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I am both sad and happy [entries|friends|calendar]
_feel_infinite_

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I am both sad and happy
and I am still trying to figure out how that could be.

_feel_infinite_

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April 3rd, 2012 3:30 am
Contagion. [
]

dustyrecord
Quite a bit behind hereCollapse )

1 Comment Reply Add to Memories Edit

February 21st, 2012 10:26 pm
[
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thequietonexx
HEY!
this community seems to have died.. but i want to get it going again. I am a new mod/maintainer.
how is everyone going? do any of you have any suggestions for _feel_infinite_ ? i'd love to hear your suggestions! and also how is you life going?
take care
rose

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March 30th, 2011 11:56 pm
[
]

chikenmcnuggets
She is my best friend.  And she makes me feel infinite because she is one of the only people in the world that can make me smile without having to do a single thing.

But at the same time...she makes me seethe with jealousy.  She is everything I've ever wanted to be.  She has the looks, the wit, the singing voice.  Guys fall at her feet hoping she would notice them.  She is the subject of many poems and songs written at my school.  Guys constantly get at me to get at her.  I'm always the one they ask for advice for because I'm her best friend.  I'm the one who reads their poems and songs and has to listen to the reasons why she's so incredible. I see the way they look at her and I see the way other girls envy her.  Yet she is one of the most fickle, insecure girls I have ever met.  She turns away guys like one would turn away a leper, yet complains that no guy would ever date her or like her.  She laments that she's ugly and will never be beautiful enough.  She excels in the things I hold dear without even trying.  She's always been able to take the things that define me and do them better.  She's always been able to write better poetry, write better stories, make better music, get all the acting roles I want.  All without trying.  Just today, she didn't even have to audition and she got the role that I wanted.  She was seen and picked and that was that.  She's always been picked for the better roles and I'm never given a chance.  They see her before they even notice me.

She is my best friend.  And I love her more than anyone because she's always been there for me.  She's never done a thing to hurt me; not on purpose, at least.  And she makes me feel infinite...but takes it away all at the same time...

2 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

March 28th, 2011 12:30 am
[
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nonesteisimilis
[ mood | hopeful ]

We broke up just over three years ago. You have dominated my feelings and my mind, pretty much consistently, for close to five years. I'm only 19 - this is ridiculous. You haven't spoken to me for around three weeks, and I have no idea why. It's killing me.

But for the first time, in three years, as much as I am both sad and happy, and cannot quite work out how that could be... I am beginning to feel infinite again. I am beginning to finally feel free.

Until you start talking to me again, throwing me right back in at the deep end. Please don't. I can't do this again.

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March 14th, 2011 8:35 pm
[
]

homgsh
it has been so long. i completely forgot to post these here. if you remember my post about my perks independent study project...here are my polaroids for each novel. :)

perksCollapse )
to kill a mockingbirdCollapse )
this side of paradiseCollapse )
peter panCollapse )
the great gatsbyCollapse )
a separate peaceCollapse )
the catcher in the ryeCollapse )
on the roadCollapse )
naked lunchCollapse )
waldenCollapse )
hamletCollapse )
the strangerCollapse )
the fountainheadCollapse )

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March 7th, 2011 2:11 pm
[
]

homgsh






best show ever. i can't even describe it.

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February 27th, 2011 1:54 am
[
]

paper_pickle808
Let me tell you a little story...Collapse )

1 Comment Reply Add to Memories Edit

February 12th, 2011 5:53 pm
[
]
tellthetabl0ids
My apologies in advance for the scrambled thoughts of this post- i'm just spewing out anything that comes to mind.


Sometimes, the internet is my favourite person to talk to, or a stranger. Someone who will not judge me and who will just listen. After high school all of my friends went away in one form another, but mostly just moved on from our group of friends. I never go out with them (not to be a snob or stubborn, but because they already have plans, or they're going to the bar, which is not my scene). To be honest, I don't have friends anymore, or anyone to talk to about the warfare that's going on in my head. I have my boyfriend (and as much as a love him and as great of a listener as he is, he is a big reason why my friends and I have lost contact. He is also leaving overseas for a year and a half this summer). My family doesn't listen or take me seriously, and they have no idea what is going on.

I've always been a perfectionist. It's lead to a lot of good things and a lot of bad, disordered eating and depression being one of the worst things. I've gotten better, but it'll always plaque me. All I've ever wanted to be was a dancer. I started when I was 2- I'm almost 19 now. I recently transferred to a different dance school, with a lot of competitive dancers (for anyone who has ever seen So You Think You Can Dance, I dance with one of Brian Friedman's proteges). I like it, but being who I am (extremely self-critical and lacking in self-confidence, but needing to be perfect), all I can see is what I can't do and how awful I am and how I'll never be what I want to be. The worst part is that my younger sister is living my dream. At this moment she is in Toronto preparing to dance in Brian Friedman's fashion show. She's the prettier, skinnier, smarter, more talented, better version of me. I'm the mediocre, mentally ill version of her. Our living room is filled with her trophies, my parents dote on her. I am happy for her, but it's really painful to know that I failed.

