Current mood:	tired
Entry tags:	amy sutton, exchange student, major continuity errors, nyc, recapper: dramaturgy, sweet valley twins, unicorns

SVT 83: Amy's Secret Sister
Oh Amy. Our resident bitch who is a victim of continuity problems galore... is apparently a younger sister!


My apologies for the cover, it's the best I could find. Though slightly pixelated, it is a very true representative of what the book actually looks like. They are actually all wearing those fugly clothes and St. Elizabeth does actually look like she's going to choke a bitch. The tagline above the title ominously reads "Amy's always wanted a sister...." (yes, those dots are really there). The summary on the back reads:

Amy Sutton has just made a discovery that will change her life forever: Before her father married her mother, he was married to someone else. And not only that - he and his former wife had a baby. Amy has a sister!
Amy's sister, Ashley, is only a year and a half older than Amy, and she's coming to Sweet Valley to spend Thanksgiving with the Suttons. What will Ashley be like? How will she feel about Amy?
Amy is frantic with excitement and worry. Can an only child ever get used to having a sister?

Legitimate question. My only thoughts:
1. How awkward for Amy's mother, and
2. A year and a half between them? Um... I don't mean to nitpick (okay, I lie, my TOTAL intention here is to nitpick) but let's assume Amy was a full term baby, that's still nine months left... Sooo... what are the logistics of this, Mr. Sutton? (I really wish I could remember what goes on here, but I haven't read this book since I was like, eleven myself.)

So let's dig in and see if skank really does travel on the X chromosome in the Sutton family!

The book starts with the incredibly subtle line, "Amy, honey, your mom and I need to have a private talk with you," Mr. Sutton said in a somber tone. ("Daddy's a manwhore.") He unceremoniously sends Liz on her merry, and the narrative tells us that Amy felt as though something had been wrong for weeks, and "she thought her parents were heading for a divorce." She and Liz did some snooping in dad's office (wtf why isn't THIS worthy of being part of the actual plot? Ghostwriter, if you just wanted to get to the meat of the drama, I totally understand but way to be unsubtle about it). So Liz leaves and Amy has an outburst that THEY'RE GOING TO DIVORCE!!1! and her parents are like, uh no, sorry but thanks for playing. Then they drop the S-bomb: Amy has a sister. (And if the back hadn't spoiled me for what was going to go on, I might think OH MY GOSH, AMY HAS A DEFECTIVE TWIN SISTER THEY GAVE AWAY AT BIRTH. But no. Well played.)

Liz interrupts Jessica is worries about Amy. Jess is like "Whatevs, I am trying out hair styles from the book of international hair that I bought. This is called Greek Surprise." She has the front two sections of her hair pulled back in barrettes. Kind of sounds like how Liz wears her hair. And I have to say, that I have been to Athens and I think a man selling you a gyro and then asking if you would like to "sample more wares" (I joke not) is a bigger surprise. Ah, the things I did not tell my mother about my travels abroad. Oh, yeah, back to the book. Cue the sickening descriptions of blonde hair, blue-green eyes, dimples in their cheeks, blah blah blah shut up. Cue Elizabeth accusing Jess of being insensitive (no kidding), Jess going "Whatever, how does my hair look?"

I think Liz's point is made.

So Amy comes over, and where Elizabeth expected her to be all ;_;, she is all :D!! And. I am LOLing because. Well:

"Elizabeth!" Amy ran over to her friend and gave her a big hug. "I have the best news!"
Elizabeth gasped. How could there possibly be great news, when just a few hours before, the tension at Amy's house had been practically unbearable? Maybe she's so upset that she's gone into some hysterical kind of state, Elizabeth thought with concern.

Or maybe you were wrong. Ass.

So Amy explains that her dad was high school sweethearts with a girl, Jane, and they got married when they were young, but the marriage didn't work out. Amy's dad was offered a job as a photographer in Singapore and Jane decided to stay in America. They divorced and lost touch. Mr. Sutton meets Amy's mother who is working there as a broadcast journalist, they fall in love, and get married and have Amy. When Amy is five, Mr. Sutton finds out about the daughter he had with Jane. Um. It's kind of a sketchy timeline, no? I think the adults are smoothing things over. (If someone ever wants to write a racy fanfic of this wild romantic story, I would so be in on it.) So Ashley, her sister, is going to come stay with them for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. How they managed this? I have no idea. Amy says, I quote, "My parents wanted her to come even sooner, but it took them a while to convince Jane to let Ashley come - that's the other reason they were in such bad moods. Jane was being difficult, because she didn't want Ashley to miss school. But my parents arranged for her to take classes with me while she's here. Isn't it wonderful?"

