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18 March 2006 @ 09:28 am
We [remember_nomore & gwyddfid] have decided to convert __cake__ into a full fledged fic and continue the saga that we have come to know so well. Cat and I will be going from the beginning and then continuing on with their journey.

__cake__ started as a little fic by Cat and grew into a verse that neither of us ever realized ever existed. We hope that you enjoy this journey as we enjoy telling it.

Please feel free to come read and join us here: cake_fic.

Thank you to everyone past and present who has been reading and giving us feedback that has kept us going with this journey for the past year plus.
 
 
You've Left Me: jubilantjubilant
 
 
06 September 2005 @ 01:17 am
You'd think that in my former line of work nothing would surprise me, now though, I can say that I have been surprised. Tara Mclay has thrown my entire world off it's fucking access, and I'm not exactly all that worried about it. I should be, considering I've now literally gotten into bed with a vampire. A Vampire whose soul is somehow still in her, which the similarities to Angel notwithstanding, is probably a good thing cause I'm thinking she'd have killed me last night otherwise.

Ah, and to top it all off, her sire tried to have demon's kill me a few weeks ago and I'm still not completely healed from the attack. It didn't stop me from fucking her a few times last night, but it's really not the point.

While I'd love to go find Spike in the heat of the day, armed with holy water, a few crosses and a fuck ton of stakes, I'm stuck heading to the butchers to get my lover some food. Not that I haven't entertained the notion of having more pleasurable ways to feed her, but I'll see what I can do to stablize her mind before i let her go sucking on my neck. Other parts of me though? That's another story all together.

Last night after I managed to get her calmed down and let her seduce me back into bed we fell asleep. I always thought about what it would have been like to get Darla into my bed, sex, sleeping you know I even had some misguided notion involving monogomy, but I'm not that stupid now. Even so I always got nervous with her in my apartment, even when I knew she couldn't have hurt me if she tried. Thing was if she hadn't needed me to help her get into Angel's fucking pants I would have been drained dry. Never trusted the bitch enough not to lock my door when I was sleeping. God I was a fucking idiot when it came to her.

I guess maybe the same is still true cause I'm shelling out enough cash to finish off my fucking tattoo's just to get Tara's blood. She was still sleeping when I left, maybe I should be comforted that she can't leave during the day even if she wanted to, cause I'm thinking any second she's going to bolt like a scared deer and I'm never going to see her again.

Don't like thoughts like that, and I really don't like how much I'm not liking it. I'm a fucking idiot and I know it. Getting involved with her is just asking for disaster, it's asking for a big fucking ass kicking all around.

When I get back to the room she's wrapped up in the sheets naked as a jay bird underneath and I have to resist crawling back into bed with her. Something about a naked woman in my bed, knowing exactly what I could be doing with her, it didn't inspire me to sit at the desk and look over files I knew would piss me off.

I did anyway, I put the blood in the fridge and sat down at the desk and started looking through the extensive file I had on the senior partners and the firm. I'd stolen a lot of Lilah's personal files about them as well. If I was going to stay under their radar I had to know everything I could and this was the ticket to that.
 
 
30 June 2005 @ 11:34 pm
I woke with a start, ghostly echoes of the screams of the dying in my head, the phantom memory of their blood on my lips. What a bloody dream – literally –my stomach was growling and my cock hard as a rock because of it. The demon having its revenge on me I’d wager, couldn’t care less though, ‘cause me and my girl were…

Hold on.

“Tara…?”

But my voice only echoed softly into the dimness of room, sitting up and peering into the gloom. Well, where the bloody hell was she, then? Bloody hell, if she’d skittered off somewhere to have a sulk then I don’t know what bloody more I could do. I’d been more than a gentleman to her last night, catered to every whim and been gentle as a sodding lamb, whole time the demon inside me was screaming but I did it anyway, cause she needed it, so if she was having another attack of the post-coital guilts then I…

But I lost my train of thought when I saw a sheet of folded paper lying on the cushions beside me. Right where Tara should be lying, I thought indignantly. Right then, notes now, was it? Well they were never a good sign, ‘specially where my bird was concerned. Reaching over, I picked up the note and unfolded it slowly, the whole time my gut twisted anxiously because it was obvious she wasn’t in the shop. I couldn’t smell her anymore.

