Entry tags:

billie the girl, bruce patman, enid "alex" rollins, mike mcallery, oh hi steven, recapper: strangerface, svu, tom watts, trusty boyfriend todd, winston egbert

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m totally bored at my parents’ house this weekend, voraciously reading Sweet Valley novels to pass the time. This is the first of the SVU (isn’t it odd how that means Special Victims Unit to some people?) novels. I was so excited when it came out. I was convinced this was what college was going to be like. What a loser I was.

This one was really hard to recap because there are more characters (a lot of them new) and a lot of exposition in this book. Also, SVU was full of all kinds of drama. In this book alone there are no fewer than two psychos. In fact you could argue there were more than two! There is sex! Attempted rape! Racism! Parties! Very little going to class! It’s everything actual college isn’t!

Our friends from SVH, Elizabeth, Jessica, Todd, “Enid,” and Winston are all going to Sweet Valley University! There's no mention is made if this is a “good” school or not. I wonder how Jessica snuck in with her class-skipping and test-cheating ways if that is the case? Not that academics ever matter in Sweet Valley.

The girls discuss sororities with Alice Wakefield. She was in Theta Alpha Theta. Enid surprises Liz by announcing she wants to pledge a sorority and change her “image.” Also, her name. She’s now going to be called “Alexandra,” her middle name. Liz is very unhappy about it because she doesn’t like change. Even as a child I thought this was self-centered of Liz. Enid’s had a shitty name her entire life; be happy she has a chance to escape!

The twins move into Dickenson Hall with the help of a good-natured Steven Wakefield. Jess leaves soon thereafter, sticking Liz with the set up work. She calls “Enid” to complain but Alexandra says she doesn’t want to hear her bitch about Jessica anymore! Awesome! Who can blame her? Liz actually thinks, during this sequence: It wasn’t as if Elizabeth was the annoying member of the Wakefield family. She was the Wakefield twin everybody loved. There are no words for how not cute that is. Shut up, Liz.

Winston, meanwhile, is having his own problems. See, it turns out he’s living in Oakley Hall but he couldn’t find it. Seems the crack staff at housing think his name is not Winston but Winnie and he’s been put in an all-female dorm. Poor Winnie, he gets no respect. Throughout the book, little snippets of Winston’s life in the girl’s dorm are interspersed (intending to be comedic relief, I believe) but I tend to feel more empathy for Winston than Jessica and Liz. I mean, who wants to live with 200 girls? Not me and I’m a girl.

Jessica has made a new friend. Her name is Isabella Ricci. She’s kind of Lila-lite, as Lila is away. Isabella introduces her to the president of the Sigma fraternity, Peter Wilbourne III, who is Bruce-lite. He asks Jess out, but she turns him down in favor of another guy, Danny Wyatt. There are two things to know about Danny. (1) He is black and (2) Peter doesn’t like him (possibly because he’s black).

Liz spends the night alone in her room crying. Both Alex/Enid and Todd are doing other things. She doesn’t like it when people do things that don’t involve her!

Jessica and Liz fight about how messy Jessica is. I don’t like living with messy people but Liz yells at her like she’s her mother not a 18 year-old girl. It's weird. So when Isabella offers to let Jessica live with her, she jumps at the chance to get away from her crazy sister. Elizabeth arrives back at the room from registration to find her sister moving out. Surprise! There are more tears.

After her pity-party, Liz decides Enid will definitely want to live with her! But when she asks, Alexandra says no. I can’t blame her for this either. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere near Liz. Both her and Jessica sound like horrible roommates.

Liz and Jessica get into another fight at the Pi Beta Phi sorority house. They’re the “activist” sorority and Liz thinks they’re great. Jessica hates them, because she hates anyone who wants to save those damn whales. She drives away angrily and gets into a car accident. She rear-ends a handsome guy with a red Corvette. He’s a jerk to her, but she’s in love! He gets her phone number for insurance purposes but she’s excited for non-insurance purposes.

Winston is at the Sigma house for a rush party. He wants to join. Bruce Patman is a Sigma and they hang out. What!?! Bruce is being nice to Winston? My world is all askew.

