Valley, but the girl in question actually takes advice from Rosa! Oh, Sweet Valley High and racial issues… once again, the topic is handled in a sensitive and non-offensive manner. Seeing how no one had recapped this book yet, I thought I’d recap another book that tackles the same issue (racism!) in almost an even worse manner.

We open at a cheerleader’s practice; not even a full page goes by before Annie Whitman starts musing about the differences between the twins. Annie, by the way, is pretty much the star of this book. That’s right, not even the miniscule B-plot revolves around the twins. GASP!

The B-plot sucks, so I’m just going to get it out of the way to begin with. Tony Esteban (a minority!!!) cheated on Annie but wants her back. She doesn’t know if she can trust him! (Once a cheater, always a cheater) But, as we all know, he feels horrible, and she takes him back. LAME. Aren’t you glad I got that out of the way? Personally, I think Tony is only brought back because it allows Annie to think about how she’s NOT racist because she dated someone who wasn’t white. And yes, she does think about this. Repeatedly. Conclusion: She cannot be racist. Clearly.

The A-plot sucks too, but in a totally different way. I had train-wreck syndrome throughout the entire book. No joke.

Annie comes home after cheerleading practice, where her mom (who’s just returned from a modeling gig in New York) has big news: She’s getting married to someone she’s never mentioned to Annie, Annie’s never met, and who has a daughter Annie’s age!

What the hell? Neither Annie nor I knew her mom was dating again.

Annie is surprised but thrilled. Her mom talks about how much Annie’s going to like them and vice versa. Then, at the end of the chapter, we get this revelation:

“Annie,” Mrs. Whitman said, “Walter and Cheryl are black.”

Hehe!!

It continues:

Startled, Annie looked up at her mother. “They’re black?”

“Yes,” Mrs. Whitman replied simply.

Annie considered this for a moment. Why should that be especially surprising? She asked herself as she fingered the photo frames on her mom’s dresser. Why shouldn’t she have fallen in love with someone who happens to be black?

Annie decides it doesn’t matter to her. But she doesn’t decide to stop obsessing about it. Oddly enough, she seems to be more shocked that her future family is black than that her mother is marrying someone she’s never heard of.

Oh, but Annie has HEARD of him – he’s a famous photographer.

Annie also wonders if Cheryl will have a hard time in Sweet Valley because she’s black. Um, yes.

Enter the first of many conversations where Annie and her mother discuss how racist they are not. Annie is given the worst line EVER, saying, “I guess you could say that the issue’s not quite as black and white as I thought it was.” Her mother, in reply, “bops her with a throw pillow.” (actual quote!!!)

Annie and her mother move in next door to the Wakefields – worst neighbors ever. You never know when there’s going to be a kidnapping, crazy stalkers, crazy Margo, or Elizabeth Wakefield peering over your fence.

Jessica has heard of Walter Thomas (the groom), as he’s done photos in Ingenue and Style. In one, Cheryl (Annie’s soon-to-be stepsister) was featured, so Jessica knows she’s black and expects to meet celebrities through her. Also, in odd contrast to Annie, Jessica does not stress about the fact that she’s not racist.

As a side note, might I just say that I’m glad they named the family Walter and Cheryl Thomas and not some racially-charged stereotypical “black” name?

Annie tells her friends about her mother’s remarriage but does NOT mention that they’re black. She makes a big point NOT to include this information. At the Dairi Burger, Jessica makes some comment about Cheryl and someone asks how Jessica knows what Cheryl looks like. Instead of just letting Jessica mention that she saw Cheryl in a magazine article, this is what happens:

Annie, frantic that Jessica was going to blurt out the fact that Cheryl was black, cut in with, “My mom’s told me a little about what she looks like, and I told Jessica.” Annie felt bad about lying, but she thought, ‘I don’t want someone else to mention that Cheryl’s black, because it’ll look like I was trying to hide it. Then people might think I was ashamed of it.’

Actually, it looks like she’s trying to hide it by lying. What does she think, that Cheryl’s NOT going to arrive and that her friends will NEVER see that she’s black? I mean, people in Sweet Valley are dumb, but come on!

Liz enters the Dairi Burger and manages to cajole Annie out of there, saying, “I figured you might want to get out of the Dairi Burger. It was a little, um, crowded…. Is there something you want to talk about?”

Annie, this is the future. Today, it’s at the Dairi Burger… Tomorrow, it’s Liz peering into your bedroom…

Liz and Annie have the best convo EVAH! Annie stresses some more about Cheryl and Walter being black and, in turn, about she and her mom being white. Annie says, “There aren’t as many black people here as there are in New York.”

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.

Liz ingeniously suggests that Annie talk to some of the black kids (kids?? Plural??? In Sweet Valley???? Maybe it’ll get up to double digits soon!!!!) on campus, and Annie decides she should get to know the black students better. Although, to be fair, Liz does say that Cheryl might not “automatically gravitate towards other black kids just because she is black.” Uh huh.

So, the Whitmans go pick up the black half of their family at the airport. Annie likes to do the cooking at home (…last book I read, Annie just liked to do all the guys on campus…), but Cheryl can’t eat the dinner that Annie’s prepared because (I’ll let Cheryl explain): “I’m a lacto-ovo-vegetarian. That means I eat milk products and eggs, but no meat, seafood, or poultry…. I can eat some plain rice, though.”

Cheryl, having just moved across the country and having endured a long flight, says it’s been a long day. Annie thinks, “It can’t be easy leaving your friends and your school and moving clear across the country to live with a woman you scarcely know and a girl you don’t know at all… She studied Cheryl’s dark eyes and couldn’t help wondering whether part of the problem was that she and her mother were white.”

W. T. F. Does the stressing about being or not being racist never end? Personally, I think the problem has more to do with the fact that Cheryl doesn’t know them and left her whole life behind, and LESS to do with the fact that they’re white. But, then again, this is just me. Unlike most of Sweet Valley, I’ve seen a black person before.

Cheryl and Annie try to get to know each other. Cheryl says things are so different in Sweet Valley and Annie immediately wants to ask her if she’s talking about race. (Yes, Sweet Valley is just like New York but with less black people – there are NO other differences…) But Annie wusses out and saves the racists ponderings for her mind.

The Wakefields go to Annie’s new house (naturally, uninvited but not unwelcome – after all, they’re the Wakefield twins!). They are nicer to Cheryl than Annie is. They even point out that Annie seems uncomfortable around Cheryl (but, of course, she’s not racist…).

