Sweet Valley Twins #95: Battle of the Cheerleaders
*comes running back into the arena, waving arms in the air like a prize-fighter*
*trips and falls flat on face*
I'm really sorry for the epically long time lapse between this recap and my last one. Absolve me, O Snarkers! What do people do in Sweet Valley when they need forgiveness? They go to Liz, I guess, and she puts a caring hand on their shoulders to let them know that she and her barrettes are there for them. There's no need for you guys to do that for me, though. I'll buy you a chocolate malt at the Dairi Burger and then I hope we'll be cool.
Anyway. On with the book!
Autobiographical Note: As a preteen, I was a pretty keen amateur playwright, and I very often "adapted" my favourite Sweet Valley books into screenplays. I use the very loosest definition of the word "adapted" because in reality all I was doing for all these plays was typing the dialogue out on my ancient Amiga in script format. Dead Before Dawn was one of these books. Battle of the Cheerleaders, the book I'm recapping today, was another. I loved this book as a kid. I didn't love it to the same extent as I loved, say, Elizabeth and Todd Forever, but it was up there. Oh, yes, it was up there.
The title, incidentally, makes it sound as though there's an awesome Bring It On-esque storyline. I should make it clear at once that this is not at all the case, sadly. Francine Pascal, once again you have filled me up with hopes and desires which are quickly crushed to dust, like those of a virgin on prom night.
In this book, both Liz and Jessica are ace basketball players, for the first and probably the last time in the series. Just roll with it, guys. We start with them trouncing Steven in their backyard. He's pretty bitter about it, especially when the twins say that they could probably take on the senior varsity team and win. Steven scoffs at this and in return Jessica pushes him in the pool! Ha! Yes! I knew I loved this book for a reason!
The next day the Unicorns all hang out at the park. Everyone laughs at Janet's stupid jokes - probably for fear that she'd shiv them otherwise. Janet's hardcore - and Jessica boasts about how she and Elizabeth beat Steven playing basketball. The Unicorns are like, "Jessica, you are a lying liar who lies," which is a fair point. They dare her to go and join a game with the boys, who are playing a game called horse. I'm not really sure about the rules but it seems to be that each person has a go shooting at the basketball net, and if they miss they get a letter in the word "horse". I don't know. I don't understand this book. I hate everyone.
Naturally Jessica's penis can't deal with this sort of taunting so she struts up to Bruce Patman, who laughs at her but lets her join in anyway. Of course, she owns all the boys. The Unicorns suddenly forget how scathing they'd been of Jessica five minutes previously and cheer her on. Liz, Amy, Maria, and Julie pass by and the girls start playing a game. Bruce seethes. It intrigues me that while Bruce is essentially Sweet Valley's answer to Speedy Gonzales in the SVH series ("Speedy Gonzales knows my sister!" "Speedy Gonzales knows everybody's sister!"), he shows almost no interest in girls whatsoever at the age of thirteen. Kind of a late developer, no?
At last the girls head off, chattering about how hot they are and how their nail polish is ruined. These ladies are about as deep as a puddle. They decide to start up a girls' basketball team at SVMS, even though the basketball season is almost over and they're all really busy anyway. Uh, okay. I should admit right here that all my knowledge of basketball comes from the movie Space Jam and a couple of episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Neither Bugs Bunny nor Will Smith are in this book (which frankly I feel was a poor decision on the ghost-writer's part), so you'll excuse me if I don't describe the games in great detail.
The coach is more practical, however: the girls can't start a team because there's no one to coach them, there's nowhere for them to practice, and the registration fee to join in the league is forty-five dollars. The girls are pretty downhearted but Jessica refuses to give in: "Being a Booster was great, but she was tired of cheering on the sidelines. She wanted to be in the center of the action." Oh, Jessica. We know. She calls the others wimps and says that they'll make sure to get cute uniforms. So the Unicorns are in, obviously. Liz's friends have no lives so they agree to join in as well.
