hi girls...im leaving most of LJ...i have to do what it takes to recover from this...sorry x but thanks for all the help :)
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there is more to life
The 1000 Challenge
11 March 2008 @ 08:17 pm
Add me!!!
23 January 2008 @ 11:20 pm
so bored.....
...even the dishwasher is fun to watch.
A little update on what's new with me.
The Bad: I'm going to have to quit my job at The Shoe Company soon=( I really, really like this job.. so it is going to be hard. But school is #1, and by next semester, it is going to interfere with school.
The Good: I am (hopefully) going to start piano again soon!!!!!!! yayyyyy I've been waiting like... 2, almost 3 years to go back to piano. Ever since I've been in the hospital. I miss my instructor soooo much. We are going to have a LOT of catching up to do! She is such a sweet lady, she's the main reason I really, really want to go back.
A little update on what's new with me.
The Bad: I'm going to have to quit my job at The Shoe Company soon=( I really, really like this job.. so it is going to be hard. But school is #1, and by next semester, it is going to interfere with school.
The Good: I am (hopefully) going to start piano again soon!!!!!!! yayyyyy I've been waiting like... 2, almost 3 years to go back to piano. Ever since I've been in the hospital. I miss my instructor soooo much. We are going to have a LOT of catching up to do! She is such a sweet lady, she's the main reason I really, really want to go back.
21 January 2008 @ 11:31 pm
Things I'm eating now that I would have NEVER touched before:
I noticed this when mom and I went to a buffet restaurant last week. I haven't been to one of those in a while. And my mom used to always get so annoyed when she took me because it was such a waste of money. I would have like a big plate of salad.. and then give in and binge like mad on dessert... Like one of everything.
But last week at the buffet, I decided to try more things (as long as they weren't meat) and as a result, I filled up more on the "main course" and only needed a little bit of dessert. I was quite content.
Some things I tried, which I used to be afraid of:
-cocktail sauce for shrimp
-tossed ceasar salad. (I'm usually too grossed out by the dressing and prefer to make my own salad from the lettuce and veggies with no dressing)
-battered fried fish. (I often think it is SUCH a waste because fish is my favourite food and it can only be enjoyed steamed. I still prefer it steamed, but the deep fried fish wasn't bad)
-Mango salad (I would be afraid of this because the dressing was sweet... but I tried it. And didn't love it=\)
-Plum sauce (just a little) for my egg roll
-Ranch sauce for dipping vegetables in
I know.. sounds like a lot of food. But everything is miniature. And I didn't finish all of it.
Weird.. Sauces have always been a big "NO!" for AT LEAST the last 2 years. I've been terrified of food that is not plain tasting because flavour = calories. Well.. not herbs and stuff. But condiments are like.. danger zone.
Yepp.. so for dessert, I only had a little scoop of ice cream, a couple bites of waffle.. and a mini butter tart. Can't leave that restaurant without having a butter tart. They are only about the diameter of a golf ball.
Whereas normally if I went to that restaurant, I'd have salad.. and then brownies, nanaimo bars, butter tarts x4, ice cream, a quarter of a waffle, more ice cream, more cake, more pie...
But last week at the buffet, I decided to try more things (as long as they weren't meat) and as a result, I filled up more on the "main course" and only needed a little bit of dessert. I was quite content.
Some things I tried, which I used to be afraid of:
-cocktail sauce for shrimp
-tossed ceasar salad. (I'm usually too grossed out by the dressing and prefer to make my own salad from the lettuce and veggies with no dressing)
-battered fried fish. (I often think it is SUCH a waste because fish is my favourite food and it can only be enjoyed steamed. I still prefer it steamed, but the deep fried fish wasn't bad)
-Mango salad (I would be afraid of this because the dressing was sweet... but I tried it. And didn't love it=\)
-Plum sauce (just a little) for my egg roll
-Ranch sauce for dipping vegetables in
I know.. sounds like a lot of food. But everything is miniature. And I didn't finish all of it.
Weird.. Sauces have always been a big "NO!" for AT LEAST the last 2 years. I've been terrified of food that is not plain tasting because flavour = calories. Well.. not herbs and stuff. But condiments are like.. danger zone.
Yepp.. so for dessert, I only had a little scoop of ice cream, a couple bites of waffle.. and a mini butter tart. Can't leave that restaurant without having a butter tart. They are only about the diameter of a golf ball.
Whereas normally if I went to that restaurant, I'd have salad.. and then brownies, nanaimo bars, butter tarts x4, ice cream, a quarter of a waffle, more ice cream, more cake, more pie...
13 December 2007 @ 05:42 pm
HelllOOoooOOooo
Where is everybody?