Annie talks about the welcome party she’s planning for Cheryl. Like I mentioned before, Annie had wondered why she doesn’t hang out with more minorities and so decides to invite a lot of people to the party who she barely knows just because they’re minorities. When she mentions the guest list to Jessica, Jessica asks, “Did you invite Greg just because he’s black?” Annie “blushed even more furiously and stammered, ‘I – I thought Cheryl might like to meet someone who… who…’” Unfortunately, they’re interrupted by Elizabeth. (Who WHAT, Annie? That’s what I want to know!)

At one point, Cheryl is clearly a mouthpiece for the ghostwriter’s opinions of Sweet Valley (as well as my own personal opinion) when she says, “Sweet Valley sounds like something out of a 1950’s beach party movie – football, cheerleaders, sororities, surfing. I suppose you have a burger joint too?”

Annie at this point decides that Cheryl should pledge PBA. Who isn’t in this elite sorority? Besides Rosa, of course (which is later mentioned in this book). When Annie mentions this idea to Robin, Robin wonders if PBA will care that Cheryl’s black.

Of COURSE they will. It’s PBA.

Annie is then forced to tell Robin that she hasn’t actually told anyone that Cheryl is black. Robin questions this and points out that they will all be surprised to see her. Annie says, “It shouldn’t matter.” (but, of course, it truly DOES matter to Annie… and, for the record, it DOES look like she’s trying to hide it!)

Now, the party. Everyone who comes in is shocked and stares at Cheryl because, you know, they don’t expect a black person to show up in Sweet Valley. I’d stare too. It is a pretty rare sight.

Annie is uncomfortable that everyone talking to Cheryl is mentioning sports because Cheryl’s totally not into that. So Annie takes it upon herself to give everyone the rundown of Cheryl’s celebrity connections to give them something to talk about. Everyone, in return, looks embarrassed FOR ANNIE and walks off. Even Cheryl is embarrassed. I’m embarrassed and I’m not even there!

Cheryl eventually has to ask Annie, “What gives with all these black, Asian, and Hispanic kids here? I don’t think I’ve seen this many people of color since I got to Sweet Valley and certainly not in one place.”

Nor have I, Cheryl. Annie somehow managed to round all ten of them up for your comfort.

Cheryl continues, “What’s more, every time I ask somebody who’s white how they know you, it turns out that you do stuff with them after school, but every time I ask someone who isn’t white the same question, it seems like all you have in common is that you have a class together, or did once.”

Annie finally fully admits to herself and us that she “figured that Cheryl would be more comfortable with people who aren’t white.”

Am I the only one who thinks that this is the most uncomfortable party EVER?

Rosa Jameson (hola! – one of the minorities!) comes in and mentions that Cheryl and her mom have something in common – they both love Debussy. WTF? I just read the book on Rosa and her parents blast Spanish music, not classical stuff!

Rosa voices the opinion of EVERYONE THERE (and here, for that matter) and says that people are wondering why Annie hid the fact the Cheryl was black. Rosa and Elizabeth also notice that “about a third of the guests were black, Hispanic, or Asian.” Rosa points out that the room looks “like a rainbow.” (Too bad Tom McKay wasn’t there to appreciate the rainbow :-) )

Side note: Oddly enough, Cheryl does bond with one of the black people there, Patty Gilbert. But not because they’re both black. However, score one for Annie for inviting minorities!

The next day at school, Cheryl points out again how different Sweet Valley is and says, “I’m beginning to realize how sheltered my life in New York was.”

Um.

Annie goes overboard trying to make Cheryl feel welcome, dragging her along to football games, swimming, pizza… At the football game, Cheryl talks to Steven (who’s home for the weekend, naturally) and when Cheryl mentions that she now feels like a minority, Steven mentions that “you’ll probably be surprised at the diversity around here.” We’d ALL be surprised, Steven. That’s why everyone was surprised to see diversity standing in the doorway when they first saw Cheryl.

At the PBA pledge nomination night, Annie nominated Cheryl for membership, Suzanne Hanlon says she doesn’t know if it’s a good idea, and Annie asks her if she doesn’t want Cheryl in PBA because she’s black. “Suddenly, the whole room was tense.” The nomination passes through. At the end of the meeting, Suzanne blackmails Annie into buying and cooking food for her party in order to secure Suzanne’s support for Cheryl’s membership in PBA.

This sorority sucks.

Enter Rosa and meddling Liz, who go with Cheryl to Rosa’s house. We get a synopsis of SVH #81 – Rosa’s Lie! Rosa gives Cheryl more reasons to not want to be in PBA.

Suzanne’s party. Annie brings the food but Suzanne takes credit for it. Again, this sorority seriously sucks. In Cheryl’s “acceptance speech,” she mentions that Annie cooked the food and then declines membership in a diplomatic way. Annie is pissed because she claims she was trying to do Cheryl a favor by giving in to blackmail! Cheryl rightfully asks, “WTF? I didn’t even want to join!” (I paraphrased) Cheryl then asks, “I’m supposed to be grateful to you, am I? That’s the way it always is – black people are supposed to be grateful to white people for trying to turn them into white people too.” (actual quote)

Annie is humiliated, but let’s face it – she did tell Cheryl she was turning Cheryl into a California girl. We all know what she meant.

Annie feels guilty. Good.

Then Annie’s mom has to have her appendix removed, so Cheryl and Annie go to the hospital and refer to themselves as “Mrs. Whitman’s children,” showing their solidarity. The mom is fine. Cheryl and Annie make up. Annie says something in “a husky voice.” I thought the only people in Sweet Valley to speak in husky voices are the guys Liz and Jess are dating? My whole word is turned upside down. Maybe “Annie the Ho” is back – pucker up, Cheryl! And why the crap do these books always have such dramatic endings?

Ho hum.

And are Cheryl and Steven in love? Find out in SVH #94, ARE WE IN LOVE?

OH MY ACTUAL GOD

Tue, 13 May 2008 20:27:27 GMT

I am sending ot a mass mailing at my office to all the new employees, and...

THERE IS A SUZANNE DELVIN.

awesome!!!!!

Tue, 13 May 2008 00:03:08 GMT

Hello everyone! Longtime lurker here who just wanted to say hello, and I'm just curious: Whatever became of the winners of the tote bag? Were they announced? I was curious as to who had the winning entries!

