Part six SVH #36 – Rumours

 

The Bridgwater Ball is coming up and Lila doesn’t have a date. This is a source of shame for her, as very few people from SVH will go. So it’s badder than usual, or something. Susan Stewart will be going with her boyfriend Gordon Stoddard, because his family are big mucky-mucks. Lila seems hugely offended by this – Susan doesn’t even know who her real mother is! It’s impossible to know an animal without knowing its breeding!

Winston makes up a poor person’s cotillion and waltzes around the cafeteria with Ken Matthews.  Sometimes Winston is genuinely funny.

 

Jessica thinks Alice is pregnant. Guess what:  she isn’t! Evidence: Alice has been to the doctor, and wants pistachio ice-cream. And some vague thing about English muffins coming in packs of six and it being easier for families with four kids because they don’t have to fight over who gets the last muffin. They rummage through her room and find some newly-purchased baby clothes.

Filmmaker Jackson Croft will be coming to Sweet Valley to film his new film. There is an open casting call for extras the next day. Yes, the twins are going.

 

It’s going around school that Susan Stewart’s real mother is in a home for the criminally insane. I wonder who started that rumour? Nobody talks to Susan, because this is the Victorian age, and like mother, like daughter. You can never be too careful.

Lila has dinner with her father at the club, and overheard the Stoddards talking about how they were so shocked about Susan and you can never tell the bad ones. They also think she was trying to trap Gordon into a relationship (using her… madness … skills?) and that they’ve made him break it off and she is CERTAINLY NOT going to the Bridgwater Ball with him.

Of course, Lila dislikes Gordon from now on, but she does have family obligations and the Fowlers and Bridgwaters have been friends for years, so maybe she’ll go to the Bridgwater Ball with him.

 

Thankfully Allan Waters likes Susan too, so they’re going out somewhere else that night. In the land of Sweet Valley, rich men are scum and nerds are lovely. Rich nerds won’t exist until sweet valley heights.

 

Casting Call. Elizabeth wants to get an interview with Jackson Croft about his work with Students Against Drunk Driving, because his son was killed by a drunk driver. He says she can right away! They begin, and who should come along, but Susan. And she’s Jackson Croft’s daughter. Which means she has a dead half-brother. But let’s not focus on that.

And it all comes out. Susan’s real mother is Helen, the woman she lives with. Helen got pregnant after Jackson had left and didn’t tell him. She said she’d adopted Susan or some such nonsense because she didn’t want Susan to have the stigma of having an unmarried mother. Because Sweet Valley really is in the Victorian era.  So she made up some story about Susan’s mother being elsewhere, which probably seriously fucked her up.

Also, Alice isn’t pregnant.

Gordon tries to get back with Susan. Susan tells Lila, who dumps her drink over his head. Jessica says: “And that, dear diary, is the classiest thing I have ever seen her do”. Applause all round!

 

Part six SVH #37 Leaving Home

 

This is the one where Elizabeth becomes obsessed with a Swiss boarding school. You know what would make sense in a book called “Jessica’s Secret Diary”? Focusing on books that are about Jessica.

 

Jessica uses binoculars a nerd let her borrow to look at men on the beach. Heh. Meanwhile, Elizabeth reads brochures about Switzerland, brought on by Regina having an operation in Switzerland. Jessica says: “she’s so brave and so sweet and she’s been through so much”. She’s deaf, Jessica. Not dying. YET!

 

Elizabeth might be able to apply for some scholarship to go to Switzerland School.

Meanwhile, Winston wins the lottery. At his lottery draw party. No, seriously. There’s a big party and then everyone crowds around the tv to watch the draw.

 

Elizabeth will be applying for the Margaret Sterne scholarship. She was a young girl who died prematurely of a terminal illness. Not cocaine. Applicants must be between fifteen and seventeen, from California, have a perfect size six figure, show a commitment to scholarship and academic excellence, as well as having courage, persistence, dedication and an involvement in community affairs. Excuse me whilst I yak. Yes, the scholarship was practically tailor-made for Elizabeth.

 

So obviously Jessica has to sabotage it.

