||[6. 8. 05 // @ 11 : 01 pm]
Ugh, boys are evil.
I really need to vent, and I can't do it on my personal journal, or to any of my friends because they're too absorbed with their own problems. I love knowing that people in this community will read, and sympathize, and offer support and advice. You're the best.
This is kinda long, and I'm not sure how to do cuts. So I might get it behind one, I might not. Please don't kill me if I don't.
So on April 1st, I met this guy. He's wonderful, funny, smart, adorable, and just...gah, he's marvelous. We hung out the next Tuesday, and the way his pinky just hooked my hand into his...yeah, ok, not gonna get mushy and sentimental on you. I'll try not to, at least. So the next week, we (my sister, our friend, and the friend's sister, plus the two of us) all go bowling, and have a sleepover at the friend's house.
We stayed up all night, and I fell asleep in his arms. I woke up, and the other girl who was with us in the living room went to the bathroom, and he just kinda goes "hey, you probably know this already, but I love you" I'd known him for nine days, and I knew that I loved him too. I hate when people just make you fall in love with them so quickly. You know? Anyway, long story short, the next night we both got our first kiss, plus some. =X
This is probably a good time to point out that he's not allowed to date.
So then he got a job, and we were fine. Then I went to ocean city. He accidently stood me up [got held up babysitting for his younger siblings] before i left, and again when i got back [work]. When we finally got to hang out, he had been drinking. I get that he didn't want to look like a loser, and he only had a little, but...yeah. I really think if I had kissed him that night, things would have turned out differently.
Anyway...a few weeks go by in which we hardly see each other. Again, long story short [you can see the long version if you IM me or email me--notebook pages and firstname.lastname@example.org respectivly] we break up in a rather cinematic way.
He left for India today. He's on a missionary trip with church, and I didn't realize how much I still love him and how much I love thinking about him still till he hugged me goodbye. He has this fabulous way of hugging you so close and so tight. I get all slkafhkduhf just thinking about it.
So there was a time, prior to goodbye today, when I thought I wanted a random hookup to get me over him. There's this guy that likes me that I was thinking about doing it with. I realized, though, that he's nothing like my ex. He's everything he's not, in a bad way. He's fun and all, yeah, but my ex would never slap my ass. It sounds weird, and people are probably like "you don't want him to slap your ass?!?11?!?!!!?11!1 ong!!1!" but he was...gentlemanly. I could go on, but anyway.
So I guess my dilema is this: Wait it out for the guy I love, or have a fling with a guy who will get him off my mind?
I want to wait it out, I really do, but I don't know if I can. I need to, I think, but...I told him I wasn't going anywhere. Emotionally, I'm not. I love him, and I always will. But..help, please.