Hello again everyone. I know that it has been a long time since I truly updated. For those of you that actually care I must apologize. I did not attend the Psychologist appointment. I don't know if it was fear, or plain stupidity. I have called to reschedule though, but they can't give me a new date for a couple of months yet. I actually set back and took a look at my life here recently. The day before I was to go, I typed a huge long entry for LJ but couldn't bring myself to post it so I saved it on my hard drive instead. I think that the time has come to go ahead and type it up and post it. It may explain a lot to some of you, or explain very little to all of you, on that I am not sure.
( Past Entry. First typed up on 21-January-2006.Collapse )
Well, I am not sure, but I think it is my fear of that actually happening that made me cancel the appointment. That it is my fear of being locked away from the people I love and care about, that it is my fear of being put on something that will make it so that I don’t think for myself, or that both will happen to me. Now I know that there is nothing wrong with being put on something. That there is no shame in taking anti-psychotics, or anti-Depressants, but I fear that by being put on them that I will become someone less then who I am. That I will no longer be able to be who I use to be. I know people that are on some drugs for their problems, and it has made it where they don’t seem to care about anything or anyone. And when they start caring, they have their dosage upped and go back to not giving a shit once again. And even though that is where I almost am now, I still care about some things, about some people. To me, to stop caring about everything and everyone would be worse then death. Is the fact that I care about this at all a good sign? Does it mean that there is hope for me? Maybe I need to drop all my so called “Friends” and start again. Maybe by loosing those that seem to lead me into my destructive habits I can enact at least some change in my life. Maybe I need to stop thinking about it all together and just sit back on the doctor’s chair or couch and tell him that I need to be locked away and tell him exactly why I feel that way. But my fear of losing everyone comes back in against me.
On the up side of things. Tuesday I will get paid then it is straight off to the Car Dealer to pick up my new (Now that’s a joke. The body and seats prove that it is anything but new) car. Guess that means that by the third of the month I will be completely broke again. I am also looking into finding a second job to help out with the bills. Maybe I will go back to being a waiter in a restaurant. I mean, the tips would be great and I know that I can do good at that job. Maybe I can actually end up getting my TV turned back on with out having to lose something else. Not that I have much else to lose. Lets see, Gas, Electric, Telephone, Car, House, Insurance. Nope, not a huge list there to loose.
Well, before I start sounding too pathetic I guess I will end this entry. I just want everyone to know that I will get better, I just don’t know when or how. I am going to spend some major time focusing on taking care of myself, on working on healing. Maybe I will end up going back to some of my old ways. Go back to reading the bible again. Maybe go back to studying acupuncture and having it done again. Maybe go back to my eastern studies of Aroma Therapy. Go back to meditation. Anything to stay who I am and not be changed too drastically.
As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome and greatly appreciated.