As I sit behind this counter and listen
To the gentle sound of the wind chime
Softly ringing, slowly trying to resist the winds that push against it
The wind, which can take away it’s beautiful sound as easily as create it
And as I listen to the sweet melody it makes, I think to myself…
I don’t deserve this.
And I doubt I ever will…
Every so often someone wanders through the door,
Brought in by the gentle sound of the wind chime.
A young child, insistently pulling his reluctant mother in tow,
Or perhaps an elderly couple on an outing with their grandchildren,
Who will silently browse around
Until they come across some little trinket that catches their eye,
Something that is of no use to them in any way that I know of
Of course, who am I to know what the hidden value is of the things my customers buy…
I make my living
And I should be content with that.
… But somewhere deep in that grey abyss something says to:
I don’t deserve what I have been given…
And in the pit of my stomach
I know that the voice is right…
But I just sit there
And watch as passers-by come and go from under the brim of my hat.
And I bite my lip in frustration
As these people unknowingly give me
What I don’t deserve to be given.
And so I tip the striped brim of my hat low
In a desperate attempt to hide the frustration and shame
That I know I can never hide…
The frustration and shame that hang,
Suspended in the endless grey abyss of my stare.
~~~
My hat…
This hat,
This constant reminder of the past I want to forget…
The looming shadow of the vast multitude of sins
From the past I am ashamed to call my own.
This hat, the only thing remaining of my life in the past…
Of all the regrets,
All the selfish dreams,
… All the hardships I brought upon those closest to me…
Perhaps I should just rid myself of this hat,
All the bad memories that flood my mind every time I think about it.
To rid myself of it,
To forget all that I have done and all that has happened because of me…
For that would be God’s greatest miracle of all,
The redemption of my soul,
For I have had enough misery and sin for two lifetimes…
This is the reason I wear this hat low over my eyes,
Because if you were to look directly into the grey abyss of my gaze,
The pain and sorrow are as visible as anything.
But no, I shall keep this hat just a little longer.
For it at least let’s me half-believe I am hiding the shame in my eyes
I shall keep the hat at least as long as this lifetime lasts
And who knows? Perhaps I shall carry it to the next life with me…
To stay with me as a constant reminder of the past I try to leave behind
The past and the memories which drive me to receive,
Or at least attempt to find,
The redemption of my soul for eternity.
And this within itself that which drives me towards the future
To the hope that someday I may be able to hold my head high
No longer having to hide my eyes behind a hat…
To make things right and justified in my eyes,
The eyes that hopefully someday
Will once again have depth and meaning,
No longer the grey abyss through which I see the world.
~~~~
A heavy breeze catches the wind chime
And the loud ringing and jingling of the glass
Brings me back to reality.
Best to call it quits for the day.
As I head home, I look at the sky,
Into the black abyss of night and the star that twinkle above.
And it gives me hope.
For if light and hope can shine even the darkest of night,
Perhaps there is also a glimpse of hope in me.
In the grey abyss of my gaze.
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4_6_12dork_trio (it is only a third RIn, but who cares~)
