SVT #114: The Boyfriend Mess
It's just clicked over to Valentine's Day in New Zealand. Ugh.
I do have a Valentine. My friend in Christchurch sent me love via MSN. How thrilling. Thanks, Adam!

Okay, this is the second book in the two-part SVT Valentine's arc.

All the couples go to Dizzy Planet. Sophia and Elizabeth follow. So-called hilarity ensued.

Just kidding.
The longer and sincerely more ridiculous recap is under the cut.





Either Liz or Jess on the front. Liz-style fugly scrunchie, but Jess-style short skirt. I think it's Jess, coz she's looking around trying to escape. Todd's definitely the guy. I guess he was the one with bad hair on the first cover. That's so not the Todd I know. What a ugmo. Maria's over to the side, trying to lean on Patrick and failing. She's done that Princess Diaries leg lift, so it must be true love on her part. Ouch.

Okay, so its starts where the first one left off. I'm not going to explain anything, so you'll have to read the first one. HA HA!

They're about to leave for awesome Dizzy Planet. Woot. Jessica's all moody coz she has to go with Todd. Doesn't mean you have to stay with Todd, woman. In fact, almost everyone's grumpy about their partners, especially Janet. Get over it, guys. Free trip to a theme park? I'd go with anyone. Even Dr Phil. *shudder* Host Byron threatens to cancel the Valentine's Day dance the tv show is throwing for the school, unless everyone leaves in the van, and returns in the van.

Apparently, to Jessica, Valentine's is one of the best days of the year, behind Christmas, New Year's, and the first day of summer vacation. It even beats her birthday? I don't get it. I freaking hate Valentine's. My best Valentine's was my "gay day" in 2006, when I went to see Brokeback Mountain with my single mate Chrissy. It was great. We perved on Jake and Heath (R.I.P. hun) and drank loads of frozen Coke. But I'm digressing.

Jessica's barely tolerating Todd, who's being a sappy nerd. She also sucks at remembering to be Elizabeth. Host Byron Miller makes her girlie bits tingle. He's sooo hot! She plans to ditch Todd and find Byron during the day. Yeah, coz Todd won't notice at all. Byron cracks onto Liz!Jess, and so Jess is stoked, but Todd is jealous. Byron and Todd compete for Liz!Jess's attention, to the extent where they both read from Dizzy Planet books to sound smart and then both end up feeling carsick. Jess is annoyed- her plan was to only get Todd carsick so she could run away with Byron. Foiled!

Elizabeth is super jealous of Jess. It could have been her, if only they hadn't swapped at the TV studio and then fucked everything up by being retarded. Drat.

Donald tries to spell out his name to the organiser, because she jokingly calls him "Donald Nerdling". According to The Don, his name is spelled with a "Z. As in zirconium." Not zebra? Not zoo? You know, easy 'z' words? Bloody nerds.
Aaron says Amy would have been his fifty-third choice as partner. Amy tells Aaron he was her eighty-fifth choice. He gets mad. Don't give it if you can't take it, dork. You friggin' picked her.
Maria's stoked to go with Patrick, she feels really accepted at SVMS now. Then she meets a random guy named Marshall, Byron's "...um, cousin."He's movie obsessed, and recognises Maria from her B-grade films. Wow! Maria thinks this could be the best day of her entire life. For her sake, I hope not. That's a pretty poor life. I imagine the birth of her children, or her wedding day or something might be slightly cooler.

Sophia and Elizabeth both discover that the show is trying to catch "the cheaters". Since Sophia and Elizabeth both fit that description, they decide (separately) to sneak into the park and inform Jess and Patrick, respectively, of the problem. Neither can afford the entry fee (it's more than TWENTY dollars!), so Elizabeth bumps into Byron and pretends to be Jess pretending to be Liz (I'm dizzy) and gets in before losing Byron in a crowd. Sophia sneaks in by tagging along behind a kid's daycare thing and pretending to be a counsellor. She holds some boogery kid's hand then promptly ditches the kid once they're in the park. I hope she at least left the kid with a real counsellor. Little tart.

Donald challenges Janet to a video game competition. Aaron challenges Amy. War is declared. Fatalities occur... I hope.