Suddenly I didn’t want to read her sodding note. Suddenly I realised something was bloody wrong with this picture.

Spike –
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you with all my heart, you are everything to me. Please remember that.


All right, well four I love yous in the same sentence can’t be all bad, right…? ‘cept I had a horrible feeling that those words were the proverbial calm before the storm…

Don’t be mad at me that I’m not there.

Well, I was bloody getting there…

Last night…it was…I couldn’t find the words, they haven’t created it. I love you so much and last night was more wonderful then I can ever even think of putting into words.

It all sounded like hearts and flowers, but I was starting to get angry…and worried. A bloody twisting sick feeling started to rise in my gut…like I knew what was going to be coming next…

I need to go away. Just for a little while. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I need to go away, I need to go and be with someone who understands what’s going on inside me now. The constant struggle is wearing down on me, and you too. I know it is. I know that it’s frustrating for you. It is for me too.

I love you with all my heart, I loved you human and I love you still. We have centuries to be together now to prove it. But I know if I don’t go away and do what I need to do that I won’t have that long with you.

Forever is something I want with you. I need to fix myself so I can give it to us, and it wouldn’t be right any other way.

Please, don’t look for me, I can’t worry about you and get myself better at the same time. Worry about you, get yourself settled. You could even look for a place for us if you don’t want the crypt anymore. I know, I’m reaching. Anywhere I am with you is home.

I love you William, with every last beat of my heart. I’m doing this for you, for us. I need to go and see someone who will understand, I know he will and maybe I can find a balance I can live with.

I promise, I won’t be gone long, just the simple movement from your arms felt like forever. I can’t stand to be away for long and I promise I won’t be.

Love you always. Forever. I will see you soon.

Tara


Well, bollocks.

“Fuck.”

I crushed the paper in my fist and stood slowly, walking into the middle of the room and staring into the predawn gloom, problem was, the only thing I could see was her beautiful face…and the only thing I could feel was her absence.

“Fuck, fuck, FUUUUCK!”

Oh yeah, and just a smidge of mind-numbing rage.

Before I knew it all I had one of the old training axes that was lying about in my white-knuckled fist and was hacking into the straw filled training dummy. The whole time, all I could see was that treacherous bitches face. A thousand different emotions raged inside me; anger at her, shame that I was so angry with the woman I loved, fear and hurt and…

“Fuck HER!” I yelled and with one swing had that poncy dummies head off and rolling on the floor. That’s where his’ll be too, I thought. That is if it’s got time to hit the tiles before it turns to dust.”

One sentence ran through my head over and over again and I could almost hear her saying it:

” I need to go away, I need to go and be with someone who understands what’s going on inside me now.”

How could she? How could she do it when she knew how I bloody felt about him? Understand her? Fuck, I never should have mentioned him. Why the bloody hell did I anyway? Oh yeah, yeah that’s right, out of sheer sodding desperation that’s why I mentioned that unbelievable wanker. Sheer desperation to help the woman I loved, and what did I get for it? Betrayal, that’s what. Just like bloody always.

Understand her? Who could possibly understand her better than me? I bloody made her, for a start. Not to mention that I was the one that sat though all her sodding tantrums and bathed her wounds, fixed her when she prattled on about being broken. The sodding bint!

Trouble was I knew what she really meant by it. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t. She was talking about the soul. She meant that he understood her soul…or at least how she felt to have one while….Oh sod that! They’d probably be shacking up as we spoke, setting up a nice little house with a white picket fence, just pointy enough to remind them what bad, nasty monsters they were so they could spend the rest of eternity brooding and….

“Fuck, sod, FUCK!” I yelled again and hurled the axe through the air.

Glass shattered loudly and feel away, revealing the rapidly fading stars. Sun was close, but not that close. In fact, it wasn’t much later than it had been when we went to sleep, which meant…maybe I could still catch her.

With that desperate thought in mind, I spent the next five minutes frantically searching for my clothes and hauling them on, and the next few after that breaking into the till and pilfering the previous day’s takings. Bloody pitiful amount too, that money grubbing bint, Anya probably took most of it home and slept with it under her sodding pillow. God knows she’d need a little comfort though, having to sleep next to Harris all night long.