SVH Super Thriller FEAR: A Killer on Board

Mon, 12 May 2008 22:09:44 GMT

Hey, remember when Ned was a terrible(r than usual father) and the SVPD was inept(er than usual) in the last book? And then John Marin got locked up and everyone was like, "Ha ha ha, he's gone forever and we're going to be a-okay?" Yeah, they're totally not. This book is resplendent with a blatant disregard for protocol by virtually every tertiary character. Seriously, they make the camp counselors in Montana look capable.

Covah!

Look at those waves! They're so treacherous! And that is the biggest window I've ever seen on a boat. Through it we can see a horrified Liz and Jess. Also, do those little (big?) windows REALLY open? Especially out? This is all a little suspect to me. Are there any sailors out there who can verify this? When you open the cover, the scene is actually one from the book! Jess and Liz are wearing the outfits described, the water glass is knocked over, and Marin's even wearing a flannel shirt while brandishing his knife. Marin's got that floppy Dawson circa season 1 hair going on.

Elizabeth and Jessica helpfully recap the last book for us while they set the table. At dinner, Ned asks the family if they'd like to go on vacation for a week. Alice interrupts to ask if Steven is going, and he's not. He's having way too much fun working in Sacramento! Or he knows his family is crazy and has no desire to spend a week alone with them. Whatevs. Jessica threatens to drink a bowl of extra hot salsa if Ned doesn't tell her where they're going. That, I would like to see. Ned announces that they're going to Catalina Island to stay at a ritzy resort called the Orizaba. Marianna West was supposed to go, but she's too bogged down with work, so she's letting Ned take her reservation.

That night, Elizabeth's on the phone with Todd, apologizing again for cheating on him. Todd's like, "Yeah, it's a good thing you almost died or I'd be super pissed. But I guess almost getting your throat slashed'll teach you!" After they hang up, Jessica comes in waving pamphlets and talking about all the exciting things she wants to do on Catalina. Liz learned her lesson, and she's had enough excitement. She's going to read a book by the pool, thankyouverymuch. They finally agree to go horseback riding.

Leighann LeShay is getting ready for her shift as a prison guard. She thinks about how horrible all the prisoners in Cellblock A are...except for the handsome young man in cell 202. He's such a ~~fucking crazy serial killer~~ polite gentleman!

Liz and Jessica are leaving the cafe on Friday after work, and Jess is making fun of Liz for taking forever to say good-bye to Todd. Elizabeth asks if Jess misses Ken, and she admits that she does. She's afraid that the two of them are going to turn into boring Todd and Elizabeth. Don't worry, Jess, soon you'll have another dead boyfriend who will make Ken an ex-boyfriend.

Alice is packing for Catalina. She's sorting through her nightgown drawer looking for something...romantic. Ned's gonna get some, ya'll! What do we think Alice considers sexy sleepwear? I'm guessing she's more of a "softer side of Sears" kinda gal than a Frederic's of Hollywood lady. Alice thinks that she's pissed at Ned. It's his own fault he spent a week in agony, because he could have told her what was going on. Yeah. That's the only smart thing Alice thinks this whole book.  Ned walks into the room, and Alice lays into him (after folding a long gown of aqua silk into her suitcase). She tells him that she has the right to defend her family, and when Ned says that he feared for Alice's safety, as well, she says that she has the right to defend herself. But her voice is shaking and she collapses on the bed when she says it, so we know that she's a helpless wittle female.

Jessica's packing while Liz makes fun of how messy her room is (ZOMG, so different but so identical), and they YET AGAIN recap the whole Marin/Scott/Ben business. Elizabeth once again refers to him as her "soul mate," and once again, I yack. To lighten the mood, Jessica holds up a red sequined tube dress, and Elizabeth asks if it's a sequined tube sock. A girlfriend of mine bought a red sparkly tube dress from Victoria's Secret about ten years ago. Not a good look, even on a perfect size 6 blonde.

Leighann is doing her rounds, and the prisoners are being all cliche-y and heckling her. She thinks to herself that she's like Clint Eastwood, and she actually says to someone, "Go ahead-make my day!" She also uses such clever bon mots as, "Bug off, creep!" I've seen enough prison movies to know that guards are usually slightly more explicit. John Marin tells the guys to shut the eff up, and they all clam up immediately because they can sense his evil. Leighann walks over to thank him, and is all googly-eyed and in love. John is standing with his arm around his abdomen, and when Leighann asks what's up, he says it's just indigestion. John also tells Leighann that he made her a present, but gifts are strictly foreboden. Leighann takes it anyway, continuing Sweet Valley's fine tradition of a blatant disregard for any kind of standard protocol. He carved her a teeny tiny sailboat! And he wants to take her on a midnight sail when he's released from prison! And Leighann totally thinks she's falling in love with him! So many idiots in this town. At least she doesn't call him her soul mate. Barf.

The Wakefields are in the car on their way to Catalina. Liz mentions that she's having Winston and Maria pick up the mail, and Ned flips out (this is a recurring theme...Ned's a twee bit schizo in this book), saying that it should be HIS responsibility to ~~inform his family when a psychopath is after them instead of handling it himself~~ take care of the mail. After all, he's the one who so thoughtlessly sprang this amazing trip on his family at the last minute! Jessica suggests singing to lighten the mood.

At eight o'clock in the morning, Leighann is doing her rounds. She stops by John's cell and notices him curled up in the fetal position on the bed. She asks if he's okay, and he rolls onto the floor, groaning in agony. I don't know why, but I kinda don't think he's really sick.

And now, in honor of kakeochi_umai, I present to you Jessica Wakefield's version of "Home on the Range":

"Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam,
Where the water-skiers and the Windsurfers play,
Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word,
And the guys flex their muscles all day!"

Elizabeth laughs, but then she gets all freaked out when she sees the boat. She's horrified of boats now because of that time a week ago when John almost killer her. Um, I call shenanigans. If the Wakefields stopped doing things because they almost got slaughtered, they would not go to/intern at the following:

London, the Sweet Valley News, Flair magazine, parties at Lila's house, spas, the library, SVH, the boiler room at SVH, SVU, use virtual reality goggles, fraternity parties, Nevada, Death Valley, the hospital, football games, cabins...