How's it going?
I am super duper sleepy right now. Homework is sort of crazy right now because it is almost Christmas break. Does anybody have any plans for christmas?
I might actually work on christmass.. (sucks). Or I could work on New Year's. I have to choose one. If I stay home for christmas.. my baby cousin (he's actually 14, but he's still a baby to me) might come over. My family doesn't usually do much for christmas... We might go out to dinner with aunts and uncles and cousins a couple days before actual Christmas. But nothing special really happens on Christmas day. So I might go buy one of those Gingerbread-House kits and my cousin can come over and we can build it. LOL. I've ALLLLLLLLWAYYYYYYYSSSSSSSS wanted to do that. My entire life! I LOVEEE gingerbread and it seems like a really fun thing to do. And since we're not going to have real turkey.. we might get a turkey tv dinner (Swanson's) lol. My cousin likes that kind of food. He pretty much lives on McDonalds and frozen entrees. And he is a toothpick. But he is still young.. wait'll he's 30 and if he doesn't change his habits.. hahaha...
A LOT has happened in the last couple of months. Haha. Mostly good things.
Well.. one not so great thing happened yesterday,
BUT i'm not going to say it yet.. hahah cuz i sort of have to go. And i'm not even sure if anybody's here anyway. I'll leave it for my next post! I'll try to keep these shorter from now on.
SOOOOO how is everybody? What's new? Tell me!!
And if you are not feeling SUPER and don't feel like posting, then PLEASE add me on msn or e-mail me! I want to listen to you and help you if I can.
p1xie.dust@hotmail.com
Love,
Emily
21 November 2007 @ 05:06 pm
Hey everyone im new here,
I'll just give a quick rundown of myself,
im 5'5" and weigh 55kg, i used to weigh around 110kg+
Since around the start of this year i have been restricting heavily to between 100 cals to 300 cals a day, sometimes id fast for weeks at a time untill i was too sick to continue.... up untill a few weeks ago that was.
Now ive decided to try and get healthier and better.
Ive started exercising 4 days a week of swimming (something i never had the energy to do before) but now im eating 900 Calories on the days i dont exercise, and 1000 to 1100 on the days to do exercise.
Im not sure what a typical "hey im new" post should have in it but thats all that comes to mind for now..
so im looking foward to giving/recieving support from everyone in here :)
xoxo
22 October 2007 @ 11:00 pm
Lets get rolling again
So nice to hear from everybody again. I'm really glad just to hear from all of you, so I don't have to worry.
And nobody needs to worry about me, because I am doing quite alright.
Most of my time is on school and work now so I am mainly pretty busy. I still do slack off a lot and find distractions such as The OC re-runs, Heroes, Cartoons...more junk tv...and playing The Sims. Kills lots of time when I am not feeling like doing my homework. But that's pretty bad. I can't seem to stay focused. I get bored wayyyy too quickly and then I want to do other things that are more fun. Today, I have en english assignment. Just an essay to read and to answer some questions. The text is only about 6-7 pages long but it is succcccchhhh a dragggg just to read it, let alone answer the questions. I can't seem to focus on what I am reading and I still don't know what it is about o.O Sounds like a case of ADD?
I am still in that "intense" phys-ed course and our distance for running gradually increases. We are at 3 miles now and doing all sorts of things in the weight room. This class can be a pain in the ass some days. Like mondays, right after the weekend when I feel like doing nothing. But at the same time, it really is quite beneficial. I've been eating what I want and haven't gained a single pound. I've veeeeerrrryyyyy slowly lost about 4 pounds, which is nice. What I want to work on is just building more muscle especialy in my lower body so my metabolism can be higher and naturally burn more calories=P
But even my eating hasn't been TERRIBLE. I mean, I can ACTUALLY stand to have junk food in my house and not go crazy. I've got about 3 varieties of cookies. ANd these aren't even like whole grain fig bars or whatever. (Although we do have a package of apple-fig bars) But i've got chocolate sandwich cookies and all the cereal and granola bars you can imagine. But on most days, I'm quite good with just 2 cookies or so. For dinner time, I actually crave fish and vegetables and hot soup. I don't know if its the physical activity i'm doing thats putting me in a better mood and making me want to eat more or less "normally", whatever it is, is making me feel pretty good.
I'm talking about MOST days.
Not everyday can be like this. Some days, like when I'm pmsing, or reaaaalllllyyyyy hate the homework i'm doing, I can eat a whole kit kat bar while watching Family Guy. But I usually can't go on for more than 1-2 days like that, then I'll start craving fruit and veggies and eggs again=P
Okay..i'm not going anywhere...