I feel small and useless, and trapped and alone.

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February 10th, 2011 1:27 am
[
]

homgsh
i wish we had more infinite moments. my friends and me and all of you and me. this community was always infinite, it felt like. and, sometimes i think we all just had our time and our infinity has run out, but it shouldn't. it never should. my school's mission is "that the natural state of the human spirit is ecstatic wonder! that we should not settle for less!" wallflowers, i wish we could stop settling for the finite. strive for the infinite moments. and while i say this, i also caution you and say you should not let your wonderment cause you to lose track of reality.

i hope you are all well. even when you are not, i will believe that you are. i hope the reason we have all been failing to document our infinite moments is because w e are out there truly living and participating and experiencing the ecstatic wonder and infinity that life has to offer us.

i am not always well, i'd probably be insane to pretend that i was. but, please when you think of me, think of me as being well. because maybe then, your good thoughts will get to me and i will be well once again.

i love and miss you all in this community. and i hope it hasn't died and won't die soon. _feel_infinite_ is where i have found some of my greatest livejournal friends.

anyways, goodbye for now.
love, taylor.

1 Comment Reply Add to Memories Edit

February 8th, 2011 7:59 pm
[
]

tangibletime

5 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

February 1st, 2011 5:02 pm
[
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homgsh
My college has Independent Study during the entire month of January. A few friends and I decided to read all of the books that Bill assigns to Charlie for our ISP. We each wrote a letter from the perspective of a character in each novel to Charlie and then, did a creative project. My project was to take a Polaroid of something symbolic or important from each novel. I decided I'd post my letters to this community and I will post my Polaroids once I've gotten a chance to scan them all. Each letter will be under a different cut in this post because that's the only organized way I can think of to do it without spamming up your flists with 12 different posts. I hope you guys like this as much as I did. :)

To Kill A MockingbirdCollapse )
This Side of ParadiseCollapse )
Peter PanCollapse )
The Great GatsbyCollapse )
A Separate PeaceCollapse )
The Catcher In The RyeCollapse )
On the RoadCollapse )
Naked LunchCollapse )
WaldenCollapse )
HamletCollapse )
The StrangerCollapse )
The FountainheadCollapse )

I will post my Polaroids soon; in the mean time enjoy my words!

love, taylor.

3 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

December 2nd, 2010 5:30 pm
Best Friends and Husbands and First Crushes [
]

rubric_kolinahr
My best friend was at my wedding. He was one of 25 there. His wife came and we had a great time.

There was a lull in the party and he came to stand by me. "You remember in Middle School when we were never apart?" I smile in thinking about it. "Yup."

"I just want to...apologize. I know it's a decade too late but...I knew you liked me. Liked me enough that it made you cry and I didn't know how to deal with that so I ignored it. It probably made it hurt worse. You were my best friend and--"

"Best friends don't like each other. I know. I tried to set you up with girls, hoping it'd go away but," I shrug. "I was dumb and 14. It never would've worked anyway."

"Truth. Because that man over there is the luckiest in the world."

He was my first crush but he was right. It never would've worked out anyway. And I'm glad it didn't because I have my best friend and my husband.

2 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

October 18th, 2010 9:23 pm
Until then. [
]

mahoganymagic
[ mood | blank ]

Screw the odds. I am gonna fight, 'till I drop on my knees, feel the excruciating pain, till it takes over my body. Yeah. Screw the odds. But please remind me of what I am fighting for.

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October 17th, 2010 11:52 am
[
]

homgsh
you know what's infinity? cold nights driving 20 over the speed limit with the windows down and metal blasting.

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August 26th, 2010 4:19 pm
[
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dearwallflow3r
I am living on an island where all things not only ARE old fashioned, but FEEL old fashioned, as well. A couple nights ago I had the luck I had sought so often before, I got to attend a live performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show!
I felt so entranced and amazed, so excited. It flew into my mind like a reminder that I want to be a part of something creative like that. Some artistic journey.

There are signs in white posted a new on the fading builboards of downtown. I shriek and shrug. I notice an add, which says: Auditions for a play! I will call these people up and suggest my painting talents for their set design/. Also, I will request a copy of the script and perhaps audition.

In all cases, I want to remind you all that all is possible. I think the books main message is to participate in life in order to discover its joys upclose-firsthand-in REAL. and the rocky horror show also kind of encourages one to step away from their comfort zones in order to truly become amazing. (Dont dreaaam it.....be-hee iiiiit)

I had not written to you in a year and needed too, for this community is held in importance in my memory. Nice to be back, fellow journalers....I have stories to share and cant wait to explain them with the computer key. IN the mean time. Have a great day.

1 Comment Reply Add to Memories Edit

August 19th, 2010 5:09 pm
Scylla of Perception and the Charybdis of Reality, that is love. [
]

rubric_kolinahr
A line I found amusing and know I heard somewhere before.

And no, not particularly mushy. Or at least I wasn't trying to be. More thoughtful/thinking outloud than anything else.

