Jessica hates the class hamster, Tinkerbell. (Actually, it’s more like she hates the wheel Tinkerbell runs in because it squeaks.) But the winter break is fast approaching, and it’s time to pick who gets to bring the little white rat-thing home. Mrs. Becker tells everyone to have a seat so she can draw a name out of the all-mighty shoebox and announce who is bringing Tinkerbell home. (At the beginning of the day?) Caroline Pearce offers to pull the name for her, but Mrs. Becker polity explains she doesn’t need any help. Jessica begins praying that it’s not her name called, while her twin prays just the opposite. Deciding He likes Elizabeth better, her name is drawn from the box. Jessica celebrates her twin’s victory by screaming, “NO!”

“Since it’s going to be winter vacation,” Mrs. Becker went on, “I think Jessica should share the responsibility with you, Elizabeth.”

Jessica made a face. “Yuck,” she said softly so the teacher wouldn’t hear.

“Tinkerbell will starve if Jessica has to feed her,” Winston Egbert shouted.

Jessica looked over at her twin sister. Elizabeth was smiling at her. Jessica loved sharing almost everything with her twin, but this was one thing she did not want any part of!

Share cookies? Check. Share boyfriends? Check. Share hamster duty? DO NOT WANT!

Instead of calling for Mom to pick them up, the twins bring Tinkerbell home on the school bus. I don’t know about you, but all throughout my school years, our busses were overcrowded, with barely enough room to breathe let alone move in or sit down. And they’re bringing a hamster on board? And the bus driver is letting them? When our busses hit so much as a bump in the road, all passengers flew at least half a foot up in the air, and a pothole was good enough to be airborne off the seat. Poor Tinkerbell is going to be a shaken-not-stirred hamster by the end of this bus trip—assuming Elizabeth doesn’t lose her grip and send the hamster crashing to the floor. That would be a fun game: Find The Hamster On The Crowded Bus.

When the twins get home, the first thing they do is run to their bedroom. Elizabeth is eager to find a place for Tinkerbell, while Jessica is far more concerned that the hamster will gnaw its way through the metal bars, climb into Jessica’s bed, and bite her while she sleeps. Elizabeth reminds her that won’t happen. Looking for another out, Jessica points out the wheel is squeaky. As if Elizabeth’s going to agree that’s a good reason to get rid of Tinkerbell.

“The hamster’s going to eat me!”

“Uh… no.”

“The wheel is squeaky!”

“ZOMG! We need to get rid of this hamster NOW!”

Mrs. Wakefield then shows up to see why the girls are hiding in their room. Elizabeth shows her Tinkerbell, and Mom smiles, suddenly remembering that she had approved of the girls taking care of the hamster. Jessica again announces she wants nothing to do with the hamster, but Mom trumps Jessica, informing her to do her fair share of help. Elizabeth is still puzzled as to why her sister doesn’t like Tinkerbell, and figures that Jessica won’t do her chores unless their mother reminds her. So Elizabeth secretly decides to do Jessica’s half so Tinkerbell won’t die. Way to teach your sister about responsibility, Lizzie.

One day during the break, Elizabeth invites Amy Sutton over to play with Tinkerbell. They let the hamster run around in the bathtub (“The school bus didn’t kill her! Let’s see if she falls down the drain!”), and they give Tinkerbell some dollhouse furniture to play with. Jessica and Lila show up and Jessica screams. Now that Tinkerbell has played with the dollhouse furniture, Jessica will never be able to play with the furniture again! I don’t understand why not. It’s not like Tinkerbell marked her territory. I was also upset that Lila never bothered to point out Elizabeth was letting the creature play with the furniture she’d given the girls for a birthday present. That would have been a nice confrontation.

On Saturday, Mom tells Jessica to go feed Tinkerbell. (Man, I hope the thing’s eaten before then.) Elizabeth offers to do the chore instead, but Alice insists that Jessica do it. So upstairs the little princess goes. Jessica treats Tinkerbell like the hamster’s a deadly snake, and refills the rodent’s tray with the food Mrs. Becker gave them. Just as she’s finishing up, Steven calls for her.