 

And, in actually interesting subplots, Jessica is mistaken for Elizabeth at the beach disco by Jeffrey, who is pretty bummed out about the whole Switzerland thing. Instead of doing the right thing, Jessica takes advantage of this to find out what Jeffrey feels about Liz’s jaunt to Switzerland. Unsurprisingly, he is sad, and more interestingly, thinks Liz doesn’t care about his opinion. Which she shouldn’t really. Sure, this whole going off to a Swiss boarding school like this is an Enid Blyton novel is completely ridiculous, but what her boyfriend thinks shouldn’t really be a deciding factor. Or this will end up like Saved By The Bell, when Kelly got a chance to model in Paris and Zack convinced her not to go, because what about them? Zack was such a douche.

Jeffrey thinks the application has turned Liz a little crazy. Which is true. Apparently she spent the afternoon coaching Jeffrey about the correct things to say to the interviewer. I didn’t realise boyfriend suitability was a factor in scholarships. There I was, thinking it was things like accomplishments and academic progress.

Jess thinks she would never treat a boyfriend that, especially one with “little golden hairs on the backs of his hands.” Jess is missing the bigger picture here. Sure, she loses her twin, but she can gain Jeffrey! They can hang out together, all “We miss Elizabeth”, and then she can pounce on him. Especially as Jess is deeply in love with Jeffrey. Swear, it’s true! “I want Jeffrey to look at me the way he looks at her. I want him to touch me the way he touches her [sparingly, and never in private?]. And I couldn’t help pretending tonight, for just a minute, that he was in love with me, and not her.”

 Jess fudges an answer about how not even a Swiss boarding school could take the place of Jeffrey in her heart, despite having my idea of crushing him by saying it is and then “help[ing] him mend his broken heart.” Jess starts crying and begs Jeffrey not to mention their conversation again. She runs away and drives home, crying all the way. She manages not to get into an accident.

I wonder what happened when Elizabeth walked back into the same room as Jeffrey and she wasn’t crying?

 

Jessica and Steven scheme to make Elizabeth stay in Sweet Valley. I’m not sure why Steven cares, seeing as he lives at university. They’re infuriated by their parents’ half-assed “you’re old enough to decide” parenting. They plan to ruin her home interview by being “lacking in moral fibre”. No change for Jessica then!

The night before the interview. Elizabeth asks Jess to wear her navy-blue skirt and flowered shirt with white collar. Jess wants to wear her black leather miniskirt and glittery bandeau top. Mr Sterne will be arriving at 4pm tomorrow. But oh noes! In another example of Ned’s stupidity, he completely forgot Sterne was arriving at 4 and won’t be back until 6. “He’ll think we’re a broken home!” Elizabeth exclaims. There is no place for single parent families at the Interlochen school! And parents never need to work late either.

 

Jess overhears Elizabeth telling her mother she thinks Jeffrey is cheating on her with Enid. Oh please, we all know Enid’s asexual! Best turn your head around, Liz. Treachery is coming from another direction.

 

The day of the interview: “You should have seen Elizabeth’s face tonight. If I weren’t so sure I’m doing what’s best for her (and me), I would almost feel guilty.”

Mr Sterne arrives – Liz introduces him to Steven. Steven announces that Alice will be a little late, and dad – well, you know dad. He goes on to say they have a loose concept of time in this house, and “what’s an hour when it’s sunny outside?” Elizabeth is appalled, and says it’s completely untrue and everyone in her house is punctual to a ridiculous extent. If you’re not back by 11pm, you’re locked out! Steven also confuses Switzerland with Austria.

Their plan concludes with Jessica wearing her aforementioned entirely inappropriate outfit, along with an inch of make-up. Ned comes back late and asks whose motorbike is in the front yard. Mr Sterne runs away. God, what a wuss.

 

Liz is predictably outraged.

 

Thankfully there’s another interview, this one at school the next day, so Jessica can ruin that one in a far more entertaining style. Let’s watch.

 

Her plan begins, as all twin switch plans do, by dressing as Elizabeth, in a navy blazer, white blouse and a grey pleated skirt. She is essentially in school uniform. You know this one’s going to be good, because they’ve got outsiders involved. There is no mention of payment.