Jessica dances with Danny at the Sigma party, but she’s thinking about the Corvette guy. Nice. Danny is sweet to her and tries to talk her out of being so combative with Liz all the time. It is in this scene that we are introduced to another new character, Danny’s roommate and friend, Tom Watts. Danny and Peter (the jerk from before) get in a fight. Tom steps in on Danny’s behalf, as Danny is not a fighter.

Later, Liz confronts Peter and tells him he’s an asshole. This is the only scene in the book when Liz does anything remotely interesting. After this incident, Sigma brothers start harassing Liz because she's a "traitor" or whatever for sticking up for black people. In fact, she was sticking up for her sister but those racists don't like to see reason. Tom Watts is impressed by how she handles Peter and the Sigmas. He notes how beautiful she is. The reading audience begins to think just how similar a name “Tom” is to “Todd”….

The aforementioned Todd is busy off being a dick. He got special registration privileges because he’s an athlete; he’s joining the cult-y jock fraternity, and he keeps blowing Liz off. To drive the point home that we’re not supposed to like him anymore, Todd tries to get Liz to sleep with him. She rebuffs him, because she is Not. Ready. Yet.

Liz wants to talk to Enid/Alex about all her problems. But Enid/Alex is actually having fun at college. She met a boy, Mark and she’s all in love or whatever. When Liz discovers Enid/Alex stayed the night at Mark’s, she freaks out. Enid/Alex says they didn’t have sex but it’s none of Liz’s business anyway and stops off. The “none of your business” line would’ve made more sense if Enid/Alex hadn’t spent the last two pages telling Liz all her business.

Tom is ironing and thinking about Liz. A college guy that irons? He and Liz are soulmates.

Jessica gets back from class and finds the Corvette guy in her dorm. Breaking and entering! So romantic! He hits on her this time instead of just yelling so she gets a name out of him: Mike McAllery. Isabella has all kinds of charming stories about Mike. He drinks; he sleeps around, etc. Jessica, always thickheaded, decides these are just rumors and Isabella doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Liz returns from a bad day of being ditched by Todd and harassed by Sigmas to discover she has a new roomie! It’s a girl named Celine Boudreaux, who smokes and wears a lot of makeup so we know she’s going to be a bitch.

Celine is from Louisiana and talks about her granny all the time. It’s very odd. (Because Celine is named Celine, has a funny accent and is crazy I can’t help picturing her as college-age Celine Dion.) But she hates Liz and Liz hates her. To get Liz’s goat, Celine hits on Todd, whom she recognizes from Liz’s photographs. Todd is not unreceptive to her advances.

Some psychic has predicted there will be a murder at Sweet Valley University on Halloween. This tale is repeated several times so people with short attention spans don’t forget.

Sigma guys harass Liz some more at the library but Tom stops them. Isn’t Tom just a prince compared to that skanky Todd?

Tom has a backstory that is not totally explained. He used to be a big star of the football team and a jock (like Todd). But then he was in an accident and he started living his life differently. He’s a reporter at the TV station, doesn’t play football and studies a lot. His friend, Danny, also has a backstory. His brother, Thad, was a “fighter” (which I take to mean gangbanger, but I might be misinterpreting that) and he got stabbed in a fight over a parking space. His brother is in a wheelchair now. That is why Danny refuses to fight with Peter and the Sigmas; he doesn’t like fighting. I think there’s a difference between not getting in fights with guys over parking spots and not smacking a guy who says something like “You yellow as well as black?” (I thought people only called others ‘yellow’ in westerns and Back to the Future.)

There is a scene in which Celine brings a guy back to the dorm while Liz is sleeping. Tearfully she leaves but realizes she has no where to go. She can’t go to Todd’s because they’re fighting, or Jessica because she thinks Isabella will laugh at her (what?) or Enid’s because “Enid doesn’t exist anymore” just Alexandra (way to be over dramatic). Instead Liz decides to head to her brother Steven’s. Steve and his girlfriend, Billie, regale Liz with roommate horror stories Then Steven drives Liz back to the dorm. I can’t figure out a purpose of this visit except to remind us Steven exists.