It seems Steven is (conveniently) working on his science project and wants Jessica to see it. What’s he building, you ask? A magnet? A miniature volcano? A model of the universe? No, no, and no. He’s building (conveniently) a mouse trap. (Personally, I would classify that as an engineering project, but whatever.) As Steven shows her the project, he asks to borrow Tinkerbell to see if the trap works. Jessica screams, “NO!” and the hamster hater suddenly becomes a member of PETA.

“I promise I won’t hurt her,” Steven said again. He crossed his heart and snapped his fingers twice.

Jessica wasn’t sure she should believe him. But he had made their special promise sign. “Promise?”

He nodded slowly. “I promise.”

If only the special promise sign was a binding contract. (I should probably point out that according to the picture in the book, Steven’s mouse trap is on his desk, not the floor.)

While Steven is vowing not to hurt Tinkerbell, Elizabeth goes back to her bedroom to check on said rodent. But oh noes! Tinkerbell isn’t in her cage! Jessica’s worst fear has happened! The hamster has eaten her way through the metal bars and part one of “Operation: Eat Jessica” has begun!

Or it could just be Jessica didn’t close the cage door.

So in the time it took for Jessica to go to Steven’s room and Elizabeth to arrive (roughly two minutes?), Tinkerbell made a beeline to freedom. While Elizabeth searches their bedroom, Jessica, upon hearing the news, jumps onto her bed and assumes the fetal position, screaming, “DON’T LET HER GET ME!” Jessica then realizes their mother is going to be angry, and Elizabeth comforts with the age old What Mom Doesn’t Know Can’t Hurt Her. So the twins tear their room apart, but no luck. (I suppose if they had found her, it wouldn’t be “Runaway Hamster”.)

Remember that mouse trap Steven is working on for his engineering science project? Yeah, apparently Jessica didn’t. Instead, she comes up with an idea: Buy another hamster. If no one can tell Jessica and Elizabeth apart, no one will be able to tell two hamsters apart. Plus it’ll keep everyone in the class from hating Jessica for losing Tinkerbell. Doesn’t exactly solve the Loose Rodent In The House problem, but it’ll save Jessica’s reputation, which is far more important.

After realizing the twins have fifty-one cents between them, they break down and tell Mom what happened. Jessica doesn’t want to for fear she’ll get in trouble, but Elizabeth logically points out if they don’t tell Mom, then they really won’t have enough money for a new hamster. Jessica concedes, and they break the news to the only parent in the book.

If I had to break the news to my mother that there was a hamster on the loose, she’d react thusly:

“WHAT?! What do you mean you LOST the HAMSTER?!”

“Um—”

“There’s a RODENT on the LOOSE in my HOUSE!? Go tear your room apart now! I’ll tackle the guest room! And block the stairs so she can’t get down! Oh, you just wait until your father gets home, young lady!”

And now for the Alice Wakefield reaction:

“Oh dear,” Mrs. Wakefield said. “I’m sure you feel terrible about what happened, Jessica. We’ll buy a new hamster. But I want you to explain to Mrs. Becker what happened.”

What? No grounding? No irate mother? No threatening of the father? No wonder the twins are messed up. There are no consequences in Sweet Valley other than reputations and social status.

On the first day of school after the break, the twins arrive with the hamster via the school bus (I guess since Tinkerbell survived, it’s Tinkerbell 2.0’s turn to mess with fate), and their plan to fool the entire class begins. Jessica dreads telling Mrs. Becker the truth, but Elizabeth points out they promised their mother. But it wasn’t the heart-crossing, finger-snapping promise. However, the twins aren’t smart enough to look for legal loopholes. So when the entire class realizes that Tinkerbell 2.0 isn’t running on her squeaky wheel and Mrs. Becker asks Jessica if the hamster gave her any trouble, the little princess bursts into tears and declares, “This isn’t Tinkerbell!”

Not exactly the way Mom intended Jessica to tell the truth, but it works.