Oh, but I do have a halloweenish party on friday, which is actually going to be at MY HOUSE. So I will tell you how it goes. I'm so excited!
Lots of Love,
Emily
21 October 2007 @ 02:19 pm
wrinting in the hope that you people are still reading
hi, how are you all? i hope yu good and that is why no one is writing.
i should feel great, my university is awsome, alll the people are very friendly and my subjects are sososo interesting, i totally love it, everything could be perfect.
sometimes i think that i just can´t enjoy things, i allways have to spoil them by myself, it could be alll greatz, i could have an amazing time, but instead of that, i´m feeling like sb is abusing me mentally. everyone is totally friendly, but i can´t help getting the impression, that it´s only superfical and that noone really likes me, i feel so inferior to everybody, i every way and aspect
i should feel great, my university is awsome, alll the people are very friendly and my subjects are sososo interesting, i totally love it, everything could be perfect.
sometimes i think that i just can´t enjoy things, i allways have to spoil them by myself, it could be alll greatz, i could have an amazing time, but instead of that, i´m feeling like sb is abusing me mentally. everyone is totally friendly, but i can´t help getting the impression, that it´s only superfical and that noone really likes me, i feel so inferior to everybody, i every way and aspect
14 October 2007 @ 10:06 pm
i´m back
hi, although i know that this community really isn´t tooo active at the moment i decided to post, maybe you´re all still reading and not posing, as i did the last week.
i came back from africa a week agao and it was amazing!
an absolutly overwhelming experience and i learned a lot important things there.
altogether i had an amazing time and i also learned to like me a bit more, mainly because i met a lot new people who were all very nice to me and i had no problems with everyone, was quite open and made a lot of new friends, which i´m normally very bad at. also i spend 4 weeks without having a mirror and with 2 fixed meals a day, so i learned a little better how normal people are eating and i had a lot of exercise building a house there as well.
when i came back home i was really happy, a lt more self-sure than before and i nearly wasn´t thinking about outerapperiance and food anymore.
this is a week ago.
and know ´m back at my pc, emotionally totally instable, afraid and absolutly unseure.
I HATE THIS COUNTRY!!!
i have the feeling that everybody is judging me over my look and that i do not get very good grades in that judgment. and i beging again to hate what see in the mirror. the worst episode of my ed started about a year ago and in the meantime i was doing quite well with recovery, i´m still underweight, but atm i liked my body the way it is.
but now i start to feel like i did a year ago, i´mm standing in front of my mirror holding in my belly, feeling ugly and useless and i get a bad feeling everytime i eat and i feel like alll i do is eating the whhole day and i start to ride my bike again everyday only to make up for the things i eat and i start to think about calories again and i
know it´s not good and can´t help it.
like a year ago i want to start skipping meal.
i want to feel starrved.
but i know that this would ruin me, univerity starts tomorrow ( i´m totally scared of all the new people) and i need energy, i need to eat.
but all i want is feelin good
i only feel goood when i think that i look good
i´m totally superficall, like the rest of the western culture
i wannna go back in the bush
sry for the rant
i came back from africa a week agao and it was amazing!
an absolutly overwhelming experience and i learned a lot important things there.
altogether i had an amazing time and i also learned to like me a bit more, mainly because i met a lot new people who were all very nice to me and i had no problems with everyone, was quite open and made a lot of new friends, which i´m normally very bad at. also i spend 4 weeks without having a mirror and with 2 fixed meals a day, so i learned a little better how normal people are eating and i had a lot of exercise building a house there as well.
when i came back home i was really happy, a lt more self-sure than before and i nearly wasn´t thinking about outerapperiance and food anymore.
this is a week ago.
and know ´m back at my pc, emotionally totally instable, afraid and absolutly unseure.
I HATE THIS COUNTRY!!!
i have the feeling that everybody is judging me over my look and that i do not get very good grades in that judgment. and i beging again to hate what see in the mirror. the worst episode of my ed started about a year ago and in the meantime i was doing quite well with recovery, i´m still underweight, but atm i liked my body the way it is.
but now i start to feel like i did a year ago, i´mm standing in front of my mirror holding in my belly, feeling ugly and useless and i get a bad feeling everytime i eat and i feel like alll i do is eating the whhole day and i start to ride my bike again everyday only to make up for the things i eat and i start to think about calories again and i
know it´s not good and can´t help it.
like a year ago i want to start skipping meal.
i want to feel starrved.
but i know that this would ruin me, univerity starts tomorrow ( i´m totally scared of all the new people) and i need energy, i need to eat.
but all i want is feelin good
i only feel goood when i think that i look good
i´m totally superficall, like the rest of the western culture
i wannna go back in the bush
sry for the rant
26 September 2007 @ 07:54 pm
Bit of recovery struggle
I'm struggling a little with recovery. Any input would be AMAZING..i'm feeling a little lost on my own.