Anyway, Leighann is ONCE AGAIN disregarding protocol to open John's cell and try to help him. She kneels down by John, and he grabs her wrist and steals her gun. But-but...she was in love with him! They were going to go sailing! Yeah, not so much, Leighann. He makes her call her supervisor (Manuel) to come up and check on Marin. Manuel comes into the cell, and Marin bashes him upside the head with the gun, killing him. Um. What kind of guns do they use at this prison? Granted, it's been a while since I whomped someone with a gun, but I feel like you'd have to use a pretty big gun and a lot of force to actually kill someone by hitting them with a gun. Who knows. John steals Manuel's uniform and makes Leighann sneak him out of the prison.

Marianna West is working on Saturday morning, and a lawyer named Griffin comes in. There's a lame exchange, the point of which is to demonstrate the fact that Griffin's a tool who doesn't listen or respect women.

Harry Emerson and his family are driving from Utah to LA, and Harry wants to stop at eleven instead of twelve for lunch. Harry's wife is a shrew and will not abide this kind of defiance. Harry (silently) vows to do something unexpected on this trip.

John has tied Leighann up in the backseat of her Geo Metro (that sounds uncomfortable...like the backseat of a Volkswagen). He's abandoning her, but lets her know that if she struggles enough she'll be able to free herself. Then she can walk the ten miles back to the prison. Leighann is all upset that she was such an idiot. She tells Marin that she's quitting her job when she gets back to the prison. Yeah, wishful thinking. Pretty sure you're already fired, sweet cheeks.

Harry Emerson and his family are walking down the road in the desert. Harry's wife is bitching him out since the hitchhiker he picked up has stolen their car, their cash, and their suitcases. Harry will not be doing unexpected, wife-defying things anymore.

Marianna is over Griffin. She wants to throw him out a window. Luckily, a handsome young man comes into her office, asking where Ned's office is. You see, he's here to fix Ned's voice mail. And what a perfect opportunity for Marianna to rid herself of Griffin! She sends him to Ned's office with voice mail guy and tells him to supervise the guy, as per standard office protocol. Griffin sulks into the office, and John starts talking to him about how much women bosses suck. He tells Griffin to go ahead and get a cup of coffee, and since Griffin is brimming with ineptitude, he complies. John hacks into Ned's voice mail (fyi, Ned's lame password is "TWINS"), and hears a message from Tony warning Ned that John is out of prison. John finds out where Ned is vacationing, and off he goes.

The Wakefields are by the pool, and Ned freaks out when he sees a guy walking towards Elizabeth. He screams and jumps into the pool after the guy, disappointing Alice and embarrassing the twins. After this incident, the twins go to lunch. They decide to go horseback riding after they eat.

Debbie Clayton is working the registration desk, thinking about how much she wants to become employee of the month. She'll get a $100 bonus! She wants to buy a white sequined dress she saw in one of the hotel shops. HAWT.

A handsome young man wanders in, interrupting her reverie. He wants a room, but the only one available is the VIP suite. Debbie hesitates, but ultimately lets "Leon LeShay" (get it?) have it. If John is such a criminal mastermind, why doesn't he use a more clever alias? Leon also asks what room his good friend Ned is staying in, and, as has become custom in this book, Debbie blatantly ignores hotel protocol and tells him, inadvertantly revealing the twins room, as well. Debbie, I think that dress will look phenomenal at the unemployment office.

Jessica's perving on the horseback riding instructor, a red-haired guy named Brad. The girls are wearing the outfits from the cover: Jess has on a blue and white striped string bikini with denim cut-offs and a sweater around her waist, and Liz is wearing khaki shorts and an orange and white striped tee shirt. Jessica thinks Liz's shirt looks like a Creamsicle. Mmmmm. Creamsicle. Elizabeth is sickened by Jessica's flirting with a strange man so soon after almost being killed by a strange man, so she rides ahead on the trail.

Jill Reese, a waitress at the hotel, is laying by the pool, lamenting how boys don't like her. She thinks about the hot twins she waited on at lunch, speculating that they must be size sixes. Of course. A handsome young man comes up to Jill, and she gets excited for a minute. Then he asks about the twins (referring to them as "the Doublemint twins." That is so meta!), saying he saw Jill waiting on them at lunch. Jill reluctantly says that she heard them mention going horseback riding.

Jessica disappointedly tells Liz that she was right about not flirting with strange men. Brad is married! Jessica's bored (the group they're riding with is primarily children), so she asks Brad if she and Elizabeth can ride off on their own. Brad is reluctant to do so, then Jess mentions Brad's wife, and he lets them go.

Ned goes up to the front desk to check for messages, and Debbie gives him a note from the twins, saying they're horseback riding. She also tells him that his friend, Leon LeShay, checked into the hotel. She describes Marin, and Ned freaks out. He heads back to the room and calls Detective Tony. Tony's like, "Meh, chill out, Ned. LOTS of people fit Marin's description. Never mind that you don't actually HAVE a friend named Leon LeShay, or that Marin has a history of trying to kill your family. Have I mentioned I'm a police officer? Trust me!" Then Tony mentions Leighann LeShay, the prison guard Marin kidnapped. Ned realizes that Marin is on the island. We don't hear Tony's reaction, but I'm sure it was, "Psshh. Purely coincidental! LeShay's a VERY common name!"

Joe Garcia is smoking a cigarette behind the stable, thinking about how he wishes he could buy his fiancee, Debbie, the slutty white dress she wants for her birthday. Just then, a handsome young man walks up (ghostwriter, plz to give me a new description), and wants to rent a horse. Joe says no, it's against the (incredibly flexible and easy to disregard) hotel protocol for guests to take out horses without a guide. Leon offers Joe $100, and Joe allows Leon to take out Old Lacey.

Ned and Alice are in their hotel room, and they find a note that says, "Horseback riding can be dangerous, Counselor. JM" Oh noes!

Jessica and Elizabeth are lost. And Elizabeth is getting a twee bit snarky. When Jessica insists that they aren't that lost since they're still on Catalina Island, Elizabeth says, "Do you rehearse your lame comments ahead of time, or do you improvise them on the spot?" Pwn3d!1!!1 They keep fighting, and Liz says Jess has no common sense. Jess then says, "If you have so much common sense, then why are you in the middle of the woods, screaming your lungs out, sitting on a horse with an idiotic name like Fred?" Jess, I would be a little nicer to Fred if I were you. Fred has magical Pegasus powers that you might need later! The twins start to get nervous as they notice that it's getting dark, and a storm seems to be a-brewing.

Brad is irritated with the little ones. He's lamenting the loss of hott Jessica. Brad sees Leon struggling to get Lacey to go off-trail. Brad says that Old Lacey has been trained to stay on the trails. However, Brad's horse (Big Red) is the best off-trail horse around!

