Sweet Valley Twins #88: Steven Gets Even
Sweet Valley Twins #88: Steven Gets Even



I did a pool in my LJ about which book I should recap next. This one won, but I misrepresented it. I thought it was Halloween themed but it's not really. I think this book should go down in history as the one time the ghostwriters didn't reuse a holiday when they could've.

Is that Steven looking like an idiot all rolled up in toilet paper? The twins are probably thinking “Wow, way to get even. You sure got us, Steven.”


The book opens with the twins in Mr. Bowman's class talking about Frankenstein. The teacher asks the class what Frankenstein looks like, and the sixth grade boys all jump and describe the Boris Karloff version of Frankenstein's monster. Only Elizabeth raises her hand and says that Frankenstein wasn't a monster at all, but the fellow who created the monster. Bowman announces that they are going to study “scary books” (Seriously?) and the first they're reading is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Brian, a boy, comments that if a girl wrote it, it must not be any good.

Don't make me come over there, Brain. Just because the (I'm assuming) women who write your lines don't write well, doesn't mean that no woman can.

Mr. Bowman tells the class the story of how Mary Shelley came to write Frankenstein as if it were a ghost story (with creepy voice). Basically, a bunch of writers decided to write ghost stories and Mary Shelley had a dream. Oooh, scary. For some reason this gives Liz the shivers. She thinks she hears a clap of thunder. Dear Liz, get your hearing checked. Love, me.

The class must all read a “scary” story written more than 20 years ago and report on it for the class. They're still doing book reports in sixth grade? For reals? (Also, Mr. Bowman is going to read to them from Frankenstein. Middle school is not story time! Someone should inform him.) Jessica insists anything written more than 20 years ago won't be as scary as the slasher movies on TV. Whatever. Some of these Sweet Valley books are 20 years old now and nothing is scarier. Anyway, Jessica thinks the kids are too mature to be frightened by old stuff.

At dinner that night, the Wakefields suggest Jessica read something by Edgar Allan Poe for her stupid book report. Steven makes fun of her. She says her book report is going to be nine words long: “My brother's face is a lot scarier than this.” I bet she could turn that in and get an A too; Sweet Valley standards are low. Jessica vows not to be frightened by anything she reads or Steven does.

At school, Amy, Maria and Liz talk about what scary stories they are going to pick. Amy is going to read "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and Maria is going with the old standard, Frankenstein. Mr. Bowman suggests Liz read The Hound of the Baskervilles because she likes to think she's a detective. I hate this assignment. I don't think it's fair that some people could pick a short story while others read a full novel. And I wouldn't classify Hound of the Baskervilles as a horror story; it's a mystery. Anyway, when the Unicorns come in, Liz sees some of the boys whispering and motioning at Jessica. She wonders what they could be up to. Liz, you would never make it as Sherlock Holmes.

Mr. Bowman reads from Dracula at story time. Jessica finds herself scared, but not as scared as Lila, who screamed. Lies! I don't believe that for a second. Lila wouldn't even listen to the story, she'd start doodling and thinking about what she's going to buy that weekend. After class, the girls all go to the bathroom together. Because they're afraid of being attacked by vampires? I know Sweet Valley is a world where werewolves and pyschos routinely pop up, but what self-respecting vampires lay in wait for girls in a middle school bathroom?

They encounter Janet, Queen of the Unicorns, when they go to the bathroom. Apparently it is out of order and they need to go to another floor. Wow, this is one exciting trip to the loo, isn't it?

Anyway, when they're in the potty, Jessica sees an “inhuman” hand reach through the door and turn off the lights. The girls scream. Jessica also hears the sound of glass breaking. They all flip out. The girls hustle out of the bathroom only to be accosted by Janet, who no doubt wants to know what they are doing, shaming the good Unicorn name by being afraid of the bathroom. Four boys, Brian, Charlie, Bruce and Aaron are then seen standing around and laughing. Charlie was the one who reached in and turned off the lights, and they ha a tape recording of glass breaking. Aaron makes fun of Jessica. You're going to end up a dead former boyfriend if you keep that up, Aaron.