No. It's fucking stupid. I wouldn't want my kid to miss two weeks of school either, so I fail to see how Jane is being "difficult" not to mention I see the point of going to school with her, but seriously? Ashley is a seventh grader, how is this not going to result in a massive pile of fail? Anyway, blah blah blah, chapter ends with a cryptic warning from Liz that sisters are not all they're cracked up to be.

Next is a scene showing this very thing! Jessica has taken Liz's new ruffled blue blouse (ow) and is wearing it. Amy still can't wait to argue with Ashley over clothes.

Cut to lunch at the Unicorner (LOL) where Jess complains that no one noticed her new hairdo (undoubtedly called Turkish Delight or something), and Lila says, "Don't tell me, you washed it." Lila, allow me to burn some incense in your honor. My eyes glaze over as I go through the next few pages, but Jess has apparently styled her hair in a 'Norwegian Lift' and while I'm not sure what that looks like, the word 'teasing' does come up so I'm fairly sure I'm okay with my ignorance. Oh, but here's something important, if not subtle: they vote to admit a new temporary member. OH I WONDER WHO WILL BE THE LUCKY GIRL?

I would skip the next scene altogether, except Amy confides that she wants to be a Unicorn now after hearing the Unicorns' happy news, while Elizabeth smiles and nods and goes WHAT in her head.

Amy and her parents go to meet Ashley at the airport. Ashley arrives, "tall and slender, with reddish-brown hair, big blue eyes, and a perfect complexion." Because ugly people aren't even allowed to visit Sweet Valley. They probably refuse you entry. But then she runs up to Mr. Sutton, throws her arms around him and calls him "dad." Uhh. Amy is standing all awkward (and really, who can blame her, I'd be a little awkward if someone I'd never met did that to my dad) until Ashley embraces her too, and "Amy thought she would burst with emotion." Aw.

They get home and start the whole sisterly bonding thing. Ashley says it's cool that Amy writes for the school paper. I can't decide if she's sincere or not. Amy says she has a "sort-of boyfriend", Ken Matthews (man, I miss middle school sometimes, but then I would have high school ahead of me once again and that would be nothing short of purgatory), and Ashley says she has "a few" boyfriends. So skank DOES run in the Sutton family. She names three different boys - Peter (who is "so possessive and jealous that he drives me absolutely crazy." Run away girl, that is abuse waiting to happen!), Josh, and Scott.

Cut to after dinner where they are eating chocolate chip cookies. To Mrs. Sutton's credit, she has made these chocolate chip cookes which she supposedly only makes on special occasions because they want Ashley to feel like part of the family. Another surprise, they've signed up Ashley for dance classes while she's there because she's a "wonderful ballerina." Wait. I thought she was staying for two weeks? Also, apparently Ashley's from NYC. They frolic off to bed where they're going to stay up late and talk. Fair enough. I still do that with... um. Everyone.

The only reason I bring up the next scene is because Jessica is trying out a new hairstyle again. She had woven her hair into two braids and criss-crossed them over the top of her head. "It's called a Swiss Heidi."
"Where's your cow?" Steven asked. LOL.

Skip ahead a little, Ashley has already been invited to sit at the Unicorner! Damn the girl works fast. Apparently she met Lila in the girl's restroom that morning and Lila told her all about the Unicorns. Wait for it: Ashley belongs to a sister group in New York at her school, the Butterflies! I don't know about you all, but if my school had ever had such a thing, they would have been laughed at and not the popular girls. Period. So uh there's an extremely awkward moment about "oh, I wanted you to sit with me and Liz today, but do what you want, Ashley" and Ashley turns down Lila's invitation to sit with Amy and Liz.

So they're sitting there eating lunch, and Bruce Patman stops by (because Ashley is such a ho... ttie). Ashley pays him no never mind, fiddle dee dee, and then Denny Jacobs stops by. Amy gets kind of bitchy so Denny flounces off. Liz is amazed, because "not even [Jessica] attracts so much attention from guys." Which means Ashley must die. But no, really, Amy awkwardly excuses herself from the table because Liz keeps talking about Ashley being modest, she really IS pretty and it's not just her shiny new personness that is attracting all the guys. St. Elizabeth the Chatty, Patron Saint of Those Who Stick Their Feet In Their Mouths.

I'm going to take the ghostwriter's suble hint and tell you in the next scene, Mrs. Arnette (The Hairnet) gives them an assignment to write an essay about the person they admire the most and why they admire hir. She calls this "exciting" and while that is not the word I would use, it leads to conflict which is what we are totes all about, am I right? Jessica is going to do her essay on Johnny Buck (which is, I don't know, legitimate for an eleven-year-old. Knowing my eleven-year-old self, I probably would have written about Leonardo Dicaprio, so I am willing to cut her some slack). Ashley mentions she is also a fan of The Buck, and Amy asks if she's going to write her essay on him too. But she says she's thinking of doing hers on their father. Which leads to Amy wangst about Ashley is not only prettier and more popular, she wants to be the Best Daughter too.