Maria's getting hot for Marshall. He asked her to go on the Ferris Wheel with him. And the Merry-Go-Round. How romantic. This is such bull. I had a boyfriend at 12, we barely kissed. Hanging out with him alone was awkward. But we really liked each other, and for Christmas he got a me a gold bracelet that came free with his mum's Reader's Digest. That ended that relationship pretty quickly. You don't have to spend much boys, but don't pretend it's real gold when it's plastic!

Todd's trying to win Liz!Jess a teddy bear on the bowling game, but he completely sucks at it. It's not coz he's useless though! Ohhh no. It's because the balls aren't completely round. Well, neither are yours, Todd. He's getting frustrated, Jess is getting bored, and Toddy's insisting he usually gets ten strikes in a row. Lies. He probably just gets frustrated and punches the pins until they fall over.

Elizabeth finds Jess and takes her place as RealElizabeth. Yay!

RealJess finds Byron and starts cracking onto him, even though he's, like, sixteen, and a good 4 years older than her. At least he's not an adult. But she has to keep him away from Liz and Todd so neither boy sees that both twins are at the park. Slapstick unhilarity ensues, and Jessica makes a complete dick out of herself in the name of distraction, pretending to faint on the Martian Canals ride so Byron looks at her and not Liz and Todd two boats behind them. Theeen, she screams that the crocodile's got her, and falls into the two-feet deep river. Loser.

Side-note: Byron sounds like an obnoxious ass. He thinks he knows everything about special effects and junk. That's why you don't date two-bit TV stars, Jessica. Learn your lesson.

Elizabeth is completely distractible and can't remember anything from earlier (coz she wasn't there), so Todd gets hurt and thinks she's bored with him. He ditches her and she cries. Shocking.

Sophia explains the situation to Patrick. Turns out Marshall is the spy! How do they know? Because he's suspicious! And stealthy. So Sophia tells Patrick to be careful, so he decides to pretend to be really into Maria. That's not sensible, that's mean. Sophia continues to stalk Patrick, Maria and Marshall, but is hurt when Patrick decares his undying love (loudly) on the Martian Canals ride. Heh. I'll ride your canals, baby. Maria's pissed that Patrick could be such a jerk and declare his love while Sophia was in the boat behind them. He explains the truth- that he picked her by accident, and that Marshall's a spy, and Maria runs away in tears, yelling at Marshall as she passes. Maria hates Sweet Valley! Why did she ever move here!?

Sophia heads for the bus stop, and the runny-nosed kid from earlier finds her again. Sophia ditches her again. Remind me never to get bitch to baby-sit for my kids.

Turns out the couples who hated each other at the start (JanetDonald and AmyAaron, who I'm going to call Janald and Amon, because that's the cool thing to do with couples now) are getting along really well. How ironic. Janet even invited Donald over! Hey, ghostwriter, get real. There are LIMITS.

End of the day, and everyone's in the van except for Maria (and Liz and Sophia, they've caught the bus, and helped each other realise how foolish they were). If Maria doesn't catch the van, the Valentine's dance is not happening! Oh Maria! Don't betray your countrymen! Donald convinces the organiser to give Maria an extra 10 minutes, and Amy goes to find her. Maria's all huffy about how everyone in SV is a selfish jerk, so Amy's like "oi, get your stubborn ass on that freaking van, bitch or I'll poison your milk on Monday. You're the selfish jerk if you ruin this dance for everyone." Maria sees this truth and gets in the van just in time. I bet Amy would have really poisoned her milk. She actually threatens it in the book. Fiendish. I like it. Some girls just can't hold their arsenic.

Jess blows her cover, when Byron tricks her into saying her real name. Byron doesn't care though. Turns out it doesn't matter which twin came on the trip. They're interchangeable clones. How handy.

Valentine's Dance! Turns out the people "catching the cheaters" were only catching them on film for Byron's new TV show on how crap dating is. It's called Dating, It's the Pits!
Sub par, dude. Sub par.
He makes a corny speech and Liz and Sophia don't get in trouble for cheating, and everyone ends up happy Best Valentine's Day ever, apparently. Like they have many to compare it to.

Oh, and Marshall's not a spy. He's Byron's nephew. Byron's sister is 20 years older than him (maybe he's an accident?), and Marshall's her son (Marshall's about 12 or 13). But it sounds dumb when Marshall says he's Byron's nephew, so they just say cousin. But Marshall looooves that they all thought he was a spy. How cool is that!?
Answer: Not very.

And to end, pink fog, pink balloons, white streamers and red paper hearts rain down on the children below. Awwwwww.
*vomit*