Current mood:	confused
Entry tags:	oh my heck!

Meta on Missionaries, their rules, and the Church's attitude towards their work force
(This is not an excerpt, just answers to some questions I've been asked about missionaries. There is a portion of the book dedicated to the Mission process, as I - before I was married - almost left for a mission of my own. Thank [the god of your choice] that I didn't go.)



"I Hope They Call Me On A Mission When I Have Grown A Foot Or Two/
I hope by then I will be ready to preach and teach and work as missionaries do."

Hymn #169 in my old orange songbook. LDS kids learn this song from the age of 2. You are trained to hope for a mission, trained to understand that if you are a male, you will be going on a mission, because another quote all Mormon kids learn is "I will go and do the things that the Lord hath commanded." Not I'm gonna try, wouldn't it be fun if, but I will.

Girls can go on missions, but not at the same age as boys (that's how they try and control any hanky panky, you see.) Girls cannot go until they are 21, while boys "get their mission calls" at 19.

It's funny to me (now) that the LDS church loves to profess its belief in Free Will. Things are set in motion before we came to this earth, but you must choose your personal path. But you better not choose wrong, that's all I'm saying. Because if you chose wrong, you are personally responsible for all the souls you didn't bring along with you to the Promised Land.

If you're a 19 year old kid, not even sure of who you are, barely able to deal with acne, your boners, and your parents, now suddenly you're mature enough to hold the responsibility for the faceless masses you've not even met yet. Responsible for their eternal salvation.

So how many guys do you think don't go on missions? Not a lot. There are a lot of miserable, questioning, scared kids out there doing what they are told.

Before you head out to your mission area, you go to Provo, Utah to the Missionary Training Center, or MTC. This is where you learn the process of teaching, in a three week crash course if you're going to an English speaking region, or 6 weeks if foreign. They teach them how to approach people, the language and culture all in three/six weeks.

They train them to use a binder for any pictures and teaching material, but to hold it in your lap and close it UP, so their eyes are drawn to your intense, sincere faces. Please remember that Steven "7 Habits of Highly Successful People" Covey is LDS.

There is a specific order that they teach the "lessons" to potential members. They save all the wacky stuff for after they've baptized them, incidentally. That's when they teach you about things like tithing, becoming a God in the next life, that Mormons believe that Jesus is married to Mary Magdalene, that sort of thing. But hey, they've got you on the roles, so if you drift away, they still have the bump in numbers.

Another important thing to understand about the mission process: you pay for your OWN mission. Something to the tune of $600 US dollars a month, which, if you're in a third world country, that stretches pretty far. Think about all that your son/daughter is paying for: their room and board in many cases (some places have designated homes for LDS missionaries, but not everywhere) any clothing that needs replacing, food and gas money. 19 year old boy, paying for his own food, most likely for the first time. They usually have $150 dollars out of that 600 for food. That's per month. 19 - 21 year old boys, because they don't eat a lot.

Now, I have three young kids and I spend a couple hundred dollars on groceries every week and a half. What I'm saying is, even though you may not agree with their dogma, if you have a spare granola bar lying around when you see a missionary, give it to him, would ya? (You can make the caveat of you'll feed them if they don't proselytize. If it's at the end of the month when they're really hungry, you'll get no fight. I can guarantee that. *g*)

When you're on a mission, you are working for the Lord 24/7, period. There are no phone calls to chat to anyone. You can call twice a year from a members home to tell your parents you love them on Christmas and on Mother's Day. That's it. There is no going off any where by yourself. Except to the toilet. You are constantly with your companion. That was something that bugged me about Latter Days, aside from the flamboyant guy being SO over the top: you're never alone. Maybe for a few minutes here and there, but that is IT.

And here's the other thing: you are encouraged to rat on your companion if you see or even suspect them breaking any rule. What are the rules? There's over 100 of them, you can read them all here.

When your brief period with your companion is over (a missionary averages 6 -8 companions over the course of the 2 years they are gone, 18 months for girls - they're so delicate, the ladies) you have an exit interview with the man that oversees your mission area, the Mission President (or MP.)

This is when you're supposed to confess THEIR sins. If you have any, then you're supposed to confess, too.