Elizabeth contemplates the fact that Todd hasn’t asked her to the Halloween dance yet when she studies at the library. There is a man watching her, and Liz notes she’s seen him around before. Dun dun dun! We later learn this man is named William White and he knows Celine but doesn’t like her. She, however, wants him and is pissed he seems to be stalking“interested in” Elizabeth. That girl is a magnet for psychopath/stalkers/killers. She should be studied.

Jessica is sick of hearing about this supposed psychopath. Probably because she’s survived so many psychopaths in the past, it’s very ho-hum for her.

Liz and Todd have a date. When she shows up at his room, they fight. Celine has put the idea in his head that Liz has not been paying enough attention to him (even though he’s the one who keeps blowing her off). Liz thinks it’s all about her not sleeping with him. Finally, Todd tells her it’s not working and they break up. Obviously, Liz cries. What else would she do?

Jessica goes to the Halloween dance dressed as Penelope from The Odyssey. She is comparing her devoted love for Mike to Penelope’s to Odysseus. That’s a bit much even for Jessica, I think. Steven calls (good thing we remember him) to tell Jessica to stay away from Mike. That’s two people she cares about now who have said as much. Jessica doesn't listen and is all “how dare you!” and “I SAID GOOD DAY!”

Tom is doing a story on the psychopath rumors. The rumors all mention that it will be a “blonde” who is killed, but that the psychic didn’t predict that. Someone else has added this bit. Tom, for some reason, thinks Elizabeth is going to be killed, even though I’m sure she’s not the only blonde on campus. In fact I can think of at least one other blonde who looks just like her. But perhaps Tom, with his reporter honed-instincts, has picked up on her psychopath magnetism?

Elizabeth volunteers at the TV station and is assigned to work with another student. It’s Tom. Don’t bother pretending to be surprised. They get along, duh, and finally Liz has a friend.

This makes Liz happy again so she decides to go to the Halloween dance. I haven’t mentioned this but in every scene Liz is in, she’s eating something. Cookies, potato chips, you name it. She even got an extra plate of breakfast “for Todd” one morning but ate it all before he got there. She has her mother send her costume from last year but it doesn’t fit! She looks in the mirror and thinks she’s not longer a “perfect size six” but possibly a ten! The horror! A ten! What a fat ass! How does she fit through the doors? She’ll need to be lifted out on a crane like on Jerry Springer!

Tom thinks the racist Sigmas started the rumor and are out to get Liz. So he starts shadowing her to protect her. Unfortunately for him he’s forgotten Liz has a twin and people might confuse them.

Speaking of the Sigmas, they are making the pledges go to the dance as women film stars. Winston drew Shirley Temple and I’m kind of surprised she’s high on the Sigmas’ list of favorite film stars. Of course his dorm mates have a grand ol’ time doing his makeup and hair. He is embarrassed because he now has a crush on one of the girls, Denise Waters. She awesomely jokes that she’ll have to stand guard over him all night in case he’s the blonde who is murdered. Yes! Protect Winston above all others!

Jessica is fretting about Mike some more (dull) when Lila Fowler calls! Lila! Rescue us from this dullness! Lila is in Italy still. She has news. She got married. To a count. Awesome. Jessica is jealous of Lila’s marriage, thinking she’s a “real woman” now or somesuch. She wants to be married too (Anvil alert!). Really there are a lot of reasons to be jealous of Lila and that’s just not one of them.

Jessica goes to the dance with a Sigma named Geoff, who’s a real peach. He tries to get her to have sex with him and when she says no, he gets rough. Danny steps in and helps her. Other Sigmas come and support Geoff and they punch Danny and make like they’re going to beat him up. But then Danny starts fighting back. When Tom comes upon them he is surprised to see Danny fighting. This scene should have been more exciting than it was. Yawn. I really wanted Danny and Tom to kick their racist asses but of course they don’t. Danny just sort of shows them he’s not going to take it and they puss out.

Jess, like a big fat moron, doesn’t stop to thank Danny she just runs off into the night alone. She is attacked again by someone who thinks she’s Elizabeth (either William or Peter, it’s not revealed in this book and I don’t remember). Great plan, college girl. She is rescued by Mike McAllery and thinks it’s “destiny.” Sure it’s destiny when the guy you like saves you but when the other guy saves you, you don’t say anything.

And that’s the end. ...For reals?