“But where is the real Tinkerbell?” Sandra Ferris asked.

Lois began to cry. She cried at almost everything.

Other kids gathered around to see what was happening.

“Where is she?” Lila asked.

Ellen pointed to the cage. “That’s not Tinkerbell! Jessica lost her!”

Good girl, Ellen. Way to be late to the party.

Jessica begins to hyperventilate, so Elizabeth explains that Tinkerbell got loose and they couldn’t find her, so they bought a new hamster. Mrs. Becker appreciates the gesture, and puts a comforting arm around Elizabeth. (Um? Hello? Jessica’s bawling tears. Maybe Mrs. Becker should comfort, I dunno, the CRYING twin?) Todd tells Elizabeth that he knows it couldn’t possibly have been her fault, and Elizabeth makes out with him—er, ignores him and asks Mrs. Becker what will happen to the real Tinkerbell. Todd interjects that a cat will eat her, and Ellen screams. (I guess she’d just realized for the second time it wasn’t Tinkerbell in the cage.)

“You know what?” Charlie said in a loud voice. “My cat Spike looked fatter this morning. He didn’t eat any of his cat food, either.”

“He ate Tinkerbell?” Caroline said. “Mrs. Becker! Charlie’s cat ate Tinkerbell!”

*face palm*

Mrs. Becker tries to calm everyone down and points out that California is the perfect environment for hamsters (they thrive on smog and paparazzi?), and that if Tinkerbell did manage to go outside, she’d live a long and fruitful live as a wild hamster. (Next on FOX, “When Wild Hamsters Attack”…)

The class renames the hamster Thumbelina (which, oddly enough, doesn’t come up in my Microsoft Word spell check as being misspelled, while Tinkerbell does), and the new name only makes Jessica feel even worse. (She’d been routing for Tinkerbell 2.0.) Thumbelina reminds her of the name Tinkerbell, the animal which Jessica seems to have forgotten she hates.

By now we’re in chapter ten, and Dad finally makes an appearance. It seems he’s been away on a business trip (the entire winter vacation?), and is now home because he’s hungry. (Seriously, he comes into the house, hugs the girls, kisses Mom, then opens the pantry to eat.) And it’s a good thing he’s come home, because the first box he grabs is a box of crackers… and there’s a HOLE in the BOTTOM of the BOX! Dun-dun-dun!

The twins logically deduct that Tinkerbell is still inside the house (apparently no one thought to check the pantry prior to Dad arriving), and decided to start another search. But before they can put their plan into action (or explain to their father there’s a hamster on the loose), Steven screams, “I caught something in my mouse trap!” Elizabeth and Jessica run up the stairs to Steven’s room and see that the mouse trap (that’s on his desk) is now lying flat, and was moving. (I’ve never had a hamster. Can they climb up on desks?) Elizabeth picks the box up and TA-DA! TINKERBELL! (Steven never explains what bate was used, so either it was something spectacular or Tinkerbell is just stupid.) The tiny hamster starts to run, but Jessica quickly reaches out and grabs her before she can fall. It’s then that Jessica realizes Tinkerbell is not poisonous, and smiles at how soft the animal is. She decides then that Tinkerbell won’t bite her (because she’s soft?). Steven does a victory dance that his hamster mouse trap works.

The next day the girls bring Tinkerbell to school in a shoebox on the bus (“This ought to kill her!”), and proudly run up to Mrs. Becker. Everyone in the class is excited that Tinkerbell is back, and that Tinkerbell now has a friend, the wheel-hater Thumbelina.

Suddenly Mrs. Becker sneezes. The entire class of ADD students switch their focus from the shiny hamster to the shiny cold their teacher has, and the boys begin to cheer that they’re going to have a substitute teacher. Mrs. Becker insists she’s fine. However, the closing line to the novel reads:

What will the twins and their classmates discover after Mrs. Becker is out sick? Find out in Sweet Valley Kids #3, THE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.

So apparently Mrs. Becker isn’t as well as she thinks she is.

And that does it for book two.

I still want a hamster.