I was asked about love today by my 40 year old co-worker; she wondered why she still loved her husband after 8 years and he's not a very good one. Not terrible but just not very good. All I could do was shrug and offer this: Love is blind, love is relative, love doesn't let you pick, and love can be one of the most beautiful or most foul things in the world.

People love you until they don't. And then what?

She looked at me funny but *is* dependent on someone loving you back. They say it and you have to believe it--or not. There's really no other way to go about it. We choose to believe. We've got to believe because it matters so much to us. Take away the structure of it and then what? You get songs and poems and movies and stories about love gained, love lost, searching for love, looking for love. It's half biological function designed for two humans to stay together and raise children, half social construct, half part of the intangible matter of the universe.

Yes, too many halves.

So you could end up in a situation like M* that places the woman on a pedestal, a thing to be worshiped from far away--or like many of the people I know and end up in hot, passionate burn-to-brightly affairs. Two things seemingly wrong. Or in stable, boring, mundane sort of love. Sweat pants love. I-can't-do-any-better love. Comfortable love. Another thing seen as wrong.

I can't speak on the matter accurately. I fell in love, it was puppy love that morphed into something that grabbed me by the nose (perhaps both of us by the nose) and demanded that nothing and no one forced us apart no matter if it was parents or schools or money. A priestess to the whims and idea of love, giving everything to it that I could so I could wrap myself in it.

And now? More rational. It simmers like a roast that will take hours to make but is more soul satisfying than fast food. But I've only loved one man and occasionally I feel...awkward?--unable to empathize with certain situations that present themselves to my friends whom I consider family when they ask relationship advice. What do I know?

I try to approach them, my friend's problems I mean, rationally. Really, I do. But it wasn't rationality that made me turn down a full ride to the University of Florida and put myself $30,000 in debt. It wasn't rationality for D* to give up his inheritance from his grandmother, something on the order of $100,000. Presented by any of those things and rationally, I'd say, "Take the money!"

But I said, this love thing isn't rational. So I think my advice would be bad because I try to see it that way for their benefit and I know they're thinking with their heart. The problem being I do as well; the whole 75% heart/25% head thing. But like I told D* two days ago, there's not much room for people like me in the world. I speak from within, my goal and my career is something I want to be...loving. Helpful. Warm. Thoughtful but inspiring others to learn and grow, to become more than they are in that moment.

Corporate landscape however (and hell, even at some scholarly institutions) require guile and tact--honey tipped tongues and well timed shank-eyes. Cold, calculating, with only the barest hint of feeling. Which I can do but it wears on me. Slowly like water drained from a cup.

So there's really no point in this entry. Just me, thinking quietly with the fan on, remembering the events of last night.

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July 28th, 2010 8:35 pm
[
]

callmetish
[ mood | melancholy ]

Dear friend,

I think too much. I cant help myself. I analyse how people act around me and how the speak; the words they say, and all the sub-text that comes with it. It shuts me off from people a little. I can never be certain of people or if they are just humouring me. I'm quite an odd girl; Even if I am only twenty years old, I feel like I have lived alot longer. I think sometimes I come across as shy, or rude because I don't know what to say around new people; New people never know how to re-act to me (they think I'm pretentious).

I have a few good friends, and I love them dearly, but I just wish that people could see past all the odd and obscurity, and see the kind, sweet, endearing person I am told I am. Why can't people see this?

Charlie

8 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

June 27th, 2010 10:09 pm
Dear Friend, [
]

paper_pickle808
The Razor's Glide
You drag the silver blade across your skin
And coax the blood from deep within your veins.
Those salty tears that come from deep within
Attempt to dull and deaden all your pains.
With anchored eyes that cannot look away,
You gracefully observe the razor’s glide,
Surrendering to predator as prey,
As torture and tranquility collide.
This peaceful painful haven you have made,
Converting inner pain to open gash,
Deceptively assures your grief will fade,
But only gives you reasons more to slash.
Because of this, the agonies of life
Will never find true solace in a knife.

2 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

June 15th, 2010 12:01 am
[
]

homgsh
I've replaced cutting with sleeping.

3 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

June 14th, 2010 4:33 pm
[
]

dustyrecord
I'm caught up in my mind again.

It happens too much anymore -getting stuck between the wearing pages of my thoughts- and I don't know how to escape it. People say that the only thing you can never be safe from is yourself; I think the only thing you can never be safe from is your mind. Your mind isn't your entire person. Your mind houses everything you know you've done wrong, every secret you should have told, every bad thing you've witnessed. It houses your guilt, your anger, your happiness and your depression.

And here I sit -typing away at the keyboard- the setting is my mind, the cook's special is everything I know. The day my childhood best friend moved away, the day I figured out how to ride a bicycle, the moment I realized she was a mistake, the one person I want back in my life. Everything playing, playing, like it's a made for t.v. movie that was cut after it's debut.

And I find myself asking, 'Maybe it's too late to change what's happened in the past, but is it too late to change the future?' I don't know.

2 Comments Reply Add to Memories Edit

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