As Liz goes to third period, Mr Sterne heads to the staff room to collect character references. Jess springs into action. She runs after him, saying she forgot to mention something.: “Have I mentioned- at all – how very important I think men are?” She squeezes his arm. She says she plans to marry a rich Swiss banker, because writers need independent means of support. Randy comes along (nerd Randy from SVT? Did puberty change him for the better?) and kisses “Liz”. She introduces Mr Sterne as her “friend”. Mr Sterne is appalled! Physically touching a man? This is not what the Sterne scholarship represents! Tom McKay enters, and “Liz” asks Randy to escort Mr Sterne to the staff room, because she needs to ask Tom if he’s still going to the beach disco. Discos and men? How appalling! Margaret Sterne never lived her life like this! Maybe she should have. Maybe then she wouldn’t have died of a terminal illness on top of a mountain.

 

Along comes Jeffrey, certainly not part of the plan. He confuses Jess for Liz, yet again. He asks her what’s going on, and why he’s barely seen her. “Liz” apologises, and says she’ll make it up to him tonight. No, that won’t happen for a few years yet.

Jess catches up with Mr Sterne again, and asks to get to know him under less formal circumstances. He says he has just interviewed Mr Collins, and has never heard such a glowing review of a pupil. Sometimes I think there’s more to Liz and Mr Collins’ relationship than teacher/pupil. So does Jessica – she announces she’s been in love with him since the moment she saw him. Mr Sterne rebukes her for her inappropriate comments. Jess: “Love does not recognise the word ‘inappropriate’. I would have thought you’d understand that – being European and all.” Jess tops it all off by asking what Margaret Sterne died of.

 

Truly, this was a beautiful moment.

 

For Elizabeth’s final interview (certainly thorough, aren’t they?) Steven calls halfway through, pretending to be a boyfriend that needs to speak to her immediately, so they won’t think Liz “has a shred of decency”. I hadn’t realised chastity was a requirement of the Margaret Sterne scholarship.

 

Elizabeth is told her behaviour is completely unacceptable, and sees Jess leaving school dressed as her. As a potential recipient of the Margaret Sterne scholarship, Elizabeth is smart enough to know what’s going on.

 

Elizabeth makes Jess and Steven explain what happened. She’s really, truly upset.

 

New plan! Jessica and Steven admit to Mr Sterne what they did and arrange a new interview. And that is what they do. Elizabeth is embarrassed to be wearing jeans and a crewneck sweater. Interesting fact: this is the exact moment I lost my slavish devoted love of Elizabeth as a child, because it such a stupid thing to be embarrassed about. She’s Elizabeth! She is always appropriately dressed. She gets the scholarship.

Enid and Jeffrey show up, with a scrapbook they’ve made of stuff for her. Which is why she thought Enid was cheating on her. Liz predictably turns down the scholarship. No one has ever done this before.

Winston gives back the lottery ticket, because he accidentally took someone else’s coat. The end.

 

Part 8 – SVH#38 Secret Admirer

 

Not for the first time, Jessica decides that the guys at school are all beneath her (read: she’s gone out with all the cool ones). Lila and her declare they must find some college men. I’ll say it before and say it again: college age guys who go out with high school girls are often huge creeps who can’t get a college girl.

 

Jess thinks the best way to do this is to place a personals ad in The Oracle, the high school newspaper. Lila is appalled – ads are placed for losers, by losers. Jess disagrees, calling it a “very progressive” idea, and there was an article in Ingenue about how great they are. This shows how dated these books are. Today this would be all about match.com and other dating websites. Jess argues that college boys will see the article because her brother gets it at university. How kind. And odd. Anyway, the race is on! Lila versus Jessica, for who can get the best date from an ad. They’ll take them to the Forties Night Spring Fling.

 

Lila’s ad:

 

Glamorous, sophisticated, mature high school girl looking for someone with the right stuff. I like fast cars, caviar and the Caribbean. Don’t talk to me about commitment – I’m looking for excitement, not a bridge partner. If you think you can keep up with me, I want you. Kids need not apply.

 

Oh baby.