The next part revolves around the naming of the team. The boys' basketball team is called the Wolverines, which makes me wonder which boy is the closet X-Men fan. My money's on Todd. Yeah, it's the obvious choice, but who else could it really be? None of the girls are comics fans, however, as no one suggests that they call themselves the Rogues or the Kitty Prydes, both of which would be excellent names.
Instead, the Unicorns want to call the team the Unicorn All-Stars. I can't decide if I love or hate that, but Liz, Amy, Maria, and Julie are understandably not enthusiastic. I'm surprised that Janet doesn't cut those bitches. I don't know where I got the idea from that Janet always resorts to extreme violence whenever her authority is challenged, but it seems in character so I'm sticking with it. Amy suggests the Amazons, which is a pretty good name and undeserving of the all-round rejection it receives. Ellen secures my love forever by casting a vote for SVMS Bachelorettes. Finally Jessica hits on a name they all love: the Honeybees. Eh.
Their first practice is a total disaster and everyone wants to give up. Janet won't shut up chattering about Steven. As a kid I loved her crush on him in these books and always felt a little bad for her that he never returned it. You'd think she'd be his type, too, as another book tells us that she has "reddish-brown" hair, and, as everyone who has followed the Tricia Martin-and-her-clones saga at all knows, Steven has a creepy obsession with redheads. Janet really got hosed, all things considered.
Anyway, they decide to get Steven to coach them, but he just laughs in their faces - revenge for being pushed in the pool at the beginning of the book, you see. Layers, man. The theme of this book is "boys are jerks", by the way. They go into their first game with high expectations but, as the macro goes, one does not simply ROCK into Mordor, and similarly, the Honeybees do not simply ROCK into the finals. Their first game, like their practice, is a disaster - they lose 38-6, which is hilariously awful - but just as they're about to throw in the towel, Steven has a change of heart and agrees to help them.
Their first practice with him is at 8:30 the following Sunday. The girls protest but Steven is firm; by the end of it, Lila is so exhausted that she wants her gardener to come and pick her up in a wheelbarrow. Hee. Much of the next chapter is a sort of transcribed movie montage: we get snippets of the Honeybees failing at physical exertion, running around the track, plotting Steven's death, being taunted by the Wolverines, and ever so gradually improving. I was really onto a goldmine when I turned this book into a screenplay. It was published in 1997, which means that the backing track for this montage needs to be MmmBop! by Hanson. Or Quit Playing Games With My Heart by the Backstreet Boys. Or Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. 1997 truly was a golden age for music.
The Wolverines play their next game against the Weston Middle School Bulldogs. I like to picture Francine Pascal working overtime until three o'clock in the morning, frantically drinking coffee and tearing her hair out trying to come up with new names for schools, because she couldn't rely on Sweet Valley just playing Big Mesa and Palisades for the entire season. Anyway, they win, thanks to a last-minute shot by Bruce, and the kids all gather in Casey's ice-cream parlour to celebrate. Bruce is very much the man of the hour and he reacts to everyone's adoration in his usual reticent, modest style: "Of course I was amazing. I'm a Patman. It's all in the genes." Oh, Bruce.
However, the Honeybees show up and piss in Bruce's milkshake by demanding that his team show up to support their game against the Johnson Middle School Violets. (Yup, definitely working overtime.) This is a reasonable enough request, I think, considering that everyone and their mother showed up to watch the Wolverines play, but Bruce doesn't agree. He tells them that he has far better things to do, "like, floss, maybe". It's noticeable that none of the other kids in the place say anything like, "Hey, I'll come along," probably because they're relieved that nobody cares about those Wakefield twins for once. The Honeybees storm out. Janet probably wrecks some cars.
They go on to lose their game against the Violets (and seriously? The Violets? Now there's a name that'll strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. Not. Jesus Christ) by only two points, but they are cheerful nevertheless. If only those rotten boys would turn up! I can't believe that this group of supposedly-popular girls don't have any other friends who'd be willing to show up to support them in the stands. I mean, what about the Unicorns who didn't join the team? What about the Unicorns' non-Unicorn friends? Doesn't Liz have friends other than Amy, Maria, and Julie? Didn't Julie - who was abandoned for about fifty books prior to this one - make any friends during her years in the wilderness when she fell into disfavour with Liz? Where are all those periphery characters whose lives Liz butted into and personal problems she solved? (Answer: probably in therapy.)