Ned is panicking and trying to get Joe to let him take a horse. He offers Joe a hundred dollars! Joe gives in (of course) and says that it's his lucky day! A guy named Leon gave him a hundred dollars earlier. Ned is not pleased.

Brad is confused as to how Leon managed to convince him to switch horses. He wishes he was as persuasive as Leon...then maybe he could have gotten into Jessica's drawers. Oh, Brad. You don't have to be THAT persuasive. You pretty much have to make eye contact. Or untie her bikini top. Either way.

The twins are still sniping at each other. Jessica finds herself at the edge of an 80 foot ledge, and she can see a beach at the bottom. Elizabeth finds a rocky, overgrown path leading down to the beach, and Jessica volunteers to lead the way.

As the twins make their way down the path, Elizabeth keeps getting startled and thinking she sees people hiding in the shadows. Jessica's horse (Black Beauty, natch) stumbles at a narrow, rockier portion of the path. She rights herself, and starts down another, even narrower, rockiester part of the path. Black Beauty drops to one knee and isn't able to stand up. Jessica's clinging to the horse, as the saddle has come loose. "The girl and the horse were silhouetted against a sky full of swirling purple clouds." LAME.

Suddenly, a voice says, "Well, well, well." Not your best opener, John. Elizabeth screams, "Marin!" Then Black Beauty pitches forward and she yells, "Jessica!" Not helpful, Liz. Liz is trying to get Jessica to slide backwards off Black Beauty and get on Fred. She decides to distract Marin by mocking him. Nice. Jessica's trying to figure out how to get off of Black Beauty without scaring her. She puts her sweater over Black Beauty's head (in lieu of a gunnysack), and begins to slide off. A boom of thunder spooks the horse, and it bucks, knocking the sweater off. Jessica jumps off the horse, and Elizabeth tells her to jump onto Fred, who is bounding away from Marin.

HEY!!! Guess what? The twins great-great-grandmother Jessamyn was a horseback rider in the circus! Jessica feels her ancestors blood coursing through her veins, and she manages to jump onto the horse. So. Many. Flashbacks. fyi, Black Beauty manages to stand up, in case any of you were concerned that she fell over the ledge.

Alice is packing the twins' things so that when Ned and the girls return, they can immediately leave. Alice shats on all the goodwill I've earlier bestowed upon her. She decides that she's not sitting around the hotel! If she doesn't hear anything in an hour, she's going to join the search, too. I'd much prefer she polish the suitcases or something equally useful.

The twins are still riding Fred, with Marin in hot pursuit. Elizabeth says that Fred is getting tired and won't be able to keep up the pace much longer. The twins stop at the edge of yet another cliff, and Marin is now so close that he can almost reach out and touch Jessica. And then. Awesome sauce. Elizabeth decides to jump the horse off the cliff!

(artist's rendering of Fred...not sure which one is Jessica or Elizabeth on the back of the horse, though)

Ned is still searching for the girls, and he stumbles upon Joe and Brad. They inform Ned that they found Black Beauty by the ledge. Her knee is a little scratched, but otherwise she's fine. They also found a scrap of Jessica's sweater stuck to a bush. They assume that Black Beauty pitched forward and flipped Jessica over the cliff. Ned decides to head down to the beach and try to find Jessica's mangled corpse.

Jessica is closing her eyes in fear as they ride Fred over the cliff. The horses hooves hit ground, and he keeps running along. The twins turn around and realize that the cliff wasn't a steep drop, but was kind of a staircase of rocks that Fred was able to bound down. Elizabeth calls him Pegasus. I said it first!   The girls see Marin standing at the top of the cliff, and decide to make their way towards a campground nearby.

Ned manages to find the twins, and there's a tearful reunion. They head back to the stables.

Alice barges into the stable, and Joe and Brad tell her that they think Jessica got smashed when Black Beauty pitched her over the cliff. Alice wants to go to the cliff (to look for evidence? At least Ned had the common sense to go look for her remains), and just as she's "obstinately" insisting that she WILL be taking a horse, Ned and the girls come into the room. There's a happy reunion, and Brad says that the police will want to talk to the girls that night. Alice insists that they will be leaving immediately, and the police can talk to the girls on the mainland. Joe tells the Wakefields that Debbie's mother runs a houseboat-rental service, and he'll arrange for them to take a boat off the island (since it's so late, there are no more shuttles, and helicopters can't fly in the storm).

The houseboat is puttering loudly along (Jess says it sounds like a popcorn popper). Elizabeth keeps feeling like she's on Marin's sailboat again, and she's sitting on the deck by herself, all depressed. Poor Lizzie.

Marin is trying to rent a houseboat from Debbie's mom, and she says no, because she's already rented her last houseboat. Marin asks to take an old motorboat that's tied to the dock. He offers her one hundred dollars, and since she's easily bought like the rest of her family, she agrees. She walks inside to get the paperwork, and looks at a flyer that was given to her earlier. She realizes that John is John, and he walks in, punches her upside the head, and she goes down. He grabs an ax and the keys to the motorboat, and heads off to seek bloody vengeance. Bwah ha ha!

Jess asks how much longer to the mainland, and Ned and Alice don't know. Ned says that if it wasn't an emergency, they wouldn't be out on the water at all since it's so rough. Suddenly, Jessica sees a motorboat in the distance. Elizabeth says, "Marin!" And Ned says it can't be him. Jessica and Elizabeth are rather insistent that it might be, but Ned just keeps saying no. Ned's such a fucktard. Ned says, "Damn!" (two Ned swears in as many books!), and decides to take the inflatable dinghy over to the motorboat. face-palm. Alice suggests calling the Coast Guard, and Elizabeth (who in the last two seconds has become convinced that there's no way Marin can be in the boat) says there's no time. The motorboat is about to capsize! Ned takes off in the dinghy, after the ladies anchor the houseboat.

Hey guess what! Yeah, it's totally Marin in the motorboat. He chopped a hole in the hull of the boat to get it to fill slowly with water. Marin hears Alice on the radio, and responds saying that he's the Coast Guard. He says that they'll head out as soon as possible, then tells her not to use the radio in the next hour or so in case of emergency. The frequency is getting jammed due to all the emergency calls from the storm. Oh, Alice. So Liz and Jess didn't hear the voice and realize who it was? So.Faking.Stupid.