I've gone back to 'safe foods'. I broke down my old safe food habits as part of recovery, and tried eating different foods, in different amounts and different brands and whatever. Now it seems i've settled into some of these new foods, and they're now my safe foods. Flapjacks, tea, lattes, biscuits, nuts and tinned fruit. At college that's all i seem to be able to eat. I tried to buy a sandwich the other day - wasn't gonna happen. Joss was trying to get me to eat pizza or pasta - no way.
I don't know how bad this is. I'm physically alright, i'm not depressive, i'm not filled with ED-thoughts. I just worry these things aren't healthy in the longterm. They're not truly awful.
I think it may have a little todo with most of them being concentrated calories. If i ate the calories i need at college of healthy (aka, probably calorie-sparse) foods it would be massive in volume, and i'd get bloated beyond belief.
Bloating is still a big problem. I'm on the same scale as a pregnant woman very often.
I'm still bruising more than normal. Nowhere near as bad as a few weeks ago. It's also uncomfortable sitting still for longer than about 3 minutes.
And then the most horrible i think is how i alternate between hot and cold so much. I zoom from one extreme to the other and i feel really unwell when i do, but complaining "i feel too hot" just seems pathetic. My body image seems to change along with it, like when i'm cold i feel thinner, and when hot i feel suffocated by flesh ... i guess it's just associations from the past when i've been at the extremes of weight and those were what i felt the most.
I wish i knew what to do to help myself with these, except just work hard on eating right. I don't want any more trips to doctors or whatever, i've had enough of that.
I've gone back to 'safe foods'. I broke down my old safe food habits as part of recovery, and tried eating different foods, in different amounts and different brands and whatever. Now it seems i've settled into some of these new foods, and they're now my safe foods. Flapjacks, tea, lattes, biscuits, nuts and tinned fruit. At college that's all i seem to be able to eat. I tried to buy a sandwich the other day - wasn't gonna happen. Joss was trying to get me to eat pizza or pasta - no way.
I don't know how bad this is. I'm physically alright, i'm not depressive, i'm not filled with ED-thoughts. I just worry these things aren't healthy in the longterm. They're not truly awful.
I think it may have a little todo with most of them being concentrated calories. If i ate the calories i need at college of healthy (aka, probably calorie-sparse) foods it would be massive in volume, and i'd get bloated beyond belief.
Bloating is still a big problem. I'm on the same scale as a pregnant woman very often.
I'm still bruising more than normal. Nowhere near as bad as a few weeks ago. It's also uncomfortable sitting still for longer than about 3 minutes.
And then the most horrible i think is how i alternate between hot and cold so much. I zoom from one extreme to the other and i feel really unwell when i do, but complaining "i feel too hot" just seems pathetic. My body image seems to change along with it, like when i'm cold i feel thinner, and when hot i feel suffocated by flesh ... i guess it's just associations from the past when i've been at the extremes of weight and those were what i felt the most.
I wish i knew what to do to help myself with these, except just work hard on eating right. I don't want any more trips to doctors or whatever, i've had enough of that.
26 September 2007 @ 04:50 pm
eEk!!
I go back to uni next weekend, and i'm terrified. I had to take the year off due to ED/depression so i'm really scared about how i will cope with going back. I need to concentrate on my degree, but food issues can be so distracting... as you all know!!
I hate the fact that when I'm worrying about something I push the people closest to me away. Last night my mum said 'Are you OK? You have been very quiet this evening.' Not very offensive I know. But I gave her a death-stare and snapped 'Just SHUT UP!!' I should be telling her how worried I am instead of writing it here. But I hate letting other people know how weak I am.
22 September 2007 @ 11:20 am
Okay, by Emilys reminder...haven't updated here in AGES.
3 weeks of college down. Its tough. Continuous panic attacks and tears all the way through. When i'm actually working though i'm enjoying it.
I bumped into the lovely Bryony a few days ago in the toilets, simultaneously throwing up from anxiety ... coincidence of a lifetime?! Makes me wonder how many girls there are in the toilets doing the same thing. Interesting thought.
My body seems determined to make me stay at home. 3 stomach upsets (complete with mid-shit fainting), a cold, a migraine and an infected cut... in less than 3 weeks. My immunity from a year of hermit-dom and anaemia is clearly shit.
There's been a whole spate of arsoning where i live. It's getting pretty scary. One about a month ago was a car right outside my house and the police evacuated us. Now the arsonists are moving on to buildings. *worry worry*
This does seem like an overly negative update, but things aren't reallllllly bad. I don't really know what's good, but something is, because i am okay.