The Honeybees confront the Wolverines the following day but, predictably, none of them are interested. Some dickwad called Tim says that comparing boys' and girls' basketball is like comparing apples and oranges. Janet is uncharacteristically awesome, retorting: "They're both team sports, they both use a round orange ball, they're both played on courts! How are they different?" Later that day, she probably orders his death. The Wolverines refuse to see the light, however, and the Honeybees finally offer an ultimatum: apologise and agree to come and cheer the girls on, or none of the cheerleaders will show up at their next game and Liz won't advertise it in the Sixers. A chilling threat indeed. The boys laugh in their faces. I'll allow this because the Sixers sucks.
However, at their next game, against the John F Kennedy Kings, the boys are trounced horribly because of the absence of the cheerleaders. Bruce is angry, blaming "that loser Jessica Wakefield" when the crowd starts calling out for the Boosters to make an appearance. When Todd is like, "Hey, maybe we were kind of dicks to the girls," Bruce calls him a "hen-pecked wimp". What a "zinger". I have to admit, though, that I'm a sucker for stupid insults. In this book, Bruce Patman is my boyfriend. My obnoxious, fictional, eight-years-my-junior boyfriend. Our love is pure!
The Honeybees play their third game, this time against the Big Mesa Bear Cubs, and this time they win! Hurrah! I want to make a honey/bear joke but I can't think of anything clever. Maybe something about Winnie the Pooh? I don't know. Anyway, coupled with the boys' recent defeat, the girls are over the moon. Apparently the win is courtesy of Liz, who scored the final basket by "springing into the air like a gazelle, delicately releasing the ball as if she were throwing a bridal bouquet". Thanks for that, ghost-writer. At the end of the game, Janet bounds over to the poor captain of the Bear Cubs, tears her head clean from her body, and, holding the severed body part high in the air, with a roar of triumph cries out to her teammates, "We will eat well tonight!"
(Disclaimer: The previous sentence may not have actually occurred in the book.)
After this win, Mary, Grace, Kimberly, and Winston - the few Boosters who didn't join the girls' team - offer themselves up as cheerleaders for the Honeybees. I don't understand how cheerleading works exactly, so while it seems a little odd to me that the Boosters are allowed to skip the Wolverines' games while still supporting the Honeybees, I'm not going to question it. I also hope that in this new line-up, Winston is head cheerleader. He might be a bit of a cheertator at first but he'd turn that squad around!
The Wolverines play the Johnson Middle School Jaguars and, although their team's name is infinitely better than that of the girls' team, we are given to understand that they are borderline-retarded man-children when it comes to playing basketball. In spite of this impediment, they still manage to beat the Wolverines by a wide margin. Todd can't shoot. Bruce trips up on the court and lands on his face. Smooth. My fictional jailbait boyfriend is so faily. <3
A seriously worried Bruce invites the team over to discuss their problem. Aaron has the answer: "We're the same team we've always been. We can play just as good as we always did." "Well," says Todd quietly. "Well what?" snaps Bruce. Todd: "Not good. Well. We can play just as well as we always did." Bruce: "Thank you for that grammar lesson, Ms. Wilkins." This book is glorious. I want to marry it and have little book/human babies with it. Anyway, Aaron insists that the Wolverines need the Boosters and the other boys - except for Bruce - agree. Bruce just thinks they should practice harder. Good grief, the boy is bad at scheming. Forget Speedy Gonzales - Bruce is more like Wile E. Coyote.
Anyway, they decide to meet at the Unicorner the next day to apologise, but to their shock and horror, however, the Unicorns don't swoon and agree to begin cheering for them again. Bruce: "We figured that if you guys wanted to come back to our games, well, that would be OK with us." Jessica: "Gee, that's big of you, Bruce. I'll tell you what - if we ever get the urge to come to one of your games again, we'll be sure to let you know." I love this fabulous bitch. The Wolverines finally agree to start coming to the Honeybees' games after Janet "make[s] them squirm". They know what she's capable of.
