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You're Too Skinny! Eat A Sandwich!
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[Saturday the 23rd
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Since this community seems to be dead (I really don't want that to fucking happen people! It's ridiculous!). I'm referring you all to 0nlythreeweeks2.
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[Friday the 22nd
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mood |
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lucky. |
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music |
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reverend horton heat |
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i have the best college roommate ever. at least in eatin disorder terms. she and i are constantly finding things that we have in common with each other that anyone else in the school would be totally turned off by. but then she told me she was bulimic and i thought i must've been dreaming.
we're setting up a sort of support system for each other, dieting together and helping one another out. it's nice to be able to talk to someone about my eating disorder outside of an online forum. and if it staves off the freshman 15, then hell yes.
i've managed to lose about ten pounds, actually. which isn't much at all, but it's better than i was doing on my own. and considering this school keeps us stuffing our faces pretty much constantly, i feel fairly ok. if i can just keep my drinking to a minimum (boo empty calories) i think i might actually be able to close in on my goal of 100 lbs by new years.
good luck, everyone. be safe.
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[Thursday the 7th
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mood |
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puke. |
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music |
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bjork - possibly maybe |
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does anyone know where i can get a crash course in carbs?
i've been focused almost exclusively on calories, but i'm thinking that's probably not good. i want to be able to better watch my foods so i don't ruin everything i'm working for,
so...
if you could give me some information, or point me in the right direction of where to look, i'd really really really appreciate it.
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[Thursday the 31st
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mood |
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quietly happy. |
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music |
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drive by truckers - easy on yourself |
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i lost three pounds since yesterday.
and i have no one else to tell about it.
i really hope this keeps up.
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[Wednesday the 30th
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so lately i have thought of just eating normally and being normal again because i realized how much my eating disorder has hurt my family, distanced me from them, and made me depressed. and i lost my boobs. so i ate normally, but then i felt too guilty about it later and then i put on my billabong jeans and they weren't as loose as they were when iwas at johns hopkins so i decided that i am not going to eat normally now. i just can't do it.
there are people in my art class who talk about eating disorders all of the time. one of them has one, but theo thers are so superficial that htey just read the fashion magazines and are like "she's so skinny. i could never be anorexic. i love food" they are so stupid. they do not understand that an eating disorder is MORE than just the food. It 's a mental illness.
but they don't get it.
and hearing them say that annoys me. i feel like just going up them and saying "why do you talk about eating disorders like that? don't you realize how common they are? i used to have bulimia. (binge, then restrict/pills) it turns you into a compulsive liar, you lose weight, but you also lose your good grades, happiness and friends."
at the end of your eating disorder, you are emaciated, depleted of nutrition, lonely, depressed, and guess what....you gain all that weight back.
so what do you lose?
everything.
but not weight.
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[Monday the 28th
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mood |
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middle ground |
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music |
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eels - your lucky day in hell |
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ok, so i'm still nowhere near my goal, which is killing me.
BUT!
i have lost ten pounds since i last weighed myself. and i just started college, which i really believe will help. I haven't got anyone hounding me to eat, i have to walk everywhere (always up and down stairs), and there are tons of really skinny, gorgeous girls wandering around to remind me what i look like (or don't, rather). i'm optimistic, at least.
it also helps that i have a roommate my same height - 4'11 - who feels really guilty over food, on the verge of an ED herself.
how is everyone? i hope you're well.
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| hey i'm here...and i have something to say |
[Tuesday the 22nd
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hey gurls..i know it's been a while.
so today in one of my classes, two really skinny girls were talking about calories and various diets. lately i have been eating good foods (whole grains, veggies, fruits mostly) but i have stopped counting calories. when i heard them speak, i felt triggered to start restricting again.
you see, on my trip my parents watched me extremely closely and realized i had an eating disorder. they threatened to put me in a hospital if i didn't eat more. so i did...and felt really guilty about it, which led them to think that i am depressed.
but anyway, so i started eating 1,400ish cals, but really healthy foods.
and then when i heard these girls speak, part of me wanted to warn them that their 9th grade (i'm a senior) interest in nutrition must not turn too extreme, but i barely know them. and i'm not as skinny as they are, so they might think i'm just making all this up about my eating disorder.
but i don't think i have a problem anymore because i only feel guilty if i eat bad foods..meaning white rice, pasta that is not whole grain, and any white bread. or desserts.
but i haven't had my period since june..and i'm still taking the smart burn pills, although less frequently and small dosages.
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| gross. |
[Thursday the 17th
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mood |
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dumb, |
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music |
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fifteen - man against man |
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i have two weeks until i start college, and i am nowhere even close to my shortterm goal. i'm really looking forward to getting up there, though, where i don't have my family constantly trying to make me feel guilty for not eating with them, but it'd be nice not to show up as a heiffer. especially considering it's a women's college with tons of itty bitties walking around.
so, tomorrow i'm starting the super-hot supermodel diet of cigarettes and diet coke, so wish me luck. anyone want to fast with me?
what's the most you guys have ever lost in two weeks? anything?
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[Friday the 14th
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have you ever been SO ANGRY that you can actually feel your blood literally boiling and popping all your veins??? !!!!!!!LKJDASFLKHASLKHAFHASFKJNASFKH I AM SO PISSED I CAN'T EVEN. AAGH!
Yesterday, I fasted successfully and it felt SO FUCKING GOOD. Until dinner when I was on my way out to the mall where I would be "eating" when my parents made me eat at home with them so they could "monitor" it. I AM STILL SHAKING WITH RAGE!!!!!!
what's wrong with me?? eating a little bit makes you lose faster than fasting. and alleviates suspision. and. gah. i hate me. so that was thursday. friday i screwed the fast. shall i fast this weekend? i'm think alternating fasting and eating tiny bits will be really successful. just the problem is parents. or the option is fast all the time unless forced to eat. which actually works well. but. hmmm. ugh. i want to fast 100%. i live for that. i get high from that pretty much. gross. i'm so stupid. but, i do what i have to do. and i have to do this.
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[Saturday the 1st
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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Malibu - Hole |
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So I'm going to be starting taking Tae Kwon Do or Karate soon. Probably next week or so. I was just wondering if it's going to give me some gross beefy muscles, 'cause if it will I'm not going to take it. I don't want big gross beefy muscles. I don't want muscles at all. I don't want anything but skin and bones. Anyway it's good for flexibility which is why I plan on taking it. Oh, and the fact that I'm a huge wiener and can't defend myself at all, ahaha! Anyway, does anyone else take it and is it good exercise for toning and not gross beefy muscles? I know this is a little inane but... If anyone could answer my questions that'd be great. =D
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