3 weeks of college down. Its tough. Continuous panic attacks and tears all the way through. When i'm actually working though i'm enjoying it.
I bumped into the lovely Bryony a few days ago in the toilets, simultaneously throwing up from anxiety ... coincidence of a lifetime?! Makes me wonder how many girls there are in the toilets doing the same thing. Interesting thought.
My body seems determined to make me stay at home. 3 stomach upsets (complete with mid-shit fainting), a cold, a migraine and an infected cut... in less than 3 weeks. My immunity from a year of hermit-dom and anaemia is clearly shit.
There's been a whole spate of arsoning where i live. It's getting pretty scary. One about a month ago was a car right outside my house and the police evacuated us. Now the arsonists are moving on to buildings. *worry worry*
This does seem like an overly negative update, but things aren't reallllllly bad. I don't really know what's good, but something is, because i am okay.
21 September 2007 @ 09:10 am
September 21st
Alright, where is everybody? It's suddenly gone all quiet... o.O Kinda freaky... Josie, how's school going? I hope everything is okay. And we rrrrrreeeeaaaallllyyyyyy haven't heard from many of you lately... ___candycoma? addictive_sugar? 2heavy2carry? brokendoll? ....anybody?
lol well I hope you guys will come back!
and I guess I'll just talk a little bit about myself.
So just finishing the third week of school. Although I am home today becuase i've got a bad cold. I sorta still want to go to school today so I don't miss too much... woAH... lol. Did I just say that? Emily-the-class-skipper just said she wants to go to school!!!
Haha.. I guess I'm FINALLY starting to take grade 12 a little bit more seriously.
And everything has been really good for me so far. I'm honestly feeling pretty good about myself most days. Just not today because i'm sick. I've been following most of my rules.. up until the middle of this 3rd week because I was beginning to get sleep deprived and sick. The only "rule" I haven't been doing too well is Not going to the "Academic Resources" department. I'm still there everyday o.O. It's alright when they don't have food.. but lately, people have been bringing in cookies and treats -__-" Anyway.. it's not bugging me too much.. not too sure why.. I guess it's because I've got that ass-kicking gym class now.. And I feel like I'm burning a lot of it off anyway. We've been running up to two miles now and on alternate days we do weight training. I LOVE it. I feel really bad that i'm missing my third day of that class today. But I guess it is better that I stay home, get better so I don't disease somebody else and so I have enough energy to run again. On tuesday, we went from 1.5 miles (last week) to two miles. It was pretty cool. I thought i'd die, but I was really alright. In fact, I came in third! I just had two boys in front of me! I kept a slow, steady pace. In the beginning of the run, I was behind everybody... but slowly I passed one person, then another.. because I never had to stop. (and they did=P) So Somehow I just worked myself up to about the middle of the line and then I sprinted the last minute and made it third!=D ...not that it was a race. LOL. But it felt good. RREEEEAAALLLLLYYY good=]
My other classes are all pretty good too. I've got this social science course called Challenges and Changes first period. And we do absolutely nothing in that class. Just talk. Quite pointless but fun at the same time. Then I've got chemistry, Which i'm surprisingly doing pretty well in! I just have this feeling I'm starting to fall behind in English because it kinda bores me.. Usually I like english but we do too much article reading-answering questions. I just keep getting sleepy. Reading has always been my weakest for English. I'm usually a better writer.
My lunches haven't been super duper lately because i've been super duper busy. But I usually manage to have some sort of protein, sometimes vegetables, some sort of bread(bagel, sliced bread, buns) and ALWAYS a fruit. Sometimes it's not so good.. like pizza. But I've always got that fruit there. And lots of water. I eat more junk food when I get home though =\...but SOMEHOW i still managed to lose 1.5 pounds. I went from 145 to 143.5. So thats actually pretty nice. I'm hoping this can continue because I'm losing weight AND building muscle mass from all that weight training. So hopefully i'll look nice and toned by prom! =) I'm going to be taking aquatics next semester for my phys ed. At least I think I am. I need to get over the fact that there will be boys in that class o.O....I'm working on it.
Well.. alongside school, I've been juggling with three..sometimes four jobs. LOL. I've got my cashier job at the shoe store 2-3 times a week, then I take care of this senior for about 2 hours a day, 2-3 times a week. On sundays, I tutor the autistic boy. And SOMETIMES I teach photoshop/flash at the computer learning center once a week. At the moment, I just finished a course with one kid so until another kid comes along and I can fit it into my schedule, I don't have any classes there.