Ned has made it to the motorboat and yells hello. He notices that there's an aluminum ladder hanging off the side of the boat, and observes that it seems a little unusual. Hmmm. He notices the water in the hull, and climbs into the boat, after tying the dinghy to the motorboat. Ned looks around and doesn't see anyone, then spots a note on the steering wheel. It says, "You lose, Counselor. Alice and the girls are mine." Ned runs to the side of the boat and sees that the dinghy is gone. He thinks about diving into the water and swimming after John, but realizes that the waves are too treacherous and the distance is too long. Oh, Ned. I'd love to see you try to swim that far. Since you're a Wakefield, I'm sure a fleet of dolphins would come and lead you to safety.

Suddenly, he notices a radio! OMFG, I bet John totally forgot to fuck with it before he took off! Ned says, "Dammit!" when he finds it chopped to bits. Such language! Ned notices that the key is still in the ignition, and knows that Marin would never leave it if the boat actually worked. He says dammit AGAIN, and thinks that he's never felt so helpless. Dude, you brought it on yourself. If you weren't such an effing idiot, you wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place. Your daughters have been almost killed way more times than you, so maybe next time you should listen to them, 'kay?

Jessica and Liz are in the cabin, making jokes about her hair. Liz is like, "Must you ALWAYS be so vain?" And Jess is like, "Dude, chill the hell out, I was just trying to cheer you up. The one time in my life I'm not just thinking about myself you get all up in my Kool-Aid!" Then Liz apologizes and asks where Alice is. She's gathering the medical supplies together in case the fictitious motorboat people are injured. Liz says that it seems like Ned's been gone a long time, Jess says it doesn't, Liz asks how Jess would know, Jess says, "Don't get sarcastic about that stupid wristwatch thing again!" Soooo different, soooo alike. Liz says that Ned's been gone three-quarters of an hour. How weird. I always say 45 minutes. Jessica says that she thought she saw Ned coming back toward the boat a few minutes ago, but it was probably the bright light from the boat playing tricks on her.

The twins hear something bump against the boat, and run to look out the ginormous porthole.  Alice comes in and says she already checked, and it wasn't the dinghy. Alice gets up and says she has some more work to do on the deck (ah, Alice. Good ol' predictable, crazy Alice. Nice to have you back.). Jess and Liz try to follow her, but Alice tells them to stay where they are in the cabin.

Ned's trying to get the boat started before it fills with water. He notices a canvas tarp that was covering the front of the boat, and manages to plug the hole with it. He knows it's only a temporary solution, and starts to bail the boat out. I'd almost feel sorry for Ned, but it's kind of hard when he just keeps bringing it on himself.

John has arrived at the houseboat and has anchored the dinghy about thirty yards away. He left the ax in the dinghy because it was too heavy to swim with. He's still got that stupid knife. He's got a weird obsession with killing the Wakefields in a clean, delicate manner. Blech. He pulls himself onto the boat, and smiles as he sees Alice doing...whatever it is she's doing on the deck.

Alice is getting upset waiting for Ned, and decides to hell with the Coast Guard! She's going to radio for help. She also says this out loud. Because, you know, no one is capable of thinking quietly to themselves in this book. John busts out his knife and moves towards Alice, after cutting the anchor line. He knocks Alice out as she stands in front of the radio.

Ned has bailed the motorboat out and is desperately trying to start the motor. It's missing a spark plug wire, so he's kind of chopped together the motor, using a wire from the busted radio. Who knew Ned was so talented? The boat takes off slowly, and Ned notices that the houseboat is moving away. He panics.

Marin is forcing Liz into a little storage space kinda thing. He has a knife to Jessica's throat and tells Liz he'll kill Jessica if she doesn't go into it. With a final glance at Alice, Liz climbs into the space and Marin shuts the top.

Ned pulls the motorboat up to the dinghy and ties them together. He grabs the ax, pulls up the anchor, and takes the motorboat over to the houseboat.

Jessica replays the last few minutes. Liz dropped a glass of water onto the table by the bunk beds...ZOMG, just like on the cover! Well-played, Daniel Weiss and team! Jessica starts crying and asking Marin how he found them, and John tells her to shut up.

Elizabeth is cramped in the tiny storage space thingy. She's already starting to freak out (I actually don't blame her, for once), thinking she feels bugs crawling on her and panicking about how much air is left. Then she starts listening to John and Jessica. Jessica proves that she's supa' slow on the uptake, telling John that Ned will be back with the people he rescued from the motorboat any minutes. John's like, "Yeah, are you retarded or something?! It was fucking ME in the motorboat and I totally tricked you guys!" Elizabeth gasps. I really can't believe the two of them are this shocked. THEY WERE THE ONES WHO THOUGHT JOHN WAS IN THE MOTORBOAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Sorry for the caps...I'm hoping if I type loud enough they'll figure it out. Anyway, John tells Jessica that Ned's probably dead since the motorboat was sinking, and the twins start to cry.

Jessica struggles and Elizabeth hears Marin slap her. Jessica asks what difference it makes since he's going to kill her anyway, and after some threats about killing Elizabeth, Jessica lets John tie her up. Kinky. Elizabeth is pissed that Marin's using her against Jessica, and she punches the floor. She cuts her hand on something sharp, and realizes that it's a scalpel. She picks it up and thinks that she feels stronger because now she can hurt Marin. Assuming he lets her out of the storage space trunk thingy in lieu of letting her suffocate.

Alice wakes up to see Jessica (and herself) tied up. Jessica starts to tell Alice where Elizabeth is, and John slaps her again. Methinks Jessica likes the rough stuff, as she keeps defying John's orders to shut the eff up. Alice tells him not to slap her daughter, and John's like, "Okay, I'll just slit her throat then. Is that okay with you?" He walks over to the storage compartment and lets Liz out. She tries to stab him in the stomach, and it really just pisses John off. Stab to kill, Liz. John practically breaks Liz's wrist, and then ties her up. He then gets a gas can and starts tossing it around the deck, dousing Jessica's cutoffs and Alice's khakis. John fakes the girls out a little, then he lights the fire. As Marin reaches to toss a match at Jessica, Ned tackles him.