Now, depending on the severity of the rule breaking, you might be re-assigned, you might be punished by having to work with the MP and have no contact with the other missionaries, or the worst, you'll be sent home in disgrace. EVERYONE will know what happened, because the LDS church is made up of old, gossipy ladies disguised as male leaders. Plus, every LDS member knows how long a mission is, they all know when you leave (your home parish/ward throws a special Sunday Service for exiting missionaries, and another one when they return in triumph) so if you show back up after 13 months, the jig is up.

When I was heading off to college, my step-father was in charge of all the missionary transportation. That meant that my house was crawling with eligible Mormon males at all times. Well, they weren't really eligible, and I knew that but... my older sister who never was a real member of the church, didn't.

Let's just say that one of the missionaries in the area and she got... close. And he "left early." As did his companion and about 6 other missionaries (notice the even number) for having girlfriends. My sister and her missionary got married, and eventually he was allowed back in the church. It was a massive scandal, dating a missionary. (I would like to state for the record that the other 7 guys were drinking it up and going to strip clubs.)

So there's no dating on a mission (they hope) which means that if you leave a girl behind, she'll do one of three things:

• wait for you (there's a famous character from a Mormon musical, Saturday's Warrior, named Wally Kestler that is asked "will I wait for you?" when he leaves for his mission. She does. Until she doesn't any more.)


• break it off so you can "focus on God" and hope that you'll get back together when you're home, meanwhile she's living it up back home


• say she's waiting and date around, resulting in a "Dear John" letter when she meets her real special someone

You're not supposed to write letters of a romantic sort. You can write her letters, but only on Monday (Preparation Day, aka when you do your laundry) and only about how strong your spirit is, how wonderful the Lord is, and how many baptisms you've performed that week - you can get in serious trouble for writing anything remotely romantic.

My cousin was assigned to Russia for his mission, back in '91. He was excited as he already spoke the language and loved the culture and rich history. Not one baptism. I mean, come on. It's Russia: In Soviet Russia Mother Russia baptizes you! Mormons don't practice Communism any more (they did during Joseph Smith's time, incidentally) and Russians don't care about Jewish Naval Indians building up America. America is the enemy! So, he came back completely depressed, because going on a mission is all about baptisms. Er, bringing people back to Christ's Church.

He became incredibly despondent and depressed, feeling like a complete failure for not bringing one sheep back into the fold. This went on for years.

Another family friend's son became incredibly ill in the third world country he was assigned to and almost died. And he kept trying to go back every time he was hospitalized. His sister was married to Joseph Smith's ancestor, he couldn't shame the family by having an incomplete mission! So he went to another place, in the US, and because the parasite that almost killed him wasn't completely out of his system, he collapsed again and was rushed to the hospital, almost dying a third time. He finally came home, defeated. It took him years to shake the feeling that he'd let every one down by not staying for a full 2 years. If his faith had only been stronger, he could have beat the illness!

It's madness, the pressure put on these kids.

And the church doesn't care. They don't pay for any medical care, they don't pay for their food or fresh water, they don't make sure they have protection in hostile areas...

The parasite kid? His older brother went to Columbia for his mission. He and his comp made a wrong turn on a jungle path, thinking they were entering a village. They entered a drug den, and were completely surrounded by guerrilla terrorists with automatic weapons pointing at their faces. It took several minutes for my friend to explain that they were missionaries and they'd made a mistake. Because of their dress, the guerrillas thought they were CIA agents.

They went home and went on about their business. The church didn't intervene, give them a day off to calm down, nothing.

You do know the Mormon church is the second wealthiest religion in the world, right? That's a lot of money. The clergy aren't paid in the Church, the missionaries pay for their own expenses, so the church gets free labor. They coerce their rolls to perform through fear of eternal damnation and no one says boo about it.

"I will go and do as the Lord hath commanded."

Say it without inflection, and that's about right: robots.

There's a real problem with guys committing suicide from coming home with an "unsuccessful mission." In fact, suicide is one of the leading causes of death in your males in Utah. For those that don't make a Final Decision, there's just good old depression. The number of Prozac prescriptions in the state of Utah per capita is higher than any where else in the U.S.

This is what the Lord hath commanded?