The next game happens to be against the Weston Lady Bulldogs. Oh, for fuck's sake. Anyway, while the Honeybees have gained a few supporters on top of their cheerleaders, the Wolverines don't show up until twenty minutes into the game, and even then they're wearing sunglasses and baseball caps pulled down low over their faces. Subtle, except for the fact that Bruce is wearing a t-shirt with an enormous picture of his own face surrounded by hearts printed on it, à la Paris Hilton. Not really. Although the ghost-writer never says that he isn't wearing this, so I guess it could go either way.
The Honeybees win but their glee is marred when they find out that the boys left five minutes before the game ended and consequently didn't find out the final score. The girls are, rightly, all, "What the shitting shit?" The boys did, however, leave an invitation for the Honeybees to come to a party at Bruce's house on Sunday evening. The Honeybees naturally decide to go and cause trouble. Girls, that's a school night!
On Sunday, the Honeybees arrive at Bruce's mansion, with smiles on their faces and mutiny in their hearts. Bruce lounge-lizards over to them and serves them punch, which most of them are savvy enough not to accept. Never accept punch from a Patman or a Wakefield, guys. Todd punch, however, is always awesome. (Oh, I kill me.)
Anyway, all the boys talk about how awesomely they played at their last game (which I couldn't be bothered to recap - just know that the Boosters cheered and the Wolverines won) and finally a cake is presented which says: "Congratulations, SVMS Wolverines." Squished to one side are the words "& Bumblebees". Bur-hurn. Jessica gets angry and hurls a handful of cake in Bruce's face. Insert a Nelson Muntz-esque "HA-ha!" here. As much affection as I've expressed for him so far in this book, I don't really have a great deal of sympathy for Bruce E. Coyote. I bet that cake was a product of the Acme Corporation.
At the Wolverines' next game, sans cheerleaders, the boys forget how to play basketball again. They have a meeting at half time. Todd corrects everyone's grammar again. I bet if he did that in the high school books, Liz wouldn't have been able to keep her mom-jeans on around him. Aaron insists that Bruce go in person to apologise to the Honeybees, who are training on the outdoor court, and Bruce, reluctantly, agrees.
When at last he gets there and convinces them to listen to him, he drops on his knees - a move he got from a movie - and "tried to make himself look like a poor, sad, lost puppy. In the rain. Alone". Hee. Ellen dismisses him, "looking at the sky in the back of his head", whatever that's supposed to mean. None of them are interested in what he has to say and time is running out. Bruce contemplates sniffling. Double hee. Embarrassing confession time: when I was a kid, I used to read this scene out loud in a fake American accent. I thought the girls were all so witty and cool. Reading it today, they don't even have many lines! They all just whistle tunelessly and tie their shoelaces. Ten-year-old daniellafromage, your taste sucked.
Anyway, the girls turn away to conspire and when they turn back to him, they agree to cheer at the game - provided that Bruce and the boys do one thing for them...
The solution, as is the case in so many things in life, is cross-dressing. Yes, in order to secure the Boosters' involvement in the rest of the game, Bruce has to agree for himself and the other Wolverines to dress up in cheerleading outfits and cheer for the Honeybees at their next game. They have to call themselves the Drones, which I think is actually pretty funny.
Anyway, the Wolverines win once the Boosters come along, and the following week they help the Honeybees win their final. Apparently all the boys get really into the cross-dressing stuff which...frankly makes me wonder about the direction Sweet Valley Heights will take. I kind of wouldn't be surprised if Lila made Bruce wear women's underwear. Anyway, the Honeybees win. Good for them. I'm sure we're all very surprised. The book ends with Steven getting a boring job at a summer camp he wanted, which was why he agreed to coach the girls in the first place. And that's the end! If this book were participating in the Triwizard Tournament, I would give it eight points out of ten.
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