As you might imagine, Jessica then decides the girls need to get revenge on the boys. It seems everyone knows about their potty incident now. Even Steven, who is in high school, makes fun of them for it. Who can blame him? I gotta say, I don't have an older brother but I sort of imagine he'd be kicked out of the older brother club if he didn't make fun of the twins for this. It's comedy gold.

In a scene that is very short but I love, Ned hears the word “revenge” and comes over. He wants to make sure they're not plotting revenge on Steven. He says (and I quote), “I know he's annoying but we'd kinda like to keep him,” like they were going to ax murder him. But then the twins say, no, no, they're planning revenge on other boys. So Ned is like, “Oh, okay. Let me know if you need my help.” Apparently offing other people's children is fine with Ned. That's not his problem!

While this is happening, the twins are getting dinner ready. Of course there is a very large knife involved. And of course Steven pretends he cut off his finger, freaking out Ned and the girls. It gives Jessica an idea.

On Thursday, at school, Jessica sits next to Charlie and tries to put the moves on him. He's not having it, so he tries to sit somewhere else, but Liz and Maria block him in. Mr. Bowman starts class. Today for story time he is reading from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. (For the love of God, teachers stopped reading to me when I was in elementary school!) When the teacher gets to a “scary” part, Jessica offers Charlie some candy. (I guess they're just allowed to talk and eat in class too.) When Charlie reaches to take some candy, he screams. Jessica had cut a hole in the box and put her finger in it, so he thought there was a severed finger in there.

Wow, these pranks are lame. Next there's going to be rubber vomit. They could at least push someone in the pool.

Liz, because she's stupid, thinks they won't be hearing from the boys anymore. She promptly finds a hanged Barbie in her locker. There's fake blood all over it. This creeps Liz out. Ridiculous! A) Barbie's don't bleed anything but my tears, and B) Even if they did, there isn't usually much blood involved in hanging, unless the boys did it wrong. There is a note that says “The scare war is on!” also in the locker.

Lila also found a note. The girls discuss it at the Unicorner at lunch. Janet comes up. She got a note too and she's pissed. She yells at Jessica for good measure then says the boys need to be taught a lesson. Janet is like four steps behind everyone else.

Liz, Amy, and Maria bake brownies that afternoon. The Unicorns are up in Jessica's room, plotting their revenge. Liz suggests they join forces for the scare war. She pretends to have lots of ideas, when in reality she's pretty bad at this sneaky stuff. The girls come up with some theories, then decide to use Steven Wakefield as their guinea pig over the weekend, and use the pranks that scare Steven on the boys. That's too much effort. Just get out the fake vomit already!

Liz reads the first few chapters Hound and gives herself nightmares. Oh, come on, Liz. It's a bunch of British guys sitting around in a room talking.

Steven wakes up on Saturday morning and begins to think up more stupid pranks to play on his sisters. He feels something moving at the bottom of his bed and screams (as you would). But when the rest of the family comes a-runnin', Liz manages to give away the fact that it's a prank with her crappy, crappy subterfuge. You can't bring her anywhere.

They girls play more pranks on him and rank them on a scale of one to ten. Jessica seems to want to give them all 10s but I give them all 2s, maybe 3s if I'm generous. I'm not going to even recap most of them because your brain cells will suffer and I can't have that on my conscience.

Jessica chooses to read “The Black Cat” by Edgar Allan Poe (a story that takes you all of five minutes to read), and gets frightened by a cat.

At school on Monday, the Unicorns and guests discuss the results of the Wakfields's pranks. The boys put a fake snail in Lila's lunch. Then they try some pranks on Jess, but she sees them coming (apparently she's an expert now). This irritates me and I am about to write Francine Pascal an angry letter about how Lila wouldn't be scared by a snail—she probably eats escargot all the time—when Lila cowboys up. As Mr. Bowman is reading a story about a man who accidentally ate brains (bwah?) that looked like noodles (double bwah?), she dumps spaghetti onto Aaron Dallas's desk. Now even you Lila haters out there have to admit that was the best prank so far. That's what you get for messin' with my Lila.