Liz, Jessica, Ashley, and Amy go shopping, and Jessica tries on a dress. Liz and Amy both say it looks like a potato sack, and Ashley agrees. Amy derives some satisfaction out of it. (Schadenfreude, anyone?!) Oh, also, Ashley is an awesome ballet dancer like Grandma Sutton or something. Ngh.

OH. At the Wakefield table that night, there is a RARE moment of ALMOST parenting from the Wakefields. Jessica and Steven are bickering and interrupt Elizabeth while she is trying to tell her parents about the Exciting Essay for Social Studies, when Mrs. Wakefield says, "Elizabeth, would you like your father and me to send your brother and sister away from the table so the three of us can have a normal conversation?" They don't get sent away, of course, after Liz announces she's writing about the new First Lady (not named, of course, although at the time this book was published the First Lady was Barbara Bush Hillary Clinton. Liz would write about Barbara Bush Hillary Clinton [Eta: Sorry, I know my recent American history, I really do >_>]). Jessica and Steven continue bickering, of course, and the scene ends there with Liz wishing she was an only child. As another Elizabeth with a brother (albeit younger) and a sister (albeit also younger and not a twin), I sympathize with the I wish they would shut up impulse.

Next scene, the twins and Ashmy (like my new portmanteau? It's easier than trying to remember how she spells Ashley/Ashly/Ashleigh/Ashlee/Ashli) are outside by the pool at Casa de Wakefield and they are talking about the weather. No, seriously. They are paying homage to the sun and their perfect weather and ask Ashley if the winters are as bad in NYC as they say they are. Ashley says it snowed twenty inches in one week. As someone who lives in Iowa and, you know, has lived through this past winter, I sympathize. She also talks about the snow and how schools are sometimes open anyway and it turns this blackish-grey color (slush!). I bet if it snowed in Sweet Valley, the snow would be lily white until the day it melted. Steven comes out, flirts with Ashley, and leaves in a pile of Massive Fail. Oh Steven. ♥

The next day, Ashley totes embarrasses Amy in science class by answering a question right... except she's a year ahead so she learned it already... because there would never be a curriculum disparity between New York and California, ever! Education isn't a state and local issue! So Amy strikes back by telling Ashley she's not writing about Dr. Martin Luther King (it doesn't say Dr. in the book, but the man earned a doctorate, let's let him hold the title) anymore, but about their father! Gasp!

Unicorn table, lunch, Jessica's hairdo today is the Italian Basilica, they decide to invite Ashley to a meeting zzzzzzzz (that was me falling asleep at the boringness of it all). At Booster practise that afternoon, Janet asks Amy for her phone number. Obviously so she can contact Ashley, but Amy thinks Janet wants her phone number. After treatment like this in middle school, would it be any wonder if Amy turns around and does worse things in high school? BULLYING BEGETS BULLYING, KIDS. Amy finds out that night though when she's all excited to get to the phone and Janet asks for Ashley instead. Burn.

At breakfast, Ashley has made Delicious Blueberry Pancakes, which would be more accurately called Amy Inadequacy Pancakes because this is another example of where Ashley is talented and Amy is not. Later, when Ken is goofing around in class and Amy is embarrassed by it, she explains to Ashley that he doesn't always act like that and Liz is like, "Uh yeah they do! They are totes ALWAYS throwing spitballs and erasers." Amy nearly lets her bitch flag fly: Can't you just keep your mouth shut, Elizabeth? Amy wanted to say to her friend. Why did Elizabeth always have to be so honest? Hi ho, raise the colors, Amy. Uh, P.S. Rick Hunter also sent a note to Ashley saying she was cute, and one to Amy saying that she was not. Okay, so that last part is a lie, but he may as well have.

The next part (Ashmy + Unicorns at Casey's) is boring. Although Ashley says she shops in the Village (that's Greenwich Village, for those of you in the audience who um, don't know) and she says there are some pretty shocking people there. Ellen asks, "What do you mean?" And of ALL the things that the ghost writer could put in that blank, s/he makes Ashley say, "People with earrings in their noses and purple hair. Stuff like that." I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE DRAG QUEENS, GHOST WRITER. OR DO DRAG QUEENS NOT EXIST IN THIS PERFECT LITTLE PSEUDO WORLD?

Next, Mr. Sutton and Amy are having a touching moment that is meant to reassure Amy's doubts about having an older, prettier, more talented sister around. And it's working, until Ashley bursts in with good news: Madame Andre has called and wants Ashley to dance the lead in Sleeping Beauty! The kid who was supposed to do it has chicken pox! ISN'T THAT GREAT? Uh. There wasn't an understudy and she wants a complete stranger to dance? I AM SO CONFUSED.