I'm also taking driving classes and getting examined on the 2nd of October =O... eeek.. I reeeeeeaalllllllyyyyyyyyy hope I'll pass. I am such a paranoid driver. I really really suck at driving. But I need to be able to to get places!
So it is sorta tough eating properly when I'm always on the run or rushing homework. I just sort of eat whatever I see around, whatever is fast. Most the time my mom has nice home cooked food either on the table or in the fridge. But if not, i might just eat a slice of bread.. or a snack cake =X
Okay. Thats it for now.
See ya later, alligator!
Emily
lol well I hope you guys will come back!
and I guess I'll just talk a little bit about myself.
So just finishing the third week of school. Although I am home today becuase i've got a bad cold. I sorta still want to go to school today so I don't miss too much... woAH... lol. Did I just say that? Emily-the-class-skipper just said she wants to go to school!!!
Haha.. I guess I'm FINALLY starting to take grade 12 a little bit more seriously.
And everything has been really good for me so far. I'm honestly feeling pretty good about myself most days. Just not today because i'm sick. I've been following most of my rules.. up until the middle of this 3rd week because I was beginning to get sleep deprived and sick. The only "rule" I haven't been doing too well is Not going to the "Academic Resources" department. I'm still there everyday o.O. It's alright when they don't have food.. but lately, people have been bringing in cookies and treats -__-" Anyway.. it's not bugging me too much.. not too sure why.. I guess it's because I've got that ass-kicking gym class now.. And I feel like I'm burning a lot of it off anyway. We've been running up to two miles now and on alternate days we do weight training. I LOVE it. I feel really bad that i'm missing my third day of that class today. But I guess it is better that I stay home, get better so I don't disease somebody else and so I have enough energy to run again. On tuesday, we went from 1.5 miles (last week) to two miles. It was pretty cool. I thought i'd die, but I was really alright. In fact, I came in third! I just had two boys in front of me! I kept a slow, steady pace. In the beginning of the run, I was behind everybody... but slowly I passed one person, then another.. because I never had to stop. (and they did=P) So Somehow I just worked myself up to about the middle of the line and then I sprinted the last minute and made it third!=D ...not that it was a race. LOL. But it felt good. RREEEEAAALLLLLYYY good=]
My other classes are all pretty good too. I've got this social science course called Challenges and Changes first period. And we do absolutely nothing in that class. Just talk. Quite pointless but fun at the same time. Then I've got chemistry, Which i'm surprisingly doing pretty well in! I just have this feeling I'm starting to fall behind in English because it kinda bores me.. Usually I like english but we do too much article reading-answering questions. I just keep getting sleepy. Reading has always been my weakest for English. I'm usually a better writer.
My lunches haven't been super duper lately because i've been super duper busy. But I usually manage to have some sort of protein, sometimes vegetables, some sort of bread(bagel, sliced bread, buns) and ALWAYS a fruit. Sometimes it's not so good.. like pizza. But I've always got that fruit there. And lots of water. I eat more junk food when I get home though =\...but SOMEHOW i still managed to lose 1.5 pounds. I went from 145 to 143.5. So thats actually pretty nice. I'm hoping this can continue because I'm losing weight AND building muscle mass from all that weight training. So hopefully i'll look nice and toned by prom! =) I'm going to be taking aquatics next semester for my phys ed. At least I think I am. I need to get over the fact that there will be boys in that class o.O....I'm working on it.
Well.. alongside school, I've been juggling with three..sometimes four jobs. LOL. I've got my cashier job at the shoe store 2-3 times a week, then I take care of this senior for about 2 hours a day, 2-3 times a week. On sundays, I tutor the autistic boy. And SOMETIMES I teach photoshop/flash at the computer learning center once a week. At the moment, I just finished a course with one kid so until another kid comes along and I can fit it into my schedule, I don't have any classes there.
I'm also taking driving classes and getting examined on the 2nd of October =O... eeek.. I reeeeeeaalllllllyyyyyyyyy hope I'll pass. I am such a paranoid driver. I really really suck at driving. But I need to be able to to get places!
So it is sorta tough eating properly when I'm always on the run or rushing homework. I just sort of eat whatever I see around, whatever is fast. Most the time my mom has nice home cooked food either on the table or in the fridge. But if not, i might just eat a slice of bread.. or a snack cake =X
Okay. Thats it for now.
See ya later, alligator!
Emily
11 September 2007 @ 09:17 pm
Lalalaaaaaaaaa
Quite bored as my mother is insisting on watching Hell's Kitchen.