Jessica announces that boys scare easily than girls. Liz doesn't see fit to mention that she's now taking the long route home to avoid a large dog that barks at her. What a weinus.

The next day, Jessica and Liz decide to have a slumber party on Friday to celebrate their victory over the boys (it's Friday the 13th). At breakfast, Jessica thanks Steven for being so helpful. Steven decides that on Friday, he's going to take his revenge on the girls. Dear lord. It's taken 80 pages for the ghostwriter to tell us that Steven wants to get even, which we knew from the title. I want my life back.

More pranks. Fun fact: Bruce Patman believes in ghosts. (Make your move, Regina!)

Jessica tries to read more Poe stories but they make her nervous. When she tries “The Tell-Tale Heart” she feels her heart racing, and “The Cask of Amontillado” makes her feel trapped.

The Unicorns and guests come over on Friday. Liz has put up a sign on the front door that says, “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.” I'm not going to say this is an inaccurate depiction of the Wakefield house, but why would the twins have read Dante's Inferno if they barely know who Edgar Allan Poe is? This book is making my inner English major twitch. The girls watch scary movies while Steven prepares his prank.

There is lightning (but, oddly, no rain), and the girls tell ghost stories. There is a crack of thunder, and the girls see four figures illuminated outside. Liz—now equipped with mad sleuthing skills from Hound—figures out that it's just the boys by looking at their feet. They decided to get even. Way to steal Steven's plot line!

Liz suggests they paint glow-in-the-dark faces on the dark fabric of their sleeping bags. It'll look like the faces are floating in air, and scare the boys. I think that sounds like a great way to ruin a perfectly good sleeping bag. But of course it works. Steven hears the screaming (he is laying in wait in the basement) and thinks he'll show them what a real pro can do.

Fun Fact: When attacked with sleeping bags, Bruce cries.

The girls gather up their “prisoners” (dirty!) and realize that Charlie is not with the other three. Charlie is dressed like a mummy, so he is the idiot on the cover not Steven. (Sorry, Steven!) He tries to scare Jessica but she's not having it. Liz decides to douse him with the hose instead of push him in the pool. I feel cheated somehow. His toilet paper mummy costume comes apart when it gets wet. (See? No rain.)

The girls mock the boys some, and then say they have to sign a public statement declaring they lost the scare war. Also, the boys have to cluck like chickens and address the girls as “Your Awesomeness” for a week. No, I'm not making this up.

Suddenly the girls hear noises coming from the basement. Immediately, they start acting like babies. Jessica had gone into the kitchen just before the noises started. In a bit that makes me laugh, Liz realizes Jess is right in the path of the “monster” but doesn't leave the living room to rescue her beloved twin; she's too scared. If someone had maybe informed Jessica of this moment when Crazy Margo tried to kill Liz, maybe we could have gotten rid of her Saintliness.

Jessica hides in the pantry, and thinks it's just like “The Cask of Amontillado.” Yes, this story is exactly like “Cask” except without the drunk Europeans wearing jester hats and all that good writing. No wait, it's nothing like “Cask of Amontillado.”

Steven bypasses Jessica and heads into the living room where everyone else is. As he enters, Mandy yells, “It's got a light ray!” which makes me laugh out loud (again). I don't even know what that means but, man, do I love Mandy.

Liz screams and tries to hide. She's a brave one. There's a good two pages of how scared she is. Then Steven starts to laugh and she realizes it's not actually a ghost. No kidding!

The boys and girls bicker about who was more scared. Steven interrupts them and says that they are all cowards. Ha!

Then, the girls make cookies and talk about what they're going to writer their “scary story” papers on, the boys leave, and Ned and Alice return home. The parents are wearing scary masks and freak out all the children. Way to parent, Wakefields!