If it weren’t for the high school girl part, I’d expect the respondent to be a rich elderly gentlemen who considers himself active and is a big hit with the ladies at the nursing home.

 

Jess’s ad:

 

Are you devastatingly handsome? Are you romantic and wild? Do you like girls who aren’t afraid of danger? Are you the type of guy who goes for what he wants? Are you in college? If you answered yes to all the above questions, drop me a line. I’ve been looking for you.

 

Are you a rapist? Reply now!

 

The personals ads come out. Everyone at school is talking about them. Some people are even mocking them, like Kirk Anderson, a new guy who has to replace Bruce Patman in this story as the resident jerk, because Bruce is too busy falling in love with Amy and pushing his current girlfriend slowly to her death.

 

Jessica gets seven responses to her advert. Her favourite reply begins “Miss Excitement”. He ends “I like slow dancing and romantic dinners. And I like dessert too…  Drop me a line. I think we should get together, mi amore.”

 

Jessica thinks it’s way sophisticated. Lila is unimpressed. She starts writing to the college man, whose name is Paolo. Jess is really excited – he’s European for sure, because second and third generation immigrants don’t exist in Sweet Valley! And he’ll be gorgeous and the son of a diplomat and they’ll go to foreign films and to clubs in LA and she’ll go to Rome for spring break! Perhaps. Also, I can’t imagine Jessica enjoying reading whilst at the cinema.

 

Jess hears that Kirk Anderson has made up a person called Jamie who responded to Penny Ayala, editor of The Oracle,’s personal ad. They’re all laughing about it. Jessica thinks that’s wrong, but she isn’t going to do anything about it. As she so charmingly puts it, “the poor girl left herself open for it. Some people just aren’t good enough judges of character to know when a letter is sincere, and when the writer has ulterior motives.” Harsh words, Jess. Let’s just remember those for later.

 

Friday night – Jessica’s date with Paolo. Oh what wonderful places will this mysterious man lead her to? She gets herself all dolled up in a straight blue linen skirt and a “skimpy” white tank top. Paolo arrives. And what does Jessica think of him? “Paolo was fat. And he wasn’t the least bit handsome.” OH NO! What’s a girl to do? Well, you’ll see.

Her dilemma continues. “I had never dated a fat ugly boy in my life. I didn’t think I could go through with it. What if somebody saw me with him? My reputation would be ruined forever.” This is the worst moment of Jessica’s life. Paolo seems like a relatively nice guy, who even admits that he isn’t the world’s attractive guy. Jessica says nothing in response. Nice.

 

He takes her to Tiberinos, the “exclusive” Italian restaurant, and orders in Italian. Sadly he spent most of the ride over talking about physics. Not only fat and ugly, but a nerd too! When he asks her about herself, she says she’s been an invalid for most of her life. She gets terrible headaches… and yesterday she had a CAT scan… only time will tell. Sigh. Paolo is intrigued, but can’t bring himself to ask intrusive questions, merely checking if she’s OK right now. She… she’s fine. Is that slight grimace of pain over her face? “I just wanted to have fun like a normal girl! For once! Instead of staying home and taking medicines and –“ Paolo takes her home, and tells her to call him if she feels better.

 

Jessica is going to hell.

 

Luckily for her, there are more responses at home, including one from John Targer, who has included a comely photograph. She goes on a date with him, to a Greek restaurant. John chose it, because they do a “mean baklava”. Jessica thinks that’s something you put over your head. John presses her for information about what she likes doing. She comes up with “exciting things”. Going further, she says “I guess you could say I like a dare. I’ll do anything once, and I’ll do it again if I like it.” Which seems rather seductive (and quite silly of Jessica – does she not remember the pornstache?), until you look closer and realise it means nothing.

John reveals he is a sociology major, and asks her all kinds of things about herself. John has to take her home early to do some work. Jeez, he may as well had a tape recorder on the table, that was so obvious. He doesn’t even kiss her goodnight, but Jessica views that as the sign of a gentleman. Did you think the same about Aaron Dallas, Jess?