Alice instructs the girls to work their hands free, saying the ropes are coming loose. A spark lands on Alice's head, igniting her beautiful blonde hair. Jessica smothers it with her elbow. I don't know. Ned and John are fighting right by Jessica, and as John tries to stab Ned, Jessica manages to trip him. Ned hits John upside the head with the handle of the ax (doesn't feel so good, huh, John?). A spark lands on Elizabeth, igniting her shirt. Ned snuffs it out (with his HANDS. Ned's kind of badass for about two pages), and unties her. Then he frees Alice while Liz frees Jess. They run to the dinghy, and stupid frigging Ned decides to go back and get Marin. Dude. The hell?!

Alice cuts the line and they row the dinghy away from the houseboat. Alice says that Ned told her he's going back to get Marin and swim him to safety. Alice is super Stepford about it, and says she wanted to argue with Ned, but there was no time. Yeah, I'd grab my husband by the ear and yank his ass overboard. The boat explodes, and Alice is like, "I'm sure Ned's fine. He'll be here soon." It's like in Titanic when they're waiting for the boats to come. Jessica thinks that Marin could've woken up and jumped off the boat, and Ned would be risking his life while Marin was swimming away.

Suddenly a male hand reaches up the side of the dinghy! Ned climbs into the boat, telling the girls that Marin is dead. He saw the body himself-Marin died of smoke inhalation. Elizabeth thinks that they're finally safe, and then she dips her oar into the water, rowing away from the burning boat.

I hope the Coast Guard finds them and they don't capsize or something. Maybe they're still floating out there?

SVU #21: For the Love of Ryan

Mon, 12 May 2008 20:33:26 GMT

On the cover, Liz is in the hat and Jess is in the really high shorts and Ryan is the lifeguard

Jessica gets out of the Jeep talking about how hot some guys were while Liz said she couldn't see the because she was too busy being a good driver. They head into the Victorian house they'll be renting for the summer while lifeguarding at the Sweet Valley shore. So far we know they'll be staying with Winston and Nina. Liz chooses her room and "settles in" by putting True Love Tom's photo on the nightstand. Jess comes upstairs and we hear all about how identical twins are identical (even wearing the same outfit!) but how they are so different (Liz has a ponytail and hat on, Jessica has on high heels and curled hair). Jessica has to take a room on the 3rd floor while Liz has one on the 2nd. Liz also says Tom will be visiting her from his Colorado internship one weekend. Crazy and a waste of money.

The girls and Winston head off with Nina to lifeguard orientation on the beach. We meet Wendy, who is also a 3rd floor house member and she and Winston hit it off right away. Wendy tells Winston that the evil South Beach Squad has already been chosen and Ryan Taylor will be the head of the Sweet Valley Squad, which they're all trying out for. During the initial orientation meeting, Liz and Jess both find Ryan really hot. Bad Liz talks during the meeting and gets in trouble. At the end of the meeting, Liz and Winston decide to jog back to the house but then Liz trips and makes an ass of herself. Jessica takes the time to chat with Ryan and he decides she's the good smart twin.

We find out back at the house that the 6th roommate is a guy from University of Chicago, Ben, who just so happened to have flirted with Jess on the beach and Jess lied to him and said Ryan was her boyfriend. Jess finds Ben cute enough but prefers Ryan so she is really mean to Ben. To get her back, he asks her about her boyfriend. Everyone in the house is surprised to hear about a boyfriend and Ben announces it's Ryan and Jess gets teased and Ben knows she lied.

Wendy and Winston (W&W) walk on the beach together looking at houses while Wendy says which celebrities live there. They agree to be buddies since his love, Denise, is away and she's permanently single. On their way to a Pedro Paloma (PP) concert, they find a hungry lost dog that they decide to keep and call her Paloma Perro.

The next day, Liz is awakened at 6:30 am by Jess showering, dressing and exercising. Liz is encouraged to join in but she realizes all of her time behind a computer has left her out of shape. The group meets for breakfast but the dog is barking and won't let them into the kitchen so to waste time, Ben flirts with Jess and she shoots him down.

At the beach we find out the group can't swim yet because the dog delayed their breakfast and they think they have to wait before swimming. I would ban them all from being lifeguards then and there. Liz volunteers she can swim because she didn't eat breakfast and Ryan singles her out and yells at her. Liz looks like an idiot to him and Nina won't help her because she thinks Liz is dumb too, and saving lives is more important than friendship. Nina chats with Ryan later and we learn a kid died last summer when he wasn't even on shift but he still felt guilty enough to drop out of school and just travel and work. He's very tense all the time too. I think he needs to get laid. I think Jessica thinks this too.

The tryout group does some in-and-outs on the beach and Jessica is the fastest, even faster than Ben. Liz is the slowest, even slower than Winston. The group breaks for lunch but Liz and Winston have to show up half an hour early for extra training. Liz cried to Nina about how unfair it is and Nina is honest with Liz about her attitude and skill and Liz gets all defensive and mean. Nina tells her to cool off and eat lunch. Also over lunch, W&W decide to earn some extra cash by offering a SV Shore celebrity home tour.

During the afternoon practice the group goes on a 3 mile run in the ocean. Liz is doing well but cuts her foot on a shell and Ryan makes her stop running but he's very nice and concerned about it. He tries to have her stay behind with a buddy but Liz protests so he lets her stay alone with just a whistle. As the group runs on, Liz decides to cool off in the ocean with a nice swim. While running, W&W spot their celeb idol, PP, and they're so excited about their upcoming tours. The group runs back on the sand instead of the ocean because the tide changed. I bet you can see where this is going. Liz is caught in a riptide and Ryan runs by just in time to save her..and to lecture her. As soon as she's safe he yells at her and tells her just how badly she screwed up. I don't blame him but he should have waited at least a minute so she could catch her breath.

Later that week, Winston starts to lead his tour of 20 or so sightseers to their celeb home stalking. The group peers into windows, steps on lawns, steals flowers and are chased by dogs while Winston keeps telling them to behave. After the tour, the police captain shuts the tour down permanently but Winston is still ahead $200.

That night, the group minus Elizabeth heads off to a local dance place. W&W dance together while Nina pairs off with Paul, a guy that she is suddenly more attracted to than her boyfriend Bryan, but she's well-behaved and lets Paul know she's off the market. But he says he's better and tries to win her over. Oh the couples of SV are always doomed. Speaking of doomed relationships, Liz is back at the house trying to reach Tom but he's at a party. Liz is all depressed and thinks he might be with another girl already. Because that's what Elizabeth Wakefield does the minute her boyfriends are away, she cheats. So of course her boy toys would do the same. Back at the dance, Jessica conned Ryan to show up and dance with her. He seems to be reciprocating her feelings but then he disappears. PP shows up and runs into Winston and asks Winston how much it would cost to remove his house from Winston's tour (even though the tour has been banned) and Winston agrees to remove it if PP will go out with Wendy, his adoring fangirl. PP finally grudgingly agrees. He asks Wendy out and after being awkward she gives him her phone number. Jessica mopes outside about Ryan and Ben joins her. Jessica pushes him away and he leaves. Then Ben's crazy ex, Rachel of the South Beach squad, shows up, tells Jess to stay away from Ben, then knocks her down and into the ocean.