I shivered at the thought and pocketed the cash.

The first whiff of the approaching sun reminded me that was ticking on, and I had my girl to fetch. I walked towards the back door, but as an after thought went back and picked up the book with the soul-removal spell in it. Yeah, I knew how she felt about it, but if she wanted to play dirty then I could bloody see her dirty and raise her one cruel bastard.

The sun was real bloody close and I was hard pressed to find one in time. Sodding California and it takes half an hour to find a car with tinted windows, who’d’ve bloody believed it? But I found one in the end, breaking in wasn’t a chore and well, getting it started; piece of sodding cake…oh yeah, I still had it.

And even though I hadn’t had a proper throw down in a while, I still had it in the hand to hand stakes too. I grinned and turned down Main Street on my way to the highway. Still had it, and after I got to LA and found my girl, I’d show him just how far I’d come. Been waiting for a chance to give that ponce what he deserved…and it seemed to me that now was the perfect time.

I wasn’t standing for him stealing my women anymore.

“Hope you’ve got the good china ready, Angel,” I said to myself, grinning and flooring the gas, “Cause guess who’s coming to bloody dinner.”
 
 
27 June 2005 @ 10:40 pm
My dreams were filled with images that I wanted to do anything to scrub them out of my memory. I wasn’t sure what made my heart hurt more, killing people or the idea of Spike and I fighting for years.

Maybe even centuries.

I opened my eyes and looked over at him, he looked content with his arms around me. I was content watching him sleep, but my mind wouldn’t stop running. I didn’t know what would happen to us now, after last night – the fighting included. Our relationship can’t handle more fighting, it’s wearing us both down.

He promised to give me my night, give me what I wanted and feed the bit of humanity inside me. He did that, he did just as he promised - and more - now it was my turn to do something for us. I had to find a way to keep my sanity, keep myself from having the breakdowns and putting more stress on our relationship.

Slowly I pulled myself from his arms, bending down and kissing him before I got up to walk around the shop. Maybe even clear my head. I didn’t bother with clothes, there wouldn’t be anyone here at this hour and I frankly didn’t care. Seems like another freedom I have, not caring.

How deadly for a person who did nothing but when she was human…

I glanced at the clock and saw that it wasn’t even four in the morning. There was time before sunrise that I could leave if I wanted to. I know I thought about it but actually doing it…I don’t know if I could.

My eyes settled on the book near the counter that was filled with the darkest magick. I picked it up and started reading the spell again for removing someone’s soul.

That would be so easy wouldn’t it? Take the ‘easy’ way out and make it so I never care again. That idea just made me feel sick inside. I don’t know who I’d be then and what if…what if I hurt someone. Even worse, someone I love.

Pushing the thoughts out of my mind that I could even think of doing this spell on myself I started looking through the book and I came across a spell to give someone their soul.

There was writing around the edges and I knew it was Willow’s. The temptation to read any further made me close the book tight and shove it across the room.

How could I even fathom doing that to Spike when I got upset for trying to do the opposite to me? It’s wrong, it’s inhuman and…it’s not me.

But isn’t my problem not knowing who I am? Why did one person come to mind when I tried to think of who could – and would – help me?

Taking deep breath’s I stood up and looked around the room, the stubbornness that I got from my father coming out to play as I decided that I needed to go, I needed to find someone to help me, find a balance and…something.

I bent over the counter and started to write, the tears started even before I finished his name. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to do this. For both of us.

Spike –
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you with all my heart, you are everything to me. Please remember that.

Don’t be mad at me that I’m not there.
Last night…it was…I couldn’t find the words, they haven’t created it. I love you so much and last night was more wonderful then I can ever even think of putting into words.

I need to go away. Just for a little while. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I need to go away, I need to go and be with someone who understands what’s going on inside me now. The constant struggle is wearing down on me, and you too. I know it is. I know that it’s frustrating for you. It is for me too.

I love you with all my heart, I loved you human and I love you still. We have centuries to be together now to prove it. But I know if I don’t go away and do what I need to do that I won’t have that long with you.

Forever is something I want with you. I need to fix myself so I can give it to us, and it wouldn’t be right any other way.

