The A Plot

Todd Wilkins, handsome star of the basketball team, calls the Wakefield house before school one day and asks to talk to Liz.  Jess is so pissed that a boy has called for her sister instead of her that she makes up her mind to keep the two of them apart and have him for herself, even though she doesn’t even really like him all that much, so Jess tells her sister that Todd had called to talk to her, not Liz.

Liz has a crush on Todd because one time he smiled at her in the cafeteria line, and another time he asked what their chemistry homework was.  And he apparently has a tanned chest.  Which, how would she know that just from seeing him at school?  Whatever.  She’s absolutely out-of-proportion devastated when Jess tells her that she’d just had a four minute conversation with Todd on the phone, but our Liz is a brave little toaster, and stoically reassures herself, “I can’t say anything at all about being upset and liking Todd, because it might spoil Jessica’s determination to always get what she wants no matter what!”  So she cries in her room instead.

Anyway, versions of that same scenario happen about twenty different times, with Todd trying to talk to Liz and Jess intercepting him and making it all about her.  Todd just seems vaguely confused about this, but doesn’t really try to do anything about it, which makes me think that he is perhaps not much of a brain trust.  And Liz and puts on her very best martyr face, resolving to stand by Jess no matter what and never, ever speak up for herself, because Jess might get angry.  God forbid.

Jessica, annoyed because Todd is just not that into her, lets bad boy Rick Andover pick her up while she walks home from school.  Rick, apparently, recently dropped out of twelfth grade, has a hot sports car and plenty of money and drinks alcohol, but has no apparent job.  And Jessica notes that he’s always out with a hot girl, because hot girls always line up to date drunken twelfth graders who’ve dropped out of school.  Rick sexually harasses her into a date, and Jessica agrees because, unlike Todd, Rick thinks she’s hot, and Jessica requires constant validation.

Anyway, Rick takes Jess to Kelley’s, a bar that seems to show up again and again in this series whenever a trashy character or location is required.  Jessica notes when Rick picks her up that he smells like alcohol, but thinks that and the fact that they’re going to Kelley’s is exciting.  She gets inside and has a beer with him, but then when he tries to make out with her she does a total about-face, suddenly panicking and crying about needing to go home right away, because underneath her tough exterior, she really is kind of a wimp who needs Elizabeth to get her out of every single difficult situation she’s ever been in.  Without even knowing, Elizabeth helps Jess out of this jam when Rick starts a fight, and the police bring Jess home.  Because she’s a terrible person who refuses to face the consequences for anything she does, she gives her name as Elizabeth Wakefield, and when the cop drops her off, Caroline Pierce, the biggest gossip in school, hears and immediately calls everyone in the phone book.

The next morning at school, everyone stares at Elizabeth and Bruce Patman even congratulates her on her newfound skankitude, but Liz has no idea what’s going on.  And suddenly Todd is all conflicted about his crush on her, because he just doesn’t know if he can forgive her for going to a bar with Rick and being brought home by the police.  Never mind that Todd doesn’t even know her – he’s only spoken to her, like, twice, and exchanged a couple moony smiles in the cafeteria – but it’s suddenly it’s his business to absolve her for riding in a car with Rick?  And Elizabeth’s drippy best friend Enid has a new boyfriend named Ronnie who’s all, “What she did was unforgivable,” like, butt out, ass.  How is it any of your business?  And who asked you to forgive her?

Liz finally figures it out and tries to talk to Jessica about it, but Jess doesn’t feel a bit bad for what she did, even though it completely ruined Elizabeth’s reputation, because Jess pretty much has no conscience, and, of course, Liz doesn’t hold her accountable.  (What she actually said was that she doesn't think it's any big deal, but can't bear the thought of everyone knowing it was actually her, and that she didn't think Elizabeth would mind because Liz isn't a cheerleader.  What?  And Liz is just sort of like, "Oh...well...I do mind a lot, but please don't cry, Jessica, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!")  Repeat that same scene about twenty times, and you have the middle of the book.

During a confrontation on the football field, Bruce calls Elizabeth a slut in front of the whole school.  To be fair, he doesn’t use that exact word; talking to Jessica, he refers to “your sister the pub crawler.  And I do mean crawler!”  Liz is humiliated and Jess, in an extremely rare moment of humanity, confesses to Todd that it really was her at Kelley’s with Rick.  Todd is kind of dumb, as we’ve already covered, and so he makes up this elaborate scenario in his head that Jess is lying to take the blame for Liz the barfly, and then makes out with Jess in front of everyone and asks her to the big dance.  Even though he doesn’t actually like her that way.  What a genius.