 

Elizabeth has a plan of action to get back at Kirk Anderson for tricking Penny into waiting for two hours for a guy who doesn’t exist. She shows Enid a selection of magazine clippings of a model in direct vision of Kirk and they ooh and aah loudly over them. Liz claims they’re her cousin Erica, who was already the prettiest member of the family. And hey, she’s coming to Sweet Valley, the weekend of the Spring Fling! Kirk is intrigued. He’s going to take her to the dance – he gives Liz a picture of himself for Erica. Sadly it is not a headshot, as I was hoping, but a picture from The Oracle.

Kirk will have to meet her at the dance though, because she’s so very very busy.

 

Jessica has a date with John at the big beach party on Saturday afternoon. And yes, this is the same day as the Spring Fling. What an exhausting social calendar. Lila has also arranged to meet her new college man at the place. Amy, Cara, Maria, Jean and Sandra are going to judge has the best man. Things start off badly; both Lila and Jess have bought the same bikini. And then both their dates are named John. Can it be?

 

John is surrounded by girls, but is standing next to a redhead called Faye. His sociology project partner, and his girlfriend. There are at least five girls upset about this, including a “pudgy blond”. Prince Albert? John appears panicked – despite taking out several girls and making dates with them, at no point did he ever mention the word “project”, making this massively unethical. And his girlfriend is an idiot for letting him do it. I hope they failed.

Lila and Jessica find other college men to take to the Spring Fling. Kirk is stood up by the imaginary cousin. And surprisingly, Regina is at the dance by herself, Bruce having chosen not to come. Amy isn’t there either. OH WHERE EVER COULD THEY BE?

 

Part 9 – SVH#39 On The Edge AKA The One Where Regina Dies!!!!!

 

People, this is the motherload. The most infamous Sweet Valley plotline of all time. Retold by Jessica, who was barely in it. Be prepared to be slightly let down!

 

Jessica is disgusted by Amy’s efforts to pull Bruce away from Regina for … some reason. Amy is particularly obnoxious, claiming that it’s in Regina’s best interests for Bruce not to tell her “right away”, (as if hiding it for longer will make it easier, as if Regina will just somehow get the idea) because “who knows what she’ll do”?  This is due to Regina’s “fragile” and “temperamental” nature. Christ, it’s like she’s discussing a five-year-old.

The ghost writer goes to great lengths to show that nobody considers Regina fragile aside from Amy, merely “gentle”, because she is Deaf and she’s been through way too much to be considered that, but there’s no real reason for Jess to be so disappointed wiAmy unless you accept that everyone really likes Regina and she loves Bruce.

 

 Because it’s not like Jessica’s ever broken up a relationship before. A more likely scenario is that she’s sick of Amy’s boasting and constant vacuous discussion of her looks. The shoe is on the other foot now, eh? Is Jessica experiencing some displaced guilt for her hopes of breaking up Liz and Jeffrey?

 

Jessica concludes that if Bruce is reverting to type, then he’s bad for Regina and perfect for Amy. That’s some logical fallacy there. She concludes “no matter who wins, the race is going to be interesting.” Especially if racers are disqualified (and by disqualified I mean killed) for using illegal substances.

 

Naturally Elizabeth is appalled. Strangely everyone in this book blames Amy entirely. Clearly she’s a skank and a half, but it’s not like Bruce is innocent in this. Hell, you could argue he’s more to blame, seeing as he’s the one with the wonderful girlfriend. There’s a strange bit where after everyone blames Amy, we get a long diary entry where Jessica argues that Regina isn’t Amy’s problem and the ultimate responsibility lies with Bruce. Methinks one ghostwriter is trying to correct the fucked-up views of another.

 

And of course, once Jessica has told Elizabeth everything, she questions how smart it was to tell a friend of Regina’s. Answer: especially poor.

 

Amy and Bruce have been working together for an oral report on drugs in Sweet Valley. Normally this would consist of interviewing Enid to hear her drug-fueled encounters which occurred long before she moved to Sweet Valley, but for this book drugs are rife. Amy, in a sly move, arranges for herself and Bruce to interview her cousin Mimi who works at a drug-rehab clinic. But she does so on Friday night, aka date night! This appears to be a really big deal – Bruce won’t be with his girlfriend, but rather Amy. I fail to see the significance of this one night.