Liz takes a walk on the beach and runs into Ryan. Liz goes off on some long dialogue about how she's usually so great and successful and how Ryan just as the wrong idea about her but he tells her right off that he doesn't want someone on the squad who is so full of themselves and their own self-importance that they think they can't screw up. Burn. He walks off and Liz heads off crying and wishing she had gone with True Love Tom to Colorado.

It's the day of the final lifeguard cut and the group is at the house when the phone rings. Liz hopes it's Tom, Winston hopes it's Denise, Nina hope it's Paul, (none of the lovers have called their significant other in SV yet) Jess hopes it's Ryan, Wendy hopes it's PP but instead it's just a wrong number. They head to the beach. Jess notices a person in the ocean struggling for help so she dives in and saves him. Ryan heads out to help and they get back to the beach safely. Ryan tells her she doesn't have to take the tests, she's proven herself to be a lifeguard. That's one spot filled.

During tryouts, Liz does pretty close to perfect on a mock-rescue but Winston has some trouble. His "victim" is safe on the buoy but Winston loses his group and the victim heads to shore without him. Wendy comforts him by saying his relays and CPR were all good.
Ryan has everyone stand up and listen as he reads off the list. Nina is on the squad, as she already knew. Wendy makes it too and Jess of course. Ben also makes it as do some others named Marcus, Paula and Kerry. There's several people and only one spot left. Elizabeth gets it along with a warning that any lifeguard can be fired if attitude or performance are bad. Winston is upset he didn't make the squad and wonders how he'll be able to pay rent. He walks off dismayed. The team gets their first day assignments. Jessica gets paired with Ryan while Liz and Wendy get put on dog pooper scooper duty. HAHA.

While on patrol, Liz and Wendy run into the snobby South Beach squad. They mock the girls until a hot dog stand worker tells SBS to knock it off. Hot dog guy ends up being Winston. A food fight ensues between W&W and the SBS while Liz tries to break it up. A whistle blows- it's Ryan, Jess, the police captain and the hot dog stand owner. This is trouble. Ryan chastizes Liz for being unable to keep Wendy under control. Now he's just being a jerk. Nina gives Liz a hard time too and Liz tells her how annoying she's being. Nina says Liz always excels but now she's just screwing up and asks why. Liz suddenly realizes that even though Ryan has attitude, she is so attracted to him and that's why she's messing up. This is the most preposterous part of the book and I can't take it. I think I need to go puke.

Winston is at the house unemployed and cleaning up when PP calls. He wants to take Wendy out for coffee but Winston tells PP that PP has to take her out to dinner and dancing instead. PP concedes. Wendy gets home and Winston tells her PP called about her date. She laments about missing a lifeguard BBQ that night so she and the squad convince Winston to go to the BBQ in her place.

At the bonfire, Paul and Nina flirt and they end up sharing a kiss. Cheater #1! Ben helps Jess fight off an unwelcome suitor by pretending to be her boyfriend. What a boring party. Luckily, Wendy and PP's date is better. He actually seems into her. He even kisses her before they make it to dinner, and a real kiss too. Wendy's a lucky girl. At the bonfire, the police captain (who is a little pervy, stalking all these young college kids) asks Liz to get more kerosene from the lifeguard station. Ryan is out of town so she agrees to go. Meanwhile, Rachel goes after Jess about Ben again so Jess storms off to find Ryan. At the station, Liz can't find the kerosene and Ryan comes out of the shower, startling her. He points out where is is but she's just checking out his hot, wet, almost naked body...which she sees every day on the beach without drooling. But instead, here they kiss. Cheater #2! At Wendy and PP's date, all is going well. Then he lets it slip that Winston kind of pushed him into asking her out but he's so glad because Wendy is beautiful and he's falling for her but Wendy has heard enough and she freaks out and heads home, presumably to kick Winston's ass. Jessica catches Ryan and Liz kissing, screams and runs home. Ryan and Liz agree to pretend the kiss never happened but Liz is in luv. She chases after Jess to set things right but Jess reaches Ben first. He confronts her about the passion between them and she says she'll never give up trying to get Ryan. Ben rightly calls her an idiot.

Back at the house, Ben is mad at both twins, Jess and Liz fight, W&W fight, the dog goes crazy and the house is in shambles. Nina comes home, calms them all down and makes them all agree at the very least to work together in peace. Then the toilet explodes. This will be a fun summer.

Sweet Valley COmic

Mon, 12 May 2008 17:42:45 GMT

I had a brilliant idea. i want to make a sweet valley comic (kinf of like the re-release of the Babysitters club book#1 in graphic novel format).

If only i could draw. But the twins could be the superheros and they could have all these powers. Like, elizabeths Laviere of Truth to tell her when Jess is in trouble, and thier Pacific Ocean blue-green eyes with the power to like hypnotize people and make them do stuff. And of course, Bruce has the 1Bruce1 car that is like a supercar with superspeed, and Tood with his almighty Toddpunch!!! kind of like the POW! in the bubble bursty-thing.

i tried drawing some sketches yesterday, but jessica lookes decidedly cross eyed and i just really suck at drawing. Any other ideas for superpowers??? who is a good drawer and can draw some pics? i'm good at copying other peoples drawings....so if i just had something to rip off....

Ah, the twins. helping the world one mousy-brown haired fatso at a time...

Temporary Handicaps

Mon, 12 May 2008 13:32:11 GMT

I was thinking about this last night as I was falling asleep (I know, I need a life): Can you guys think of a time when a character in Sweet Valley was handicapped and stayed that way?

For example, we have poor heroically deaf Regina who goes to magic Switzerland and gets her hearing restored. Or Mike McAllery who is paralyzed and then magically not. Same with Enid when she's in the plane crash. And Ken Matthews is blind for one book and then he gets his sight back at the end.

What gives? Does Sweet Valley have healing properties? Should I go to the nearest hospital and round up the deaf/blind/paralyzed people to cure them?