Bruce asks Liz to the dance too, but is really like, “Hey, you’re a big tramp, so how about you come to the dance with me and we can get nasty in my Porsche?”  Oh, and he calls her Roadhouse Rhoda.  Because he’s seventy.  Liz is rescued from Bruce’s sexual harassment by class clown Winston Egbert, who asks her to the dance after Bruce threateningly threatens to stuff him in a trash can for interrupting his play for the Wakefield hooor.  Yes, threatening to stuff Winston in a trash can was apparently the best they could do to get across that Bruce is a badass.  I don’t know.

Todd and Winston show up at the same time to pick the twins up for the dance, and Todd is pissed that Liz is going with someone else, even though he didn’t even ask her and is still conflicted about forgiving Liz for something that didn’t even concern him, and which he has been told, flat out, was actually done by Jessica.   Because he’s dumb.  But everyone goes to the dance, and Winston is sad because he’s in love with Jessica (though I can’t understand why) and Liz is sad because she still likes Todd (even though he’s appointed himself the sexual police of SVH) and Todd is sad because he still likes Liz (even though he’s not sure if he can forgive her for something HE WAS TOLD SHE DIDN’T EVEN DO though even if she had, it would still be none of his business), and Jess is pissed because she can tell that Todd would rather be with her sister (which shouldn’t be news to her because she knew that he preferred Liz from that phone call at the very beginning, and has spent the entire book manipulating him away) and because he only gives her a kiss on the cheek goodnight because he’s Just Not That Into Her, even though he’d made out with her in front of the whole school just the day before.

So Jessica gets her revenge by coming home from the dance and telling Liz that Todd tried to date rape her.

And Liz believes it.  Because why would her sister ever lie?  Except for how she lies ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Which means that, when Todd calls Liz to ask her out and tell her that he’s forgiven her for going to that bar (WHICH HE HAS BEEN TOLD SHE DIDN’T DO.  GOD.), instead of telling him off for being a presumptuous moron to believe that she needed or wanted his forgiveness for something she DIDN’T DO when she WASN’T EVEN DATING HIM, or calling him out for being an attempted date rapist, she’s just kind of snotty and eventually hangs up.  Because that’s obviously better.

But, a few days later, Rick carjacks the Wakefields in their Italian sportscar and takes them on a joyride through the Dairy Burger parking lot (…yeah) and Todd hops in his Datsun and rescues them, punching Rick out.

Hee.

And then Liz and Todd make out.  Even though, as far as she knows, he’s still an attempted date rapist.

Todd takes them home and Jessica swans inside the Wakefield house, acting like nothing is wrong.  Outside, Todd is all, “Wait, so you really didn’t go to that skanky bar?” and Liz is like, “DUH.  My sister TOLD you I didn’t,” and he’s all, “Oh.  Yeah.  Sorry, I thought she was lying.  My bad.”  And then Liz is all, “So, you didn’t try to date rape my sister?” and he was all, “What?!  No!  I just kissed her on the cheek!” and she’s all, “Oh.  I bet that made her mad.”  And then they have a good, hearty laugh over that high-spirited Jessica and her wacky hijinks.

And then Elizabeth has people throw Jessica in a pool at a party the next day.  Because that’s proportional revenge for being the heinous bitch who wrecked your sister’s reputation and made her believe that her perfectly nice, if somewhat dim crush is a date rapist.

Oh, and Enid has a deep dark secret that we will, no doubt, learn all about in the next book.

The B Plot

The twins’ brother Steven is dating Tricia Martin, but her dad is an alcoholic and her sister Betsey is a drug addict who sleeps around, so Steven never wants to be seen with Tricia in public.  Tricia could give Liz backbone lessons, because she tosses Steven out on his ear for this, and Steven is unbearably mopey for the entire book, but then his parents tell him to apologize.  He does, and Tricia takes him back.  The whole thing is solved in half a page.

Oh, and the Patmans want to build a formal garden on the SVH football field, and Mr. Fowler wants to build a factory.  The judge says it can stay a football field.  Mr. Wakefield is the lawyer for the school, and because he’s been working long hours on the case, Jess, Liz, and Steve become convinced he’s sleeping with his associate.  The kids freak out about it for the entire book, but then it turns out they really were just working on the case.  The whole thing is solved in half a page.