 

Anyway, Amy tells Bruce she dreamt he kissed her. Jessica: “What a brilliant strategy for getting a guy to realise he wants to kiss you.” Better strategy: doing it yourself. It works. Or, as Jessica puts it, “with a lead-in like that, the old Bruce resurfaced and he just couldn’t help himself.”

Amy claims Bruce had stars in his eyes when he kissed her. Did she not have her eyes closed? You can’t really see much if you open your eyes. Jessica is concerned with more important matters – what will happen if Amy, Bruce and Regina are all at the Wakefield cook-out tomorrow? Amy’s response consists of “whatever”. It is at this moment that I would threaten Amy with a vicious pool-push if she dared trying anything at my house, but Jessica just shrugs her shoulders.

Hey, who is Regina having lunch with? Justin Belson? Isn’t he on academic probation? Jessica seems mighty disapproving of this, which is ironic considering her crappy grades. But it’s more than just that – Justin runs with a bad crowd. Amy’s cousin Mimi saw them at a party which was broken up by the police for having cocaine present. There is no explanation for why Amy’s cousin Mimi was there. Perhaps she was in the corner, handing out anti-drug pamphlets and telling people to Just Say No.  It seems Regina has no other people to eat lunch with, not even Elizabeth or assorted other morons. Amy doesn’t put together this information – Regina + Cousin Mimi + Justin = DRUGS!!!!!!, despite currently working on a project about drugs. Amy is either dumb, or plain uncaring.

 

The pool party. Amy and Bruce share a moment which everyone sees. No doubt every person became subdued and uncomfortable, meaning the party is completely ruined. If I were Jessica, I’d push her in the pool for that alone.

 

Later that evening, Bruce and Amy sneak behind some trees to make out, whilst Regina sits by the pool alone. No one even attempts to talk to Regina. People have such shitty friends in Sweet Valley. Jeffrey is dispatched to break the two of them up, presumably by turning the hose on them. No doubt he does this in a suitably sexy manner.

 

But it’s too late! Regina notices them being herded away and she freaks out when she realises everybody else knows. Liz is all “I didn’t want to hurt you”, by which she means “I didn’t want to be the one to tell you!” Regina demands the keys to 1bruce1 and says she’ll leave them in her mailbox for Bruce to pick up. Will 1bruce1 take orders from anyone else but his master?  She then bitches out Amy and screams that she hates everyone present for keeping things from her. Nicely done, Regina. Shame you’ll die soon, but this will definitely ramp up the guilt for afterwards.

 

Elizabeth blames Jessica for everything.

 

Jessica notes Regina spending more time with Justin. Amy is concerned, because if Regina starts up a relationship straight away, it will make Bruce unhappy. She doesn’t seem to think that it’s a bad sign if your boyfriend is concerned about the marital status of his former girlfriend.

 

Regina is now officially friend with Justin and his friends – his former girlfriend Molly Brown, and her friends Jay and Jan. Enough with the Js already! They are all evil drugtakers. There is no such thing as recreational drug use combined with a normal successful life in Sweet Valley.

 

Elizabeth tries to talk to Regina. It does not go well. She blames Jessica.

 

Despite Amy arranging to meet Mimi on Friday – the significance of Date Night – they meet her on Thursday. Perhaps now Amy’s evil scheme is no longer necessary. Mimi mentions specific people at SVH who take drugs – is this how small the drug-taking contingent is in Sweet Valley? Exact names for high school students? Unsurprisingly, they are Molly and Jan. Molly’s having an open house on Friday, and evil dealer Buzz Jackson is going to be there. Amy writes all this down – is she going to use this for her presentation? Wouldn’t this be slander?

 

The drug rehab place is working with private detectives to get Buzz locked up. Ignoring the fact that perhaps they should be working with the police, should Mimi be telling them the details of an ongoing investigation? I suppose the Sweet Valley police need all the help they can get.

Bruce calls Regina. Amy doesn’t like it, but as Jessica writes, she knew she couldn’t say anything without looking like a “witch”. Yes, that’s witch. Nothing else.