More boringness. Ashley eats with the Unicorns and they want her to be their new [temporary, in case you forgot] member. But she has to ask Amy. Cut scene, Amy and Liz are at the Sixers office and Liz comes to the conclusion that Amy is jealous of Ashley. Wait for it. She actually says, "I can't believe I've been so dense." Don't worry, Lizzie. We are all believing enough for you. Liz assures her this is normal and things are once again copasetic.

Ashley, in true hero or martyr style, I can't decide which, tells Jessica at ballet class that she would love to be a Unicorn but she wouldn't feel right, because Amy wanted to be one, and maybe they can make her an honorary member? Jessica's like sorry about your life, it ain't happening. But later, Ashley manages to wrangle an invite for Amy (and Liz, via Jessica, so their "boring sisters" can have company) out of Lila. For the win. BUT, to add to the drama, later when Ashley and Amy talk about it, Ashley acts shifty when Amy thinks that the Unicorns invited her of their own volition, which Amy takes for lack of enthusiasm. Man. My drama meter is going off, and I am just reminiscing about some of the middle school parties I went to. At one sleepover, the hostess threw us out of her room because we didn't want to play the game she wanted to play, and we wound up sleeping in the garage! (No worries, it was June, so we didn't freeze or anything.)

Jessica reveals the drama to Liz in the beginning of the next chapter (we have a Shakespeare in the making here, folks), and Liz agrees to go, because Amy is going to need support while she's being humiliated. Not a Saint, clearly. God, I am sparing you all the horror that is the next few pages, because all of this shit bored me while I was in middle school. Boys boys boys international hair styles blah blah BLAH. Amy tries to be funny and be liked, and it is returned to her as FAIL. Amy is, in fact, humiliated right out of the room when Jessica does one of her infamous hairstyles on her - the Morrocan Moment or something. I guess they won't always have Paris.

Next day or something, Jessica and Steven argue about her essay. He considers the Buck a bad singer and actor, and let's face it, he probably is. But you try telling Jessica that.

Back to Ashmy. Amy is going to help Ashley write an article about how clean Sweet Valley is compared to New York. I guess if New York could get an unheard of and unseen mass population of minorities and ugly people that don't get to be Token Characters to clean their streets with their tongues, their streets would be clean too. So Ashley starts her article, reads the first paragraph, and it's crap. No, really, I was a better writer when I was six and writing bastardized fanfiction that crossed The Little Mermaid and Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. (I illustrated it, too!) Amy makes a suggestion on how to improve without actually saying it sucks. Ashley takes the concrit in stride and tries again. This time, it is better. Still crap, but better. And to add to Amy's thrills, that night Amy teaches Ashley how to eat an artichoke (om nom nom). Later, Amy is a bitch about the Exciting Essay.

The next day, Amy is total bitchmeister again when Ashley is getting attention, and Winston asks her to sign his copy of the Sixers which will get thrown away next time his mom makes him clean his room, etc. When she gets home that afternoon, there is a note from Ashley, saying the time of the dance recital has changed. After answering eighty zillion phone calls for Ashley asking about the recital (um, wouldn't calling I don't know, the dance studio be a better option? Since it's their job to know this stuff?), Amy throws away the note. Le gasp!

Later, Amy is getting ready to head over to Liz's so they can go to the recital and is looking for her sweater - but instead she finds Ashley's notebook. She opens to see the essay about their dad, but lo and behold, it's not actually about their dad! It's about Amy! Dash it all, Clive! Stiney, get me a danish! Her guilt explodes, and she runs to find her dad to tell him about the changed time of the recital. Except he's nowhere to be found! So she rides to and fro through town looking for her father (oh the days before cell phones), and of course, it begins to rain, and since this ghostwriter is, well, a ghostwriter and therefore assured of relative anonymity, the rain gets to mingle with Amy's tears. She goes to the Wakefields' and cries her eyes out to Liz, and instead of talking to an adult like you might want to do if you want a rational perspective on things, Liz says she'll get her bike and the two of them can find her dad!

Except, they don't. Amy goes to the recital and spends a lot of time thinking about how their dad isn't there and reflects that Ashley admires Amy because she's Amy, etc etc etc. Except FAKE OUT, HE WAS TOTALLY THERE. Later they're at the Wakefields' eating, and there is an offhand mention of how Jessica has the second biggest role. Of course she does. We come to the denouement where Mr. Sutton says he pretended to see the note and knows what Amy did, but it's all cool. Ashley leaves Sweet Valley, never to be seen from or heard from again. Also there is a set up for the next book, Romeo and 2 Juliets. Oh boy. (As a point of interest, I'm watching Zefferelli's version of Romeo and Juliet on TCM right now. Gorgeous movie. Olivia Hussy is so gorgeous.)

Outside of that, I apologize for my long windedness and hope this recap was satisfactory. Ta, ladies and gents (if we have any)!

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