Please, don’t look for me, I can’t worry about you and get myself better at the same time. Worry about you, get yourself settled. You could even look for a place for us if you don’t want the crypt anymore. I know, I’m reaching. Anywhere I am with you is home.

I love you William, with every last beat of my heart. I’m doing this for you, for us. I need to go and see someone who will understand, I know he will and maybe I can find a balance I can live with.

I promise, I won’t be gone long, just the simple movement from your arms felt like forever. I can’t stand to be away for long and I promise I won’t be.

Love you always. Forever. I will see you soon.

Tara


Wiping my eyes with the back of my hand I stood up and left the note where he’d find it. I couldn’t bring myself to walk back into that room because I knew my heart would win over my mind and I would stay. Crawl back into his arms and pretend I never woke before him.

I slipped on some new clothes from our trip and pulled my jacket on before heading out. I must have paused four or five times as I opened the door. I was afraid of what would happen if I left.

I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.

It started raining as soon as I was at the corner from the shop. I wasn’t too sure where to look. Apartments or motels, I’ve never done this before and to be honest - I didn’t know him that well.

He just seemed like someone that just might understand or maybe even help me. I don’t know how or why I got that feeling but then again I didn’t have anyone else. I was alone – save for Spike – but he wouldn’t and couldn’t understand, he was too far into the picture to be objective about it.

I decided to let the monster that now lived inside me take over and I followed his scent that I remembered from the shop. It took me nearly and hour to find his old beat up truck at one of the apartment buildings on the edge of town.

The rain now soaked through my jacket and clothes, the jeans I was wearing were hurting my skin, I felt like I was being ripped apart. Then again I already felt like that leaving Spike behind.

Following his scent up to the third floor I found his door at the end of the hall. I knocked softly –I was scared, make that terrified, of what would happen. Quickly shoving my hands into my pockets I hunched my shoulders even as the tears ran down my face and waited; half tempted to chicken out and walk away. Hoping he wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to be the chicken.

I hope he’s here…
 
 
You've Left Me: scaredscared
 
 
08 June 2005 @ 05:50 pm
What fucking luck. I had to de-rail my further tattoo appointments because I got attacked. Yeah you heard me right I got fucking attacked. By some demon's that fucking asshole vampire Spike sent after me.

Someone's got some jealousy issues.

Apparently I made a bigger impression on Tara than Spike liked, now that should make me happy, but the few broken ribs I'm still healing from? Yeah not so much, if I see her again I'm going to tell her exactly what I think of her boyfriend and her for being with ... it. He's part of Angel's fucking family. Family. If you want to call it that. From what I hear William the fucking bloody probably hates Angel as much as I do.

Doesn't make me want to get cuddly with the bastard.

Fucker.

I plan on polishing a special stake for that cock sucker, and I'll make Tara watch when I throw that sharp stake into her lovers heart. I'd say I don't get the attraction but there's always Darla. Well, Darla was human when I fell in love with her, so if you want to get techinical.

More of Angel's family. Nothing but trouble follows that bastard and of course, somehow I end up in the heat of it, over and fucking over again.

Why the hell do women hold such power? Women are the breathe and the goddamn core of the whole damn universe. Mother earth and all that bullshit. You'd think after a millenia we'd find something to sheild ourselves? But, one look and one sweet damn smile and we're just cave men, we don't care about logic or reason or the world. Not our plans or our hatred, nothing matter but one more look or sweet smile.

Damn her.

I want to hate the woman I've known for less than a day. Hate her for not wanting me, or maybe wanting me but ignoring it. I want to hate her for going to him, staying with him, for being so damn beautiful, so nice ... Fuck.

I really need to get out of this town. As soon as I'm healed enough I'm out of this fucking town, I'm out because I can't see her again. I want to stake the bastard myself, but I don't know if it's worth it. Sometimes revenge isn't as sweet as it should be. I should know that better than anyone.

Fuck, I need to make a decision. Some kind of decision here, stay and get the girl. Or leave and be done with it.

The second option is by far the less painful of the two, however, I'm a stubborn jackass cowboy who can't ignore what he wants. So fuck it. I'm staying.

Someone help me.