 

Unsurprisingly, Regina isn’t interested in Bruce’ advice. Jessica debates talking to Elizabeth about it. She concludes: “Well, Liz is already asleep, so there’s no point in worrying about it tonight. I’ll decide tomorrow.”

 

“Dear Diary, It’s really cold tonight on the Titanic. I think it might be because there’s an iceberg around, but it’s the end of my shift, so I’ll mention it tomorrow.”

 

Elizabeth asks Jessica to give Jeffrey a message – she has to break their date because of a newspaper emergency, which means she couldn’t finish an essay so she has to do it tonight. Elizabeth really is boring. Asking Jess to pass on a message is always a bad idea, especially as Jess is resentful about how angry Elizabeth has been with her all week.

 

Jeffrey catches up with Jessica first. And Jessica out and out lies, saying Elizabeth needs to move their date up so she can get home early to work on her essay. So Jeffrey needs to pick her up at about 5.30. Oh, Jessica. I would disapprove, but I’m totally rooting for you.

 

Jessica does her whole dressing up as Elizabeth thing – inevitably in a turquoise dress which brings out her eyes – and goes out with Jeffrey. Who is wearing a tweed jacket. Jessica has a wonderful time, because Jeffrey is actually interested in Elizabeth as a person, rather than because of her reputation. It’s a bit sad, actually. They walk on the beach, and kiss. And suddenly – Jeffrey changes. He turns into the hulk. No, he realises “Liz” is actually Jessica! And he kisses her again! It’s a way hotter kiss too. So scandalous. They walk back to the car in shame-faced silence, never to kiss again.

 

Feeling guilty, Jessica spills about Molly’s party. Once again, Elizabeth goes crazy. Jessica thinks Regina won’t listen, adding “But Elizabeth will never understand the teenage mind, having never been a teenager herself.”

Regina does not listen. AS WE ALL KNOW.

 

As the twins get ready for Lila’s movie-watching party, Jessica suggests calling Nicholas Sorrow.

 

Here is Jessica’s in-depth discussion of drug use:

 

This is going to sound awful, but I almost envy Regina a bit. No, I’m not saying I want to go to parties with sleazy drug dealers. But I’ve always been a little bit curious. I know people think of me as a partyer. But I’ve never done any drugs more serious than aspirin. Not even marijuana. I’m not saying I have any desire to do drugs. I’m not even saying I would puff on a joint if someone offered one to me. I’d probably be too scared. But I admit that I have wondered what it was like.

 

Just say no, kids.

 

I especially like the hip lingo of the kids there – puffing on joints. Oh baby.

 

But from that almost-actually-not-at-all daring piece of young adult literature on drugs, to this:

 

Oh God, Diary. OH GOD! Regina Morrow is dead.

 

Hell yes.

 

Jessica then recants anything she said about ever being the tiniest bit curious about drugs. She then gives an amazingly detailed account of what happened at Molly’s party, despite not being there herself.

 

The basics  - people drank beer! Including Regina!

-          “Acid rock” was playing very loudly

-          People were smoking!

-          Molly had an argument with Regina about Justin

-          Buzz the evil dealer arrived, and every one sat in a circle, like it was story time or something, whilst he distributed.

-          Justin wouldn’t leave in case Buzz tried to make Molly try heroin.

-          Regina succumbs to peer pressure and takes cocaine

-          She has a “rare reaction” to the coke and had a heart attack.

-          Nicholas Sorrow arrived, along with the police, who have nothing else to do on a Saturday night except bust up parties.

-          She died in hospital, although I’m sure in the book she died tragically on the sofa when Bruce arrived. That, or he just missed it.

 

Jessica doesn’t understand why Justin would “let” his friend use cocaine, completely ignoring that it was Regina’s own choice.  She also feels guilty for treating the Regina/Bruce breakup as a “spectator sport”.

 

Then a letter comes from Regina from BEYOND THE GRAVE. It absolves everyone of guilt.

 

And now we’re in the Epilogue.

 

Jessica, having read the tragic ballad of Regina Morrow, cries her eyes out. And puts her clothes back in her drawers.  It's all poignant and stuff.