Anyway just wanted to say that I'm feeling really proud of myself, I have cut down the b/ping a lot recently and I feel so much better for it. I don't know exactly why I have suddenly got the strength to stop it, but I feel a lot more positive at the moment :)
My stomach feels so much less bloated!! The only thing is that I am consciously restricting again... if I don't I feel so out of control. I'm eating a lot more than I used to, maybe between 1300 and 1600 calories a day. I want to maintain at 8 1/2 stone, I feel happy like that. BUT the doc says I need a bit more weight than that. But I DON'T WANT to be heavier...
11 September 2007 @ 11:09 am
08 September 2007 @ 11:31 pm
September 8th
Where is everybody? Perhaps my super long messages have scared you people away! lol. Well.. I'll just keep talking anyway=P So School started on tuesday for me and it has been going pretty well. I am soooo determined to make this the best year of my high school life. And it is working. I am so much happier and just have less worries. I've taken a lot off my shoulders, I am not going to carry the burden of my ED and my anxiety and my past relationship with me any longer. It weighed me down before but now I am stronger. I almost feel as if nothing can break me now. I've gotten a lot better over this summer. I don't really know exactly how it happened but I am feeling really good. One thing is that I take care of myself and that I care about how I dress and how I look. But more importantly, I think i've finally stepped out of the little box I had been hiding in and looked at the whole world. And there is just sooo much more to life than this ED. It's not worth it. Two months ago I may have still had a tiny little voice in my head saying: "If you can control your eating, you can control everything, and you will be thin." But over the course of the summer, I've been telling that voice to shut up. And right now, I can hardly hear it. I've been having a couple of those super duper days that I stand in front of the mirror and don't think i'm ugly. In fact, I think I look pretty good. Because I've got my red bow in my hair, and my red shoes and my pretty purple blazer and I'm feeling good.
My eating is still something I need to take better care of. Because we all know, I need proper nutrition as fuel to help me think and to feel good and to carry me through the day. And if I keep eating like a kid, the way I do now, this energy is definitely not going to last me very long. Does anybody have any lunch ideas for me? The only things I eat are: tuna, eggs(whites/substitute), cheese(not a lot), all vegetables, beans, all fruits, all kinds of brown breads(sliced bread, english muffins, tortillas, pitas). Well, at least for lunch. I love cookies and cake and chocolate, but these would not be suitable for lunch. So I would like some help or ideas to come up with nutritionally balanced meals, that are really easy and quick to prepare(I wish I could eat frozen food all day) just so I don't get bored. These are things I already have for lunch, and I'd like some different ideas=)
-tuna salad sandwich w/ veggies and fruit
-egg salad sandwich w/ veggies and fruit
-fried egg sandwich w/ veggies and fruit
-cheese sandwich w/ veggies and fruit
-tuna with crackers
-tuna mixed with canned vegetables and a little italian dressing
-I've also got a couple cans of vegatble soups and pureed soups so I can try those also
Haha.. those are the best combinations I can think of with the foods I eat. Does anybody have a really good vegetarian soup recipe thats quick and can last me maybe 3 days or so for lunch? That would be awesome. I've made vegetarian chilli before and I bet it would be really good with crackers on a cold day. Next time I gotta watch the amount of paprika and nutmeg i put in it, it had wayyy too much fire for me to handle the last time.
So yep, so far things are going SUPERDUPER! I am finally accepting who I am and just reminding myself, that I am worth it and I'm not as fat as the mirror says I am. I'm lucky that i'm tall. My classes are pretty good too. In this semester, I have 1) Challenges & Changes in Society(A social science course that is probably going to be about sociology, maybe a little history about societies, etc.. (I dont really know=P)) 2) Chemistry 3) English and 4) A REEEEEEAAAAALLLLYYY intense gym class. My coach is creaming me! It is going to be hardcore training and weight room-ing. LOL. I am struggling a little bit with this one because it is co-ed and I get discouraged that I am the last one when we go outside for running. And I know I am always going to be the one who is going to drag the class down. The good things are though, that if I stay in that class, It should be easy marks and I am going to get nice and toned and for the past two years, I've always struggled with having enough energy to even make it through gym class. Before, I would just be too weak and tired to keep going. Now, I have plenty of energy.. just not enough endurance. Oh.. and this is a 'Josie' question=P: When I was in grade 9, (I'm in grade 12 now) I used to be a really good runner. This was just before my ED began. I had really good endurance and at a steady pace I could go on and on. But now when I run, I feel as if my heart can not keep up and I can't push myself to keep going. And I just wonder, when i was restricting for so long, I had my heart rate go down pretty low.. to about 41 when I was hospitalized. Do you think I might have done any permenant damage to my heart so that I struggle with running now? Or it has nothing to do with that at all? Because I know that my heart rate is at a normal, healthy rate right now. Just wanted to know why I suck at running=P
So yeh.. everything is going well, I haven't fell asleep in any class yet, I've been attending all of them, I have not bought food from the cafeteria, I don't talk to that girl that I needed to avoid... I have actually gone to the Academic Resources a couple times since school started..but I really needed a timetable change. And I haven't eaten anything in the deparment, so it's been good. And even my anxiety hasn't really been a problem at all! The one and only thing that sort of annoys me is that the two friends I have lunch with are having salad for lunch everyday. With no protein. Just green stuff. And it is making things difficult for me when I have a sandwich, and a salad and a fruit. Perhaps I just won't eat with them.
Okay.. gotta stop now! lol
**OH and just to add a little randomeness: I did two really stupid but funny things today. 1) I cut my finger with the blade of a brand new food processor, while whiping it dry. 2) I whisked up a meringue to semi-stiff peaks.. by HAND. (Did the whole egg seperating and adding sugar and cream of tartar stuff BEFORE I realized I had left the beater at my aunt's house-__-") But I won't REALLY realize how dumb that was until tomorrow, when my hand won't move.
Later dudes,
Emily!
03 September 2007 @ 10:19 pm
Well....i've started college now!
On my induction day i cried cos i was so stressed out ... not a great first impression!!!
Today i think was overall better....
My ED recovery will be kinda taking a back-seat for now. It's hard being at college - SO MANY skinny beautiful girls, in skinny jeans, tight tops, footless tights...what a way to feel inferior! It's hard too to be eating in a whole new unfamiliar canteen - panic over the majority of sandwiches being white bread, blah blah. There's also the temptation to fall back into EDness just because it's familiar and comforting: restricting would have made me feel more in control, and a b/p would have been 'good' too. I feel fortunate to have such a strong understanding of my ED now to know that doing such a thing would not only not help, but make things worse.
With depression, i'm coping okay. I keep having to keep talking to myself positively in my head, and not mentally beat myself up when things go wrong. Reallllllly hard to stay awake though with my massive anti-depressant dose though.
My anxiety disorder will be my biggest fight though. For some reason colleges (or schools) are more anxiety-provoking than any other situation. Being in a room full of people triggers panic attacks, and i feel constantly on-edge and stressed out while i'm there. I used to faint straight-out from panic attacks, several times a day, and often had fits too. Now i find that if i get myself out... like just walk out the room, i can avoid them. I still get shaky and teary and lightheaded..and have a tendency to shut myself away, throw up, cut and cry. Not the greatest coping mechanism ever!
On my induction day i cried cos i was so stressed out ... not a great first impression!!!
Today i think was overall better....
My ED recovery will be kinda taking a back-seat for now. It's hard being at college - SO MANY skinny beautiful girls, in skinny jeans, tight tops, footless tights...what a way to feel inferior! It's hard too to be eating in a whole new unfamiliar canteen - panic over the majority of sandwiches being white bread, blah blah. There's also the temptation to fall back into EDness just because it's familiar and comforting: restricting would have made me feel more in control, and a b/p would have been 'good' too. I feel fortunate to have such a strong understanding of my ED now to know that doing such a thing would not only not help, but make things worse.
With depression, i'm coping okay. I keep having to keep talking to myself positively in my head, and not mentally beat myself up when things go wrong. Reallllllly hard to stay awake though with my massive anti-depressant dose though.
My anxiety disorder will be my biggest fight though. For some reason colleges (or schools) are more anxiety-provoking than any other situation. Being in a room full of people triggers panic attacks, and i feel constantly on-edge and stressed out while i'm there. I used to faint straight-out from panic attacks, several times a day, and often had fits too. Now i find that if i get myself out... like just walk out the room, i can avoid them. I still get shaky and teary and lightheaded..and have a tendency to shut myself away, throw up, cut and cry. Not the greatest coping mechanism ever!
Current Mood: 
exhausted
exhausted03 September 2007 @ 05:00 pm
random
just love this new jewelery hanger i bought from downtown the other day and had to show it off=P
this is the most cluttered part of my room. With my sparkly princess puzzle in the background and my magic wand collection on the two sides. And of course, a picture of Amy Lee in the front
....and while I'm at it:
my kitty, Pixie sporting the new barrette i bought (although she wasn't too happy about it)
this is the most cluttered part of my room. With my sparkly princess puzzle in the background and my magic wand collection on the two sides. And of course, a picture of Amy Lee in the front
....and while I'm at it:
my kitty, Pixie sporting the new barrette i bought (although she wasn't too happy about it)
03 September 2007 @ 12:56 pm